Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 71 "part two, Chapter 21"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
75 total reviews
Comment from Larry Talbot
You are right in saying that I will be confused because I was. It would have been useful to know in the intro WHERE this was happening. I could piece some of it together, but I didn't know.
You do an outstanding job of showing me the character hearts without over-explaining it -- which is a flaw in many romantic stories.
I particularly liked her touching the parts of her body when she is recounting the injuries done to her.
You also have a way of hooking me into reading further. I was very interested in knowing about the missing picture and how it fit into your narrative. You delivered.
The dialogue in some places feels a little stilted to me. It may be that it's because I am only meeting your characters for the first time...but I'd suggest you take a moment to read it out loud to yourself. You'll be able to use it to find out if it sounds natural to your ear.
A very good story overall. I enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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You are right in saying that I will be confused because I was. It would have been useful to know in the intro WHERE this was happening. I could piece some of it together, but I didn't know.
You do an outstanding job of showing me the character hearts without over-explaining it -- which is a flaw in many romantic stories.
I particularly liked her touching the parts of her body when she is recounting the injuries done to her.
You also have a way of hooking me into reading further. I was very interested in knowing about the missing picture and how it fit into your narrative. You delivered.
The dialogue in some places feels a little stilted to me. It may be that it's because I am only meeting your characters for the first time...but I'd suggest you take a moment to read it out loud to yourself. You'll be able to use it to find out if it sounds natural to your ear.
A very good story overall. I enjoyed it.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review. I will check out my dialogue.
Comment from Stalking Wolf
Haven't been following but this brilliantly describes a scene to much in our land, of a abused woman, by her husband or man. This would be after, when family and friends step in. Wish there were more that would. More abusers really need to die for their crimes as is in this story. Enjoyed.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Haven't been following but this brilliantly describes a scene to much in our land, of a abused woman, by her husband or man. This would be after, when family and friends step in. Wish there were more that would. More abusers really need to die for their crimes as is in this story. Enjoyed.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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I agree. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mishelly
I felt Anna's terror as she finally remembered what happened to her through her dreams. I like the part how she felt each injury on her body as she described what happened to her. This gave extra information without the use of dialogue and made it feel more realistic. The pacing of your story is very well done.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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I felt Anna's terror as she finally remembered what happened to her through her dreams. I like the part how she felt each injury on her body as she described what happened to her. This gave extra information without the use of dialogue and made it feel more realistic. The pacing of your story is very well done.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and support.
Comment from Ralph Miller
Good, typo free, poswerful writing that I enjoyed reading. I've just spent a couple of days staying with friends. His name is Paul Evers, so it was a bit of a coincidence to read of Paul and Everett. This is the second bit I've read of your and I'm looking forward to more.
All the best
Ralph
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Good, typo free, poswerful writing that I enjoyed reading. I've just spent a couple of days staying with friends. His name is Paul Evers, so it was a bit of a coincidence to read of Paul and Everett. This is the second bit I've read of your and I'm looking forward to more.
All the best
Ralph
Comment Written 19-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and sharing the coincidence.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Barbara:)
Tis post seems to be authentic in the way memories of Bobby's assault slowly came back to Anna. I still doubt that either her doctor or her friends would have allowed her to return to the scene of the attack without telling her that Bobby was dead.
i think this is one of your better posts and would give you six stars if FanStory would allow it.
Love and Irish Hugs, my friend,
Roger
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Hi Barbara:)
Tis post seems to be authentic in the way memories of Bobby's assault slowly came back to Anna. I still doubt that either her doctor or her friends would have allowed her to return to the scene of the attack without telling her that Bobby was dead.
i think this is one of your better posts and would give you six stars if FanStory would allow it.
Love and Irish Hugs, my friend,
Roger
Comment Written 19-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the virtual six. You may be right. I just don't know. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Heaven Bound
Even though this is the first of your chapters I've read, I quite interesting in reading the others. Very well written; you tell the story well. I was "caught up" in the story. Thanks so much.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Even though this is the first of your chapters I've read, I quite interesting in reading the others. Very well written; you tell the story well. I was "caught up" in the story. Thanks so much.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
Great piece, really original and compelling. Couldn't stop reading. Loved the Dream Catcher reference at the end. Great work. Thanks for sharing it here.
Good luck
cheers
js
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Great piece, really original and compelling. Couldn't stop reading. Loved the Dream Catcher reference at the end. Great work. Thanks for sharing it here.
Good luck
cheers
js
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from fictionwriter
Another great addition to the story. I'd hate to have to remember through nightmares. Well done. Just a few suggestions.
Mom's getting some water."
Betty handed Anna a glass of water. "This will help." (water and water used too close together. I would change the first one to drink, and leave the second as is)
Her eyes focused on the wall across from her.(this sounds awkward to me. I suggest simplifying it to. She focused on the wall across from her.)
There used to be something on that wall. (you just said she focused on the wall, so I wouldn't use wall again here. I suggest. There used to be something there)
"He got out on early parole. Nobody expected him to be released so early."(early and early used too close together. I suggest the first sentence just say He got out on parole.)
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Another great addition to the story. I'd hate to have to remember through nightmares. Well done. Just a few suggestions.
Mom's getting some water."
Betty handed Anna a glass of water. "This will help." (water and water used too close together. I would change the first one to drink, and leave the second as is)
Her eyes focused on the wall across from her.(this sounds awkward to me. I suggest simplifying it to. She focused on the wall across from her.)
There used to be something on that wall. (you just said she focused on the wall, so I wouldn't use wall again here. I suggest. There used to be something there)
"He got out on early parole. Nobody expected him to be released so early."(early and early used too close together. I suggest the first sentence just say He got out on parole.)
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the suggestions. I will make them I appreciate the eagle eye.
Comment from Deorre Leonard
Another awesome chapter. I haven't been on in a while so I have to go back and catch up. It held my interest it has a really good flow the characters are so real. Well done. Deorre
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Another awesome chapter. I haven't been on in a while so I have to go back and catch up. It held my interest it has a really good flow the characters are so real. Well done. Deorre
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from mumsyone
Cute ending for this chapter, Barbara. I like the picture, too. Dream catchers have always fascinated me.
I'll lay (lie) beside you and be your dream catcher."
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Cute ending for this chapter, Barbara. I like the picture, too. Dream catchers have always fascinated me.
I'll lay (lie) beside you and be your dream catcher."
Comment Written 18-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2012
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Thank you for catching that. I wll make the change.
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After I suggested the change, I realized it is being used in dialogue, and people usually say 'lay' instead of 'lie', even though it's wrong, so you may want to leave it the way you had it. Entirely up to you.
