Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Inyang Moon "Murder Mystery
42 total reviews
Comment from Rob Caudle
OK, kid, time to find an agent. This was great!!!! I have no other comments as we enter the world of spirits and shadowy figures you have me totally caught. Again I apologize for being late to the party though reading the chapters back to back has just enhanced the story and my pleasure in it. You really have a good one working her well done truly find an agent.
Rob
Rob
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2012
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OK, kid, time to find an agent. This was great!!!! I have no other comments as we enter the world of spirits and shadowy figures you have me totally caught. Again I apologize for being late to the party though reading the chapters back to back has just enhanced the story and my pleasure in it. You really have a good one working her well done truly find an agent.
Rob
Rob
Comment Written 23-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2012
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Hiya, Rob. Thank you seems an inadequate word for your supportive review. Hope you know how much I appreciate it!
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Healthyheartpoet
Mysterious drama, building a lot of anticipation for more. Who was the lone figure sitting in the room? Could it be the murderer himself? How could he disappear into thin air? These questions confronted both Derek and father Brian, and demanded an answer. The urgency and danger presents itself for a great story
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2012
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Mysterious drama, building a lot of anticipation for more. Who was the lone figure sitting in the room? Could it be the murderer himself? How could he disappear into thin air? These questions confronted both Derek and father Brian, and demanded an answer. The urgency and danger presents itself for a great story
Comment Written 19-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2012
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Hello, my friend. Thank you for taking time to read my latest chapter. I sure appreciate it! And I appreciate your excellent and generous review. Warmest regards, Bev
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You are welcome Bev, I have posted a humorus song entitled ' aliens are coming ' Give it a read and tell me if it made you laugh. Thanks
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Hey, that sounds great. I will!
Comment from donaldww
This story is well written and compelling from start to finish. I like the idea of having a priest involved in a story like this. It's intriguing to wonder if he had anything to do with a crime (I haven't read previous chapters) given our automatic assumption that a priest is beyond reproach. I also liked that Alyx is a Sheltie. I used to have one. He was a wonderful dog, elegant in both look and stride.
And the end of this instalment is super. The mystery man sitting by the fire . . . perfect. I have to read the next section now!
I noticed some small things for you to check:
Leaning closer to the flames, he inhaled through his nose and jerked upright when he recognized the distinct smell of sage. [Do you need 'through his nose'?]
...was at the door, that[then?] Brian heard the chime of the doorbell.
Derek noted the fact Father Brian dodged eye contact and offered non[no?] explanation.
For me, this is great writing. Why? Because I want to turn the page to find out what happens next!
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2012
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This story is well written and compelling from start to finish. I like the idea of having a priest involved in a story like this. It's intriguing to wonder if he had anything to do with a crime (I haven't read previous chapters) given our automatic assumption that a priest is beyond reproach. I also liked that Alyx is a Sheltie. I used to have one. He was a wonderful dog, elegant in both look and stride.
And the end of this instalment is super. The mystery man sitting by the fire . . . perfect. I have to read the next section now!
I noticed some small things for you to check:
Leaning closer to the flames, he inhaled through his nose and jerked upright when he recognized the distinct smell of sage. [Do you need 'through his nose'?]
...was at the door, that[then?] Brian heard the chime of the doorbell.
Derek noted the fact Father Brian dodged eye contact and offered non[no?] explanation.
For me, this is great writing. Why? Because I want to turn the page to find out what happens next!
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 19-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2012
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Hi, Donald. I'm extremely honored by this very generous review. Thank you much for choosing to read my chapter, and for your excellent insights. Also appreciate the sharp eye for SPAG's. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from dhee khaye
You made my imagination rocks. Great story! You narrate it well, it is well understood. The photo that you put can catch more reader's attention. Keep writing good story. God Bless.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2012
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You made my imagination rocks. Great story! You narrate it well, it is well understood. The photo that you put can catch more reader's attention. Keep writing good story. God Bless.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2012
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Thank you!
