Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Kaskeya Moon, Part Two"Murder Mystery
42 total reviews
Comment from fictionwriter
Interesting summary. Poor guys that are beaten when they're kids. Too many end up doing things like you've described here. A few nits to look at, but well done.
Sheriff Oleson stretched to his full height(,)_ looking every inch a
"Ron(,) I need a bottle of water.
"I know(,) because it's the way I'd do it."
but when pressed(.) he could
I'm Sheriff Derek Oleson(,) and this is Detective Jolly."
call me Chet(,) will ya?
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Interesting summary. Poor guys that are beaten when they're kids. Too many end up doing things like you've described here. A few nits to look at, but well done.
Sheriff Oleson stretched to his full height(,)_ looking every inch a
"Ron(,) I need a bottle of water.
"I know(,) because it's the way I'd do it."
but when pressed(.) he could
I'm Sheriff Derek Oleson(,) and this is Detective Jolly."
call me Chet(,) will ya?
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Thanks for your most helpful review, fictionwriter. Bev
Comment from Mastery
Good job, Bev. You are very good on detail and imagery which helps to propel the plot forward nicely:
"The voice said 'Kill Debra Padget' and that's what I did. I walked right up to her front door. It took her a long time to answer because of the wheelchair. She screamed when she saw it was me and tried to shut the door. I stuck my foot out so she couldn't close it all the way. I chased her into the bedroom and choked her with my bare hands."
Bravo! Good job. Bob
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Good job, Bev. You are very good on detail and imagery which helps to propel the plot forward nicely:
"The voice said 'Kill Debra Padget' and that's what I did. I walked right up to her front door. It took her a long time to answer because of the wheelchair. She screamed when she saw it was me and tried to shut the door. I stuck my foot out so she couldn't close it all the way. I chased her into the bedroom and choked her with my bare hands."
Bravo! Good job. Bob
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Hi, Bob. I'm absolutely thrilled to get your nod of approval! You are most generous, and I really appreciate the support.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
(")Justice is a process ...
-Sheriff Oleson rounded the corner in time to see Detectives Oleson[name is used in two places. Did you mean Detective Jolly or Newstead?]
It looks like Oleson found that Chet was lying. Now, to hunt down the real killer.
I liked that he put the 'leak'(Newstead) on a search for himself. LOL
Very realistic write and I see you're using some screen writing techniques to block in your settings.:)
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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(")Justice is a process ...
-Sheriff Oleson rounded the corner in time to see Detectives Oleson[name is used in two places. Did you mean Detective Jolly or Newstead?]
It looks like Oleson found that Chet was lying. Now, to hunt down the real killer.
I liked that he put the 'leak'(Newstead) on a search for himself. LOL
Very realistic write and I see you're using some screen writing techniques to block in your settings.:)
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Thanks much, ellen. I appreciate your sharp eye for the SPAG's and supportive insights. Bev
Comment from AprilShower
The fellow confessed to the murder. But did he do it? Some things are not adding up. This chapter keeps us hanging in mid-air. Why would he confess to a murder he didn't do? Is it because he's glad she's dead and wishes he had done it or is there another reason. Good chapter, Bev.
April
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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The fellow confessed to the murder. But did he do it? Some things are not adding up. This chapter keeps us hanging in mid-air. Why would he confess to a murder he didn't do? Is it because he's glad she's dead and wishes he had done it or is there another reason. Good chapter, Bev.
April
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Chet's story doesn't line up with facts. So it looks like we've got us a publicity seeker. I really appreciate the great review and your support, April. Hugs, Bev
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;o) Hugs back.
April
Comment from Rob Caudle
Bev, again a fully engrossing read. This reads like a well seasoned pro had written it. I see we are in for a long and suspense filled ride. You characters are full bodied and their dialogue reads like actual conversations. One little typo. hallway out of chair and spat out his words. I think this should be halfway. All together a great read.
Rob
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Bev, again a fully engrossing read. This reads like a well seasoned pro had written it. I see we are in for a long and suspense filled ride. You characters are full bodied and their dialogue reads like actual conversations. One little typo. hallway out of chair and spat out his words. I think this should be halfway. All together a great read.
Rob
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Rob, I thank you so much for this most encouraging review. It's always great to get your perspective, and I sure appreciate your faithful following of the story. I promise to not let so much time go between. Your exceptional rating is mos generous, my friend. Yes, we have lots of ground left to cover. Hopefully, each chapter will be a little bit better thanks to great reviewers like you! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Wes Guptill
While I do not have enough of the story in hand to be able to speak more on the whole of the manuscript, I can say that this is a strong chapter, nearly capable of standing on its own as a fair representative of the entire book. The characters are fairly well developed, the intrigue is there, the setting and its inhabitants are believable, and the dialogue is fairly fluid. I will admit that I did have some reservations about the work when I encounterd the first sentence-- kind of a mouthful-- but it was solid and consistent in its carriage throughout the chapter. I do feel that some of the sentences could shed a little weight, but that's my opinion. And I am just as culpable when it comes to throwing a few extra pounds onto a sentence. But, hey, that's the writer's prerogative, isn't it. Besides, word dieting is the domain of the red-lining editor; the writer gives, and the copy editor taketh away...
