Collision Course
two men on a desperate mission49 total reviews
Comment from EMB
What a read. This was just great. Your characters were lively and full of fun, and I love the concept of a "crime nation." Hell, that sounds like a novel in itself.
And this:
shake your wang at your problems," muttered Chancer. (Funny.)
Well done.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
  |
What a read. This was just great. Your characters were lively and full of fun, and I love the concept of a "crime nation." Hell, that sounds like a novel in itself.
And this:
shake your wang at your problems," muttered Chancer. (Funny.)
Well done.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
-
Thanks, Edward :-). I love scribbling futuristic stories when I'm on a tight timescale, because I can invent wildly as I go. So glad you enjoyed this one, mate.
Mike
Comment from Sun-E-Day
This was so much fun to read. I love the dialogue and Chancer is just a funny guy. You did a great job with really developing his character in just under 2,500 words. The descriptions are wonderful as well. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
 |
This was so much fun to read. I love the dialogue and Chancer is just a funny guy. You did a great job with really developing his character in just under 2,500 words. The descriptions are wonderful as well. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
-
Thank you, Sun :-). Characterisation is one of the things I worry about, because I used tovjust let it happen, which meant it sometimes didn't! I'm glad it worked here, and your wonderfully encouraging review is greatly appreciated.
Mike
Comment from Crystal Carey
Aww I don't like the ending, however it is a great story, but I could never shoot a friend! Although to stop their suffering I might consider it. Thanks for sharing!
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
|
Aww I don't like the ending, however it is a great story, but I could never shoot a friend! Although to stop their suffering I might consider it. Thanks for sharing!
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
-
Thank you, CC :-). I know the ending is a bit.bleak, but I left a little hope in there. I think life's always about trying, even if.your chances are slim to none. Otherwise, none of us would write!
I'm so glad you liked my story :-).
Mike
Comment from Sasha
I am out of 6's and apologize for only giving you a 5. I just loved this story. You had me from the beginning all the way to the really cool ending. Great work with this one. I honestly feel this is a superb entry for this contest and sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
|
I am out of 6's and apologize for only giving you a 5. I just loved this story. You had me from the beginning all the way to the really cool ending. Great work with this one. I honestly feel this is a superb entry for this contest and sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
-
Aww, I don't need a six (though they're always nice!). Your wonderful comments are everything I need. I wasn't planning to enter this contest - I'd looked at the picture and not had any ideas - but then I decided to just start yesterday afternoon, and see where it took me. Glad I did!
Mike
Comment from MumEsGirl
Hi Mike
I loved this one. Normally I am not too keen on this genre, but you made it fun.
It is a cross between Jurassic park and Star Trek. Look forward to reading more soon
hugs
kate
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
|
Hi Mike
I loved this one. Normally I am not too keen on this genre, but you made it fun.
It is a cross between Jurassic park and Star Trek. Look forward to reading more soon
hugs
kate
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
-
Thanks so much, Kate :-). I'd been very uninspired by this piccy, but then the idea hit me yesterday - last minute, of course, with the deadline tomorrow. It turned out to be a lot of fun :-).
Mike
Comment from James crofoot
That was very cool. Great plot twists in such a short story. Great characters. This is the second entry into this contest I reviewed and although very cool, you do have a bit of competition. Good luck, man. I'm serious Good luck.
I'm definitely not this good yet. Yet. :-)
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
|
That was very cool. Great plot twists in such a short story. Great characters. This is the second entry into this contest I reviewed and although very cool, you do have a bit of competition. Good luck, man. I'm serious Good luck.
I'm definitely not this good yet. Yet. :-)
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
-
It's all about just writing, my friend, and taking comments on board (usually!). I have a long way to go, but I know I'm a lot better than when I joined Fanstory.
I've read a few entries for this one and some were very good, but I do enjoy a challenge. I didn't actually think I was going to enter this one, having looked at the picture before and not had any ideas, but the spark took hold yesterday afternoon, and this is the result.
Thanks so much for the awesome review, James. It's greatly appreciated :-).
Mike
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Fleedleflump,
Excellent piece of dramatic writing, it simply begs to become a further story in which, somehow, Chancer survives and perhaps succeeds.
Gripping, enjoyable and very well written.
Good luck in the competition.
Patrick
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
|
Hi Fleedleflump,
Excellent piece of dramatic writing, it simply begs to become a further story in which, somehow, Chancer survives and perhaps succeeds.
Gripping, enjoyable and very well written.
Good luck in the competition.
Patrick
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
-
Thanks so much, Patrick :-). I was determined to leave it open like that, because the plot and characters seemed to have reached natural conclusions. Will Chancer succeed? It's looking bleak, but there's always hope ...
Thrilled you liked it, mate.
Mike
Comment from N.K. Wagner
You're a master at this, Mike. Hands down, the best entry I've read. This would make an incredible novel. Well done. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
|
You're a master at this, Mike. Hands down, the best entry I've read. This would make an incredible novel. Well done. :) Nancy
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
-
Thanks so much for the great review, Nancy :-). You've put a great big smile on my face. I wasn;t even going to enter this contest until yesterday afternoon - now I'm really glad I did!