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. Great job here. I'm sorry I haven't kept up as well as I should have, but this chapter stands on its own. Your descriptions and images are very good indeed. Perhaps more dialogue would be the only thing lacking...if Anything at all. Bravo! Bob
ps. I know you were following my book for awhile, I just posted the last chapter if you have time.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2012
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Hi, Bev. Great job here. I'm sorry I haven't kept up as well as I should have, but this chapter stands on its own. Your descriptions and images are very good indeed. Perhaps more dialogue would be the only thing lacking...if Anything at all. Bravo! Bob
ps. I know you were following my book for awhile, I just posted the last chapter if you have time.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2012
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Hi, Bob. Thank you so much for your great review. I will be sure to check out your posting ... has it been picked up for publication yet? It certainly is deserving of a wider audience.
Thank you for taking time read, Bob, and for sharing your professional insights. I appreciate it.
Warm regards, Bev
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LOL...Not a pro, Bev...just a struggler like everyone else. :) Thanks so much though. Bob
Comment from Cleo Belle
Really scary and powerful. I am not a lover of such horror stories - even mild ones - but yours kept me longing to read the next bit. I also enjoyed your descriptions 'ears like two tiny sails' etc really made me 'see' the scene. Well done.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2012
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Really scary and powerful. I am not a lover of such horror stories - even mild ones - but yours kept me longing to read the next bit. I also enjoyed your descriptions 'ears like two tiny sails' etc really made me 'see' the scene. Well done.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2012
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Hi, Cleo. What a lovely review! I really appreciate you taking a chance on reading my story chapter. Thank you, also, for sharing your insights. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hey there Writing
this chapter is good, chilling and full of intrigue. I like the relationship with the dog and the sheriff. You leave us in suspense as to who the heck is the cloaked figure
Bear
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2012
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Hey there Writing
this chapter is good, chilling and full of intrigue. I like the relationship with the dog and the sheriff. You leave us in suspense as to who the heck is the cloaked figure
Bear
Comment Written 18-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2012
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Hi, Bear. Thank you so much for your great review! I appreciate you taking time to read and comment. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
Oh, forces of evil are so scary to those who believe. As a child, my Catholic, French-Acadian grandmother would scare the be-jezus out of us with tales of the devil's nightly roaming, looking for souls. I figured she was old and wise and must be telling the truth. LOL! Gave me nightmares for years.
"Derek noted the fact Father Brian dodged eye contact ...This better not be..." You switched POV here, Bev. Up to there, Father Brian was telling the story from his perspective. Here, you're in Derek's head, showing us his thoughts. So - a change of POV.
Interesting twist in your story, Bev. Of course you have to believe in such things to view it as horrific. I stopped believing in evil as an entity after my grandmere passed on. Come to think of it, the old girl was a little bent, telling such nightmarish tales to a child.
I'm enjoying your story, Bev. Well done, girl.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2012
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Oh, forces of evil are so scary to those who believe. As a child, my Catholic, French-Acadian grandmother would scare the be-jezus out of us with tales of the devil's nightly roaming, looking for souls. I figured she was old and wise and must be telling the truth. LOL! Gave me nightmares for years.
"Derek noted the fact Father Brian dodged eye contact ...This better not be..." You switched POV here, Bev. Up to there, Father Brian was telling the story from his perspective. Here, you're in Derek's head, showing us his thoughts. So - a change of POV.
Interesting twist in your story, Bev. Of course you have to believe in such things to view it as horrific. I stopped believing in evil as an entity after my grandmere passed on. Come to think of it, the old girl was a little bent, telling such nightmarish tales to a child.
I'm enjoying your story, Bev. Well done, girl.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2012
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Hi, Adrienne. I've had some interesting 'encounters' as I've been writing these posts. So, I'm not sure if you gradmere was all that 'bent' LOL.
Thanks for always pointing out to me my POV issue. You were the only one to catch it. And thank you for reading along and reviewing so kindly, my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from felicia_tung
Wow! That is good. You gave me the chills. I realized pretty quickly that I was so engrossed in the story that I was not reading with a critical eye, so I had to back up and start over. I like it all.
My one suggestion would be this sentence: "Medicine man, Tony Buday, had explained to his friend the Sioux...."
I had to read it then kick it around before I realized that you meant: "Medicine man, Tony Buday, had explained THAT to his friend the Sioux...."
