Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Owaka Moon, Pt. 2"Murder Mystery
43 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
He drained the remnants of a soft drink then squeezed the aluminum can between his fingers watching the veins of his hand swell with the sudden influx of blood. Dropping the mauled object into a trash can, he turned to find an emptied hallway.[This is a fantastic description. I see his tension and actually his feeling of isolated responsibility in solving this case. This is an example of how you bring more to your description that just he surface. They reach beyond and into the character.)
The wolf pack ready to pounce on the perp is a good visual, but to make the perp a new-born lamb feels a bit off. Wolves/coyotes eat rotten carcuses. You may be able to work around that to give a better metaphore. The perp is no lamb. maybe a prarie dog(hide in hole, carry rabies and a plague so I hear)
I'm still on five star rations for you. This should be six, so very sorry, Bev.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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He drained the remnants of a soft drink then squeezed the aluminum can between his fingers watching the veins of his hand swell with the sudden influx of blood. Dropping the mauled object into a trash can, he turned to find an emptied hallway.[This is a fantastic description. I see his tension and actually his feeling of isolated responsibility in solving this case. This is an example of how you bring more to your description that just he surface. They reach beyond and into the character.)
The wolf pack ready to pounce on the perp is a good visual, but to make the perp a new-born lamb feels a bit off. Wolves/coyotes eat rotten carcuses. You may be able to work around that to give a better metaphore. The perp is no lamb. maybe a prarie dog(hide in hole, carry rabies and a plague so I hear)
I'm still on five star rations for you. This should be six, so very sorry, Bev.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Hey, Ellen, I just appreciate your invaluable help with my chapter. That metaphor will be looked at for a better way to put it. Thank you! I always appreciate your insights and support, my friend. Warmest regards, Bev
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When I was in CA on a visit years ago, I heard the coyotes attacking anything that ventured out of the community. Terrible sounds. Lots of cats never come home. What kind of animal does the perp remind you of?
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Hmm... have to think about that one. For now, I've changed it to a simple carcass. Thanks, Ellen!
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carcass sounds fine. It's certainly dead meat(which he will be by the end of the story. LOL)
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I read that because wolves and coyote eat dead meat, they taste and smell so bad that no one eats them. They along with bear and one other,I forget, are the only game that the hunting laws allow left lay. No harvesting expected. All other game is supposed to be harvested.
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That's pretty interesting, Ellen. I do recall that the Rangers at Yellowstone did say that young buffalo can be at risk from a pack of wolves. And, of course, diseased animals are also a target. See you've posted another chapter. I'll be sure to read it later today. You're on a roll!! hehehe
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi writingfundimension,
Forty-eight hours may well be optimal, but sometimes it takes a lot longer if done thoroughly and scientifically. I've worked on a couple that took months, but not as a policeman, as an expert called in to fill in gaps. As the lead officer told me on one, the key is the management of the evidence. Do that right and eventually all the pieces will fit.
Good build up of the tension in your story, it draws the reader in and the hook on the end of this chapter is definitely baited for shark!
Patrick
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Hi writingfundimension,
Forty-eight hours may well be optimal, but sometimes it takes a lot longer if done thoroughly and scientifically. I've worked on a couple that took months, but not as a policeman, as an expert called in to fill in gaps. As the lead officer told me on one, the key is the management of the evidence. Do that right and eventually all the pieces will fit.
Good build up of the tension in your story, it draws the reader in and the hook on the end of this chapter is definitely baited for shark!
Patrick
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Oh, I agree with you Patrick. The important thing, here, is that the detectives are trying to do just what you describe: Set up a solid case that makes it to trial. Thanks for the great review and personal insights. Bev
Comment from c_lucas
I've always been against confidentiality when a violator confesses guilt of a crime. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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I've always been against confidentiality when a violator confesses guilt of a crime. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thank you, charlie.
