Poetry, Dreams In Motion.
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "What's One More?"A collection of poetry.
10 total reviews
Comment from Nescher Pyscher
The anger is definitely there.
It's hard to know what to say after reading something so deeply personal like this. Fanstory tends to be a bit facetious. :0P
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The anger is definitely there.
It's hard to know what to say after reading something so deeply personal like this. Fanstory tends to be a bit facetious. :0P
Comment Written 20-Mar-2005
Comment from Balladeer
You have written this so well and
it has a voice of its own as your words
roll from one line to the next in such
an easily understood fashion.
A really well written piece.
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You have written this so well and
it has a voice of its own as your words
roll from one line to the next in such
an easily understood fashion.
A really well written piece.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2005
Comment from WritePoeticSorceress
All I can say is You Go Girl! I loved the passion of this poem not to mention the message. It flows well and is very well-written. Keep Writing!
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All I can say is You Go Girl! I loved the passion of this poem not to mention the message. It flows well and is very well-written. Keep Writing!
Comment Written 19-Mar-2005
Comment from raywithrow
I couldn't have said it better myself!!! For years, I was beaten by my Dad, and the punishment was ALWAYS the same - whether I told a little white lie, or stole hubcaps from the neighbor's cars - just for the hell of it! After a while, and after learning to play guitar, I had developed callouses on my hands and my BUTT! It didn't hurt anymore, and before he died, he said "I'm sorry!"
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I couldn't have said it better myself!!! For years, I was beaten by my Dad, and the punishment was ALWAYS the same - whether I told a little white lie, or stole hubcaps from the neighbor's cars - just for the hell of it! After a while, and after learning to play guitar, I had developed callouses on my hands and my BUTT! It didn't hurt anymore, and before he died, he said "I'm sorry!"
Comment Written 18-Mar-2005
Comment from TKField
Looks like it's just not working out. the anger is palpable. There is steam coming off this poem. It's a little out of context . I mean it's like getting one side of the story. What ahs this person done to merit this reaction. Whats the other side? The second half is the stronger here in my opinion. I thought nthere were perhaps too many questions in the free verse first part.
Overall good tirade.
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Looks like it's just not working out. the anger is palpable. There is steam coming off this poem. It's a little out of context . I mean it's like getting one side of the story. What ahs this person done to merit this reaction. Whats the other side? The second half is the stronger here in my opinion. I thought nthere were perhaps too many questions in the free verse first part.
Overall good tirade.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2005
Comment from michee
This is really good poem.
It is very emotional, very angry but reads very well.
It has a good rhythm to it and the words were direct and to the point.
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This is really good poem.
It is very emotional, very angry but reads very well.
It has a good rhythm to it and the words were direct and to the point.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2005
Comment from CarolinasAngel
I think you worded this poem wonderfully.. This is really good. It reads smooth and is very nicely done. I wouldn't chance a thing! Write on... Candy
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I think you worded this poem wonderfully.. This is really good. It reads smooth and is very nicely done. I wouldn't chance a thing! Write on... Candy
Comment Written 18-Mar-2005
Comment from Hetty
Hi Ricouard,
Okay. This is a very very strong poem with a battering ram of a message. The rhythm is very engaging because of the abrupt change half way through.
Consider the possibility of making this poem a song, a protest song.
I totally applaud the sentiments which have been put extremely well.
However, BECAUSE I applaud the sentiments, I would really like to see this tightened so that the whole tirade flows from an angry mouth that has finally been FREEEEEEED!!! Okay, if I reproduce the poem below, I will try to show you where I found myself stumbling a little.
You have an 8,9,8,9 syllabic beat count on this first stanza.
What's one more burden to shoulder,
When you think I carry it so well?
What's one more reason to feel shame,
If it's another notch in your belt?
What's one more reason to feel hurt,
As long as it isn't you who cries?
What's one more reason to shift the blame, (delete "the")
When you can pretend that you tried? (add 1 syllable here)
What's one more false accusation,
If you believe you're in the right? (Try "When you always believe that you're right" to keep rhythm)
What's one more bruise to cover up,
When you'll deny it with a lie? (Try "When you try to deny, with a lie")
Even though you have put a different layout here, it still reads like the rhythm of the stanza above. I think you can keep to the stanza above because you have changed the style of phrasing to questioning, so it stands out anyway)
What's one more burden? One more shame?
