He Who Lives by the Sword...
1970 words18 total reviews
Comment from elliejean
I love the story. THe man was evil. He lead a life of being brutal and uncaring. The little girl sent him to his just awards. At least his first wife got away from him. Now the mad little girl must pay for the rest of her life. Great work.
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2012
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I love the story. THe man was evil. He lead a life of being brutal and uncaring. The little girl sent him to his just awards. At least his first wife got away from him. Now the mad little girl must pay for the rest of her life. Great work.
Comment Written 07-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2012
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Thank you Eillie. This was based on a true story. As far as I know the woman had 2 nights in prison! Everything about this man and his particular ending shocked the community. He was a character larger than life - from another era.
Comment from suneagle
I believe this contest required a "humorous...detective story", which yours certainly is not. It is passionate and strongly written in parts. However, it is also very wordy and overly formal. You need to space out your paragraphs and relax into your plot to produce a smoother flow of information and action.
I've noted some suggestions and corrections that you may like to consider.
with a well[-]bronzed skin
he married a petite [blond] girl named Irina,
(blond=colour, blonde=fair-haired woman. Hence, you could correctly write: he married a petite blonde named Irina,)
"Yes, sir[,] I am. Is everything all right?"
Her eyebrows rose spontaneously with sheer surprise.
(Over-written--I suggest simplifying to read: Her eyebrows rose. The context indicates the spontaneity and the reason.)
They shoved him into the back of their mobile prison ute; and like a wild dog behind bars, was his furious scowl as he was last seen glaring defiance as the vehicle trundled off in a cloud of its own dust.
(I suggest two sentences and rephrasing:
They shoved him into the back of their prison ute. He scowled like a wild dog, glaring defiance as the vehicle trundled off in a cloud of dust.)
During the day she did her best to run the cattle on their farm to the best of her abilities.
(Notice the repetition of "best". I suggest:
During the day she did her best to run the cattle on their farm.)
You need to calm down[.]" [Then] she drew a big breath and emphasised, "I will stay!"
sawn everything that they had ever owned, each item, cut into two separate pieces.
(Predictable--that theme is almost cliche.)
Irina walked away, close to [empty-handed].
some sluts just couldn't help themselves
(The use of the word "sluts" seems too coarse in the context of your story. I suggest "prostitutes".)
She loved him fiercely, with the wild jealous passion of a headstrong pubescent nymphomaniac[:] so typical of one emotionally fragile, she was a time bomb just waiting to explode.
so she parked her car out of [sight]
"Ah," she thought, "that cheating bastard!"
(Thought should not be written like speech. Editors now recommend that it be written as normal narrative:
Ah, she thought, that cheating bastard!)
["]I told you I would shoot you - dead!"
"Stop! I can explain...["]
I trust that I have been helpful. PM if you have any comments or questions about this review. :)
*Rating upgraded after revisions.*
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2012
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I believe this contest required a "humorous...detective story", which yours certainly is not. It is passionate and strongly written in parts. However, it is also very wordy and overly formal. You need to space out your paragraphs and relax into your plot to produce a smoother flow of information and action.
I've noted some suggestions and corrections that you may like to consider.
with a well[-]bronzed skin
he married a petite [blond] girl named Irina,
(blond=colour, blonde=fair-haired woman. Hence, you could correctly write: he married a petite blonde named Irina,)
"Yes, sir[,] I am. Is everything all right?"
Her eyebrows rose spontaneously with sheer surprise.
(Over-written--I suggest simplifying to read: Her eyebrows rose. The context indicates the spontaneity and the reason.)
They shoved him into the back of their mobile prison ute; and like a wild dog behind bars, was his furious scowl as he was last seen glaring defiance as the vehicle trundled off in a cloud of its own dust.
(I suggest two sentences and rephrasing:
They shoved him into the back of their prison ute. He scowled like a wild dog, glaring defiance as the vehicle trundled off in a cloud of dust.)
During the day she did her best to run the cattle on their farm to the best of her abilities.
(Notice the repetition of "best". I suggest:
During the day she did her best to run the cattle on their farm.)
You need to calm down[.]" [Then] she drew a big breath and emphasised, "I will stay!"
sawn everything that they had ever owned, each item, cut into two separate pieces.
(Predictable--that theme is almost cliche.)
Irina walked away, close to [empty-handed].
some sluts just couldn't help themselves
(The use of the word "sluts" seems too coarse in the context of your story. I suggest "prostitutes".)
She loved him fiercely, with the wild jealous passion of a headstrong pubescent nymphomaniac[:] so typical of one emotionally fragile, she was a time bomb just waiting to explode.
so she parked her car out of [sight]
"Ah," she thought, "that cheating bastard!"
(Thought should not be written like speech. Editors now recommend that it be written as normal narrative:
Ah, she thought, that cheating bastard!)
