Comment from kiwigirl2821

Excellent

Hi Mike,

Like the descriptive text that brings your reader into the scene. "... a plush green forest like a baby to it's mother". You are using reference points that a reader can identify with.

Loved the way your wrote of how Aaran sees his wife.

Also how you make him feel about his daughter and that little scamp Xenny...lol only a sister hey?

A wonderful chapter and I love how the flow of this one is going. Great stuff Mike. xoxo deborah

 Comment Written 02-Oct-2012

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reply by the author on 03-Oct-2012

Thank you, my friend :-)

I'm really enjoying revisiting this old friend of a story. I've had a short break from it while but will have to get back to it. I appreciate the encouragement!

Mike

Comment from Rasp E

Exceptional

I like that the river is named Plaid. Clever.

Great characterization and description throughout.

How about we don't describe the water as dirty...lol. It muddies up the point of the image - literally...all I can think about is that it's dirty. Water from an unplugged bath is sufficient. :)

Really great characterization, actually.

I love this chapter. Highest marks. :)

E

 Comment Written 04-Sep-2012

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reply by the author on 04-Sep-2012

Thanks so much for that yellow plus! I've added masses to this section, but I always liked the Cartwright family scenes, even in the original. I may have to expand upon them a little more.

You're about to meet the rest of the characters!

Mike

Comment from WLHall

Excellent

Mike, it's great to see you are writing a story or novel in this case. Of course I love your poetry, but to see prose from you is great! I need to back up and read the beginning of the story to catch up on what is happening, but sounds like you have something good going here. I enjoyed the read; you have a natural knack for details in describing the moods, characters and the setting. I only saw a comma that shouldn't be there: where the mother says to Sarah ..."and I think even they(,) realise. Good job!

Wanda

 Comment Written 04-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 05-Aug-2012

Thanks so much, Wanda :-). I'm so glad to see your name here. I hope you get the chance to catch up. Your eagle editing eye is greatly appreciated, as is your wonderful support.

Mike

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

I have been on vacation and I think I have missed your first chapter. I will try to go back and get caught up. I enjoyed reading this chapter.

 Comment Written 04-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012

Thank you, Barbara - I really appreciate your support. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter and I hope you had a great vacation. :-)

Mike

Comment from Hitcher

Excellent

Nice chapter Mike, you introduced a few new characters, gave us a glimpse of their personalities and offered up a troubling situation which may or may not be pivotal to their lives and the story... I thought you handled it well mate.

 Comment Written 04-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012

This is me, dude. Everything's pivotal :-). Really glad you enjoyed it mate. I have trouble at times with the more talky chapters, trying to keep them as interesting as the action. More coming very soon!

Mike

Comment from N.K. Wagner

Excellent

Excellent, Mike. Your characters are wonderful, as always. Even the one we haven't met yet. Two things to look at:

woman who completely his picture - completed

it sounded like a steel jail booming shut- door?

I can't wait for this to start coming together. :) nancy

 Comment Written 02-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 03-Aug-2012

Thanks for the catches, Nancy - all duly fixed. I always manage to miss a few! I'm glad you enjoyed this one, as it's a slower pace than the others. The original version of chapter one is 20,000 words, so I've had to really think about where I place the breaks in this rewrite.

Mike

Comment from James crofoot

Excellent

Cool, dude cool. I love the attention to detail. You're doing a really good job of setting up the background in this story. The characters are developing really nicely and the little history here is great.

One thing that caught my eye - He saw the woman that 'completely' his picture...- did you mean 'completed'?

Ok, good stuff, think I'm gonna study your little writings. Really like this story, so hard to find good fantasy.

 Comment Written 02-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 02-Aug-2012

Thanks, James :-) I appreciate the typo catch there - I always manage to miss a couple of things! We're into the meat of the characters now. Let me know if I ever get too detailed and slow things down too much. I like description and background in my fantasy, so I pack in as much as I can!

So great to have you on board, my friend :-).

Mike

Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran

Excellent

A good write and lively story, and good imagery. I enjoyed reading your story and found no need to change any of it. Don't you think kids always ask questions at the most awkward times. A good read. Mary

 Comment Written 01-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 03-Aug-2012

Thank you, Mary. Writing the family scenes is most difficult for me as I'm most at home with a siege or confrontation, so it's good to now I got things right.

Mike

Comment from Sasha

Excellent

Excellent chapter with your usual awesome attention to detail. Terrific imagery and superb ending..."Life isn't supposed to be fair, Life just is." I enjoyed this very much and I anxiously look forward to the next chapter.

 Comment Written 01-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 03-Aug-2012

Thank you :-) . I like writing these little family scenes because it's not my usual thing so it makes more of a challenge. Of course, I have to get back to the fighting pretty quick!

Mike

Comment from TammyGail

Excellent

Excellent work crafting this chapter Mike
it was well written and expressed like always
and your closing, that last line was so very well
placed it made for a perfect stopping point
thanks for sharing

"Life isn't supposed to be fair, Sarah," replied her mother. "Life just is."

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 01-Aug-2012

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reply by the author on 03-Aug-2012

Thank you, Tammy :-) . Finding stopping points is my biggest challenge because the original was written with barely any. Another reason it was better to fully rewrite. So glad you liked it!

Mike