Experiences of Death
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Rondel of the Ring"Metre ... Mixed
9 total reviews
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Very nice, Bic. You definitely have a talent for this type of poetry. This reads beautifully, with a wonderful choice of words and imagery.
Av
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2012
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Very nice, Bic. You definitely have a talent for this type of poetry. This reads beautifully, with a wonderful choice of words and imagery.
Av
Comment Written 11-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2012
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Excellent AV it took a lot of help but we got there in the end... just about.
Comment from Meta~Mark
Bic, this is absolutely the best poem.I have seen on.here lately and well deserving a 6 star, you made this ring endearing and come to life with a vivid color and something to cherish.
Bravo, brilliant and non appetite this masterpiece, take a bow to the king.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Bic, this is absolutely the best poem.I have seen on.here lately and well deserving a 6 star, you made this ring endearing and come to life with a vivid color and something to cherish.
Bravo, brilliant and non appetite this masterpiece, take a bow to the king.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Will do my friend...glad you like afterits re work into what it should have beenin the first place, much appreciate bro...
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Bicpen, you chose great visuals to set up your poem and did weave some magic but found a certain flow missing on the last verse, even though the story was there, keep honing these works, there's something that could be really special about such a topic, your heart. Regards jumbo j.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Hi Bicpen, you chose great visuals to set up your poem and did weave some magic but found a certain flow missing on the last verse, even though the story was there, keep honing these works, there's something that could be really special about such a topic, your heart. Regards jumbo j.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Much thanks, appreciate.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Sad and moving tale in this rondelle. Beautifully written phrases throughout make it a good read. Something like that is to be treasured and passed down. :)
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Sad and moving tale in this rondelle. Beautifully written phrases throughout make it a good read. Something like that is to be treasured and passed down. :)
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Thank you.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good job on the edits!
First review (FOUR stars)
The tone and emotional overtones in this work are excellent. The presentation is artistic striking and appealing. Drew me in.
This poem has lots of potential but still needs fine tuning and tweaking, in my opinion. It has some awkward spots that hamper smooth reading. (Also some spag)
NOTES-
A ring of gold, one band and colours three
symmetry encompassing love and life.
Nice opening. The mixed meter still flows fine.
These two lines are a bit awkward, especially without punctuation to guide the pauses and with the odd grammar in second one:
My mother a widow also his wife,
I was but seventeen his son he leaves.
With some punctuation, it might make more sense. I
m not sure which is the best option, but here are a few ideas to consider:
My mother, a widow, also his wife;
I was but seventeen, his son, he leaves.
or
My mother--a widow--also his wife;
I was but seventeen; his son, he leaves.
or
My mother--a widow, also his wife;
I was but seventeen--his son--he leaves.
or
My mother, a widow--also his wife;
I was but seventeen, the son he leaves.
Or any combination of the above.
*spag
A great gift he gave, his respect bequeathed,(; pr . or --)
to know him more deeply would have been nice.
A ring of gold, one band and colours three(,)
affectionatly(affectionately,) never out of sight.
A father to his children(,) I now teethe
This line, read aloud, flows out of rhythm with the rest. Consider revising:
as I try beyond my soul's hurt to fight,
* not sure about repeating the word always twice in a row, here. Also, always and ever mean the same thing...
at night my tears for him are always right.
I always ever to his figure cleave,
Nice repeating line-
a ring of gold, one band and colours three.
Hope this proves helpful....
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Second review
Good job on the edits!
First review (FOUR stars)
The tone and emotional overtones in this work are excellent. The presentation is artistic striking and appealing. Drew me in.
This poem has lots of potential but still needs fine tuning and tweaking, in my opinion. It has some awkward spots that hamper smooth reading. (Also some spag)
NOTES-
A ring of gold, one band and colours three
symmetry encompassing love and life.
Nice opening. The mixed meter still flows fine.
These two lines are a bit awkward, especially without punctuation to guide the pauses and with the odd grammar in second one:
My mother a widow also his wife,
I was but seventeen his son he leaves.
With some punctuation, it might make more sense. I
m not sure which is the best option, but here are a few ideas to consider:
My mother, a widow, also his wife;
I was but seventeen, his son, he leaves.
or
My mother--a widow--also his wife;
I was but seventeen; his son, he leaves.
or
My mother--a widow, also his wife;
I was but seventeen--his son--he leaves.
or
My mother, a widow--also his wife;
I was but seventeen, the son he leaves.