At any rate, this was good, strong chapter, and I am going to have to read it in its entirety to see how things play out. Besides, I haven't yet met the good Father.
Best wishes to you and yours.
Salud!
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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While I do not have enough of the story in hand to be able to speak more on the whole of the manuscript, I can say that this is a strong chapter, nearly capable of standing on its own as a fair representative of the entire book. The characters are fairly well developed, the intrigue is there, the setting and its inhabitants are believable, and the dialogue is fairly fluid. I will admit that I did have some reservations about the work when I encounterd the first sentence-- kind of a mouthful-- but it was solid and consistent in its carriage throughout the chapter. I do feel that some of the sentences could shed a little weight, but that's my opinion. And I am just as culpable when it comes to throwing a few extra pounds onto a sentence. But, hey, that's the writer's prerogative, isn't it. Besides, word dieting is the domain of the red-lining editor; the writer gives, and the copy editor taketh away...
At any rate, this was good, strong chapter, and I am going to have to read it in its entirety to see how things play out. Besides, I haven't yet met the good Father.
Best wishes to you and yours.
Salud!
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Thanks, wesguptill. I really appreciate your thorough review! I'll take a second look at the issue of long sentences. Glad you found the chapter worth reading after the rocky start. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from wordsfromsue
Chet's an icky man looking for attention. The new detective certainly displayed his ignorance to the sheriff. I'm surprised he didn't get a harsher reprimand.
Chet didn't do it, so feel free to go ahead and tell me who did.
I won't spill the beans. I promise. :-)
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Chet's an icky man looking for attention. The new detective certainly displayed his ignorance to the sheriff. I'm surprised he didn't get a harsher reprimand.
Chet didn't do it, so feel free to go ahead and tell me who did.
I won't spill the beans. I promise. :-)
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Thanks for this fun and funny review. I'm not tellin! Take care, Bev
Comment from JW
Overall, this is a good addition to your story. It does a great job of progressing your story line and keeping the reader in suspense. JW
However, you may want to review the following:
I should entrust the confession of someone claiming to have commmited (committed)one
with his brand new two hundred dollar ( hundred-dollar ) boots.
"Here's what you're going to spend your next forty eight (forty-eight)hours
Mama forbad (forbade) my daddy's drinking
In his periperhal (peripheral) vision
The garbled response was mostly unintelligable (unintelligible).
Note: This items were flagged by "After the Deadline" - a free spelling/grammar/ writing style checker at www.polishmywriting.com/
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Overall, this is a good addition to your story. It does a great job of progressing your story line and keeping the reader in suspense. JW
However, you may want to review the following:
I should entrust the confession of someone claiming to have commmited (committed)one
with his brand new two hundred dollar ( hundred-dollar ) boots.
"Here's what you're going to spend your next forty eight (forty-eight)hours
Mama forbad (forbade) my daddy's drinking
In his periperhal (peripheral) vision
The garbled response was mostly unintelligable (unintelligible).
Note: This items were flagged by "After the Deadline" - a free spelling/grammar/ writing style checker at www.polishmywriting.com/
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Jonathon, thank you much for your helpful review and generous rating. I really appreciate the support very much. Changes made! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from TammyGail
Damn was that ever a powerful read
you kept me on the edge throughout
the read...prefect closing as well
thanks for sharing.....
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Damn was that ever a powerful read
you kept me on the edge throughout
the read...prefect closing as well
thanks for sharing.....
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much, Tammy. I really appreciate your wonderful words of support and your generosity. You are so kind! Hugs, Bev
Comment from nomi338
This easily competes with the best novels of this genre that I have ever read. The story is genuinely interesting. The characters are real and well defined. The situations are not forced and occur in a logical manner. This story is tight from the top to the bottom. It is peopled with characters that the reader can identify with and care about. Really an excellent effort.
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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This easily competes with the best novels of this genre that I have ever read. The story is genuinely interesting. The characters are real and well defined. The situations are not forced and occur in a logical manner. This story is tight from the top to the bottom. It is peopled with characters that the reader can identify with and care about. Really an excellent effort.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2012
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Thank you so very much, nomi. I sure appreciate this wonderful, supportive review. Thank you for taking time to read my chapter and share your insights. Warmest regards, Bev
