Collision Course
two men on a desperate mission49 total reviews
Comment from Carrie Carson
So is that more or less smelly than a dark beer fart? That first sentence is structured stiffly, I think.
For me, I would start with Chancer's boot and then the smell, but that is just me. One teeny pick:
Para "He smiled, an expression that haunted...We passed that duty on to more generations than thought possible. I'm the last...?
Great story not my usual fare but I liked this one, thanks. :) Carrie
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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So is that more or less smelly than a dark beer fart? That first sentence is structured stiffly, I think.
For me, I would start with Chancer's boot and then the smell, but that is just me. One teeny pick:
Para "He smiled, an expression that haunted...We passed that duty on to more generations than thought possible. I'm the last...?
Great story not my usual fare but I liked this one, thanks. :) Carrie
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Carrie :-). Suggestions greatly appreciated, and I'm very happy you enjoyed the read.
Mike
Comment from kashmayank
This is the second chapter that I am reading and I like it the work is well structured and a plesurable read all the best for future
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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This is the second chapter that I am reading and I like it the work is well structured and a plesurable read all the best for future
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Kash. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Mike
Comment from babylonia
mike,
it works. i would see them taking all the people who are against the government ... any and all governments in the world and placing them in the thing. deliverance. sigh
nicely done. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent.
good luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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mike,
it works. i would see them taking all the people who are against the government ... any and all governments in the world and placing them in the thing. deliverance. sigh
nicely done. easy to read and follow. no spaggies. imagery is excellent.
good luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thank you, my friend :-). I could certainly see it happening - a neat way to defer guilt and still dish out terrible punishment!
Mike
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mike,
and all they would say is ... it's for our own good. sigh.
hope you are doing well.
love,
barbara
Comment from barkingdog
I always enjoy reading your sci-fi stories. This is no exception. What an adventure this was and the reveal was amazing. All those generations that Desh's family had kept the promise and it ends up with Chancer's shot to Desh's face in order to rescue the planet. WOW!
Great dialogue and a long but fast read.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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I always enjoy reading your sci-fi stories. This is no exception. What an adventure this was and the reveal was amazing. All those generations that Desh's family had kept the promise and it ends up with Chancer's shot to Desh's face in order to rescue the planet. WOW!
Great dialogue and a long but fast read.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thank you, BD :-). I wrote this in a bit of a ruch, having previously decided not to enter the contest. As often happens, all the ideas came crashing in while I was writing - it's all about getting those first two paragraphs written for me! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Mike
Comment from whispersofthesoul
hiya,
collision course is quite a piece of work, it kept my attention right the way through. the writing is consistent right the way through (no parts become loose and no parts tighten) and flow just at the right pace. The plot is great and works really well you have got the balance just right eg characters, dialogue, relationships.
good job
whispersofthesoul xx
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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hiya,
collision course is quite a piece of work, it kept my attention right the way through. the writing is consistent right the way through (no parts become loose and no parts tighten) and flow just at the right pace. The plot is great and works really well you have got the balance just right eg characters, dialogue, relationships.
good job
whispersofthesoul xx
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thanks very much, Whispers - I'm so glad you enjoyed my story :-).
Mike
Comment from Meena Jawahrani
Interesting read and plot.
Good characterisation of Chancer and Desh. Dialogues, plot, flow of the piece paint a vivid picture of the scene between 2 men.
Good luck for the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Interesting read and plot.
Good characterisation of Chancer and Desh. Dialogues, plot, flow of the piece paint a vivid picture of the scene between 2 men.
Good luck for the contest.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thank you, Meena - I'm so glad you enjoyed the read :-)
Mike
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, mike, you did a great job writing this story that incorporates the picture very well, i enjoyed reading it and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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this is very well written, mike, you did a great job writing this story that incorporates the picture very well, i enjoyed reading it and wish you the best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thanks very much, SWJ :-). I'm so glad you enjoyed reading my story.
Mike
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
Well done, my friend, and good luck with this one in the contest. It's a strong contender, in my estimation. Brilliant characterization made for a great, well-paced story, through super-compelling, intelligent, convincing dialogue.
Bravo!
cheers
js
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Well done, my friend, and good luck with this one in the contest. It's a strong contender, in my estimation. Brilliant characterization made for a great, well-paced story, through super-compelling, intelligent, convincing dialogue.
Bravo!
cheers
js
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, JS - I'm thrilled you enjoyed the read :-).
Mike
Comment from Meta~Mark
This is the story I have been waiting for laced with clever dialogue, some metaphors and a dark creepy and on your seat edge to it that I admire..
A great mix of dialogue, character descriptives and flow, very well done!
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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This is the story I have been waiting for laced with clever dialogue, some metaphors and a dark creepy and on your seat edge to it that I admire..
A great mix of dialogue, character descriptives and flow, very well done!
Comment Written 06-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thanks, Mark :-). This was a last minute effort, and those often seem to stoke my imagination's hearth. There's nothing like scifi/space opera for taking a break from one's usual writing!
Mike
Comment from Träumerin
Best I've read so far on this picture. Very complex story. Amazing they didn't all kill each other generations ago, but I guess a lot of Australians survived, so why not the Deliverance population.
Obviously this is only a beginning scene, not a complete story.
Sometimes it's a little hard to tell who you're referring to when you use "he" - a bit more use of your characters' names would help.
"A relic of the Colonisation Age, nobody knew how it worked any more." a little awkward, why should a relic or a building complex have to 'work' anyway?
"His feet ached abominably and exhaustion.." - needs a comma
"Purpose shot through him then." - a bit melodramatic.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Best I've read so far on this picture. Very complex story. Amazing they didn't all kill each other generations ago, but I guess a lot of Australians survived, so why not the Deliverance population.
Obviously this is only a beginning scene, not a complete story.
Sometimes it's a little hard to tell who you're referring to when you use "he" - a bit more use of your characters' names would help.
"A relic of the Colonisation Age, nobody knew how it worked any more." a little awkward, why should a relic or a building complex have to 'work' anyway?
"His feet ached abominably and exhaustion.." - needs a comma
"Purpose shot through him then." - a bit melodramatic.
Comment Written 05-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, Traumerin :-). I really appreciate the great review and suggestions for improvement. I'll be doing an edit run today before the deadline.
Mike
