Fear on the Bayou
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Some Answers"Two weeks in New Orleans for R&R
18 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am way behind in my reviewing and have missed some of your posts. My day job gets in the way, but it pays the bills. I enjoyed reading this post.
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2012
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I am way behind in my reviewing and have missed some of your posts. My day job gets in the way, but it pays the bills. I enjoyed reading this post.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2012
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Hi Barbara,
Sorry this took so long. Jeff and I went away for another long weekend.
So glad you liked this one and thanks for the fine stars!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from adewpearl
Your dialogue sounds authentic, for instance, the short, clipped sentences of the phone conversation.
Good layering of the dialogue with descriptions of non-verbal communication, like shrugging, sighing, swallowing hard...
You create suspense well as they piece together the clues
I like the sheriff's dialect, enough to give his speech flavor but not so much it's difficult to read
you work in back story well, too
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2012
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Your dialogue sounds authentic, for instance, the short, clipped sentences of the phone conversation.
Good layering of the dialogue with descriptions of non-verbal communication, like shrugging, sighing, swallowing hard...
You create suspense well as they piece together the clues
I like the sheriff's dialect, enough to give his speech flavor but not so much it's difficult to read
you work in back story well, too
Comment Written 15-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2012
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Hi Brooke, I'm so glad you commented on the dialect. I always try hard to make it authentic sounding. It can get to be too much without trying hard, that's for sure, but when you luck in, sounds like a movie.
I always appreciate your input. BTW, I'm just loving Jenny's book!
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from nor84
I'm dictating this, and sometimes I don't see when the dictation software fails me.
He pulled his notepad and pen from his shirt pocket>>> I recommend saying "the notepad and pen" so that "his" doesn't appear twice in this sentence.
He batted his eyes several times >>> I think blinked would be better here. The word "batted" makes me think of a woman fluttering her eyelashes. And if you use "blinked" you don't need "his eyes".
"All these women are similar in type and build(,) although the ages do range."
no tire or footprints, no eye or even ear witnesses. >>> I would just go with "no witnesses". Why? Because the mention of ear witnesses is a bit jarring. I also think that because he's talking to people he considers on a par with the police, he wouldn't tell them what they already know -- that with no witnesses to the crime is hard to solve. In fact, I doubt the police would share this kind of information under any circumstances, but I don't write these stories.
A chuckle can't sound like chalk on a blackboard. It's a good simile, if the chuckle annoys Lenny "like chalk on a blackboard."
The blood drained back out of Jim's head so fast he went lightheaded>>> point of view switch. Lenny has been telling me the story, and he can't know that Jim feels lightheaded. It may be that your four-line break doesn't show, but I have to go by what I see.
The sheriff rose to his feet,>>> I recommend "stood" because it's tighter.
See this here is why we usually don't involve the families!>>> Not an exclamation. He's just making a statement.
From this step forward, Lou walked on shaky ground on so many levels, he didn't even know for sure which one ranked the highest. He had no alternative, though, he knew that, too. His only hope was Lenny and his influence over Jim. >>>POV switch to Lou. Again, I realize you may catch this, or that you intended it, but I don't know either to be the case.
I remember the woman as saying "werewolf" so you might want to check this. I could be wrong.
He played it three more times before Lenny was satisfied.>>>POV switch to Lenny.
Jim's chin rested on his knuckles, unable to take in such an abrupt shift in direction. He glanced at Lenny. >>>POV switch to Jim. Even if you leave this as is, I think you need to change the sentence to: Jim rested his chin on his knuckles". Otherwise, the subject of the sentences "chin" instead of "Jim".
Her father died about ten years ago and she inherited the plantation; nothing's changed in a hundred years.">>> I'm not sure about the statement "nothing's changed in 100 years." It implies that Louise and Charles have been around that long. I think it has to be clearer.
Needs a little work, but then you said you were really batting these out.
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reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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I'm dictating this, and sometimes I don't see when the dictation software fails me.
He pulled his notepad and pen from his shirt pocket>>> I recommend saying "the notepad and pen" so that "his" doesn't appear twice in this sentence.
He batted his eyes several times >>> I think blinked would be better here. The word "batted" makes me think of a woman fluttering her eyelashes. And if you use "blinked" you don't need "his eyes".
