Hollow House
Freestyle two true story poems15 total reviews
Comment from Eleanor Buron
Such a sad poem and the house stands as reminder that things were once okay for the house and the inhabitants and then everything fell into ruin and resulted in a suicide.
I like the free verse with intermittent rhyming. I do feel, though, that towards the end where "it seems" is used twice that one can be eliminated. Some things are obvious and then no longer 'seems' but constitute reality. "it" should be used sparingly, otherwise name the it. For example, fourth line from the bottom: "I wish he had given it more time" - maybe say "I wish he had given life more time" - Putting a name to some pronouns give strength to the poem. I hope this is helpful. I know you feel deeply about what happened and the writing shows this emotion.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Such a sad poem and the house stands as reminder that things were once okay for the house and the inhabitants and then everything fell into ruin and resulted in a suicide.
I like the free verse with intermittent rhyming. I do feel, though, that towards the end where "it seems" is used twice that one can be eliminated. Some things are obvious and then no longer 'seems' but constitute reality. "it" should be used sparingly, otherwise name the it. For example, fourth line from the bottom: "I wish he had given it more time" - maybe say "I wish he had given life more time" - Putting a name to some pronouns give strength to the poem. I hope this is helpful. I know you feel deeply about what happened and the writing shows this emotion.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Thank you Eleanor very much for your excellant suggestions on how to improve my poem. I will definitely change the lines. I think yours sounds much better.
Comment from Janie King
He killed himself? Boy this picture sure brings the words of your poem to a sharp vissual picture..so sad when someone takes their life..for given enough time the hurt will become bearable and life will go on. God bless.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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He killed himself? Boy this picture sure brings the words of your poem to a sharp vissual picture..so sad when someone takes their life..for given enough time the hurt will become bearable and life will go on. God bless.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Thank you Janie for reading my poem and your comments. I saw this picture while looking for something else and then the poem just flowed out of me. He was our neighbor and friend ever since he was a young teenager and had worked for my husband. He moved next door to us because of our love and friendship with him. He was like another one of our children.
Comment from MumEsGirl
Thank you for this wonderful work. You have indeed captured the lonesome feeling that exists in a house so soon deserted.
By brother left this world too soon, and his home now stands idle. This was a work I could really identify with
hugs
kate
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Thank you for this wonderful work. You have indeed captured the lonesome feeling that exists in a house so soon deserted.
By brother left this world too soon, and his home now stands idle. This was a work I could really identify with
hugs
kate
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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I'm so sorry about your brother. Thank you for your kind comments on my poem.
Comment from Starlit Ink
It's so sad that he ended his life with so much living left to do. In my neighborhood, there are some abandoned houses, and they can tend to look sad, with no happiness there. This write reminded me of that. This was touching, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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It's so sad that he ended his life with so much living left to do. In my neighborhood, there are some abandoned houses, and they can tend to look sad, with no happiness there. This write reminded me of that. This was touching, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Thank you Starlit for reading and commenting on my poem.
Comment from Tawnyowl
This seems a sad affair and as you say is based on fact as you look over to a neighbour's house. I thought it a bit creepy, the old house empty and unlived in, and then you tell us there was a tragedy there, a suicide. It is full of meaning and desolate too. I like this phrase 'hollow house'. It gets over your meaning of a bereavement.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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This seems a sad affair and as you say is based on fact as you look over to a neighbour's house. I thought it a bit creepy, the old house empty and unlived in, and then you tell us there was a tragedy there, a suicide. It is full of meaning and desolate too. I like this phrase 'hollow house'. It gets over your meaning of a bereavement.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Thanks Tawny for reading and commenting on my poem. I saw this picture and the poem just wrote itself.
Comment from reconciled
Man...how sad. Very sorry to hear that. This is an exceptional write Jo....I love ..the way you expressed yourself...not the message love Michael
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Man...how sad. Very sorry to hear that. This is an exceptional write Jo....I love ..the way you expressed yourself...not the message love Michael
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Thanks Michael. This was a man that was not only our neighbor but our friend since he was a teenager. He had moved next door to us to be close. He seemed like another one of our children. It was so sad to lose him this way. It brought back a lot of the pain from our son's suicide at 41 five years earlier.
Comment from manjuneelam
Such a sad story in this very well composed poem. The smartly chosen words narrate the story in the poem at it's best with a smooth flow.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Such a sad story in this very well composed poem. The smartly chosen words narrate the story in the poem at it's best with a smooth flow.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Thank you Manjuneelam for your kind review of my poem.
Comment from pickelhead
The poem spells out the tragedy well and ending ones life is an act of despair and you can only hope for God's mercy for those that knowingly end their own life.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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The poem spells out the tragedy well and ending ones life is an act of despair and you can only hope for God's mercy for those that knowingly end their own life.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2012
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Thanks for your kind comments on my poem. He was like a son to us. His suicide brought us much pain and still does.
Comment from Val Crisson
What a sad poem, that is very well written. Jo, I think your rhyming is getting better and better. I'm really coward at rhyme - much prefer it a little looser. The subject of suicide is incredibly difficult, and I think you managed to make it seem so very real. Very nicely penned.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2012
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What a sad poem, that is very well written. Jo, I think your rhyming is getting better and better. I'm really coward at rhyme - much prefer it a little looser. The subject of suicide is incredibly difficult, and I think you managed to make it seem so very real. Very nicely penned.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2012
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Thank you Val for your comments and kind review. Unfortunely, suicide is all too familar to our family. We have experienced it with my husband's mother, cousin, our son and now our friend and neighbor.
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Oh, I'm sorry to hear that but I believe you wrote a piece about your son a while ago. To me the worst thing about suicide is that it leaves the ones left behind feeling so helpless. Your in my thoughts.
Comment from ennahanid
How very sad this is and the picture really adds to the tragic tone of your words. A very sad state of affairs, suicide is a much needed escape from pain whilst being a very selfish act that forever will haunt those who survived him.
A very moving piece of writing - Dinah
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2012
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How very sad this is and the picture really adds to the tragic tone of your words. A very sad state of affairs, suicide is a much needed escape from pain whilst being a very selfish act that forever will haunt those who survived him.
A very moving piece of writing - Dinah
Comment Written 05-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2012
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Thank you Dinah for your generous comments and kind review. I agree with you whole heartly it is an act to escape pain but causes long lasting grief and pain for those left behind.