["]I told you I would shoot you - dead!"
"Stop! I can explain...["]
I trust that I have been helpful. PM if you have any comments or questions about this review. :)
*Rating upgraded after revisions.*
Comment Written 06-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2012
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Dear Suneagle, thank you for your review. You have marked me less than average - which I find too severe. Most of what you have suggested I will take on board. *BUT you said: sawn everything that they had ever owned, each item, cut into two separate pieces.
(Predictable--that theme is almost cliche.)
Really? I have never heard of it being done before or since. *I met this man - this is based on a true story. I always try to draw from my own experience or from those known to me.
* I agree 'sluts' does not fit in ideally, I did think about that, but I wrote it how I speak. I don't think prostitutes is the right alternative - because they ask for money. Women loved this guy - honestly, he didn't have to pay anyone - and he would not have!
I liked the rest of your advise. I am serious about writing - I have a big story inside that needs to be told. I left school when I was 15. This is the first story I have written since school. It may sound formal to you - but I do speak like this (just with a strong accent.) I am open to change. I will edit this story sometime in the coming week. I have had a HARD day on the farm today - cutting and loading wood. I now have to do laundry, dinner and wash my hair. I am exhausted. But I hope you take the time to come back to this after I have done the changes - and re-rate it. Thanks you.
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Let me know when you have made revisions, I'll be happy to assist further. :)
Comment from quicksandyamurray
Excellent! This is a wonderfully written tale of consequences. You do reap what you sow, and Willem sowed a lot of disparity and regrets. He got it all back with both barrels. Lol. It is written in the old Grimms style and it made me nostalgic for the innocence and the simplicity of my childhood. Thank you so much for the left-handed flashback. It's good to keep in touch with your beginnings. Amazing what a story can do for one isn't it.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Excellent! This is a wonderfully written tale of consequences. You do reap what you sow, and Willem sowed a lot of disparity and regrets. He got it all back with both barrels. Lol. It is written in the old Grimms style and it made me nostalgic for the innocence and the simplicity of my childhood. Thank you so much for the left-handed flashback. It's good to keep in touch with your beginnings. Amazing what a story can do for one isn't it.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your excellent review - honestly it was needed! And I really do appreciate it. Thanks.
Comment from MidnightWriter4U
"Dies by the sword..." A most interesting and believable story that transitions very well. The tale holds the reader's attention and its expertly done descriptions place the reader in the action. The ending I found excellent and probably a more frequent actual occurrence than we know. Chosen artwork fits this story well. Great job!
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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"Dies by the sword..." A most interesting and believable story that transitions very well. The tale holds the reader's attention and its expertly done descriptions place the reader in the action. The ending I found excellent and probably a more frequent actual occurrence than we know. Chosen artwork fits this story well. Great job!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Thank you so much for your very good review, it was needed and I appreciate it. Thanks.
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You are most welcome. :)
Comment from AnonymousWisdom
I appreciate your unique choice of topic.
Some grammatical errors I noticed:
"Rugby, beer and biltong". Personally I would add a comma after "beer" even though the way you wrote this is grammatically correct, I think the extra comma makes the language flow more easily.
"when he was thirty-one, when he married" delete second "when"
In the third paragraph, "de Viller's front door" should be "de Villiers' front door".
Same paragraph: "Are you Mrs Irina de Villiers?" Should be Mrs., but in last part you wrote "Dr" without a period, if you did that on purpose I think it's okay, but you may want to add the period for clarity.
"Matter of fact" should be changed to "matter-of-fact". Hyphens make a major difference.
"When Willem was out in the fields doing cattle dipping". "doing cattle dipping" is an incredibly awkward fragment, I suggest a change in verbs.
When speaking about Audrey, you say "twenty-five years his junior" add a comma after this fragment.
I do notice some elements of dark humor in the way this ends. The furniture cut in half was very clever, thanks for the laugh. Not sure how this fits into humorous category overall, though, but that's okay.
This is pretty good, but seems a little bare-bones. For future work, add more description, details, background. The more emotion and history you add to your characters, the more realistic they become.
Please understand that the three-star rating is average, I am not giving it to you for the grammatical errors (though some are distracting) but for your overall presentation.
A very good beginning here with room for improvement--looking forward to where you end up next.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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I appreciate your unique choice of topic.
Some grammatical errors I noticed:
"Rugby, beer and biltong". Personally I would add a comma after "beer" even though the way you wrote this is grammatically correct, I think the extra comma makes the language flow more easily.
"when he was thirty-one, when he married" delete second "when"
In the third paragraph, "de Viller's front door" should be "de Villiers' front door".
Same paragraph: "Are you Mrs Irina de Villiers?" Should be Mrs., but in last part you wrote "Dr" without a period, if you did that on purpose I think it's okay, but you may want to add the period for clarity.