Or any combination of the above.
*spag
A great gift he gave, his respect bequeathed,(; pr . or --)
to know him more deeply would have been nice.
A ring of gold, one band and colours three(,)
affectionatly(affectionately,) never out of sight.
A father to his children(,) I now teethe
This line, read aloud, flows out of rhythm with the rest. Consider revising:
as I try beyond my soul's hurt to fight,
* not sure about repeating the word always twice in a row, here. Also, always and ever mean the same thing...
at night my tears for him are always right.
I always ever to his figure cleave,
Nice repeating line-
a ring of gold, one band and colours three.
Hope this proves helpful....
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Hey rd made some improvements just wondering what you meant by mixed meter on first two lines as I think there both 10 syllables each, otherwise...hey presto...possible five maybe a six even...!!!
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Hey Bic--Good changes--made a second review
Meter is not only the syllable count but the way they FLOW in terms of 'stresses' or accents. It's a musical matter. For example, in iambic meter, the flow is with an ACCENT on every second syllable.
Warmly, rd
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No worries rd I did not try to make it iambic I just did not understand what you meant by that...but now I do. If I want to check the flow I go over the notation of the poem and decipher what and where the stress syllables lie that way it is convincing for me. I do not usually do this unless the meter is determined by stresses...if you see what I mean...much obliged rd.
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If you were trying for iambic, there's still a lot of work to do. Let me know if you want help. Warmly, rd
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does it strictly have to be iabic in the Rondel...just asking...I was'nt aiming for it to be iambic.
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I don't know---maybe try googling it. I've never written one. If it does, then this needs tons of work...
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I hope not...!!!!!
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Did you check? You should google it.
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will do rd when I get the mind to...and any editing will be carefully instructed to the letter...!
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Typically eight syllables but open to the author...not iambic...might be intresting for the future.
Comment from Bindu Saxena
It's a good rondel.You used 13 lines which is well within the prescribed rhyme and refrains.I also noticed the reappearance of first line at the end too which is correct. Besides the sentiments inherent, it also talks about a little sad side of the family.Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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It's a good rondel.You used 13 lines which is well within the prescribed rhyme and refrains.I also noticed the reappearance of first line at the end too which is correct. Besides the sentiments inherent, it also talks about a little sad side of the family.Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Well as far as I can figure the format of this Rondel is correct:
I had it in a previous form that was not correct hence the confusion in some reviews...
Comment from TammyGail
B... this was wow - your word weaving in this is simply divine really - I'm ever happy I have a six for you but in truth you deserve so much more - stunning work sweetie your adornments make your ink shine - thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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B... this was wow - your word weaving in this is simply divine really - I'm ever happy I have a six for you but in truth you deserve so much more - stunning work sweetie your adornments make your ink shine - thanks for sharing
Comment Written 09-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2012
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Excellent T.
...thanks to our local genius ...G... i had a disaster saved from the abyss, other people just couldnt give a monkeys. Been at these two rondels for a while and its almost 6 a.m. so if you excuse me I am going to try and get some kip...love the six have'nt had a worthy one for a while, love and smiles...(xxx)
Comment from Gungalo
RONDEL: French form consisting of 13 lines (10 syllables a line): 2 quatrains and a quintet, rhyming as follows: Abba abAB abbaA. Capital letters are refrains, or rep
As you can see Bic, your rodel is faulty. It's a good write but needs you to work on it.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2012
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RONDEL: French form consisting of 13 lines (10 syllables a line): 2 quatrains and a quintet, rhyming as follows: Abba abAB abbaA. Capital letters are refrains, or rep
As you can see Bic, your rodel is faulty. It's a good write but needs you to work on it.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2012
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Hey thanks ...G... thats my dyslexia bit kicking in gets muddled up with the abba ab ab a bba's if you see what I mean will have it disabled and returned when I correct it, cant have your clouds not right can we...many thanks ...B...
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Aweeeeee, well it is a good write guy.
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Hey G... does the B happen once or is it a repeat also.
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:) Abba abAB abbaA. Only once .
Comment from dmt1967
I like this poem again not sure what its about but I can guess but I like poems I don't understand if they are well written it makes me think thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2012
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I like this poem again not sure what its about but I can guess but I like poems I don't understand if they are well written it makes me think thank you for sharing
Comment Written 08-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2012
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It actually about my Father and his death...what was your guess?
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my guess was a death in the family