Or one more hurt, One more blame? (If you do this, you will need to put another 2 syllables in this line)
(One) more accusation, (And) one more bruise? (Consider deleting)
One more lie? You want the truth? (Consider: "One more lie?Shall I tell you the truth?")
Well then... I'll tell you: (this is perfect out on its own because it is preparing the reader for the abrupt change in rhythm)
5,5,5,5
This burden's NOT mine.
You'll carry it well!
The shame is all yours.
Stick THAT in your belt!
The hurt will be yours,
And I'll see that YOU cry! (delete "And")
So, shove the blame up your ASS ("Shove it up YOUR ass")
With your pathetic "I tried"! (2 syllables too many on this line)
This is MY accusation, (2 syllables too long)
You'll see that I'm right!
To hell with these bruises, (1 syllable too long)
And FUCK all your lies! (can you get this last word to rhyme with "right"?)
I've had enough of your shit! (Delete "I've had" - more dominant)
I WON'T take anymore! (Delete "I")
You want to dominate ME? (Delete "You want to" and put in "Huh" after "ME" or another 1 syllable word)
Then prepare for a war! (Delete "Then")
THAT is the difference
Between (just) ONE MORE!
Good stuff. Well done
Hetty
Hope this helps!
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Hi Ricouard,
Okay. This is a very very strong poem with a battering ram of a message. The rhythm is very engaging because of the abrupt change half way through.
Consider the possibility of making this poem a song, a protest song.
I totally applaud the sentiments which have been put extremely well.
However, BECAUSE I applaud the sentiments, I would really like to see this tightened so that the whole tirade flows from an angry mouth that has finally been FREEEEEEED!!! Okay, if I reproduce the poem below, I will try to show you where I found myself stumbling a little.
You have an 8,9,8,9 syllabic beat count on this first stanza.
What's one more burden to shoulder,
When you think I carry it so well?
What's one more reason to feel shame,
If it's another notch in your belt?
What's one more reason to feel hurt,
As long as it isn't you who cries?
What's one more reason to shift the blame, (delete "the")
When you can pretend that you tried? (add 1 syllable here)
What's one more false accusation,
If you believe you're in the right? (Try "When you always believe that you're right" to keep rhythm)
What's one more bruise to cover up,
When you'll deny it with a lie? (Try "When you try to deny, with a lie")
Even though you have put a different layout here, it still reads like the rhythm of the stanza above. I think you can keep to the stanza above because you have changed the style of phrasing to questioning, so it stands out anyway)
What's one more burden? One more shame?
Or one more hurt, One more blame? (If you do this, you will need to put another 2 syllables in this line)
(One) more accusation, (And) one more bruise? (Consider deleting)
One more lie? You want the truth? (Consider: "One more lie?Shall I tell you the truth?")
Well then... I'll tell you: (this is perfect out on its own because it is preparing the reader for the abrupt change in rhythm)
5,5,5,5
This burden's NOT mine.
You'll carry it well!
The shame is all yours.
Stick THAT in your belt!
The hurt will be yours,
And I'll see that YOU cry! (delete "And")
So, shove the blame up your ASS ("Shove it up YOUR ass")
With your pathetic "I tried"! (2 syllables too many on this line)
This is MY accusation, (2 syllables too long)
You'll see that I'm right!
To hell with these bruises, (1 syllable too long)
And FUCK all your lies! (can you get this last word to rhyme with "right"?)
I've had enough of your shit! (Delete "I've had" - more dominant)
I WON'T take anymore! (Delete "I")
You want to dominate ME? (Delete "You want to" and put in "Huh" after "ME" or another 1 syllable word)
Then prepare for a war! (Delete "Then")
THAT is the difference
Between (just) ONE MORE!
Good stuff. Well done
Hetty
Hope this helps!
Comment Written 18-Mar-2005
Comment from Little Dove
I'm giving this peom a 4 star review for lots and lots of emotion; but it makes the reader wonder what's gotten you so upset, so if you could, do you think you could write the reason for this rage, in another poem.
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I'm giving this peom a 4 star review for lots and lots of emotion; but it makes the reader wonder what's gotten you so upset, so if you could, do you think you could write the reason for this rage, in another poem.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2005
Comment from Wendyanne
This is a very angry poem. I think your use of bad language actually emphasises the anger that you feel. Enjoyed the honesty of your feelings. Well done.
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This is a very angry poem. I think your use of bad language actually emphasises the anger that you feel. Enjoyed the honesty of your feelings. Well done.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2005
