Jarfly
subtle horror59 total reviews
Comment from kiwisteveh
A different type of horror story here with the hapless and loving Herbert becoming a victim of the bugs he loved so much. My only query would be whether you invested too much detail on the first part of the story and not enough on building up the actual horror at the end, where you bring it quite swiftly to its gruesome conclusion.
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A different type of horror story here with the hapless and loving Herbert becoming a victim of the bugs he loved so much. My only query would be whether you invested too much detail on the first part of the story and not enough on building up the actual horror at the end, where you bring it quite swiftly to its gruesome conclusion.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2012
Comment from Julia.
Dear writer: this is a nicely done story. You've stayed within the required word count. I think bugs are a great source of horror (even wrote a bug story myself once upon a time), so nice choice.
That said, you do have a problem with commas. When there are only two verb actions in a sentence, they are not separated by commas. For example:
"they peered up at him with huge alien eyes, and allowed him to tote them around on his thin shoulders" -- no comma after "eyes"
Same goes for prepositional phrases:
"He wondered if school would be fun, and if the teachers would make him brush his teeth." -- no comma after "fun"
In this sentence, the semicolon should be a comma--"A final proclamation of duty; he turned and trudged". Semicolons are used to set of independent clauses or complete sentences. In this case, the opening clause is dependent and needs a comma.
Anyway these are a few examples. Overall the punctuation is not bad; it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. Good luck in the contest! --Julia
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2012
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Dear writer: this is a nicely done story. You've stayed within the required word count. I think bugs are a great source of horror (even wrote a bug story myself once upon a time), so nice choice.
That said, you do have a problem with commas. When there are only two verb actions in a sentence, they are not separated by commas. For example:
"they peered up at him with huge alien eyes, and allowed him to tote them around on his thin shoulders" -- no comma after "eyes"
Same goes for prepositional phrases:
"He wondered if school would be fun, and if the teachers would make him brush his teeth." -- no comma after "fun"
In this sentence, the semicolon should be a comma--"A final proclamation of duty; he turned and trudged". Semicolons are used to set of independent clauses or complete sentences. In this case, the opening clause is dependent and needs a comma.
Anyway these are a few examples. Overall the punctuation is not bad; it just needs to be cleaned up a bit. Good luck in the contest! --Julia
Comment Written 17-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2012
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Hi Julia! Thank you and I will fix these after some sleep tonight. I will jot your suggestions down and hopefully remember them. I do appreciate your time too.
Comment from purrfect tale
Oh, how gross! I thought for sure he was going to turn into a jarfly. Creepy horror story that held my attention.
The child loved the jarflies, and finally made his way to the burgeoning screen. - you only use a comma with a conjunction when the both clauses on either side of the conjunction could stand alone as complete sentences. Here, the 2nd clause can't, so no comma is needed.
lovingly painted clouds, to carry him away. - comma not needed in this one either
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Oh, how gross! I thought for sure he was going to turn into a jarfly. Creepy horror story that held my attention.
The child loved the jarflies, and finally made his way to the burgeoning screen. - you only use a comma with a conjunction when the both clauses on either side of the conjunction could stand alone as complete sentences. Here, the 2nd clause can't, so no comma is needed.
lovingly painted clouds, to carry him away. - comma not needed in this one either
Comment Written 16-Jul-2012
Comment from desirm
For this story or a book chapter I don't like all the story because the picture it scary and structure seem forced to me and the color also
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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For this story or a book chapter I don't like all the story because the picture it scary and structure seem forced to me and the color also
Comment Written 16-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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I'm sorry you didn't like this. But it's okay. I do appreciate your time. Welcome to FanStory. :)
Comment from Heaven Bound
I had a chill run down my spine as I read the final line. Your writing definitely falls within the horror story confines. Very well written and delivered.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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I had a chill run down my spine as I read the final line. Your writing definitely falls within the horror story confines. Very well written and delivered.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Hi there...I am glad you got the heebie jeebies! Lol! That's what makes scary stories fun. Thank you very much! :)
Comment from Misrael
That wasn't as bad as I have read in the past but it was somewhat of a horror/thriller. I can handle that but others I have a hard time with, Good read and good job. Keep on writing.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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That wasn't as bad as I have read in the past but it was somewhat of a horror/thriller. I can handle that but others I have a hard time with, Good read and good job. Keep on writing.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Hi there! Thank you! I wanted this to be subtle. SO glad you read it and also for this great review! Thanks again! :)
Comment from Renee Fotch
Excellent! Yikes! Very well written, I hate bugs so I was hoping he would Not let them in. Thanks for the content was very clever.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Excellent! Yikes! Very well written, I hate bugs so I was hoping he would Not let them in. Thanks for the content was very clever.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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HI there! Thank you Renee. I'm happy this gave you the creeps! :) Fun! :)
Comment from Gargantuan2
Well written, easy to follow and smooth transitions. I like the story and I think it has a good chance in the contest. I wish you luck
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Well written, easy to follow and smooth transitions. I like the story and I think it has a good chance in the contest. I wish you luck
Comment Written 16-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Hi there! Thank you so much. Just glad you enjoyed this! :)
Comment from Shirley McLain
Oh my gosh, what a story. You have now ruined my love of Circada.:) I was raised calling them Katydids. Used to tie strings around their eyes and let them fly. It was like having a live kite. Great story.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Oh my gosh, what a story. You have now ruined my love of Circada.:) I was raised calling them Katydids. Used to tie strings around their eyes and let them fly. It was like having a live kite. Great story.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Hi there! I'm fascinated with this review! How odd, because some think these are locusts! Locusts are a form of grasshopper, and katy-dids' are the bright green things that sing all summer long. They do blend with these cicadas/I was raised to call them 'jarflies'...I should add that Herbert did this! ?? IF you don't care. What a great addition to my story that would be? I won't do it without your permission. Thank you a million for this fun review! HUG!
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Help yourself. I don't mind at all.
Comment from Gungalo
Yuck, what a way to go. The jarflys got him. LOL oh well you story convince me to not let in any jarflys that's for sure.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Yuck, what a way to go. The jarflys got him. LOL oh well you story convince me to not let in any jarflys that's for sure.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2012
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Hi there! I am so glad you liked this Pam. I know it's subtle, but I love that kind of horror. To me, it's more effective? It's a real delight to know you enjoyed this...hug!
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Oh it really wasn't all that subtle. Hehehe.
