Poetry, Dreams In Motion.
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Memories"A collection of poetry.
44 total reviews
Comment from auspicious76
This is a sad piece but fully understood. We should all look to the future instead of living in the past. Too many people forget this. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2007
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This is a sad piece but fully understood. We should all look to the future instead of living in the past. Too many people forget this. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2007
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2007
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Thank you
Comment from elizabethpryde
very well done. Your mother would be very proud of you, it is so full of what we have missed through our own fault. It makes one realize we only have one chance to grab our dreams and we must take it now. A real eye opener to us all.
well written....elizabethpryde
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very well done. Your mother would be very proud of you, it is so full of what we have missed through our own fault. It makes one realize we only have one chance to grab our dreams and we must take it now. A real eye opener to us all.
well written....elizabethpryde
Comment Written 21-Mar-2005
Comment from A. Cody
I like your style of writing and the point was so very clear in the verses of this poem. I believe that you did a great job of getting the message across about lifes journey. You had many good examples of how we learn from the past, and have to move on toward the future. Good job.
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I like your style of writing and the point was so very clear in the verses of this poem. I believe that you did a great job of getting the message across about lifes journey. You had many good examples of how we learn from the past, and have to move on toward the future. Good job.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2005
Comment from Focused True North
A lot of wisdom is coming through with this writing which is a tribute to your mother. Time is a precious thing and we all need to hold it dear...and that means whatever time is left should not be wasted by filling it with regrets for the past because that only clouds the joy of any tomorrows yet to be.
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A lot of wisdom is coming through with this writing which is a tribute to your mother. Time is a precious thing and we all need to hold it dear...and that means whatever time is left should not be wasted by filling it with regrets for the past because that only clouds the joy of any tomorrows yet to be.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2005
Comment from Llyara d'Avarlith
I went back and forth on the rating for this, but finally landed here because there were a number of major issues I had with the poem, though I loved its message and thought some of the lines were outstanding. If you go through and make changes to some of the bigger issues, PM me and I will very happily revise this upward - a 4 with little effort, and easily a 5 if you address the key issues.
The plusses:
I love the voice you have used in this poem (the address to another person) and I love the messages delivered. It is at once intimate and chatty, prose and poetry. A very conversational tone.
And you have some absolutely stellar lines that trip beautifully off the tongue. I think many of those are helped by your repeated structures, internal rhymes, onomatopoeia, and assonance/consonance. Some fabulous examples:
You laugh despite the bitter sorrows, buried deep within all those tomorrows... -or- ...despite the sorrows of all your bitter tomorrows...
I've walked those streets of could have been's and possibilities...
...there were other sights to see, hopes to hold, loves to be had, and so many other dreams...
...no answer exists that can ever win back the time you missed...
...for tomorrow[']s uncertain and yesterday's gone and a memory's only as good as the things you have done...
These are truly fabulous in every respect - sentiment, message, imagery, flow, wording... Love them.
However, the very first example illustrates, for me, what one of the two major flaws in the poem are - repetition. While repetition can be a very good thing in poetry, it has to be handled carefully and its placement has to be just right. With the exception of a beginning/end repetition in which the second instance has a different meaning than the initial one, structured poetry tends to make the best use of repetition (at least in my opinion). It is much harder to use it well in free form.
And, if you are going to use repetition that is same-word usage, I think a single repetitive image is best. Too many and the whole piece just feels like the poet is repeating themselves - particularly when a message/moral is involved. Repetition becomes in danger of being preachy.
You had a number of repeated thoughts/word choices:
* the sorrows/tomorrows line illustrated above (those two show it used almost identically in two spots, and in a third you use it again, though broken up in two different areas of the poem)
* the "could have been, should have been, would have been, would be, etc" type phrases, which are used numerous times
* shattered dreams/broken dreams/other dreams
* memories/memories
I think this poem would be immeasurably strengthen by some culling. Simplify, pick the strongest of the repetitive images (or change the language of one as you did with haze/daze) so the idea is expressed differently. Pick one single repetition to carry throughout or at the beginning/end. Try to let each repetition help progress the "story" - show how it grows/builds.
