Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Owaka Moon, Pt. 2"Murder Mystery
43 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
You're such a natural, Bev,
your work descriptive and the
dialogue flowing naturally...
one shoe shy of a pair- that's a new one on me. love to learn something new.
a soft drink(,) then squeezed the aluminum can between his fingers(,) watching the veins - added commas
notebook from his pocket[,] and laid it flat(,) using a paperweight to prop it open - you might consider moving the comma along
"What can I say, Ron, you should - suggest you split this.
"What can I say, Ron? You should....
of the picture(,) then stepped back - comma
Margaret
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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You're such a natural, Bev,
your work descriptive and the
dialogue flowing naturally...
one shoe shy of a pair- that's a new one on me. love to learn something new.
a soft drink(,) then squeezed the aluminum can between his fingers(,) watching the veins - added commas
notebook from his pocket[,] and laid it flat(,) using a paperweight to prop it open - you might consider moving the comma along
"What can I say, Ron, you should - suggest you split this.
"What can I say, Ron? You should....
of the picture(,) then stepped back - comma
Margaret
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Margaret, thank you so much for this very helpful review. I swear commas are going to be the death of me. I've made the changes and really appreciate the help - support, too! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from jadapenn
Superb chapter again, Bev and I thoroughly enjoyed the read. You've got me on edge now. I have to wonder about Father Brian. All does not sound so kosher around him. Anyway, I'll let you continue the tense story. Well written. luv jada
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Superb chapter again, Bev and I thoroughly enjoyed the read. You've got me on edge now. I have to wonder about Father Brian. All does not sound so kosher around him. Anyway, I'll let you continue the tense story. Well written. luv jada
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Hi, Jada. Thank you so much for your generous and supportive review, my friend. I am honored to be the recipient of your support and interest. Love, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Dammit, Bev. This just keeps on getting better and better. SO worthy of a six, which I'm not allowed to give you yet. There's so many excellent parts to this chapter.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - this is your forte, this genre.
Excellent work. AND WHAT'S WITH THAT HOOK??? LOL!
He drained the remnants of a soft drink then squeezed the aluminum can between his fingers watching the veins of his hand swell with the sudden influx of blood. Dropping the mauled object into a trash can, he turned to find an emptied hallway. - This is just brilliant imagery. Take a bow.
To a man, their faces showed strain, their body language that of a trio of coyotes converging on a fresh carcass as they compared case notes from the canvass of the victim's neighborhood. - And again. Fantastic writing.
Rick Morales, who often partnered with Jana Burke, - this was the only part I'd tentatively question. Just wondered if the surnames were necessary? No biggie at all. Just a thought.
Can't WAIT for the next.
Bravo, my lovely friend. I'm so impressed.
Love Av
xx
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Dammit, Bev. This just keeps on getting better and better. SO worthy of a six, which I'm not allowed to give you yet. There's so many excellent parts to this chapter.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - this is your forte, this genre.
Excellent work. AND WHAT'S WITH THAT HOOK??? LOL!
He drained the remnants of a soft drink then squeezed the aluminum can between his fingers watching the veins of his hand swell with the sudden influx of blood. Dropping the mauled object into a trash can, he turned to find an emptied hallway. - This is just brilliant imagery. Take a bow.
To a man, their faces showed strain, their body language that of a trio of coyotes converging on a fresh carcass as they compared case notes from the canvass of the victim's neighborhood. - And again. Fantastic writing.
Rick Morales, who often partnered with Jana Burke, - this was the only part I'd tentatively question. Just wondered if the surnames were necessary? No biggie at all. Just a thought.
Can't WAIT for the next.
Bravo, my lovely friend. I'm so impressed.
Love Av
xx
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Aw, thanks so much Av!! Your review has me on top of the world. I sweated over this chapter, so I'm very pleased with your professional approval. I think you may be right about the surnames. Changing it LOL. Father Brian, Tony Buday - the medicine man- and Jana will be working together in the last half of the novel. After all, they started the ball rolling. Again, thank you so much for really noticing how hard I'm working on getting this right. Such encouragement is priceless. You rock!! Love ya, Bev
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I read published stuff that doesn't come close to the quality of this writing, Bev. It's awesome. xx
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Oh, Av, you are so good to me! Love ya, buddy!
