Poetry, Dreams In Motion.
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Revelations"A collection of poetry.
8 total reviews
Comment from Kingsland
this is a very well written poem
rhyming is good
flow is right on
and your message is a good one
thank you
...................John
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this is a very well written poem
rhyming is good
flow is right on
and your message is a good one
thank you
...................John
Comment Written 28-Feb-2005
Comment from Nescher Pyscher
A good, clean, tight kind of write, Ric, but a little thin in my opinion. I think you could've explored this a bit fuller.
Overall, I'm VERY impressed. Gonna toddle off and become a fan, now. :0)
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A good, clean, tight kind of write, Ric, but a little thin in my opinion. I think you could've explored this a bit fuller.
Overall, I'm VERY impressed. Gonna toddle off and become a fan, now. :0)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2005
Comment from StormyGale
Whoa!
I have often wondered how to make the message of Revelations into a poetic shocker! Looks like you beat me to it! Very good! You got my vote!
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Whoa!
I have often wondered how to make the message of Revelations into a poetic shocker! Looks like you beat me to it! Very good! You got my vote!
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
Comment from Salad Shooter
Hmm. Are you studying writing at Stanford?
A tide comes, or tides come, but "tides comes" just doesn't agree in number.
The phrase "deceptive mysteries through lasting ties" -- the "lasting ties" part, in particular-- is lost on me. What lasting ties are you referring to? There is the broken treaty.. in the middle of the seven years... but.. to me, it just looks like you were grasping for a rhyme for "lying eyes". In other words, it seems contrived.
The slant rhyme "tell", and "unveil", grates on my nerves. It suggests to me a Southern accent that might, ultimately, keep you from writing rhyme effectively. These words only rhyme, if you are Southern.
You have stolen "And who shall stand" from the Bible or Handel's "Messiah". I'm not sure which, but probably both, because most of Messiah is lifted right out of the Bible... I'd switch shall for "can", and you'll sound less like a plaigiarist.
There is no discernable meter scheme to this poem. You desperately need a class in poetry. Enroll right away. Learn your craft. Unless you just want to write only essays, stories and novels, you need to understand what makes poetry good, and implement it. If you are unable to do it well-- stick with writing prose. If I were a Stanford faculty member who had instructed you, I would be embarrassed to admit it. This site should help you, especially if you can put up with abuse from snotty reviewers like me. I cannot help myself. This is not good poetry. You are at a fabulous school, and I -- a college dropout, broke, and saddled with multiple responsibilities that preclude my rectifying that situation-- am green with envy. Please, oh PLEASE, take advantage of the blessing of being where you are, and become the fabulous writer that you can be.
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Hmm. Are you studying writing at Stanford?
A tide comes, or tides come, but "tides comes" just doesn't agree in number.
The phrase "deceptive mysteries through lasting ties" -- the "lasting ties" part, in particular-- is lost on me. What lasting ties are you referring to? There is the broken treaty.. in the middle of the seven years... but.. to me, it just looks like you were grasping for a rhyme for "lying eyes". In other words, it seems contrived.
The slant rhyme "tell", and "unveil", grates on my nerves. It suggests to me a Southern accent that might, ultimately, keep you from writing rhyme effectively. These words only rhyme, if you are Southern.
You have stolen "And who shall stand" from the Bible or Handel's "Messiah". I'm not sure which, but probably both, because most of Messiah is lifted right out of the Bible... I'd switch shall for "can", and you'll sound less like a plaigiarist.
There is no discernable meter scheme to this poem. You desperately need a class in poetry. Enroll right away. Learn your craft. Unless you just want to write only essays, stories and novels, you need to understand what makes poetry good, and implement it. If you are unable to do it well-- stick with writing prose. If I were a Stanford faculty member who had instructed you, I would be embarrassed to admit it. This site should help you, especially if you can put up with abuse from snotty reviewers like me. I cannot help myself. This is not good poetry. You are at a fabulous school, and I -- a college dropout, broke, and saddled with multiple responsibilities that preclude my rectifying that situation-- am green with envy. Please, oh PLEASE, take advantage of the blessing of being where you are, and become the fabulous writer that you can be.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
Comment from Muzzy
This is an awesome piece... very descriptive and the flow and meter good. It definitely gives the reader a lot of food for thought.
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This is an awesome piece... very descriptive and the flow and meter good. It definitely gives the reader a lot of food for thought.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
Comment from EmileJP
This is a well thought out poem that tries its best to not only describe a state of being , but makes an attempt to instill a desired mind frame. The words are clever and have a gentle and somewhat authoritative pitch to help the reader release control over to the words and feel them within your thought processes.
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This is a well thought out poem that tries its best to not only describe a state of being , but makes an attempt to instill a desired mind frame. The words are clever and have a gentle and somewhat authoritative pitch to help the reader release control over to the words and feel them within your thought processes.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
Comment from Grey Morning
The rhymes work, the flow is alright, the idea is interesting--good overall.
Masochistic is missing its "h," and sunlight is one word.
As you have revised this, I see no reason not to reward you with another bright red star--good job :)
Best of luck,
Shana
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The rhymes work, the flow is alright, the idea is interesting--good overall.
Masochistic is missing its "h," and sunlight is one word.
As you have revised this, I see no reason not to reward you with another bright red star--good job :)
Best of luck,
Shana
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
Comment from Wendyanne
You have interpretated Revelations very well and have managed to express this in your poem. The image you have created is pretty terrifying and should make us all consider our fate. Well done.
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You have interpretated Revelations very well and have managed to express this in your poem. The image you have created is pretty terrifying and should make us all consider our fate. Well done.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