"Matter of fact" should be changed to "matter-of-fact". Hyphens make a major difference.
"When Willem was out in the fields doing cattle dipping". "doing cattle dipping" is an incredibly awkward fragment, I suggest a change in verbs.
When speaking about Audrey, you say "twenty-five years his junior" add a comma after this fragment.
I do notice some elements of dark humor in the way this ends. The furniture cut in half was very clever, thanks for the laugh. Not sure how this fits into humorous category overall, though, but that's okay.
This is pretty good, but seems a little bare-bones. For future work, add more description, details, background. The more emotion and history you add to your characters, the more realistic they become.
Please understand that the three-star rating is average, I am not giving it to you for the grammatical errors (though some are distracting) but for your overall presentation.
A very good beginning here with room for improvement--looking forward to where you end up next.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Most of what you suggest for corrections is fine. In modern typing we never put a full-stop after, Mrs, Mr or Dr anymore (not required in the UK English spell check - USA is different.) When typing a manuscript for publication, it is important to find out what the rules are for the intended Publication House first and amend accordingly. Punctuation, spelling and criteria required for publication houses vary enormously. Three stars is actually below average. I hope you have a good day. CG
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Wait...now I'm confused. According to the heading, 3 stars is average. I even got an e-mail about official definition of rankings that defined 3 as "off to a good start." And what you said about the Mr and Mrs thing makes sense...because I've seen that before and just wanted to make sure it wasn't wrong. Thanks for the clarification, though!
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Six Stars (Exceptional: Simply Outstanding)
Five Stars (Excellent: Enjoyable and no revisions needed)
Four Stars (Good: Adjustments needed)
Three Stars (Below average)
Two Stars (Below Average: Needs lots of work)
One Star (Poor: Major revision required)
Comment from Khione Lock
This was kind of odd to me. I didn't really get the point of it and it went on and on. That being said.... *clears throat* EXCELLENT SURPRISE ENDING! I was expecting it, but not in that way. I like the humor in the sawed in half goods, and the fiery spirits in this story. :)
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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This was kind of odd to me. I didn't really get the point of it and it went on and on. That being said.... *clears throat* EXCELLENT SURPRISE ENDING! I was expecting it, but not in that way. I like the humor in the sawed in half goods, and the fiery spirits in this story. :)
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your good review.
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow! This has an absolute twist in the tale and Willem eventually found his match. Great story and good luck in the contest that we have here.
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Wow! This has an absolute twist in the tale and Willem eventually found his match. Great story and good luck in the contest that we have here.
Comment Written 04-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 04-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your good review. I am glad that I could entertain you.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Well, Audrey certainly jumped to conclusions. Although Willem did find the real estate woman attractive so I wouldn't put it past him. This was a dark humor story. It was told like it was an old family story. Nice job.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Well, Audrey certainly jumped to conclusions. Although Willem did find the real estate woman attractive so I wouldn't put it past him. This was a dark humor story. It was told like it was an old family story. Nice job.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your good review. Most over emotional young women do jump to conclusions! Sadly this was based on a true story. I met the guy before he passed away. Our small community was scandalised by it.
Comment from Sloegin
Good story. Your dialogue is fluid, and your choice of words work well. I've included a couple of changes that will make your story read smoother:
"When he was thirty-one, when he married a petite blonde girl named Irina, twelve years his junior"
"There was a sudden calm after the storm." change to, "It was the calm after the storm."
"Ah," she thought, "that cheating bastard!" Thoughts should appear in italics, not in Quotation marks.
Keep writing.
Sloegin
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Good story. Your dialogue is fluid, and your choice of words work well. I've included a couple of changes that will make your story read smoother:
"When he was thirty-one, when he married a petite blonde girl named Irina, twelve years his junior"
"There was a sudden calm after the storm." change to, "It was the calm after the storm."
"Ah," she thought, "that cheating bastard!" Thoughts should appear in italics, not in Quotation marks.
Keep writing.
Sloegin
Comment Written 03-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your lovely review - and yes, I will take your advise and change it, as soon as I get time to do so. Thanks! I like it when people make useful suggestions and don't mark me down to a 3. I've already had one of those on this story. This is my first attempt at a story - and it was based on a true one.
Comment from gazzagodbod
great story i actually googled him to see if it was true lol but the guy i found did writing and st johns ambulance lol great story my friend xxgazzaxx
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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great story i actually googled him to see if it was true lol but the guy i found did writing and st johns ambulance lol great story my friend xxgazzaxx
Comment Written 03-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012
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Ha-ha! You wish! Yes - this is based on a true story. I met the guy, he was well known in our area (notorious). I have had to change the names, etc. We were all shocked that such a big man should come to his end at the hands of a woman. I think she only got 2 days in prison! Life is not fair. Thanks for your great review.
