He Who Lives by the Sword...
1970 words18 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
excellent descriptive detail of your main character
I'd like to see fewer He was sentences
were a part of his soul, it was a physical need - I would use a period or semicolon instead of the comma
he was his own boss, he was - again, I'd use a period or semicolon
Good day, madam - add comma for direct address
surprise in her married life, unfortunately - again, I would replace the comma
You convey Willem's attitude about his right to hunt effectively and also convey the community's outraged reaction well
You show his violent reaction to her news of leaving him most dramatically
He sure met with a deadly end - reap what you sow! :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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excellent descriptive detail of your main character
I'd like to see fewer He was sentences
were a part of his soul, it was a physical need - I would use a period or semicolon instead of the comma
he was his own boss, he was - again, I'd use a period or semicolon
Good day, madam - add comma for direct address
surprise in her married life, unfortunately - again, I would replace the comma
You convey Willem's attitude about his right to hunt effectively and also convey the community's outraged reaction well
You show his violent reaction to her news of leaving him most dramatically
He sure met with a deadly end - reap what you sow! :-) Brooke
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you Brooke for your good review and helpful reply. This is my first attempt at a story. I was testing the waters. I will have to 're-write' parts of it. This is based on a true story. I have signed up for the course 'starting a novel' in Jan. I hope it can help me to develop a good style. I have many interesting stories and I would like to get them out in an entertaining way. Thank you for being helpful.
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hi T. The best thing about this story is the descriptive almost rhyming text you use throughout the first and middle parts. As it gets down to the finish it becomes more like a fable with a lesson to be learned. Good luck. This should do well in your contest. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Hi T. The best thing about this story is the descriptive almost rhyming text you use throughout the first and middle parts. As it gets down to the finish it becomes more like a fable with a lesson to be learned. Good luck. This should do well in your contest. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your good review.
Comment from EMB
Okay. Here's what the main problem is: This is not a short story. This is tons of information, forced into the space of a short story. Now don't get me wrong. The problems Willem has endured are indeed worthy of a story, but you never really get around to telling a story. Storytelling is story "showing." But you don't show very much. You simply report. So you need to decide what small part of his life do you want to show in a short story. You can still give quick background info, but as far as telling us what type of guy he is, we'd rather see it.
So pick a small episode from his life, and show the readers who Willem de Villiers was. You could have a piece where you describe a poaching expedition. You can have a household drama with him and his wife. But personally, I'd like to see the few moments that led up to his death.
Hope this helps, my friend.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Okay. Here's what the main problem is: This is not a short story. This is tons of information, forced into the space of a short story. Now don't get me wrong. The problems Willem has endured are indeed worthy of a story, but you never really get around to telling a story. Storytelling is story "showing." But you don't show very much. You simply report. So you need to decide what small part of his life do you want to show in a short story. You can still give quick background info, but as far as telling us what type of guy he is, we'd rather see it.
So pick a small episode from his life, and show the readers who Willem de Villiers was. You could have a piece where you describe a poaching expedition. You can have a household drama with him and his wife. But personally, I'd like to see the few moments that led up to his death.
Hope this helps, my friend.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Right, thank you for your input. I will have to figure out how to do this and I will give it a 'makeover' at some stage. I will focus on all aspects of 'showing' and not telling. I will work on the end in particular. Thank you for your time, I appreciate that.
Comment from wleeb
Okay, the writing here is pretty good. You do not have many errors. You write cleanly. I see two problems. First, I am not connected to the characters. You describe them physically, and you describe their state of mind, but you do not get into their skin, and show me who they are. It is like you are a narrator standing back at a distance. Second, there is no theme or resonance to the story. Why should I care about Wilem? What is the resonating story here? In other words, what is it about?
Again, not badly written technically, but I gave it three stars for the above. To be a more effective story, it needs these elements.
Just a few corrections:
wandered should be wondered.
ma'm should be ma'am.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Okay, the writing here is pretty good. You do not have many errors. You write cleanly. I see two problems. First, I am not connected to the characters. You describe them physically, and you describe their state of mind, but you do not get into their skin, and show me who they are. It is like you are a narrator standing back at a distance. Second, there is no theme or resonance to the story. Why should I care about Wilem? What is the resonating story here? In other words, what is it about?
Again, not badly written technically, but I gave it three stars for the above. To be a more effective story, it needs these elements.