"All these women are similar in type and build(,) although the ages do range."
no tire or footprints, no eye or even ear witnesses. >>> I would just go with "no witnesses". Why? Because the mention of ear witnesses is a bit jarring. I also think that because he's talking to people he considers on a par with the police, he wouldn't tell them what they already know -- that with no witnesses to the crime is hard to solve. In fact, I doubt the police would share this kind of information under any circumstances, but I don't write these stories.
A chuckle can't sound like chalk on a blackboard. It's a good simile, if the chuckle annoys Lenny "like chalk on a blackboard."
The blood drained back out of Jim's head so fast he went lightheaded>>> point of view switch. Lenny has been telling me the story, and he can't know that Jim feels lightheaded. It may be that your four-line break doesn't show, but I have to go by what I see.
The sheriff rose to his feet,>>> I recommend "stood" because it's tighter.
See this here is why we usually don't involve the families!>>> Not an exclamation. He's just making a statement.
From this step forward, Lou walked on shaky ground on so many levels, he didn't even know for sure which one ranked the highest. He had no alternative, though, he knew that, too. His only hope was Lenny and his influence over Jim. >>>POV switch to Lou. Again, I realize you may catch this, or that you intended it, but I don't know either to be the case.
I remember the woman as saying "werewolf" so you might want to check this. I could be wrong.
He played it three more times before Lenny was satisfied.>>>POV switch to Lenny.
Jim's chin rested on his knuckles, unable to take in such an abrupt shift in direction. He glanced at Lenny. >>>POV switch to Jim. Even if you leave this as is, I think you need to change the sentence to: Jim rested his chin on his knuckles". Otherwise, the subject of the sentences "chin" instead of "Jim".
Her father died about ten years ago and she inherited the plantation; nothing's changed in a hundred years.">>> I'm not sure about the statement "nothing's changed in 100 years." It implies that Louise and Charles have been around that long. I think it has to be clearer.
Needs a little work, but then you said you were really batting these out.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Like Mickey Mantle! Yes, I've already made several changes on here and made total changes to the ms! Eh gads, when the characters get going I get rug burn. Actually perfected the last two chapters yesterday but now I've got a good bit of info to share!
Going great guns, thanks so much for the great comments and catches!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Here are a few nit picks for this segment.
The car pulled away from the bottom of the stairs? Maybe, it would read smoother if you put Lenny at the bottom of the stairs. Here's an idea:
Lenny watched Sheriff Perina's cruiser pull away from the bottom of the stairs and head down the long, winding driveway.--- Lenny watched from the bottom of the stairs, as Sheriff Perina's cruiser pulled away and head down the long, winding driveway. Moments later, Jim's cell rang. He took a quick look at the face plate.
Here's a spot where it might be clearer if, instead of that first pronoun, Jim was identified.
Fearing he was about to suffer a stroke, Lenny grabbed his arm, pulling him back into his chair. Jim continued gasping and panting ---Fearing that Jim was about to suffer a stroke, Lenny grabbed his friend's arm, and pulled him back into his chair. Jim continued gasping and panting.
Drinks ordered and delivered, the sheriff leaned forward, face set in stern lines and glared at Jim. "See this here is why we usually don't involve the families! I know the agony y'all're goin' through an I sympathize, but we don't have time for that now, okay? I need to tell ya a lotta stuff that ya gotta listen to, an then we gotta make somethin' out of it, and quick. Okay? Listen up. Jim, drink at least half that cocktail right now, y'hear?"--- "Cocktail" doesn't seem to be the right word for a deep south sheriff to use. Perhaps it would sound more in character if he was more specific. Something like "rum and tonic", "Bourbon and coke" or "Vodka."
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Here are a few nit picks for this segment.
The car pulled away from the bottom of the stairs? Maybe, it would read smoother if you put Lenny at the bottom of the stairs. Here's an idea:
Lenny watched Sheriff Perina's cruiser pull away from the bottom of the stairs and head down the long, winding driveway.--- Lenny watched from the bottom of the stairs, as Sheriff Perina's cruiser pulled away and head down the long, winding driveway. Moments later, Jim's cell rang. He took a quick look at the face plate.
Here's a spot where it might be clearer if, instead of that first pronoun, Jim was identified.
Fearing he was about to suffer a stroke, Lenny grabbed his arm, pulling him back into his chair. Jim continued gasping and panting ---Fearing that Jim was about to suffer a stroke, Lenny grabbed his friend's arm, and pulled him back into his chair. Jim continued gasping and panting.
