Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 70 "part one, Chapter 21"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
75 total reviews
Comment from NaughtieScribe
Maybe they should have waited. She just got out of the hospital. Betty and Troy could have gotten a few things for Anna, and let her rest a day or two before she confronted this life altering memory.
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2012
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Maybe they should have waited. She just got out of the hospital. Betty and Troy could have gotten a few things for Anna, and let her rest a day or two before she confronted this life altering memory.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2012
Thank you.
Comment from Alaskastory
This part of Chapter 21 is full of dialogue that is easy to follow and the personalities of the characters come through.
spelling: '....[wouidn't](wouldn't) be any problems."
Excellent chapter.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012
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This part of Chapter 21 is full of dialogue that is easy to follow and the personalities of the characters come through.
spelling: '....[wouidn't](wouldn't) be any problems."
Excellent chapter.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2012
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Thank you for your eagle eye. I will correct that.
Comment from ChristinaC7
Good job. I like the way all the people interact and you show alot and not just tell. I like how you get into the mind of the character.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2012
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Good job. I like the way all the people interact and you show alot and not just tell. I like how you get into the mind of the character.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from LAFraser
Barbara, this is a great chapter. It is so sad there is so much domestic violence still in this world. Thankfully, there are safe houses for women and children to stay, but they should never HAVE to be needed. Well done and thanks for posting the SAFE website and the National Domestic Violence Hotline number. :)
~Lisa
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2012
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Barbara, this is a great chapter. It is so sad there is so much domestic violence still in this world. Thankfully, there are safe houses for women and children to stay, but they should never HAVE to be needed. Well done and thanks for posting the SAFE website and the National Domestic Violence Hotline number. :)
~Lisa
Comment Written 27-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
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You're welcome, Barbara! :)
~Lisa
Comment from Fluffyhead
woah talk about a freaking cliffhanger ? I likey. What will happen next. I hope evrything will work out for anna and troy and company....
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2012
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woah talk about a freaking cliffhanger ? I likey. What will happen next. I hope evrything will work out for anna and troy and company....
Comment Written 21-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2012
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Thank you for catchign up with the story. I am sorry you had to read it with no bonus points attached.
Comment from adewpearl
Excellent dialogue - I can feel Anna's frustrations with all the fussing
You also do a great job of expressing her confusion as she tries to remember in order to understand everyone else's concern
A most dramatic ending to this chapter :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
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Excellent dialogue - I can feel Anna's frustrations with all the fussing
You also do a great job of expressing her confusion as she tries to remember in order to understand everyone else's concern
A most dramatic ending to this chapter :-) Brooke
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review. Glad you are back.
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Barbara:)
This is an excellent chapter which seems to capture the anxiety of returning to the scene of Bobby's attack. As Anna approaches her apartment it becomes more and more obvious that she hasn't been told many of the details about what happened there. My impression is that she should have known the most important details in advance. For her to go back without such knowledge could set her up for a big psychological shock depending on how fast the details return.
I can understand why her doctor and friends didn't want to flood her with traumatic information too quickly. I hope that won't cause a setback in her healing process.
This is vivid and realistic writing.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
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Hi Barbara:)
This is an excellent chapter which seems to capture the anxiety of returning to the scene of Bobby's attack. As Anna approaches her apartment it becomes more and more obvious that she hasn't been told many of the details about what happened there. My impression is that she should have known the most important details in advance. For her to go back without such knowledge could set her up for a big psychological shock depending on how fast the details return.
I can understand why her doctor and friends didn't want to flood her with traumatic information too quickly. I hope that won't cause a setback in her healing process.
This is vivid and realistic writing.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and support.
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Barb, I copied this over a couple of days ago, but only got a moment to read it. See a few issues I feel like bringing up.
The nurse walked behind, taking control of the wheelchair. "Mr. Whitman, would you hold the door? I'm sure Mr. Sorenson's almost finished with the paperwork." - by the beginning sentence, I thought they were already walking out. See if this sounds better:
The nurse stepped behind Anna and took control of the wheelchair. "Mr. Whitman, would you hold the door?
"It was my decision." Anna released a deep breath. "I don't understand why you feel the need to protect me from my own apartment." She glared at Troy. "It's not necessary for you to come along. Your Mom and Dad will help." - I thought she sounded rather rude here.
As they maneuvered [through] the crowded hospital halls, [Troy held the glass doors open for the ladies.] - you keep repeating about the men holding and opening doors. At times it's not necessary. It's understood. Or you can switch this way:
They maneuvered through the crowded hospital halls with Troy ahead of them to hold the glass doors open.
Moments later Troy opened the passenger front door. Betty sat down. - 'Betty got in/entered' sounds more suitable I think.