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from Rob Caudle
Hey, Bev, another great piece of fiction here. I almost did not review it as I have no more sixes to give you. This was enthralling from beginning to end. The note was the perfect hook. Loved cockroach in a dark corner as well as the coyote line. All and all this was the kind of book I would spend my hard earned cash on. I am so glad I get to read it and then be the first in line to by my own copy, so I can tell my friends, hey, I know the author. Well done my friend.
Rob
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Hey, Bev, another great piece of fiction here. I almost did not review it as I have no more sixes to give you. This was enthralling from beginning to end. The note was the perfect hook. Loved cockroach in a dark corner as well as the coyote line. All and all this was the kind of book I would spend my hard earned cash on. I am so glad I get to read it and then be the first in line to by my own copy, so I can tell my friends, hey, I know the author. Well done my friend.
Rob
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Oh, Rob, you are such a sweet guy. I'm just thrilled to know that you are enjoying the story! That means more than any extra star. It's the kind of generous spirit of writer like you that make me want to continue to write and improve. You are truly cherished, my friend. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
This leaves us wondering how Father Brian knows there's going to be another killing VERY SOON. The list doesn't help that much. The killer must be someone who knows the people living there very well, and he has everyone fooled. Well written, Bev. Could the killer be Eddie? We'll have to wait to find out.
April
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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This leaves us wondering how Father Brian knows there's going to be another killing VERY SOON. The list doesn't help that much. The killer must be someone who knows the people living there very well, and he has everyone fooled. Well written, Bev. Could the killer be Eddie? We'll have to wait to find out.
April
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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I agree, the details they have been able to gather in under twelve hours would leave any detective feeling frustrated. For whatever reason, that 48 hour mark is a benchmark for success. Father Brian's encounter with the dark force, coupled with his own instincts, is giving him real reason to fear the worst. Lots more intrigue to come. Thanks for your great review and for continuing to follow along, April. I sure appreciate the support! Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev.
Hugs back,
April
Comment from wordsfromsue
Oh Bev, how can you leave us hanging with this most excellent parting sentene?
I felt like I was sitting in on the meeting - good scene set up.
Ooh, I'm getting dotty. Do we know why Fr. Brian suspects another death coming and I forgot? I may have to go back and reread previous chapters (I think I stuff too much reading into my brain lately. :-( )
Really good, exciting installment. :-)
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Oh Bev, how can you leave us hanging with this most excellent parting sentene?
I felt like I was sitting in on the meeting - good scene set up.
Ooh, I'm getting dotty. Do we know why Fr. Brian suspects another death coming and I forgot? I may have to go back and reread previous chapters (I think I stuff too much reading into my brain lately. :-( )
Really good, exciting installment. :-)
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Sue, thank you so much for this very generous and supportive review. If you go back two chapters, Father Brian has a very creepy encounter with an evil spirit in his rectory. This is what convinces that there's a growing evil afoot. Hope that helps! Thanks, again for caring! Hugs, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
Consider this a virtual six, I am presently out of them. Your story moves along at a great pace. Never getting hung up on wasted words or phrases. Every word has a function and every detail a link to the overall portrayal of your characters. Ex: He tucked his legs beneath the chair, drew a notebook from his pocket, and laid it flat using a paperweight to prop it open...this Gives the reader of real visual.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Consider this a virtual six, I am presently out of them. Your story moves along at a great pace. Never getting hung up on wasted words or phrases. Every word has a function and every detail a link to the overall portrayal of your characters. Ex: He tucked his legs beneath the chair, drew a notebook from his pocket, and laid it flat using a paperweight to prop it open...this Gives the reader of real visual.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Dallas, thank you so much for this generous and very supportive review. I especially appreciate you sharing what you felt worked in the chapter. Such a great help! Warmest regards, Bev
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You're welcom. This reads every bit as good as one I might pick off the shelves of a book store.
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Thanks for that, Dallas.
Comment from juliaSjames
Vivid writing, Bev. Love the little details that make the write come to life, such as:
" ... drew a notebook from his pocket, and laid it flat using a paperweight to prop it open."
