Eternal Flames
beguiled by her hair, the red of autumn waning53 total reviews
Comment from visionary1234
ikky! but good! sort of a reverse vampire story, so I like that unique twist Fleedleflump! Always looking for something that hasn't been done before - and this one is WELL done! Good luck! :) Sharyn
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
  |
ikky! but good! sort of a reverse vampire story, so I like that unique twist Fleedleflump! Always looking for something that hasn't been done before - and this one is WELL done! Good luck! :) Sharyn
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thank you, Sharyn :-). I do like to do things differently, and the role reversal twist came to me while I was writing. I'm so glad you liked it!
Mike
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, fleedleflump, you did a great job writing this story about the vampire who was reawakened to his power, i enjoyed reading it, good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
|
this is very well written, fleedleflump, you did a great job writing this story about the vampire who was reawakened to his power, i enjoyed reading it, good luck in the contest
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thank you, SWJ :-). It was initially just about the lady vampire down the hall, but as I was writing I thought of the twist. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Mike
Comment from Rasp E
"Red of autumn waning" is a damn fine line. Especially considering where the story goes. Just so you know. :)
Nice characterization. Made me giggle, at least at first.
I'm not entirely clear on whether Steve is friend, neighbor, or both, but I suppose it doesn't matter since he was, ultimately, dinner instead.
The one thing I think you could add is a bit more emotional sensory detail pertaining to the awakening. In a longer length story I'd suggest making that a struggle...maybe some denial, but for this I think all you really need to do is make it tad more visceral. The kiss is the best portion of the story because it's a bit visceral and has some emotional oomph (gotta love technical terms) to it.
Anyway, my two cents. :)
Take care,
E
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
|
"Red of autumn waning" is a damn fine line. Especially considering where the story goes. Just so you know. :)
Nice characterization. Made me giggle, at least at first.
I'm not entirely clear on whether Steve is friend, neighbor, or both, but I suppose it doesn't matter since he was, ultimately, dinner instead.
The one thing I think you could add is a bit more emotional sensory detail pertaining to the awakening. In a longer length story I'd suggest making that a struggle...maybe some denial, but for this I think all you really need to do is make it tad more visceral. The kiss is the best portion of the story because it's a bit visceral and has some emotional oomph (gotta love technical terms) to it.
Anyway, my two cents. :)
Take care,
E
Comment Written 02-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thanks so much, Erica. Your two cents are worth a hundred dollars, as always. I've done some tweaking with his awakening sequence, adding some detail. I'm glad you liked it, my friend :-).
Mike
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Enjoyed???? hmmm I'm wrapping my neck up in steel after this read...lol...brilliant stuff Mike. Love the way you can swing a story. Gory, Ghouly and utterly fantastic. xoxo debs
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
|
Enjoyed???? hmmm I'm wrapping my neck up in steel after this read...lol...brilliant stuff Mike. Love the way you can swing a story. Gory, Ghouly and utterly fantastic. xoxo debs
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thank you, debs - I'm so glad you liked it :-).
Mike
Comment from Blue Beetle 2
Not a bad, well written story with a nice ending that didn't really become apparent until the last paragraph. I'm a fan of old school vampire stories, so good job.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
|
Not a bad, well written story with a nice ending that didn't really become apparent until the last paragraph. I'm a fan of old school vampire stories, so good job.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thank you, BB :-). I'm glad the reveal didn't come too early for you.
Mike
Comment from Soledadpaz
Poetic first line. Sounds like something the Bard would say, write.
Gripping vampire story with just the right touch of eroticism. Nice twist letting us think it was her when it was also him. Poor Steve.
Sol
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
|
Poetic first line. Sounds like something the Bard would say, write.
Gripping vampire story with just the right touch of eroticism. Nice twist letting us think it was her when it was also him. Poor Steve.
Sol
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thanks, Sol :-). I'm glad the twist worked for you. This was fun to write.
Mike
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is a great vampire story. You build such suspense opening with the haunted house and the woman. The end was a complete surprise. Guess you better watch out who you have a beer with! God luck in the contest!!! Debbie
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
|
This is a great vampire story. You build such suspense opening with the haunted house and the woman. The end was a complete surprise. Guess you better watch out who you have a beer with! God luck in the contest!!! Debbie
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
lol, thanks, Debbie - I'm thrilled you enjoyed it :-).
Mike
Comment from jjstar
Woah, this was truly an astounding piece of writing. Usually I run when I see vampire stories, but because of this contest, which one of my dear friends has entered I wanted to see what the competition looked like. So far, you win...This was amazing in every way!
"Her hair was the red of Autumn waning. ===lovely!
Her mouth was red, and not from lipstick. ===ewwww
What we see is Diet Coke when the reality is like snorted gunpowder.===wow...superb!
Excellent ending!
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
 |
Woah, this was truly an astounding piece of writing. Usually I run when I see vampire stories, but because of this contest, which one of my dear friends has entered I wanted to see what the competition looked like. So far, you win...This was amazing in every way!
"Her hair was the red of Autumn waning. ===lovely!
Her mouth was red, and not from lipstick. ===ewwww
What we see is Diet Coke when the reality is like snorted gunpowder.===wow...superb!
Excellent ending!
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thanks so much, JJ - I'm thrilled you enjoyed this one. It was a bit of a rushed piece, but I think I'm happy with the end result.
Mike
Comment from jlsavell
Mike, you never cease to entertain and amaze. Your talent is sheer brilliance. Though I had it figured where you were going, because the beginning was just to easty and obvious, but the twist was quite the design. Love it sir!! Best wishes with the contest... jimi
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
|
Mike, you never cease to entertain and amaze. Your talent is sheer brilliance. Though I had it figured where you were going, because the beginning was just to easty and obvious, but the twist was quite the design. Love it sir!! Best wishes with the contest... jimi
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thank you, Jimi :-). I'm glad you expected some sort of twist from me - that's a kind of predictability I'm happy to live with!
Mike
-
Mike, I apologize, I did not word that right. It is just at the beginning you painted such an exotic and mysyerious pic of the redhead, I tried to get into your head and your writing style. I summised that she was not the true protagonist, because you made her stand out so at the very beginnig and I knew you are always famous for the element of surprise. It was a surprise for I just knew it was going to be someone else, but not the one she seduced, not Mike and then he turn on his drinking buddy. I just needed to clarify.
-
No need to apologise, Jimi. I was complimented :-). Yours was one of my favourite reviews.
Mike
-
I will try to delve into your port more this week. Have had so much on my plate, it is hard to keep up..
Comment from Cindy Warren
Oh, she was a sweetheart compared to him. I guess even vampires need to be careful. I've read a few of these vampire stories and this one actually gave me the creeps. Nice work.
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
|
Oh, she was a sweetheart compared to him. I guess even vampires need to be careful. I've read a few of these vampire stories and this one actually gave me the creeps. Nice work.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2012
-
Thank you, Cindy :-). My usual instinct is to be more graphically violent with these things, but I wanted to do something a little more pervasive this time. I'm glad it worked!
Mike