Comment from Joan E.
Your opening line resonates and frames so many of today's headlines/new stories. I liked your listing of the "bullet points" and the use of police terminology to lend an additional sense of veracity to the story. -Joan
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Your opening line resonates and frames so many of today's headlines/new stories. I liked your listing of the "bullet points" and the use of police terminology to lend an additional sense of veracity to the story. -Joan
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thanks so much, Joan. I really appreciate your support and generous review! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from judiverse
I've run out of 6's this week, unfortunately. This episode has so much going for it. The handling of the case is really believable. You bring out the pressure to sheriff feels, especially thinking about someone with loose lips on his team. Great description of the senior detectives as being like a trio of coyotes. Laying out the details about Debra's life and how the crime scene looked was handled very well. You end this portion on an ominous note that Father Brian believes the killer will strike again, and soon. Hope Father isn't going to be the victim! judi
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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I've run out of 6's this week, unfortunately. This episode has so much going for it. The handling of the case is really believable. You bring out the pressure to sheriff feels, especially thinking about someone with loose lips on his team. Great description of the senior detectives as being like a trio of coyotes. Laying out the details about Debra's life and how the crime scene looked was handled very well. You end this portion on an ominous note that Father Brian believes the killer will strike again, and soon. Hope Father isn't going to be the victim! judi
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Hi, Judi. Thank you so much for this awesome review. And I, especially, appreciate the time you took to mention the points in the chapter you liked. Knowing you deemed it excellent is enough for me~
Not to worry, Father Brian, Jana and her medicine man uncle are going to featured much more in the second half of this novel.
Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome. I'm glad Father Brian is to be spared. judi
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Me too! Xxx Bev
Comment from JW
Overall, this is a good chapter and it easily holds a reader's interest. Nice story development.
However, you may want to review the following:
and his fingers frenetically (frantically)
as they compared case notes from the canvass (canvas)
JW
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Overall, this is a good chapter and it easily holds a reader's interest. Nice story development.
However, you may want to review the following:
and his fingers frenetically (frantically)
as they compared case notes from the canvass (canvas)
JW
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thanks for sending along your generous review. I appreciate the support.
I'm using the words you mentioned deliberately:
Canvass: to go through a distict
Frenetic: frantic
Take care,
Bev
Comment from Taurean Monkey
I really like the dialogue in the second section, writingfundimension, the coyote remark, the ninja moves, great team dynamics depicted really well here. Ouch, what a way to die paralysed, yet conscious, before suffocation! I also like how the detective whose professionalism is called into question for being late is the one who provides the next vital piece of information. This is a great read, WFD :-) TM
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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I really like the dialogue in the second section, writingfundimension, the coyote remark, the ninja moves, great team dynamics depicted really well here. Ouch, what a way to die paralysed, yet conscious, before suffocation! I also like how the detective whose professionalism is called into question for being late is the one who provides the next vital piece of information. This is a great read, WFD :-) TM
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Hello, Tricia. I really appreciate this awesome review! Thank you for taking time to read and support my chapter, and letting me know what worked for you. Much appreciated. Hugs, Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where the team discusses the case and father brian warns that the criminal is about to attack again.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where the team discusses the case and father brian warns that the criminal is about to attack again.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thank you, sweet. I really appreciate your great review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from misscookie
Thisasanother wining chapter
there was never a dull momnent Ant you had my attention again. now I can't wait to see who going to be killed next
tha nk you for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thisasanother wining chapter
there was never a dull momnent Ant you had my attention again. now I can't wait to see who going to be killed next
tha nk you for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much, Cookie. You always bring a smile to my face with our reviews. Hugs, Bev
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Your very welcome. More people should put on a happy face and smile It's free.
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
Thanks for sharing with me. Hi Enjoyed reading this story. The characters and the imagery are well described. I found it easy to follow. Thanks for sharing with me.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Thanks for sharing with me. Hi Enjoyed reading this story. The characters and the imagery are well described. I found it easy to follow. Thanks for sharing with me.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2012
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Hi, Mary Ann. Glad you enjoyed the chapter. Thank you for your great review and support. Bev
