Hedgerow Tales
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Our Posh New Den"Book 3 in the Hedgerow Series
30 total reviews
Comment from ramfire
My heart is so light when I read your verses. The background color made the writing a little hard for me to read though. Maybe a simple white background could have helped me. Your couplets in each Sestet work well together.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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My heart is so light when I read your verses. The background color made the writing a little hard for me to read though. Maybe a simple white background could have helped me. Your couplets in each Sestet work well together.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Thank you ramfire for your lovely review. I do try to get the colour right, but sometimes it fails. The green is to signify the woods where they went to see their new den. This is the start of the third book in the series, the first one will be in the shops and on Amazon next month. Thank you again, I am so pleased you enjoyed it! xsx
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Yes, the green color is the right color for your story. How will your Amazon book be listed
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It is called 'Hedgerow Capers' in the childrens' section. Because I wrote it on here, they will hopefully advertise it for me. But Amazon will advertise it as well. It's very exciting! This site has taught me loads, I wouldn't have got this far without the constructive advice they have all given me. It can happen to anyone, that's the nice thing about it.
Comment from adewpearl
I'm so glad to see my Hedgerow friends return :-)
And they are back with their delightfully alliterative names :-)
strong rhyming couplets and excellent cadence, great for reading aloud
as always, great character development and use of dialogue
many long years ago my stepmother taught me that posh means portside out starboard home and I've loved the word ever since :-) Thanks for that lovely memory, Brooke
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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I'm so glad to see my Hedgerow friends return :-)
And they are back with their delightfully alliterative names :-)
strong rhyming couplets and excellent cadence, great for reading aloud
as always, great character development and use of dialogue
many long years ago my stepmother taught me that posh means portside out starboard home and I've loved the word ever since :-) Thanks for that lovely memory, Brooke
Comment Written 15-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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I didn't know that, Brooke, but I will definitely remember it though. Thank you for your lovely review, I'm really pleased you like my little friends. The first book comes out end of next month and I am so nervous. I feel like a kid handing in my homework and keeping my fingers crossed it gets a good mark! Stupid at my age. If it flops, it flops! Move on. Right, now I've landed you with my fears, I shall go and have a glass of wine. 6:30 pm here, so it's OK! Thank you Brooke, sorry to have rambled! xsx
Comment from donaldww
I haven't read about weasels and mice for quite a few years, so enjoyed this poem as a kind of nostalgia.
The only thing I noticed was the apostrophe in this line. My take was the two boys shared the upstairs bedroom, therefore should be boys'.
Whiffy went up to the boy's bedroom door.
Excellent poem!
DW
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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I haven't read about weasels and mice for quite a few years, so enjoyed this poem as a kind of nostalgia.
The only thing I noticed was the apostrophe in this line. My take was the two boys shared the upstairs bedroom, therefore should be boys'.
Whiffy went up to the boy's bedroom door.
Excellent poem!
DW
Comment Written 15-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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OH thank you, DW, I hadn't noticed that and nor had anyone else. I will certainly get that changed. This is the start of the third book of mice and their friends, first one will be in the shops end of next month, and hopefully the publishers will be pleased with the response and take the second one on! And I am so nervous! I am glad you enjoyed it, it's very encouraging! Thank you for spotting the error, and for the lovely review. I am very grateful. xsx
Comment from ennahanid
I gave my last 6 away earlier and I don't regret it but do wish I had one for this. I absolutely loved this and even felt a little dampening of cheek here as Whiffy was such a sad little chappy and now he is SO one of the friends---I loved that. You make these little critters real - Dinah
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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I gave my last 6 away earlier and I don't regret it but do wish I had one for this. I absolutely loved this and even felt a little dampening of cheek here as Whiffy was such a sad little chappy and now he is SO one of the friends---I loved that. You make these little critters real - Dinah
Comment Written 15-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Oh, Dinah, your words are worth the 6, easily. It is funny how everyone loves Whiffy! I will have to keep him in the stories now, or I might be strung up! Thank you for this lovely review, you do make my day with your comments! xsx Sandra.
Comment from visionary1234
I wouldn't change a thing Sandra! this is totally delightful and I can visualize myself curled up with a couple of grand-kids reading this aloud, with their wide, fascinated eyes! Truly beautiful! Have to give it a '6'!