Drinks ordered and delivered, the sheriff leaned forward, face set in stern lines and glared at Jim. "See this here is why we usually don't involve the families! I know the agony y'all're goin' through an I sympathize, but we don't have time for that now, okay? I need to tell ya a lotta stuff that ya gotta listen to, an then we gotta make somethin' out of it, and quick. Okay? Listen up. Jim, drink at least half that cocktail right now, y'hear?"--- "Cocktail" doesn't seem to be the right word for a deep south sheriff to use. Perhaps it would sound more in character if he was more specific. Something like "rum and tonic", "Bourbon and coke" or "Vodka."
Comment Written 14-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Hey Freddie,
Oh my, you're right as always. Could be Lenny having a stroke, will fix. Always right on. I'll just switch it up ...
For sure, not cocktail. How about highball? Maybe I'll just say 'finish your drink'.
Thanks so much, Freddie,
Hugs,m
Annabelle
Comment from rwilliam
Wonderful chapter! So intriguing! :-)
He propped it up on table and nodded at Jim.--Nit Pick- but your missing the word 'the' between on and table.
Like poof, literally.--This part I had to re-read several times to understand what you were saying. I wonder if emphasizing would help. Maybe: Like POOF, literally. Something to help it read more clearly.
OK, in my opinion you need to work on the Sheriff's accent. When he is telling them about the werewolf and stuff he's talking pretty 'normal' and then when they leave the office to go to River Rock his thick accent seems to reappear. This needs to be more consistent. I really liked his thick accent. Sets his character apart.
Great work, dear! Very suspenseful!
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Wonderful chapter! So intriguing! :-)
He propped it up on table and nodded at Jim.--Nit Pick- but your missing the word 'the' between on and table.
Like poof, literally.--This part I had to re-read several times to understand what you were saying. I wonder if emphasizing would help. Maybe: Like POOF, literally. Something to help it read more clearly.
OK, in my opinion you need to work on the Sheriff's accent. When he is telling them about the werewolf and stuff he's talking pretty 'normal' and then when they leave the office to go to River Rock his thick accent seems to reappear. This needs to be more consistent. I really liked his thick accent. Sets his character apart.
Great work, dear! Very suspenseful!
Comment Written 14-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Hey Becky, thanks so much for the great review and ideas. I'll get in and add the 'the' and POOF should be in italics. It is in the ms!
So you like the accent. I want to do it thick but I'm afraid it'll get to sounding smarmy after a bit. Still, I'm always more than happy to spice it up!
Thank you so much for the great comments!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rob Caudle
Gayle, another great read. I have about 10 days before I can return full time. I hope to get caught up with everyone then but I will always stay up with your story. Well done, I was totally sucked in as I don't real believe in werewolves. You have written it well enough for me to suspend disbelief. Thanks for the great read, and no books as of yet but JJ and I are watching the mail box.
Rob
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Gayle, another great read. I have about 10 days before I can return full time. I hope to get caught up with everyone then but I will always stay up with your story. Well done, I was totally sucked in as I don't real believe in werewolves. You have written it well enough for me to suspend disbelief. Thanks for the great read, and no books as of yet but JJ and I are watching the mail box.
Rob
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Well, there were several of them, so maybe it's taking longer. If you haven't gotten them by this time next week, let me know and we'll get a trace out.
So glad you like this one. Honest, this is the first werewolf I've ever written about, so I had to do a good bit of research. It's been a real trip for sure.
Thanks so much for the great comments and I'll be glad to welcone you back full time!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from jjstar
I love this chapter! You have the perfect amount of panic on Jim's part, a good mixture of Lenny calming influence, and background on Louise and Charles. Then the flash to Ella begging for Terry to save her was superb. I hope you'll have Terry snapping out of her doldrums pretty soon and deciding to do something, anything besides be overwhelmed with grief. I'd love to see her take charge, get a "message" from her sister, and tear the town up!
He propped it up on table and nodded at Jim. ==on the table?? :)
He's got copies of the photos we got the==maybe since you already used got you could say photos we took instead of using got again?
his suffering and anguish all the more pitiful because it was mute. ==I hate it when that happens. Reminds me of when we moved our son to Reno with us and he did that very thing all the way there! TORTURE!