I think if you streamlined this - pulled out the more mundane language (and the repetition) - you could have an absolutely stellar poem, rich in language and texture, and with a deeper meaning/moral.
The second big issue I had was with the formatting. It is more prose than poetry - almost a piece of micro/flash fiction. I think moving it into a more standard poetic format (not structured necessarily, just with shorter lines and more carefully chosen line breaks) would strengthen its feeling and make it easier on the eyes for the reader.
Also, a couple of typos:
by gone days bygone days
for tomorrows uncertain and yesterday's gone for tommorow's uncertain and yesterday's gone
All in all, I really did enjoy this and I think it has the potential to be truly great. I just think you have another pass through editing in order to make it so.
If you give it a whirl, let me know and I will take another look through. (and as always, this is only my personal opinion, to be taken or left as you see fit - only you know where you were going with this, or where you want it to stay)
--Llyara
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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I went back and forth on the rating for this, but finally landed here because there were a number of major issues I had with the poem, though I loved its message and thought some of the lines were outstanding. If you go through and make changes to some of the bigger issues, PM me and I will very happily revise this upward - a 4 with little effort, and easily a 5 if you address the key issues.
The plusses:
I love the voice you have used in this poem (the address to another person) and I love the messages delivered. It is at once intimate and chatty, prose and poetry. A very conversational tone.
And you have some absolutely stellar lines that trip beautifully off the tongue. I think many of those are helped by your repeated structures, internal rhymes, onomatopoeia, and assonance/consonance. Some fabulous examples:
You laugh despite the bitter sorrows, buried deep within all those tomorrows... -or- ...despite the sorrows of all your bitter tomorrows...
I've walked those streets of could have been's and possibilities...
...there were other sights to see, hopes to hold, loves to be had, and so many other dreams...
...no answer exists that can ever win back the time you missed...
...for tomorrow[']s uncertain and yesterday's gone and a memory's only as good as the things you have done...
These are truly fabulous in every respect - sentiment, message, imagery, flow, wording... Love them.
However, the very first example illustrates, for me, what one of the two major flaws in the poem are - repetition. While repetition can be a very good thing in poetry, it has to be handled carefully and its placement has to be just right. With the exception of a beginning/end repetition in which the second instance has a different meaning than the initial one, structured poetry tends to make the best use of repetition (at least in my opinion). It is much harder to use it well in free form.
And, if you are going to use repetition that is same-word usage, I think a single repetitive image is best. Too many and the whole piece just feels like the poet is repeating themselves - particularly when a message/moral is involved. Repetition becomes in danger of being preachy.
You had a number of repeated thoughts/word choices:
* the sorrows/tomorrows line illustrated above (those two show it used almost identically in two spots, and in a third you use it again, though broken up in two different areas of the poem)
* the "could have been, should have been, would have been, would be, etc" type phrases, which are used numerous times
* shattered dreams/broken dreams/other dreams
* memories/memories
I think this poem would be immeasurably strengthen by some culling. Simplify, pick the strongest of the repetitive images (or change the language of one as you did with haze/daze) so the idea is expressed differently. Pick one single repetition to carry throughout or at the beginning/end. Try to let each repetition help progress the "story" - show how it grows/builds.
I think if you streamlined this - pulled out the more mundane language (and the repetition) - you could have an absolutely stellar poem, rich in language and texture, and with a deeper meaning/moral.
The second big issue I had was with the formatting. It is more prose than poetry - almost a piece of micro/flash fiction. I think moving it into a more standard poetic format (not structured necessarily, just with shorter lines and more carefully chosen line breaks) would strengthen its feeling and make it easier on the eyes for the reader.
Also, a couple of typos:
by gone days bygone days
for tomorrows uncertain and yesterday's gone for tommorow's uncertain and yesterday's gone
All in all, I really did enjoy this and I think it has the potential to be truly great. I just think you have another pass through editing in order to make it so.
