THE GIFT
Tough Love33 total reviews
Comment from Maureen's Pen
I relatively new to reading and reviewing scripts so may not pick up what your intending.
But I found this had good character strength and dialogue. I think the parents need their heads examined not just the child's.
Overall well penned and you had my attention from beginning to end. Which is great news as I'm new to scripts:)
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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I relatively new to reading and reviewing scripts so may not pick up what your intending.
But I found this had good character strength and dialogue. I think the parents need their heads examined not just the child's.
Overall well penned and you had my attention from beginning to end. Which is great news as I'm new to scripts:)
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Maureen, thank you so much for this generous and encouraging review. It was supposed to have been released only to classroom, and I understand it came out without a title. So, I know that you probably had to go into my portfolio to find it, and I do very much appreciate your kindness. Hugs, Bev
Comment from visionary1234
oh very good one!!! And you've coped with the nasty Edit program SOOOO well! (I find it very frustating to use). Good believable flow to the dialogue, well drawn characters, and you gave us a masterly "show but not tell" writing. Well done!!! One of the best screenplays I've read!
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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oh very good one!!! And you've coped with the nasty Edit program SOOOO well! (I find it very frustating to use). Good believable flow to the dialogue, well drawn characters, and you gave us a masterly "show but not tell" writing. Well done!!! One of the best screenplays I've read!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you so much, V. After just reviewing your splendid script, I'm really honored by your encouragement. I nearly gave up when it took me twice as long to get it correct for posting as it did to write it! EEK! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Misrael
I think that the parents are the ones that need help not just the child. It will be interesting to read more in the future. Good read and good job.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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I think that the parents are the ones that need help not just the child. It will be interesting to read more in the future. Good read and good job.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you, Misrael. Unfortunately, the psychiatrist in question never did see either the child or parents ever again. Once can only surmise what the poor boy's life was like. Thank you for your generous review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Bev
Well done - great to see you as a scriptwriter.
A few pointers:
When you FADE IN you need to FADE OUT. DISSOLVE is better applied in chemistry.
FADE IN INT/EXT tells me this is a screenplay. A play intended for the theatre will indeed have a Cast List, but in screenplays the characters are usually described as they come into the action.
Off stage means exactly that - off the stage - not the movie set. The director may opt for say a crowd location where actors and noises are all over the place.
Try and avoid xxxing words in descriptions. Better to say speaks than speaking, gestures than gesturing. Make all directions instant commands.
CONTD not really necessary when you repeat the character's name.
Don't leave a gap between names and text. Actors like to highlight their places - gaps waste the ink.
No need to put short points like interrupts (you have interrupting!) on separate lines. In brackets at the side of the name looks neat. But a new line for a lot of action.
Okay - the story is great and I know you put a lot of effort into this - hence the six stars!
Ron xox
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Hi Bev
Well done - great to see you as a scriptwriter.
A few pointers:
When you FADE IN you need to FADE OUT. DISSOLVE is better applied in chemistry.
FADE IN INT/EXT tells me this is a screenplay. A play intended for the theatre will indeed have a Cast List, but in screenplays the characters are usually described as they come into the action.
Off stage means exactly that - off the stage - not the movie set. The director may opt for say a crowd location where actors and noises are all over the place.
Try and avoid xxxing words in descriptions. Better to say speaks than speaking, gestures than gesturing. Make all directions instant commands.
CONTD not really necessary when you repeat the character's name.
Don't leave a gap between names and text. Actors like to highlight their places - gaps waste the ink.
No need to put short points like interrupts (you have interrupting!) on separate lines. In brackets at the side of the name looks neat. But a new line for a lot of action.
Okay - the story is great and I know you put a lot of effort into this - hence the six stars!
Ron xox
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Hi, Ron. Thanks for the superb insights and directions for improvement. I'm going from Screenwriting for Dummies (appropo in this case) and some of what I've included comes directly from that. O.S. is used for off-screen according to this author. I very much agree with keeping the dialogue in the present, which is what I think you are saying in your review. Thanks for all the help, Ron. This was kicked into regular reviewing instead of studen and classroom, so it wasn't really my intention to put it out as finished product. Kind of glad that's how it worked out, though as you and others given me lots to think about. Appreciate the encouragement of the extra star, kind friend. Warm regards, Bev
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One important thing I forgot to say. You can only write about what can be seen and heard on the screen. Unlike books, you can not say what characters are thinking or feeling - like a shiver on the spine. That kind of thing is taken care of by mood music and actor's expressions. xox
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Yes, Ellen reviewed right after you and pointed that out. Not like a novel! I've taken that section out. Thanks again, Ron. Xx Bev
Comment from barkingdog
This read like a movie. The best I've seen of the class scripts posted.
You seem to have a talent for this. No wonder you like it so.