"Ya can't make this shit up." ==hahaha...no, you can't
drink and talk unmolested==interesting use of unmolested..for me a little awkward..but still interesting.
"See this here is why we ==don't know if you meant to not put a comma in after see?
Jim, drink at least half that cocktail right now, y'hear?"
==great way to set the conversation up. We know this isn't going to be good!
Words would form, ideas would jell; memories jumbled together just long enough to develop an ether and then disappear.==EXCELLENT!
One name that meant safety.
===love this...it should be a continuing theme!
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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I love this chapter! You have the perfect amount of panic on Jim's part, a good mixture of Lenny calming influence, and background on Louise and Charles. Then the flash to Ella begging for Terry to save her was superb. I hope you'll have Terry snapping out of her doldrums pretty soon and deciding to do something, anything besides be overwhelmed with grief. I'd love to see her take charge, get a "message" from her sister, and tear the town up!
He propped it up on table and nodded at Jim. ==on the table?? :)
He's got copies of the photos we got the==maybe since you already used got you could say photos we took instead of using got again?
his suffering and anguish all the more pitiful because it was mute. ==I hate it when that happens. Reminds me of when we moved our son to Reno with us and he did that very thing all the way there! TORTURE!
"Ya can't make this shit up." ==hahaha...no, you can't
drink and talk unmolested==interesting use of unmolested..for me a little awkward..but still interesting.
"See this here is why we ==don't know if you meant to not put a comma in after see?
Jim, drink at least half that cocktail right now, y'hear?"
==great way to set the conversation up. We know this isn't going to be good!
Words would form, ideas would jell; memories jumbled together just long enough to develop an ether and then disappear.==EXCELLENT!
One name that meant safety.
===love this...it should be a continuing theme!
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Hey JJ, went back in and made several fixes here on the chapter and then went in and did a huge amount of editing last night. I know you're going to love the ending.
Okay, believe it or not, the end is done. Now I just have to write the last five chapters!
Thanks for the eagle eye and the great comments.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from shelley kaye
being an identical twin has to be so much fun!
i'm liking this story (even though it has a werewolf in it lol ;-P)
didn't expect charles and louise to be first cousins and married - interesting twist.
didn't notice any spaggies or typos (YAY! ;)
thanx for sharing - can't wait to see what happens next! :)
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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being an identical twin has to be so much fun!
i'm liking this story (even though it has a werewolf in it lol ;-P)
didn't expect charles and louise to be first cousins and married - interesting twist.
didn't notice any spaggies or typos (YAY! ;)
thanx for sharing - can't wait to see what happens next! :)
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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I bet it's a gas! And that 'twin thing' is real, at least so says the research. Brain thingy, I guess. Always so good to see you,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Writingfundimension
Hi, Gayle. Excellent job connecting the dots. You've plotted this very well ... the pictures turning Lenny into a believer and coming on board the investigation. Your character's reactions and dialogue are especially well done in this chapter, Gayle. Great writing and a bit of hope at the end. Hugs, Bev
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hi, Gayle. Excellent job connecting the dots. You've plotted this very well ... the pictures turning Lenny into a believer and coming on board the investigation. Your character's reactions and dialogue are especially well done in this chapter, Gayle. Great writing and a bit of hope at the end. Hugs, Bev
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hey Bev,
Talk about suspending disbelief, huh? Of course, when you have a werewolf, how much suspension is necessary?
Thanks so much for the great review.
Hugs,
Gayle
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You're very welcome, Gayle. Xxx Bev
Comment from Joy Graham
Ooooh I can't stand the suspense. Poor Ella! I'm thinking Terry and Ella have a twin connection and that will help them find Ella.
I must say, I was a little let down that you ended the werewolf stuff early. I understand that you wanted to get on with the detective work so I can live with that. It was the werewolf aspect that drew me to this story in the beginning.
It is your story. I am loving it still.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Ooooh I can't stand the suspense. Poor Ella! I'm thinking Terry and Ella have a twin connection and that will help them find Ella.
I must say, I was a little let down that you ended the werewolf stuff early. I understand that you wanted to get on with the detective work so I can live with that. It was the werewolf aspect that drew me to this story in the beginning.
It is your story. I am loving it still.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Well, we've lost one werewolf, but we're not sure that thread is over. Like I say, the characters write and I type. It's kind of weird if you want the truth!
Such great comments as always and I so appreciate them. Thanks and big hugs,
Gayle