The resume of the facts of the case is a brilliant device. Not only does it sound authentic as the detectives search for answers, but it also helps remind readers of what has happened hitherto without slowing the pace of the story.
Glad that Jana has re-appeared. I hope she will play an increasingly important role as the plot progresses. I like this character.
Suggested edits:
You use carnivorous similes twice in quick succession - shark/swimmer and coyotes/lamb. Not quite sure of the intent here, Bev.
"most of the people interviewed were in a state shock" - "state of shock"
"screech of marker against board" - I know chalk can squeak when writing on a blackboard. But is the same true for a marker on a whiteboard? I don't think so.
Good ending as Fr Brian's note ups the ante in the investigation.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Vivid writing, Bev. Love the little details that make the write come to life, such as:
" ... drew a notebook from his pocket, and laid it flat using a paperweight to prop it open."
The resume of the facts of the case is a brilliant device. Not only does it sound authentic as the detectives search for answers, but it also helps remind readers of what has happened hitherto without slowing the pace of the story.
Glad that Jana has re-appeared. I hope she will play an increasingly important role as the plot progresses. I like this character.
Suggested edits:
You use carnivorous similes twice in quick succession - shark/swimmer and coyotes/lamb. Not quite sure of the intent here, Bev.
"most of the people interviewed were in a state shock" - "state of shock"
"screech of marker against board" - I know chalk can squeak when writing on a blackboard. But is the same true for a marker on a whiteboard? I don't think so.
Good ending as Fr Brian's note ups the ante in the investigation.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Hi, JJ. Thanks for catching those successive similes, jj. It's a bit much, I agree. The other changes are very helpful suggestions as well. Thanks for the great review and words of encouragement! Yes, Jana, her Lakota uncle and Father Brian will be forming quite a team in the upcoming chapters. Warm regards, Bev
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Always a pleasure to read your work, dear Bev.
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Aw, thanks julia! I feel the same about you. Xxx Bev
Comment from TammyGail
This made for another excellent read
compelling and on the edge storytelling
your closing really makes the reader yearn
for more....baiting them well with a hook of
inky brilliance .. loved it really made for
a damn good read...
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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This made for another excellent read
compelling and on the edge storytelling
your closing really makes the reader yearn
for more....baiting them well with a hook of
inky brilliance .. loved it really made for
a damn good read...
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Thanks so much, Tammy. I really appreciate your awesome review! So nice to know that it kept your interest. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Maustin
Great use of dialogue throughout your work. It is very believable. Your character development is also believable. Father Brian's letter leaves me wanting more and to know who this awful killer is. Your work moves well. Thank you for your author notes. This is a suspenseful story that lingered in my mind, after reading. I enjoyed very much. Do you plan to submit to a publisher one day very soon? If not, then you definitely should, my friend. A virtual 7++++
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Great use of dialogue throughout your work. It is very believable. Your character development is also believable. Father Brian's letter leaves me wanting more and to know who this awful killer is. Your work moves well. Thank you for your author notes. This is a suspenseful story that lingered in my mind, after reading. I enjoyed very much. Do you plan to submit to a publisher one day very soon? If not, then you definitely should, my friend. A virtual 7++++
Comment Written 23-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2012
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Thanks so much, Miracle. I really appreciate your wonderful and generous review. It's been suggested I consider it for publication. It would need to be edited by a professional, for sure. Thank you for the encourgement! Hugs, Bev
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So welcome Bev. You should. Great chapter. Go for it. Shoot for the stars!!! Keep me posted!!
~Miracle
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I'll let you know if it ever happens, Miracle. You're so sweet! Hugs, Bev
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Great and yes, it will happen. Even if you submit to 50 publishers and they say "no," then keep on going. Just like one of my favorite songs by the amazing Journey, "Don't Stop Believing...Hold on to your dreaming'..."
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Rejection, coupled with suggestions for improvement adds up to success, I think. :0) XXX
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So true!!! ;)