Best wishes,
Sharyn
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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I wouldn't change a thing Sandra! this is totally delightful and I can visualize myself curled up with a couple of grand-kids reading this aloud, with their wide, fascinated eyes! Truly beautiful! Have to give it a '6'!
Best wishes,
Sharyn
Comment Written 15-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Thank you so very much for this lovely review, Sharyn, and for warding it with all those 6 stars! I am really pleased you enjoyed it, thank you! xsx Sandra.
Comment from DianeLWood
What great names, Whiffy the Weasel and Cyril the Squirrel. A delightful children's story Sandra. Has good consistent rhyming and flow. No suggestions for change. I think it's great as it is. Beautiful illustration. Cheers, Diane.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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What great names, Whiffy the Weasel and Cyril the Squirrel. A delightful children's story Sandra. Has good consistent rhyming and flow. No suggestions for change. I think it's great as it is. Beautiful illustration. Cheers, Diane.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Thank you, Diane, for this really lovely review! I am so pleased you enjoyed my story, thank you! xsx
Comment from rushingwater
Whiffy the Weasel walked down Hedgerow Lane,
then stopped...turned round...then went back again.
He was feeling quite nervous, what should he do?
Are they really my friends, he thought...is it really true?(could this be true?)
He took a deep breath, then turned round once more,
walked down the lane and straight up to the door.(and straight to the door?)
He timidly knocked, and the door opened wide,
Daddy Mouse smiled and said, "Come on inside.
They are all upstairs waiting; they said you'd be here."
Then added kindly, understanding his fear,
"Timmy and Tommy are so pleased you agreed,
to help find a den...you're just what they need!"
Feeling much happier than he felt before,
Whiffy went up to the boy's bedroom door.
With another deep breath, he knocked and went in,
and was oh so pleased when they all turned and grinned!( i would drop "oh" in this and replace "when with as)
"Hello, Whiffy! Come and sit over here,
we are trying to think of a brilliant idea."(your rhyme breaks here and hinders the flow)
Timmy moved over and Whiffy sat down.
"We need an idea for our den," Tommy frowned.
"We want one that's near, or not too far away,(drop or?)
big enough for us all to meet up in and play." (a place for us all)
"We've thought and we've thought," Vicky said with sigh,
"But nothing sounds right...Would you like to try?"
Whiffy looked down as he tried hard to think,
then he suddenly clapped, making everyone blink!
"I'll show you a place, it's high and it's wide, (spot because of the use of place in earlier stanza)
it's where I used to go when I needed to hide..."
Whiffy stopped speaking, his face turned quite green.
"Why did you hide?" they asked, "What do you mean?"
Poor Whiffy looked up; he knew he'd have to say,(knowing what he would say)
"I was frightened of you, when you came out to play.
I was on my own, because, no one liked me, (not sure I would put the coma's before and after because)
so I used to hide...where you couldn't see."
Cyril the Squirrel said, "It's sad...but it's true,
we didn't take the time to get to know you." (I would again drop the before time)
Vicky said, "We're sorry!" Then taking his hand,
"We listened to others, and did not understand.
But now we are friends, you need never hide
when you see us, you must come on outside."
"Now we're best friends!" declared Reggie the Rat,
with his big cheeky grin, "Well now, fancy that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whiffy the Weasel led them through the wood,
to a place where the biggest of all the trees stood.
The tree was so wide, and so very high,
it looked as it was touching the sky!(I would add "though" after as)
While they were staring, Whiffy walked round the tree,
then just disappeared! Now where can he be?
"Whiffy! Where are you?" They all called his name,( again I would lose all)
"What are you doing? Are you playing a game?"
Then suddenly they heard him, laughing away,
"I'm here! Can't you see me? Come in and play."
Then he was there, he stepped out of the tree! (there he was as stepped out of the tree)
"Wow!" shouted Reggie, "can we come in and see?" (can we come and see)
They all followed Whiffy, through a crack in the bark,
that opened inside, yet wasn't that dark.
"This is my hidey hole; it makes a good den.
It can be yours too...if I can come now and then."(consider revision. I can suggest, It can be yours too, we can share it my friend. Not sure)
The friends were amazed, "Are you sure you don't mind?"
And Millie just hugged him, "You really are kind!"
