Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Tanika Moon"Murder Mystery
53 total reviews
Comment from mauial
Like the story line and the way you tie in the mystic into it. Just a couple of things I think should be edited.
My cousin Officer Rybeck's son had his appendix out and I offered to take his shift tonight."
Why not: Officer x had his appendix out ant I took his shift."
why? Whenever humanly possible, do not let the man out of your sight, and I want your report on my desk tomorrow morning." edit out Whenever humanly possible,
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Like the story line and the way you tie in the mystic into it. Just a couple of things I think should be edited.
My cousin Officer Rybeck's son had his appendix out and I offered to take his shift tonight."
Why not: Officer x had his appendix out ant I took his shift."
why? Whenever humanly possible, do not let the man out of your sight, and I want your report on my desk tomorrow morning." edit out Whenever humanly possible,
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, mauial. Thank you for your great review.
I am not adverse to changing the story, but I do have reasons for the areas in question. The fist section you mention, I agree would sound off, but there is a reason I mention the relative connection. This detective has been taken off the murder case due to suspicions that he may have leaked information to the press. Therefore, he's coming up with a good excuse for being where he isn't technically allowed to be.
The second section may be me trying to tell too much. The heart attack victim will be heading into surgery when he reaches the hospital, so the officers will not be allowed to follow.
Appreciate you choosing to read!
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Showboat
Hey Bev,
Ooh, scary. This is an excellent chapter and it read very fast. Don't worry about the length because the writing was excellent and fast paced.
I had two stutter-steps, shown below:
...She'd not moved from the hollow formed by her hip as it nestled between the folds of her body pillow...
I know what you're trying to convey but I can't picture it.
...She was standing on the porch of... I'm just wondering about using 'stood' instead of 'was standing'. You know me and my never ending war on 'was'!
Great job,
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hey Bev,
Ooh, scary. This is an excellent chapter and it read very fast. Don't worry about the length because the writing was excellent and fast paced.
I had two stutter-steps, shown below:
...She'd not moved from the hollow formed by her hip as it nestled between the folds of her body pillow...
I know what you're trying to convey but I can't picture it.
...She was standing on the porch of... I'm just wondering about using 'stood' instead of 'was standing'. You know me and my never ending war on 'was'!
Great job,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, Gayle. Thanks so much for following along, and being so encouraging for this novel. I think your suggestions are excellent, and I'm going to use them to clean things up a bit!
Appreciate your generosity, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Just so good, Bev. I sucked it up with relish and was left wanting more, as usual.
Some highlights for me (a few of many, I might add) and a couple of teeny weeny things to consider, as you wish my lady.
all for a salary slightly more than the manager of a Seven Eleven. - for a salary slightly more. for a salary paying slightly more... dunno. What do you think?
The best detectives would tell you they couldn't conceive of doing anything else. And if pressed for a reason, they'd look at you with battle-weary eyes and give you a bare()smile ... remembering a mother's tears of gratitude when the remains of a murdered child were returned at long last. - Great paragraph.
Derek was too tired to dig to the bottom of what he suspected was a pile of shit. - I shall remember this line and use it! Superb. :o)
Dawn's light hunkered beyond the window, anxious to press itself forward like an itinerant preacher's healing hands. Jana lay curled on her side, wide-eyed, senses alert. The dream's graphic images faded but not the dread.
Her people encouraged certain 'gifted' ones to access Wakanpi (invisible beings) and learn of their desires. - I would suggest that you change this, my dear friend: Her people encouraged certain 'gifted' ones to access the invisible beings known as Wakanpi, and learn of their desires. The brackets tripped me, turned it into an 'essay' format rather than a story. Does that make sense? But your call, of course. :o)
Jana sq(u)eezed the satin trim of her blanket until the tips of her fingers were numb.
She was a cop for God's sake, and cops could not afford to be mystics. Yet the dream had shown her to be that rare mixture of both. She felt trapped by her heritage and resentful of, what to her, was more akin to mental illness than a gift. - Another amazing paragraph. Love how this made me feel.
Loved the exchange between Jana and her uncle. You know how I share your fascination for all things other-wordly.
Excellent, excellent, excellent dream scene.
This is one heck of a story, Bev and another fabulous post.
Bravo.
Love ya!