Mike
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A GREAT CHAPTER. Enjoyed the storyline it has Good imagery and the story kept my interest to the end. The story needs no improvement and was well written. Mary
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
|
A GREAT CHAPTER. Enjoyed the storyline it has Good imagery and the story kept my interest to the end. The story needs no improvement and was well written. Mary
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
-
Thanks very much, Mary - I'm so glad you enjoyed the read :-)
Mike
Comment from Scribbler67
A brilliantly conceived, skilfully developed and well written piece of fiction. I particularly like your immediate immersion of the reader into the story with out any extraneous pre-amble. The two characters are believable and the science has authenticity.
Right, that's the good stuff out of the way. Now I'm gonna pick...or at least make what I hope will be a few helpful suggestions.
Para.1 '...comment audibly.' Audibly is redundant. If it belched, it's audible.
Para.6 Reposition 'before them' between 'bubbled' and 'like'.
'...sentinels...' How about 'unmoved witnesses'?
'...death's slow encroachment' < 'slowly encroaching Death'
Para.12 '...skills that might be helpful.' Try 'useful'.
'Between poisonous...' 'A constant battle with poisonous...had seen off eight of the party inside six weeks.' The use of 'fought' in the next para. emphasises '...battle...'
Para 20. '...dig deep enough through the sodden ground to find a doorway.'
'What (had) looked...'
The entrance they uncovered proved to be a still-funtioning airlock. Something was providing power. This shorter sentence at the end of the paragraph adds tension.
Para 25 '...stop it now anyway...' Delete 'anyway'. It's repeated further on in the same sentence.
Para 27 '...witness to nothing (in)...' Perhaps among or amidst would be better.
Para 34 '...heaved the heavy door...' Heavy is redundant. If he had to heave it, it's heavy.
Para 44 '...incontrovertible.' Great word, but would indisputible be better?
Para 45 Delete 'like' and 'was'. Insert 'being' between 'barrel' and 'brandished'. Read better?
Para 48 Some temporary confusion as to who is speaking.
Para 54. I've taken the liberty of largely re-writing this (but not in stone). "I do." With no flicker of warning he pulled the trigger. A hot spike of pain lanced deep into Chancer's stomach. Roaring with anger he threw himself forward, giving a shocked Desh no chance to fire a second shot. (Sorry if I've killed one of your darlings.)
Last sentence. Delete 'With that,...' It's anti-climactic.
Despite my going into this in some depth, overall I loved it. Please don't stick pins in my effigy!
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
|
A brilliantly conceived, skilfully developed and well written piece of fiction. I particularly like your immediate immersion of the reader into the story with out any extraneous pre-amble. The two characters are believable and the science has authenticity.
Right, that's the good stuff out of the way. Now I'm gonna pick...or at least make what I hope will be a few helpful suggestions.
Para.1 '...comment audibly.' Audibly is redundant. If it belched, it's audible.
Para.6 Reposition 'before them' between 'bubbled' and 'like'.
'...sentinels...' How about 'unmoved witnesses'?
'...death's slow encroachment' < 'slowly encroaching Death'
Para.12 '...skills that might be helpful.' Try 'useful'.
'Between poisonous...' 'A constant battle with poisonous...had seen off eight of the party inside six weeks.' The use of 'fought' in the next para. emphasises '...battle...'
Para 20. '...dig deep enough through the sodden ground to find a doorway.'
'What (had) looked...'
The entrance they uncovered proved to be a still-funtioning airlock. Something was providing power. This shorter sentence at the end of the paragraph adds tension.
Para 25 '...stop it now anyway...' Delete 'anyway'. It's repeated further on in the same sentence.
Para 27 '...witness to nothing (in)...' Perhaps among or amidst would be better.
Para 34 '...heaved the heavy door...' Heavy is redundant. If he had to heave it, it's heavy.
Para 44 '...incontrovertible.' Great word, but would indisputible be better?
Para 45 Delete 'like' and 'was'. Insert 'being' between 'barrel' and 'brandished'. Read better?
Para 48 Some temporary confusion as to who is speaking.
Para 54. I've taken the liberty of largely re-writing this (but not in stone). "I do." With no flicker of warning he pulled the trigger. A hot spike of pain lanced deep into Chancer's stomach. Roaring with anger he threw himself forward, giving a shocked Desh no chance to fire a second shot. (Sorry if I've killed one of your darlings.)
Last sentence. Delete 'With that,...' It's anti-climactic.
Despite my going into this in some depth, overall I loved it. Please don't stick pins in my effigy!
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 05-Sep-2012
-
Can you feel the burn? I'll hold you over this fire until you repent your blasphemous suggestions!
Lol, seriously, I'm in your debt. Some astute pointers and a level of genuine interest none could take offence to, I've made several changes based on your notes, and your time and effort is greatly appreciated.
This is why we're here, after all :-)
Mike
