Illusion
A Man Finds Something From His Past.16 total reviews
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
This is a stunning beginning. Cannot wait to read more. You certainly know how to write a cliff hanger. I found a few little things, which I mention below. I hope you will take a look. Eliminate the word and to begin sentences, in my opinion it weakens the point and disrupts the flow. Ask yourself why you need it; I think most times you will discover that you don't.
"I shook my head, Valuable time wasted with nothing earned." A typo, I suppose. Did you mean this to be one sentence or two?
"And yet..." you don't need and. It interrupts the flow. Just say Yet to begin the sentence.
"...bringing clarity as clear as the crystal sky." This is a little awkward using clarity and clear so close together. Maybe rewrite and use a different word in place of one.
"And like meeting an old lover..." Again, beginning with and which is not necessary. Just start with like.
Aside from some small fixes, this is an excellent beginning. I hope you will build on it.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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This is a stunning beginning. Cannot wait to read more. You certainly know how to write a cliff hanger. I found a few little things, which I mention below. I hope you will take a look. Eliminate the word and to begin sentences, in my opinion it weakens the point and disrupts the flow. Ask yourself why you need it; I think most times you will discover that you don't.
"I shook my head, Valuable time wasted with nothing earned." A typo, I suppose. Did you mean this to be one sentence or two?
"And yet..." you don't need and. It interrupts the flow. Just say Yet to begin the sentence.
"...bringing clarity as clear as the crystal sky." This is a little awkward using clarity and clear so close together. Maybe rewrite and use a different word in place of one.
"And like meeting an old lover..." Again, beginning with and which is not necessary. Just start with like.
Aside from some small fixes, this is an excellent beginning. I hope you will build on it.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2022
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Thank you, and I will see to the changes.
Comment from irishauthorme
Wow! Terrific impact, and a detailed character. Pulled me right in with the intrinsic thoughts of your protagonist, even without a name or gender.
The seeds of self-destruction live in all of us, surfacing in the wake of disaster.
Neat that you did not detail the Glock by caliber or type, your abrupt ending damn near gave me whip lash.
Will follow up from your portfolio. Have to see where this came from.
Cheers, irish
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2022
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Wow! Terrific impact, and a detailed character. Pulled me right in with the intrinsic thoughts of your protagonist, even without a name or gender.
The seeds of self-destruction live in all of us, surfacing in the wake of disaster.
Neat that you did not detail the Glock by caliber or type, your abrupt ending damn near gave me whip lash.
Will follow up from your portfolio. Have to see where this came from.
Cheers, irish
Comment Written 21-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2022
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Good morning, and what a lovely review. You have inspired me to sit down and write today, I have another you may enjoy , its Called Two Bits, I won a contest for it, very dark. Blessings.
Comment from John Ciarmello
Wow! Intense and descriptive. The lead to the reveal of the engagement ring was seamless. This is well written. I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing this.
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2022
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Wow! Intense and descriptive. The lead to the reveal of the engagement ring was seamless. This is well written. I enjoyed the read. Thank you for sharing this.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2022
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Thank you, I have another in my profile called Two Bits, I may promote that today , if I can find it,
Comment from Curtis Hatch
The story is interesting and compelling. The story flows nicely; it builds progressively to the climax and surprise ending. The Glock, fired by the thumb can only mean one thing...suicide. It is an interesting read. Curtis
There is some SPAG that needs attention:
Seems strange I never thought about the subject much lately, when in the past it was the only thing that consumed me for years on end. (when in the past, it was)
Unlike myself, the detail and precision was intact and unblemished. (and precision were intact and)
And like meeting an old lover, I was seduced by the promises of it's charms and my desires. (it's s/b its)
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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The story is interesting and compelling. The story flows nicely; it builds progressively to the climax and surprise ending. The Glock, fired by the thumb can only mean one thing...suicide. It is an interesting read. Curtis
There is some SPAG that needs attention:
Seems strange I never thought about the subject much lately, when in the past it was the only thing that consumed me for years on end. (when in the past, it was)
Unlike myself, the detail and precision was intact and unblemished. (and precision were intact and)
And like meeting an old lover, I was seduced by the promises of it's charms and my desires. (it's s/b its)
Comment Written 06-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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i will see to those errors and fix them I thank you for this wonderful review.
