Jerry Jing-Jang Comes to Town
A cowboy tale74 total reviews
Comment from Sloegin
Cindy you did a great job with this. I hope you have a plan to get it published. (I never write anything wiyhout a goal in mind)
YOur rhyming is teriffic and you choice of words couldn't be better.
I think this must be the toughest type of writing to do; tell a story and make it rhyme and still have a beginning, middle and an end.
Is there anyway you can sneak in a line about cowboy's traps?
Keep writing.
Sloegin
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Cindy you did a great job with this. I hope you have a plan to get it published. (I never write anything wiyhout a goal in mind)
YOur rhyming is teriffic and you choice of words couldn't be better.
I think this must be the toughest type of writing to do; tell a story and make it rhyme and still have a beginning, middle and an end.
Is there anyway you can sneak in a line about cowboy's traps?
Keep writing.
Sloegin
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll see if I can come up with a couple of lines about the cowboy's traps. I visualized them as some kind of hidden ropes. Jerry Jing-Jang is clever, but he's a cowboy, not an inventor. Thanks for this great review. Glad you like the story.
Comment from Anisa-
Hah, this was fantastic! I love western style writing. Especially this sort of super rhymed good guy/bad guy type thing. It's especially cool because this is a character you heard about as a child! I'd bet your dad would be pretty happy to hear your carrying on the tradition.
Well done.
Anisa
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Hah, this was fantastic! I love western style writing. Especially this sort of super rhymed good guy/bad guy type thing. It's especially cool because this is a character you heard about as a child! I'd bet your dad would be pretty happy to hear your carrying on the tradition.
Well done.
Anisa
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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My Dad loves it. He's nearly 80 now and he's thrilled I'm writing his stories for future generations. I'm thrilled because my fans love it. Thanks for this great review.
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You're welcome and that's awesome :)
A
Comment from RalphNater
This is a great story. So well written and leaves wanting to read more of Jerry Jing-Jang. Very imaginative of your father.
Outlaws who have been drinking beer
Don't always manage to think very clear.
haha
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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This is a great story. So well written and leaves wanting to read more of Jerry Jing-Jang. Very imaginative of your father.
Outlaws who have been drinking beer
Don't always manage to think very clear.
haha
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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You can check out 'Jerry Jing-Jang and the Cattle Rustlers' in my portfolio. I plan to write more. Thanks for this great review.
Comment from burneymac29
Great story! I love westerns and this poem is in the classic western format as far as storyline and content. Great flow and rythm with each line.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Great story! I love westerns and this poem is in the classic western format as far as storyline and content. Great flow and rythm with each line.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thanks for the six! You can check out Jerry Jing-Jang and the Cattle Rustlers' in my portfolio if you like. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from guinea
A great write. Jerry JJing Jang is quite a character. Sounds like a good childrens book. Flows nicely my friend. Go for it. God bless.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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A great write. Jerry JJing Jang is quite a character. Sounds like a good childrens book. Flows nicely my friend. Go for it. God bless.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Glad you liked it. Thanks for the great review.
Comment from PoesyPoet
I thought this was a really great story that held my interest to the end.
Although the rhymes were amazing, your meter, (in order to make the poem read smoothly when read out loud) was off in places. I think you can easily fix the issue by making your lines EITHER 8, 9, 10 syllables instead of having a combination of all three. To make it flow better, you'd need to be consistent in the poem's meter.
It's my opinion to replace "he'd need his brains..." with he'd USE his brains..."
I really like the story and strongly suggest working on the meter to make this the A++ poem it can be. PP
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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I thought this was a really great story that held my interest to the end.
Although the rhymes were amazing, your meter, (in order to make the poem read smoothly when read out loud) was off in places. I think you can easily fix the issue by making your lines EITHER 8, 9, 10 syllables instead of having a combination of all three. To make it flow better, you'd need to be consistent in the poem's meter.
It's my opinion to replace "he'd need his brains..." with he'd USE his brains..."
I really like the story and strongly suggest working on the meter to make this the A++ poem it can be. PP
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Glad you liked the story. I'll work on the flow.
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very humorous read. You have the makings for a new hero of the younger set.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very humorous read. You have the makings for a new hero of the younger set.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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The kids love it. Thanks for the great review.
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You're welcome, Cindy. Charlie
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Out the back the barkeep did scoot
Out the back DID the barkeep scoot << Move the word DID to correct the awkward rhythm in this line.
Brash and bold, they learned to late << TOO, not TO
This is superbly done with clever lines. You will want to fix those two errors right away, I'm sure, so I will go ahead and award the "flawless five" trusting you to do so. :)
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Out the back the barkeep did scoot
Out the back DID the barkeep scoot << Move the word DID to correct the awkward rhythm in this line.
Brash and bold, they learned to late << TOO, not TO
This is superbly done with clever lines. You will want to fix those two errors right away, I'm sure, so I will go ahead and award the "flawless five" trusting you to do so. :)
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thanks for catching that. It's fixed now. I'm so glad you enjoyed my poem.
Comment from kiwisteveh
The humorous name, regular rhyming and simple language make this suitable for narrating to children who would enjoy the adventures of the brave Jerry Jing Jang.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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The humorous name, regular rhyming and simple language make this suitable for narrating to children who would enjoy the adventures of the brave Jerry Jing Jang.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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His real name is Gerry, but I changed the first letter to make it easier for kids to sound out. The Jing-Jang part he made up himself. As for his adventures, well...they make great stories for kids.
Comment from poetstar
I love cowboy stories and Jerry Jing Jang is no exception. I liked the happy ending that Jerry Jing Jang earned that sheriff's pay. Lines I enjoyed a lot are AT THE RODEO OR ON
THE TRAIL, JERRY JING JANG DID NOT FAIL. All your lines are great. Vonnie/Poetstar
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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I love cowboy stories and Jerry Jing Jang is no exception. I liked the happy ending that Jerry Jing Jang earned that sheriff's pay. Lines I enjoyed a lot are AT THE RODEO OR ON
THE TRAIL, JERRY JING JANG DID NOT FAIL. All your lines are great. Vonnie/Poetstar
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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I'm glad you liked it. You can check out 'Jerry Jing-Jang and the Cattle Rustlers' in my portfolio if you like. Thanks for this great review.