Av
xxx
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Just so good, Bev. I sucked it up with relish and was left wanting more, as usual.
Some highlights for me (a few of many, I might add) and a couple of teeny weeny things to consider, as you wish my lady.
all for a salary slightly more than the manager of a Seven Eleven. - for a salary slightly more. for a salary paying slightly more... dunno. What do you think?
The best detectives would tell you they couldn't conceive of doing anything else. And if pressed for a reason, they'd look at you with battle-weary eyes and give you a bare()smile ... remembering a mother's tears of gratitude when the remains of a murdered child were returned at long last. - Great paragraph.
Derek was too tired to dig to the bottom of what he suspected was a pile of shit. - I shall remember this line and use it! Superb. :o)
Dawn's light hunkered beyond the window, anxious to press itself forward like an itinerant preacher's healing hands. Jana lay curled on her side, wide-eyed, senses alert. The dream's graphic images faded but not the dread.
Her people encouraged certain 'gifted' ones to access Wakanpi (invisible beings) and learn of their desires. - I would suggest that you change this, my dear friend: Her people encouraged certain 'gifted' ones to access the invisible beings known as Wakanpi, and learn of their desires. The brackets tripped me, turned it into an 'essay' format rather than a story. Does that make sense? But your call, of course. :o)
Jana sq(u)eezed the satin trim of her blanket until the tips of her fingers were numb.
She was a cop for God's sake, and cops could not afford to be mystics. Yet the dream had shown her to be that rare mixture of both. She felt trapped by her heritage and resentful of, what to her, was more akin to mental illness than a gift. - Another amazing paragraph. Love how this made me feel.
Loved the exchange between Jana and her uncle. You know how I share your fascination for all things other-wordly.
Excellent, excellent, excellent dream scene.
This is one heck of a story, Bev and another fabulous post.
Bravo.
Love ya!
Av
xxx
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Av, you were of great help to me in cleaning up this chapter. Thank you so much for taking all the time you did and offering your excellent editorial insights. You really deserve reviewer of the month in my book!
Thank you so very much for your generosity, dear friend.
Love ya, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh my, you left a great hook. I can't wait for more
Her uncle Tony Buday was reputed to have been born with such a gift. (comma after uncle and some would say one after Buday)
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Oh my, you left a great hook. I can't wait for more
Her uncle Tony Buday was reputed to have been born with such a gift. (comma after uncle and some would say one after Buday)
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, barbara. Thanks for the great suggestion. I totaly agree. And I really appreciate you taking time to read and review so generously. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension
Very tense chapter to follow your last with the old man collapsing dramatically. The detective obviously learned a bit from his last scene ...
These dreams are certainly dramatic, and Jana is evidently confronting something very evil - but, I suspect, not 'invincible' in the long run.
A correction -
Debra eyes bulged from - needs an apostrophe 's' - Debra's eyes bulged from
Patrick
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi Writingfundimension
Very tense chapter to follow your last with the old man collapsing dramatically. The detective obviously learned a bit from his last scene ...
These dreams are certainly dramatic, and Jana is evidently confronting something very evil - but, I suspect, not 'invincible' in the long run.
A correction -
Debra eyes bulged from - needs an apostrophe 's' - Debra's eyes bulged from
Patrick
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Hi, Patrick. Thanks, first, for the correction. And secondly, I really appreciate your reading and generosity. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Shirley McLain
I love this story. I like the Indian lore and all the mystery. You did a great job as usual and I'm be ready for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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I love this story. I like the Indian lore and all the mystery. You did a great job as usual and I'm be ready for the next chapter.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Thank you so very kindly for the great rating, and even more, your continued support, Okiegal. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
Bev, I am going to tell you something and it is very important that you believe me - I stress this because you are so humble, I think sometimes you think I am only being 'a friend' when I review your work - first of all, a true friend will always give you honesty about what you write - tactfully if there are problems, but still honest evaluation. Secondly, I am an avid reader - I do not mean to be arrogant, but I honestly have always found literature to be fairly easy for me, both in reading interpretation and expressing. That said, here is what I need you to hear: in my opinion, your writing is gifted! You have a great talent my friend. This chapter is a perfect example of that - I will give only a couple of examples, but there are dozens in this one chapter alone - 1) "Dawn's light hunkered beyond the window, anxious to press itself forward like an itinerant preacher's healing hands." 2) "His voice was edged with authority. 'But it's a dangerous path for the unbalanced ego.' How does he...".