Comment from bossladyone
I like it. It is well written and flows nicely. It is interesting and the descriptions in the story are vivid. It made me want more. Thank you for shaing
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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I like it. It is well written and flows nicely. It is interesting and the descriptions in the story are vivid. It made me want more. Thank you for shaing
Comment Written 06-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Thank You for this wonderful review, Bless you
Comment from judiverse
This is quite a thriller. You build up the suspense about the "find" until the very last, and the reader is eager to learn the secret. The narrator's carefully washing it off and considering it like a girl' engagement ring are great details. You have everything you need in this short format, and it all works. Like meeting the lover is a simile in regard to the Glock Best of luck with this prompt. judiverse
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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This is quite a thriller. You build up the suspense about the "find" until the very last, and the reader is eager to learn the secret. The narrator's carefully washing it off and considering it like a girl' engagement ring are great details. You have everything you need in this short format, and it all works. Like meeting the lover is a simile in regard to the Glock Best of luck with this prompt. judiverse
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Thank you, its been neck and neck all day, now that is suspense, but I bless you whole heartedly for this wonderful review.
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You're so welcome, and good luck. judiverse
Comment from Spitfire
I love the writing and the build-up to the climax. I would have liked a clue as to what happened in his past to make him consider and what triggered him to make the decision today.
I assume finding the gun flooded his mind with memories he had forgotten?
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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I love the writing and the build-up to the climax. I would have liked a clue as to what happened in his past to make him consider and what triggered him to make the decision today.
I assume finding the gun flooded his mind with memories he had forgotten?
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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That is what I meant to do, but I will go back and see if I can add something that eludes, thanks for the beautiful review.
Comment from MelReyn
Shiver. You kept me wondering what you found and why it had so much power over you. And then... It all became clear in flash and then I'm left wondering why. Great work
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Shiver. You kept me wondering what you found and why it had so much power over you. And then... It all became clear in flash and then I'm left wondering why. Great work
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, I'm glad it made somewhat of an impression. Bless You
Comment from humpwhistle
Author, I don't like to preach about rules, or interfer with another writer's style, but I hope you'll bear with me here. Please go back and count the number of times you used the word 'it' in this piece. 'It' tells the reader nothing unless you give 'it' context.
I understand the technique, and what you're trying to do--tease the reader until he just has to know what 'it' is. But I believe that is a longshot unless you are really, really good at what you do. End of preach.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Author, I don't like to preach about rules, or interfer with another writer's style, but I hope you'll bear with me here. Please go back and count the number of times you used the word 'it' in this piece. 'It' tells the reader nothing unless you give 'it' context.
I understand the technique, and what you're trying to do--tease the reader until he just has to know what 'it' is. But I believe that is a longshot unless you are really, really good at what you do. End of preach.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Author, You should go to the church. Yet I always listen when the PREACHER feels he's right, And let it be known that I preach a mean sermon as well....And I don't insult when I do ...End of sermon,
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I didn't mean to insult. I meant to point out my concern about your writing. That's what reviewers do. I awarded you five stars. You want more? I'm sorry you took my comments the wrong way. Peace, Lee
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No, I didn't, as a writer, I can handle it, because my work will improve. I wouldn't have it any other way. 5 star or lower.
Comment from gazzagodbod
Oooo no step away from the gun put it back in the drawer great little story my friend i loved it from the start gazzagodbod
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Oooo no step away from the gun put it back in the drawer great little story my friend i loved it from the start gazzagodbod
Comment Written 27-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, only one vote so far. LOL.
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nope 2 about to press the button lol
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Oh thanks, now I feel I pressured you, Bless your kind heart.
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lol you didnt pressure me i was about to vote when you popped up if i felt pressured i would soon tell you lol xxgazzaxx