Only one suggestion:
You wrote:
(The psychiatrist feels a chill along the back of his neck)
In a script feelings have to be written action. So this would go something like this: Dr. Preston touches the back of his neck as if a chill had run through it. This gives a movement and its motivation.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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This read like a movie. The best I've seen of the class scripts posted.
You seem to have a talent for this. No wonder you like it so.
Only one suggestion:
You wrote:
(The psychiatrist feels a chill along the back of his neck)
In a script feelings have to be written action. So this would go something like this: Dr. Preston touches the back of his neck as if a chill had run through it. This gives a movement and its motivation.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Ellen, thank you so much for your very generous review and good insights. Between Ron, just before you, and others I've gotten some excellent feed-back. I do enjoy this - now if I could find a hard-and-fast way to produce the product, I'd be every so happy. I went from Screenplay for Dummies, and it looks like that may be outdated. Going to make the change as you suggested. Thank you, again, Ellen. You are ever so kind. Hugs, Bev
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I have 'The Screenwriter's Bible' by Trottier, fifth edition, expanded and updated, 2010
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Hi, Ellen. I'm going to look up that book right now! Xxx Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I've no idea with scripts... all looks
good to me, Bev.
Altho I had notification you had posted,
there was no title on the message, so I
had to pick this up from your portfolio...
Strange.
Good luck with this,
Margaret
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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I've no idea with scripts... all looks
good to me, Bev.
Altho I had notification you had posted,
there was no title on the message, so I
had to pick this up from your portfolio...
Strange.
Good luck with this,
Margaret
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thanks, Margaret. This was supposed to be released to a classroom, so that's the goof-up. Thanks for taking the time to go to my portfolio ... that's very kind of your. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Carrie Carson
This is excellent method of exposing the characters for who they are. Some sick *^%( if you ask me. Priorities are completely out of whack with what their primary responsibility should be, the care and welfare of their remaining child.
Dr exists as concerned party in the face of non-cooperative parents who worry more about their pocket books and self justification for their cold lack of consideration for Gabriel. Interesting name choice, I thought.
Good job with this, talk to you Wed. :) Carrie
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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This is excellent method of exposing the characters for who they are. Some sick *^%( if you ask me. Priorities are completely out of whack with what their primary responsibility should be, the care and welfare of their remaining child.
Dr exists as concerned party in the face of non-cooperative parents who worry more about their pocket books and self justification for their cold lack of consideration for Gabriel. Interesting name choice, I thought.
Good job with this, talk to you Wed. :) Carrie
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Carrie, thank you so much for your supportive insights and review. I really appreciate it! Yes, 'see' you in class. :0) Bev
Comment from donaldww
I found this story to be well written, and the attention you gave to fonts and spacing made it easy to read and follow. I found the encounter between Dr. Preston and the parents somewhat bizarre, almost surreal. That most likely shows my lack of experience with psychiatrists.
Two small things to consider:
I wonder if it would be useful to mention that Dr. Preston is a psychiatrist within the cast section.
DR. SOLOMON IS SPEAKING INTO A HAND-HELD RECORDING DEVICE: <<-- Would it be better to say DR. PRESTON here, since Solomon is his first name?
Cheers!
DW
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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I found this story to be well written, and the attention you gave to fonts and spacing made it easy to read and follow. I found the encounter between Dr. Preston and the parents somewhat bizarre, almost surreal. That most likely shows my lack of experience with psychiatrists.
Two small things to consider:
I wonder if it would be useful to mention that Dr. Preston is a psychiatrist within the cast section.
DR. SOLOMON IS SPEAKING INTO A HAND-HELD RECORDING DEVICE: <<-- Would it be better to say DR. PRESTON here, since Solomon is his first name?
Cheers!
DW
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank for the great tips and review, DW. Your changes are already in place! Awesome when others catch obvious screw-ups LOL! Much appreciated, Bev
Comment from Spitfire
I'm betting you're taking the course. I like the format he's teaching. I recognized the plot. You did an excellent job with turning prose into script.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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I'm betting you're taking the course. I like the format he's teaching. I recognized the plot. You did an excellent job with turning prose into script.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Yup, and this ended up being kicked into regular release mode instead of class review only. I really appreciate your insights and generous review, Spitfire. Thank you for the support. Bev
Comment from mjordahl
Wow....Description was great...The mood and tone we're nicely incorporated bringing emotions and tensions out with ease. I could clearly picture the doctor with description.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Wow....Description was great...The mood and tone we're nicely incorporated bringing emotions and tensions out with ease. I could clearly picture the doctor with description.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you so much, mj. This was supposed to have been a character-driven assignement, so I really appreciate you affirming that I'm doing something right! You're very kind and I appreciate your generosity. Warm regards, Bev