If you give it a whirl, let me know and I will take another look through. (and as always, this is only my personal opinion, to be taken or left as you see fit - only you know where you were going with this, or where you want it to stay)
--Llyara
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2005
Comment from Nescher Pyscher
reliving by gone(bygone) days and the
The irony isn't lost to me, no(comma) not me,
day, for tomorrows (tomorrow's)
uncertain and yesterday's
I HATED the way you've got this laid out. It was a distraction, and it made me CRAZY. :0D
I liked your premise. It came across as being nicely frustrated with the way you saw her living her life.
I'm gonna go with a four here.
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reliving by gone(bygone) days and the
The irony isn't lost to me, no(comma) not me,
day, for tomorrows (tomorrow's)
uncertain and yesterday's
I HATED the way you've got this laid out. It was a distraction, and it made me CRAZY. :0D
I liked your premise. It came across as being nicely frustrated with the way you saw her living her life.
I'm gonna go with a four here.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2005
Comment from Storyteller 27
Wow! now THIS is poetry! One of the best I've read this week!
-Pre-determined, pre-ordained, destiny or fate, it's all the same; -
-Life is full of ups and downs and broken dreams, could have been's,
would have been's, and numerous other things. -
These lines just rang joyfully in my head... as depressing as they were! I love the wordplay in this, and will be reading more of your stuff.
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Wow! now THIS is poetry! One of the best I've read this week!
-Pre-determined, pre-ordained, destiny or fate, it's all the same; -
-Life is full of ups and downs and broken dreams, could have been's,
would have been's, and numerous other things. -
These lines just rang joyfully in my head... as depressing as they were! I love the wordplay in this, and will be reading more of your stuff.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2005
Comment from Victoreahh
Your poem speaks such truth. The gift is being able to learn from the past, apply the lessons to being a wiser and more seasoned person as you move forward in life. I like how your poem spells it out in simple terms. Amen!
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Your poem speaks such truth. The gift is being able to learn from the past, apply the lessons to being a wiser and more seasoned person as you move forward in life. I like how your poem spells it out in simple terms. Amen!
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
Comment from Balladeer
A very heart felt tribute to you mother! I felt that the flow and meter were
pleasurable and felt most warmed up inside by you sentiments; Peace
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A very heart felt tribute to you mother! I felt that the flow and meter were
pleasurable and felt most warmed up inside by you sentiments; Peace
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
Comment from Vennan
This is a fine piece, conversational and wise. But there are a number of small technical tweaks you may want to consider:
---------
You wrote: by gone days
You need: bygone days
-----------
You wrote: of hope filled promises
You need: of hope-filled promises
This is a compound adjective, so it needs the hyphen.
------------
You wrote: The irony isn't lost to me
You need: The irony isn't lost on me
-------------
You wrote:
could have
been's and
I suggest:
could-have-
beens and
--------------
You wrote:
could have been's,
would have been's,
I suggest:
could-have-beens,
would-have-beens,
---------------
You wrote: become pointless you see,
I suggest: become pointless, you see,
------------
You wrote:
for tomorrows
uncertain
You need:
for tomorrow's
uncertain
------------
All the best,
Vennan
|
This is a fine piece, conversational and wise. But there are a number of small technical tweaks you may want to consider:
---------
You wrote: by gone days
You need: bygone days
-----------
You wrote: of hope filled promises
You need: of hope-filled promises
This is a compound adjective, so it needs the hyphen.
------------
You wrote: The irony isn't lost to me
You need: The irony isn't lost on me
-------------
You wrote:
could have
been's and
I suggest:
could-have-
beens and
--------------
You wrote:
could have been's,
would have been's,
I suggest:
could-have-beens,
would-have-beens,
---------------
You wrote: become pointless you see,
I suggest: become pointless, you see,
------------
You wrote:
for tomorrows
uncertain
You need:
for tomorrow's
uncertain
------------
All the best,
Vennan
Comment Written 25-Feb-2005