Anyone can learn to use the tools, Bev. Not everyone has the ability to weave them into magic, and that is what your words are throughout your writing - magical. You give my argument about the FanStory rating system its legitimacy, although you AREN'T a good example of THAT because you have also used the tools correctly. (hahaha-I argue that if a writer has talent it shouldn't be discouraged by a poor rating because of spag-that should be taught (corrected) by all means, but should NOT be what the rating is based on. Otherwise you could, as a reviewer, dishearten a fine talent, make someone new give up, thinking the word isn't good.)
(Sorry for using your review for my rant! But please, never stop writing and when your book is finished, do not take 'no' for an answer or in any way be discouraged about publishing - it WILL find a home, I have no doubt whatsoever, regardless of my disdain for much of the industry these days.)
Shit - no damn 6 stars available for you yet!!! Stupid system, limit of 30 days for one writer!!!
Fondly, your friend, Dawn
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Bev, I am going to tell you something and it is very important that you believe me - I stress this because you are so humble, I think sometimes you think I am only being 'a friend' when I review your work - first of all, a true friend will always give you honesty about what you write - tactfully if there are problems, but still honest evaluation. Secondly, I am an avid reader - I do not mean to be arrogant, but I honestly have always found literature to be fairly easy for me, both in reading interpretation and expressing. That said, here is what I need you to hear: in my opinion, your writing is gifted! You have a great talent my friend. This chapter is a perfect example of that - I will give only a couple of examples, but there are dozens in this one chapter alone - 1) "Dawn's light hunkered beyond the window, anxious to press itself forward like an itinerant preacher's healing hands." 2) "His voice was edged with authority. 'But it's a dangerous path for the unbalanced ego.' How does he...".
Anyone can learn to use the tools, Bev. Not everyone has the ability to weave them into magic, and that is what your words are throughout your writing - magical. You give my argument about the FanStory rating system its legitimacy, although you AREN'T a good example of THAT because you have also used the tools correctly. (hahaha-I argue that if a writer has talent it shouldn't be discouraged by a poor rating because of spag-that should be taught (corrected) by all means, but should NOT be what the rating is based on. Otherwise you could, as a reviewer, dishearten a fine talent, make someone new give up, thinking the word isn't good.)
(Sorry for using your review for my rant! But please, never stop writing and when your book is finished, do not take 'no' for an answer or in any way be discouraged about publishing - it WILL find a home, I have no doubt whatsoever, regardless of my disdain for much of the industry these days.)
Shit - no damn 6 stars available for you yet!!! Stupid system, limit of 30 days for one writer!!!
Fondly, your friend, Dawn
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Aw, Dawn. What beautiful words of support. I am honored, to say the very least. For you to reach out in such a kind way just makes me so much more grateful for becoming your fan and learning what a classy lady you.
Thank for your honoring me in such a generous and beautiful manner, Dawn.
Love ya, Bev
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:)
Comment from robina1978
It was long, but another good chapter. Sometimes one has to be longer. You manage to keep the tension up so well in most of them. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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It was long, but another good chapter. Sometimes one has to be longer. You manage to keep the tension up so well in most of them. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Thank you very much, Ine. I appreciate your generous review~
Warmest regards, Bev
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Most welcome Bev, Ine
Comment from misscookie
Another wonderful chapyer fill with everything a good story need shock, surprise mystery. who doid it and why?
some times you have to go an extra mile to complete a chapter. I didn't mind.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Another wonderful chapyer fill with everything a good story need shock, surprise mystery. who doid it and why?
some times you have to go an extra mile to complete a chapter. I didn't mind.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Bless you, Miss Cookie, for reading and sending along your great review. I really appreciate your words of support~
Hugs, Bev
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Until next time
MISS Coookie
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Until next time
MISS Coookie
Comment from c_lucas
One with the paranormal gift must learn to control the energies around them. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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One with the paranormal gift must learn to control the energies around them. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 23-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2012
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Ah, it's the control that often takes years. Thanks so much, Charlie.
Warm regards, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
