black toy
haiku (african haiku)7 total reviews
Comment from despiser
A unique entry. Kinda choppy but hey - poetic license. Hmmm the author notes don't do much to clarify, actually they sound like an extension of the poem. But you have written what you felt and that's what poetry is all about.
good luck in the contest.
-D
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
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A unique entry. Kinda choppy but hey - poetic license. Hmmm the author notes don't do much to clarify, actually they sound like an extension of the poem. But you have written what you felt and that's what poetry is all about.
good luck in the contest.
-D
Comment Written 09-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
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Thank you
Comment from ScarletClearwater
Thank you for your author notes. I would have been lost without them in this abstract piece. It was a very nice short. great job!
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
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Thank you for your author notes. I would have been lost without them in this abstract piece. It was a very nice short. great job!
Comment Written 09-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2012
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Thank you
Comment from Chris Davis
I know there is an explanation of the meaning in the author notes but it seems a bit confusing to me still. Perhaps it is a language barrier type issue? Also, the syllable count is off; the last line has 6 instead of 5 syllables; maybe drop the 'dear'? Good luck in the contest. :)
reply by the author on 26-May-2012
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I know there is an explanation of the meaning in the author notes but it seems a bit confusing to me still. Perhaps it is a language barrier type issue? Also, the syllable count is off; the last line has 6 instead of 5 syllables; maybe drop the 'dear'? Good luck in the contest. :)
Comment Written 26-May-2012
reply by the author on 26-May-2012
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chris davis,thank you it was typing error ,i love to be with people like you thanks for the last line,but according to this poem,you know my description says afrik haiku ,so thank you.read it again and i will like to hear from you
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Yes, it fixes the syllable count, and I did see that it was afrik, which was why I felt it was likely a language barrier issue from that respect. It can be hard to find the connection when there are language differences and cultural differences. Maybe there is a word that means crucify or something like it that has less syllables and you can put the 'dear' back in. It just doesn't quite flow the way one would want. That is only my opinion though and if you are happy with it that is most important. :) ~Chris
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yes i m happy with it chris , you re good thank you very much
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:)
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crucify is the right word that i want to be there,thank you chris
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Well, then... since you are within the syllable count I am going to go and change the rating I gave since with poetry it is really only fair to give a 'needs improvement' 4 star rating based on technicalities. Poems are too emotional to rate needing improvement for any other reason. Take care. :)
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chris thats why i name it black toy,the poet is afraid of crucify(criticism),thanks chris
Comment from cvcopac
Mysterious and illusive imagery at work in this tiny 5/7/5 and I like it. I feel the center and it has all the trappings of a great Haiku except for the absence of a kigo. It translates a truth. I believe the key word here is "ju-ju" which I judge from your notes to be a pen, phallic in it's metaphor.
reply by the author on 26-May-2012
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Mysterious and illusive imagery at work in this tiny 5/7/5 and I like it. I feel the center and it has all the trappings of a great Haiku except for the absence of a kigo. It translates a truth. I believe the key word here is "ju-ju" which I judge from your notes to be a pen, phallic in it's metaphor.
Comment Written 26-May-2012
reply by the author on 26-May-2012
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thank you juju is the way magical it work,toy is pen thank you
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Very original.
Comment from originalgentleman
The way you kept within the writing guidline shows professionalism in your witing. I like what you did, keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 26-May-2012
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The way you kept within the writing guidline shows professionalism in your witing. I like what you did, keep up the good work.
Comment Written 26-May-2012
reply by the author on 26-May-2012
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THANK YOU
Comment from reconciled
Hey there buddy how are ya? well, its five seven five fore sure...but a lol not really sure what it means. You might need to clear it up bit. love Mike
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Hey there buddy how are ya? well, its five seven five fore sure...but a lol not really sure what it means. You might need to clear it up bit. love Mike
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Read the description,thank u
Comment from Liilia
Although at first read, the Haiku was a bit obscure, although I could feel a mysterious intensity. After the author comments, I was delighted to find so much meaning - the answer I had been seeking about how much power to give or not to give critics. Who indeed, can fault the pen in the hand of the poet, that brings forth the marks on paper, coming from the source of a human being? To me, any such effort, by its very nature, is wonderful. What is the motive to write? That, indeed, is the question. Your Haiku is pure - it has a pure motive. That is the only valid thing and really above any input other than to absorb and find that you have just touched the soul of another human being. Love the idea of nature philosophy. It's about time to put some real life and breath into the dry world of word games that philosophy so often expresses. Thanks for a fabulous Haiku, in the spirit of the old masters.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Although at first read, the Haiku was a bit obscure, although I could feel a mysterious intensity. After the author comments, I was delighted to find so much meaning - the answer I had been seeking about how much power to give or not to give critics. Who indeed, can fault the pen in the hand of the poet, that brings forth the marks on paper, coming from the source of a human being? To me, any such effort, by its very nature, is wonderful. What is the motive to write? That, indeed, is the question. Your Haiku is pure - it has a pure motive. That is the only valid thing and really above any input other than to absorb and find that you have just touched the soul of another human being. Love the idea of nature philosophy. It's about time to put some real life and breath into the dry world of word games that philosophy so often expresses. Thanks for a fabulous Haiku, in the spirit of the old masters.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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thank you lilian