Just a few corrections:
wandered should be wondered.
ma'm should be ma'am.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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This was my first attempt at a (true) story. I will take time to consider your input over the next few weeks. The title clearly indicates what it is about. The reviewing stars are as follow:
Six Stars (Exceptional: Simply Outstanding)
Five Stars (Excellent: Enjoyable and no revisions needed)
Four Stars (Good: Adjustments needed)
Three Stars (Below average)
Two Stars (Below Average: Needs lots of work)
One Star (Poor: Major revision required)
Thank you for marking me below average. I hope you have a good day.
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It is certainly not my intention to be discouraging, my intention is to give useful feedback. Cheers.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is well done and very entertaining, but not exactly humor. Dark humor in a way, but not till the very end. Still, I enjoyed it and he got what he deserved.
into the car and drove to her parent's house. << parents' with apost AFTER the S, to show she has two parents, because parent's means just one
several months of legal action and lawyer's fees, << Same thing here. If you put in THE as in "the lawyer's fees" then it's okay and she had just ONE lawyer. But without THE it's more than one lawyer, or "lawyers' fees"... here is the rule: If just ONE owner, then put the apost before the S, if more than one owner, put it after the S.
Examples:
John lost his dog. I found the boy's dog.
Brothers John and Ted lost their dog. I found the boys' dog.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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This is well done and very entertaining, but not exactly humor. Dark humor in a way, but not till the very end. Still, I enjoyed it and he got what he deserved.
into the car and drove to her parent's house. << parents' with apost AFTER the S, to show she has two parents, because parent's means just one
several months of legal action and lawyer's fees, << Same thing here. If you put in THE as in "the lawyer's fees" then it's okay and she had just ONE lawyer. But without THE it's more than one lawyer, or "lawyers' fees"... here is the rule: If just ONE owner, then put the apost before the S, if more than one owner, put it after the S.
Examples:
John lost his dog. I found the boy's dog.
Brothers John and Ted lost their dog. I found the boys' dog.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you Phyllis for your helpful review. I will go back and make the necessary changes. Perhaps it is not my usual good humour, but I have listed it under 'satire.' I found the furniture cut in half quite funny, (thank goodness it wasn't mine...) And the fact that such a mighty character ended up 'trashed' at the hands of a small, young women - well that has some irony. All said and done, this is based on a true story. Life is stranger than fiction. Thanks for the help.
Comment from c_lucas
Sometimes a bastard gets what he deserves. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good job.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Sometimes a bastard gets what he deserves. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good job.
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
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Thank you c_lucas! I value your opinion and good review.
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You're welcome.
Comment from janalma
Interesting story. Not too sure that I like old Wellem all that much. Lol. Plenty of action, but, from what they tell me, should be more showing and less telling. I found the story clearly expressed and coherent, nevertheless. You're a good storyteller.
Some things you might want to look at: Your call, of course--just some suggestions.
heard (herd) free from tick
bar tender(bartender) at the hotel
own and they got remarried. (...they got married.)
just couldn't help themselves - they just (this second, just, in sentence, possibly too much?) found him so attractive
shot gun (shotgun) propped up against the wall and a mug of bear (beer) in hand.
excitedly and unanimously dragged (...excitedly, and together they dragged...)
taken his hunting rifle out and shot him full in the chest, (...and taking his hunting rifle, shot him full in the chest...)
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
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Interesting story. Not too sure that I like old Wellem all that much. Lol. Plenty of action, but, from what they tell me, should be more showing and less telling. I found the story clearly expressed and coherent, nevertheless. You're a good storyteller.
Some things you might want to look at: Your call, of course--just some suggestions.
heard (herd) free from tick
bar tender(bartender) at the hotel
own and they got remarried. (...they got married.)
just couldn't help themselves - they just (this second, just, in sentence, possibly too much?) found him so attractive
shot gun (shotgun) propped up against the wall and a mug of bear (beer) in hand.
excitedly and unanimously dragged (...excitedly, and together they dragged...)
taken his hunting rifle out and shot him full in the chest, (...and taking his hunting rifle, shot him full in the chest...)
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
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Okay, thanks I will go back and check on those errors.
Comment from saychirah
I wish he had had time to explain...all in all it is a good piece.it is interesting,clear and easy to read.I enjoyed it,you are a good writer and I hope to see more from you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
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I wish he had had time to explain...all in all it is a good piece.it is interesting,clear and easy to read.I enjoyed it,you are a good writer and I hope to see more from you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
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Thank you Saychirah for your good review.