Their new den was perfect, they'd make it look good,
clean it and sweep it as much as they could. (cleaned it and swept it)
And Millie said, "I'll bring a rug for the floor,
I have one at home I don't use any more."
Off they all went to get dusters and brooms,
to set about making the nicest of rooms.
It didn't take long, it was soon nice and clean,
leaving them with the best den they had seen. (leaving with the best den they'd seen)
After laying the rug down on the clean floor,
Millie said, "Now we want a sign for the door."
"What a good idea," said Tommy...and then, (What a good plan)
"How about calling it - Our Posh New Den!"
Hi Sandra I am no expert that is for sure so what might seem right to some might not to others. I really tried to lend some help but of course it is all up to you. My main focus was trying to help the rhythm. I have a philosophy "eat the meat and spit out the bones. LOL I really enjoyed this as it was fun and children will absolutely love it!
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
|
Whiffy the Weasel walked down Hedgerow Lane,
then stopped...turned round...then went back again.
He was feeling quite nervous, what should he do?
Are they really my friends, he thought...is it really true?(could this be true?)
He took a deep breath, then turned round once more,
walked down the lane and straight up to the door.(and straight to the door?)
He timidly knocked, and the door opened wide,
Daddy Mouse smiled and said, "Come on inside.
They are all upstairs waiting; they said you'd be here."
Then added kindly, understanding his fear,
"Timmy and Tommy are so pleased you agreed,
to help find a den...you're just what they need!"
Feeling much happier than he felt before,
Whiffy went up to the boy's bedroom door.
With another deep breath, he knocked and went in,
and was oh so pleased when they all turned and grinned!( i would drop "oh" in this and replace "when with as)
"Hello, Whiffy! Come and sit over here,
we are trying to think of a brilliant idea."(your rhyme breaks here and hinders the flow)
Timmy moved over and Whiffy sat down.
"We need an idea for our den," Tommy frowned.
"We want one that's near, or not too far away,(drop or?)
big enough for us all to meet up in and play." (a place for us all)
"We've thought and we've thought," Vicky said with sigh,
"But nothing sounds right...Would you like to try?"
Whiffy looked down as he tried hard to think,
then he suddenly clapped, making everyone blink!
"I'll show you a place, it's high and it's wide, (spot because of the use of place in earlier stanza)
it's where I used to go when I needed to hide..."
Whiffy stopped speaking, his face turned quite green.
"Why did you hide?" they asked, "What do you mean?"
Poor Whiffy looked up; he knew he'd have to say,(knowing what he would say)
"I was frightened of you, when you came out to play.
I was on my own, because, no one liked me, (not sure I would put the coma's before and after because)
so I used to hide...where you couldn't see."
Cyril the Squirrel said, "It's sad...but it's true,
we didn't take the time to get to know you." (I would again drop the before time)
Vicky said, "We're sorry!" Then taking his hand,
"We listened to others, and did not understand.
But now we are friends, you need never hide
when you see us, you must come on outside."
"Now we're best friends!" declared Reggie the Rat,
with his big cheeky grin, "Well now, fancy that!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Whiffy the Weasel led them through the wood,
to a place where the biggest of all the trees stood.
The tree was so wide, and so very high,
it looked as it was touching the sky!(I would add "though" after as)
While they were staring, Whiffy walked round the tree,
then just disappeared! Now where can he be?
"Whiffy! Where are you?" They all called his name,( again I would lose all)
"What are you doing? Are you playing a game?"
Then suddenly they heard him, laughing away,
"I'm here! Can't you see me? Come in and play."
Then he was there, he stepped out of the tree! (there he was as stepped out of the tree)
"Wow!" shouted Reggie, "can we come in and see?" (can we come and see)
They all followed Whiffy, through a crack in the bark,
that opened inside, yet wasn't that dark.
"This is my hidey hole; it makes a good den.
It can be yours too...if I can come now and then."(consider revision. I can suggest, It can be yours too, we can share it my friend. Not sure)
The friends were amazed, "Are you sure you don't mind?"
And Millie just hugged him, "You really are kind!"
Their new den was perfect, they'd make it look good,
clean it and sweep it as much as they could. (cleaned it and swept it)
And Millie said, "I'll bring a rug for the floor,
I have one at home I don't use any more."
Off they all went to get dusters and brooms,
to set about making the nicest of rooms.