You might want to add the word "that" because "explained to" has an entirely different meaning. The word "to" serves too many functions in English.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2012
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Wow! That is good. You gave me the chills. I realized pretty quickly that I was so engrossed in the story that I was not reading with a critical eye, so I had to back up and start over. I like it all.
My one suggestion would be this sentence: "Medicine man, Tony Buday, had explained to his friend the Sioux...."
I had to read it then kick it around before I realized that you meant: "Medicine man, Tony Buday, had explained THAT to his friend the Sioux...."
You might want to add the word "that" because "explained to" has an entirely different meaning. The word "to" serves too many functions in English.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2012
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Hi, felicia. Thank you so much for this awesome review. I once was taken to task for using 'that' too much, so I think I've blocked out its appropriate uses LOL. I will change as what you say makes perfect sense. I really apprecite you choosing to read! Warm regards, Bev
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Bev,
That is SO funny about the word "that." In a former life, I wrote technology books (under a different name). I had a horrible, boring book of 320 pages I had to write. The editor would not allow me to use the word "that" once in the book. No kidding. I wanted to kill her. I sent her a plant to thank her when it was done. I hope the plant died!
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Thanks for sharing your great story, felicia. The lady with the issue is a elementary school teacher. I hope your editor's plant died, too! hehehe
Comment from Tina55
You know, this is what I like about third person writing...I can know what the dog is thinking, real time with the humans. I'm not locked into one character at a time. I should try writing in third person more often. For me, it doesn't feel as personal. Not that I find reading third person pov impersonal, not at all. More that I don't find I can get connected to the story as deeply when writing in third person, not like I can in first person. How do you feel about it?
Well, thinking of a Sheltie's gait as seductive has never crossed my mind until now. And then, to think that he is thinking it's seductive...inticing his owner's attention...that's just clever. :)
Dogs are so obedient, at times. I wish kids were more like that. lol
I like how you use the sage to bring the spiritual side.
Though he could not see the man's features, Brian was certain a connection had been forged through superhuman means. (Superhuman...or supernatural?)
Nice insights into the effects on the priest of walking on the dark side. I've experienced a touch of that in the past...not that I'm a priest.
Nice suspense and supernatural moments when the sheriff shows up, Bev.
Very nicely done!
Keep up the good work...
Tina
xx
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2012
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You know, this is what I like about third person writing...I can know what the dog is thinking, real time with the humans. I'm not locked into one character at a time. I should try writing in third person more often. For me, it doesn't feel as personal. Not that I find reading third person pov impersonal, not at all. More that I don't find I can get connected to the story as deeply when writing in third person, not like I can in first person. How do you feel about it?
Well, thinking of a Sheltie's gait as seductive has never crossed my mind until now. And then, to think that he is thinking it's seductive...inticing his owner's attention...that's just clever. :)
Dogs are so obedient, at times. I wish kids were more like that. lol
I like how you use the sage to bring the spiritual side.
Though he could not see the man's features, Brian was certain a connection had been forged through superhuman means. (Superhuman...or supernatural?)
Nice insights into the effects on the priest of walking on the dark side. I've experienced a touch of that in the past...not that I'm a priest.
Nice suspense and supernatural moments when the sheriff shows up, Bev.
Very nicely done!
Keep up the good work...
Tina
xx
Comment Written 17-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2012
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Hi, Tina. Thank you so much for your encouragement and support for my chapter. I always adore getting your insights. And I do think that first person is preferable to third person for that intimate connection. I'm so new at this whole game, that I'm not quite comfortable at giving the FP a real go. Have lots to learn about POV. In fact, I may take a site class on it. It all gets a bit formidable for me. You, my friend, do it brilliantly!
I think I really did mean supernatural. Thanks for noticing!
Awesome review from a writer I totally respect.
Love ya, Bev
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Don't be afraid to jump in head first, Bev.
:)
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Thanks, Tina. I've got a few ideas for down the road ... my approach may be different next time. XXX Bev
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BTW...I love your new profile picture! Great atmosphere!! :)
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Thanks, Tina. Just did that today. I live surrounded by trees, so it made sense. XXXoooXo Bev