Anna turned and studied the cement outside the door. "Why was Michael out here? - I don't quite get it here. What has the cement to do with Michael being out? Is there anything there to make her say that? Maybe his play things, etc. need some description here.
Hope those help.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2012
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Hi Barb, I copied this over a couple of days ago, but only got a moment to read it. See a few issues I feel like bringing up.
The nurse walked behind, taking control of the wheelchair. "Mr. Whitman, would you hold the door? I'm sure Mr. Sorenson's almost finished with the paperwork." - by the beginning sentence, I thought they were already walking out. See if this sounds better:
The nurse stepped behind Anna and took control of the wheelchair. "Mr. Whitman, would you hold the door?
"It was my decision." Anna released a deep breath. "I don't understand why you feel the need to protect me from my own apartment." She glared at Troy. "It's not necessary for you to come along. Your Mom and Dad will help." - I thought she sounded rather rude here.
As they maneuvered [through] the crowded hospital halls, [Troy held the glass doors open for the ladies.] - you keep repeating about the men holding and opening doors. At times it's not necessary. It's understood. Or you can switch this way:
They maneuvered through the crowded hospital halls with Troy ahead of them to hold the glass doors open.
Moments later Troy opened the passenger front door. Betty sat down. - 'Betty got in/entered' sounds more suitable I think.
Anna turned and studied the cement outside the door. "Why was Michael out here? - I don't quite get it here. What has the cement to do with Michael being out? Is there anything there to make her say that? Maybe his play things, etc. need some description here.
Hope those help.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2012
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Thank you for your suggestions. I wanted to wait until I had time to make the corrections.
Comment from writerwish
Wonderful. The dialogue and setting was at a perfect pace. I could see it all in my mind's eye. Now I am wondering if she will remember everything..
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2012
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Wonderful. The dialogue and setting was at a perfect pace. I could see it all in my mind's eye. Now I am wondering if she will remember everything..
Comment Written 14-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2012
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Thank you for the kind review and support.
Comment from delighteer
I read your chapter several times and as far as suggesting alternatives to your chosen words, this sentence offered a possibility. It simply sounded awkward. "Paul turned from the driver's seat."
So, the next thing that came to mind was your mixture of dialogue and action throughout the piece. It seemed repetitive similar to a lazy game of table tennis. You do such a great job of introducing conflict that I decided to zero in on this aspect of your skill set.
It's not that "nothing is happening" in this chapter, but that the writing style in so predicable that many of the emotional nuances fall on deaf ears.
Hemingway highlighted a story's "sequence of motion and fact." There could be a vast improvement in your writing if you dramatized more colorfully.
Maybe invoking the other senses, not just hearing, would do the trick. As an example, "All I remember is one of his dogs bit Troy." What did that dog smell like, were gobs of saliva dripping from black gums, did his swiping paws feel like sharp knives, did she kiss her son's broken skin?
The more dimensions of experience you employ the more effective that writing will become. I love your story because conflict abounds, but I'd love to see a somewhat flat effect evolve into sensual impact.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2012
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I read your chapter several times and as far as suggesting alternatives to your chosen words, this sentence offered a possibility. It simply sounded awkward. "Paul turned from the driver's seat."
So, the next thing that came to mind was your mixture of dialogue and action throughout the piece. It seemed repetitive similar to a lazy game of table tennis. You do such a great job of introducing conflict that I decided to zero in on this aspect of your skill set.
It's not that "nothing is happening" in this chapter, but that the writing style in so predicable that many of the emotional nuances fall on deaf ears.
Hemingway highlighted a story's "sequence of motion and fact." There could be a vast improvement in your writing if you dramatized more colorfully.
Maybe invoking the other senses, not just hearing, would do the trick. As an example, "All I remember is one of his dogs bit Troy." What did that dog smell like, were gobs of saliva dripping from black gums, did his swiping paws feel like sharp knives, did she kiss her son's broken skin?
The more dimensions of experience you employ the more effective that writing will become. I love your story because conflict abounds, but I'd love to see a somewhat flat effect evolve into sensual impact.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2012
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Many modern readers really don't like Hemingway. Matter of fact, one said, "The Old Man and The Sea was about an old man who went fishing. He caught a big fish then lost it. He was sad and I never did figure out what the frog was about." Most of today's readers would not be interested in his writing, I realize he won many awards. Charles Dickens is another, I personally don't like to read a lot of descriptions, so I don't write a lot of descriptions. Your suggestion about the dog bite would never fit in with the rest of the story. Troy was bit about 150 pages ago. I described it then, in this post, Anna is trying to get her memory back. Thank you for taking time to read.
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I seem to have thrown you a curve ball, sorry if my alluding to recognized writers and proven methods was not as helpful as intended. You write whatever you want and banish descriptions as you proceed. I'll follow your progress at a distance.