It didn't take long, it was soon nice and clean,
leaving them with the best den they had seen. (leaving with the best den they'd seen)
After laying the rug down on the clean floor,
Millie said, "Now we want a sign for the door."
"What a good idea," said Tommy...and then, (What a good plan)
"How about calling it - Our Posh New Den!"
Hi Sandra I am no expert that is for sure so what might seem right to some might not to others. I really tried to lend some help but of course it is all up to you. My main focus was trying to help the rhythm. I have a philosophy "eat the meat and spit out the bones. LOL I really enjoyed this as it was fun and children will absolutely love it!
Comment Written 14-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Thank you, rushingwater, for all these good suggestions! There are some I am definitely going to use, and the others I am going to toss around in my head then test them out verbally. I am so grateful to you for taking the time to do this for me, it means a lot, thank you. I never understand how people reject out of hand any really good constructive criticism, it can only help improve the writers ability to write better. Thank you again, so very much for the help and for the lovely review! xsx
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Hi Sandy I want you to know that I would never ever criticize I think you did a great job. Yours is the first I have ever taken the time to break down, for me it was a challenge too. A lot of people just troll to collect member dollars. I have been guilty of that in the past. If it wasn't for people tearing my stuff apart to show me how or suggest I would never have grown. Most certainly go with your gut instinct that is what I do when given some great advise. I wish you only success as you move forward and it is an absolute pleasure getting know those with like minds. Keep up the wonderful work.
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I used to offer advice, but stopped when I was almost told to mind my own business. It is difficut, so I only offer advice if someone really wants it. I thought this was what this site was about! I will always appreciate the help you give. It's a long time since anyone has called me Sandy, my grandfather always did, it put a smile on my face, you transported me back to a very happy childhood! xsx
Comment from kra-z-ka-z
LOVING IT!! Everything I've about these little critters has just fancied my tail!! They are just the cutest sweetiepies!
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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LOVING IT!! Everything I've about these little critters has just fancied my tail!! They are just the cutest sweetiepies!
Comment Written 14-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Oh, thank you so much kra-z-ka-z. What a wonderful review!! I am so pleased you enjoyed this one too, thank you! xxsx
Comment from Meta~Mark
Whiffy is quite a character here in his lil old hidey hole, so adorable is this millie and all the rest in another delightful story..no spelling flow or erros- good to go
EXCELLENT!
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Whiffy is quite a character here in his lil old hidey hole, so adorable is this millie and all the rest in another delightful story..no spelling flow or erros- good to go
EXCELLENT!
Comment Written 14-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Thank you so very much, Mark! I am so pleased you enjoyed it, thank you for the lovely review! Sandra. xsx
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I will give you the best of send offs.This is very well written like all your Hedge Row Capers.
I have spent the entire day reading a Western book "Mr Green" is writing. He has 18 chapters and it is very good. You and your hubby will like it a lot. He has trouble with punctuation too.He has not had much recognition. I guess westerns just aren't that popular. Hugs Nancy
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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I will give you the best of send offs.This is very well written like all your Hedge Row Capers.
I have spent the entire day reading a Western book "Mr Green" is writing. He has 18 chapters and it is very good. You and your hubby will like it a lot. He has trouble with punctuation too.He has not had much recognition. I guess westerns just aren't that popular. Hugs Nancy
Comment Written 14-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2012
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Hi, Nancy! Thank you for the lovely review and for the lovely 6 stars! You are such a love! That Western Book, is Mr Green on Fanstory? I will try to find him if he is. I wouldn't worry too much about how many like westerns, there is still a big market out there, or publishers would not be bothered. It's like this Hedgerow stories of mine, I have my regular readers, (which of course includes you, my friend) those who have children and/or grandchildren, but others will look and children's poetry is not their scene. I can understand that. But the ones who do follow my stories come back time after time, and you would find that with the westerns. If I were you, I'd give it another go, let people know you are really into them and you will be surprised how many will stay with you, there are some really nice people on here, and they will help you as well. I have so much help already on this one, two have actually cut and pasted this story and put suggestion beside it to show me where it could be improved, then it's up to me if I use them or not. I must say the suggestions so far have been really constructive, and that is what I asked for. Give it another go! Thank you again for the lovely review and 6 stars you gave me! Sandra. xsx
