The Heir Apparent
Viewing comments for Chapter 50 "James and Angela"A family learns their father is a serial killer
22 total reviews
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Valerie:)
I am happy to see that you're writing more. I hope your health is improving.
This is a positive chapter as the healing process has started for the whole family. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. Physical therapy had already been scheduled to assist her [is ==> in] learning how to walk on her mechanical foot. {A typo?}
2. Full of [vinigar ==> vinegar] she made it clear she did not want me calling her grandmother; it was too formal. She [prefered bunica ==> preferred Bunica. {Spelling and capitalization.}
3. Angela always seemed to read my mind and did her best to reassure me. "James, you have to stop blaming yourself for escaping your father's wrath. If you want my opinion, which I am sure you don't, I think he was [afaid ==> afraid] of you." {A typo?}
"Why would he be afraid of me?"
"Your father was successful at pretty much every thing he did, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never match your intellect. James, you are destined for great things. You are the one who will be remembered. In time he will fade into dust like so many sick killers before him." {Great dialog that displays Bunica's intellect better than just having James tell about it.}
4. I like James' reasons for changing his PhD to [Criminalogy ==> Criminology] and Behavioral Science. {Spelling. I also think the course names do not need to be capitalized in this usage.}
5. "We are just friends; don't get ahead of yourself." My heart continued pounding and my brain was spinning. I had just spent three months of my life going through hell and suddenly the world didn't seem like such a dark and ugly place. Rachael was beautiful, really beautiful and she wanted to spend time with me. Life just couldn't get any better than that. {How great for James to have a girlfriend who knows and understands the family history. Ah young love can overcome almost anything.}
This is a really good chapter with only some slight errors. I am pleased to see the story starting to wind down. I still see it as a first rate movie.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Hi Valerie:)
I am happy to see that you're writing more. I hope your health is improving.
This is a positive chapter as the healing process has started for the whole family. As usual, I have some specific comments:
1. Physical therapy had already been scheduled to assist her [is ==> in] learning how to walk on her mechanical foot. {A typo?}
2. Full of [vinigar ==> vinegar] she made it clear she did not want me calling her grandmother; it was too formal. She [prefered bunica ==> preferred Bunica. {Spelling and capitalization.}
3. Angela always seemed to read my mind and did her best to reassure me. "James, you have to stop blaming yourself for escaping your father's wrath. If you want my opinion, which I am sure you don't, I think he was [afaid ==> afraid] of you." {A typo?}
"Why would he be afraid of me?"
"Your father was successful at pretty much every thing he did, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never match your intellect. James, you are destined for great things. You are the one who will be remembered. In time he will fade into dust like so many sick killers before him." {Great dialog that displays Bunica's intellect better than just having James tell about it.}
4. I like James' reasons for changing his PhD to [Criminalogy ==> Criminology] and Behavioral Science. {Spelling. I also think the course names do not need to be capitalized in this usage.}
5. "We are just friends; don't get ahead of yourself." My heart continued pounding and my brain was spinning. I had just spent three months of my life going through hell and suddenly the world didn't seem like such a dark and ugly place. Rachael was beautiful, really beautiful and she wanted to spend time with me. Life just couldn't get any better than that. {How great for James to have a girlfriend who knows and understands the family history. Ah young love can overcome almost anything.}
This is a really good chapter with only some slight errors. I am pleased to see the story starting to wind down. I still see it as a first rate movie.
Love and Irish Hugs,
Roger
Comment Written 17-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you so much. No excuses, but seeing double is a pain in the you know what!
Comment from Kathryn Varuzza
Hello,
I am happy for James about Rachael.
An interesting chapter.
Good descriptions.
Good dialogue.
I like how you end the chapter always making me want to know what is coming next.
Check the 2nd paragraph for spags: 4th line: is should be in
7th line: vinigar should be vinegar and in the last line of that paragraph bunica the B should be a capital B.
Great job.
Katie
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Hello,
I am happy for James about Rachael.
An interesting chapter.
Good descriptions.
Good dialogue.
I like how you end the chapter always making me want to know what is coming next.
Check the 2nd paragraph for spags: 4th line: is should be in
7th line: vinigar should be vinegar and in the last line of that paragraph bunica the B should be a capital B.
Great job.
Katie
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thanks for catching the spaqs. I sincerely appreciate it.
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You're welcome.
Katie
Comment from barbara.wilkey
There are so many good things coming out of the horrors this man committed on society. You are doing a wonderful job with novel. My prayers are with you.
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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There are so many good things coming out of the horrors this man committed on society. You are doing a wonderful job with novel. My prayers are with you.
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thank you so much. I thought it was about time James got a a break.
Comment from fictionwriter
I've missed out on most of this, is it the ending of The crack in the Mirror? Or and entirely new story. Being away really is a bother. Great job.
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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I've missed out on most of this, is it the ending of The crack in the Mirror? Or and entirely new story. Being away really is a bother. Great job.
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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It is the original Crack in the Mirror with many, many major changes.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
2nd paragraph... 4th line... assist her (is) [in] learning how to walk...
Re-read paragraph 4.
3rd line paragraph 5: ... seemed to [read] (reading)
Paragraph 15...3rd line... why people make the choices the[y] make.
last paragraph (1st word) 'spend' should be 'spent'
It is such a relief to see his grandmother on the mend and over the worst of the operation... and finding some happiness with Rachel. I'm still loving the story.
Giddy
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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2nd paragraph... 4th line... assist her (is) [in] learning how to walk...
Re-read paragraph 4.
3rd line paragraph 5: ... seemed to [read] (reading)
Paragraph 15...3rd line... why people make the choices the[y] make.
last paragraph (1st word) 'spend' should be 'spent'
It is such a relief to see his grandmother on the mend and over the worst of the operation... and finding some happiness with Rachel. I'm still loving the story.
Giddy
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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I am having quite a problem with my sight and with my typing. I am thinking of taking a day or so off to relax the brain cells.
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I'm also having trouble with my eyes. Sometimes I have to take a whole day off or a few hours, just to get rid of the headaches. G
Comment from Joan E.
Yes, it is endearing how close Angela and Grandmother have become. I was surprised by the unexpected pain Grandmother's surgery entailed--it adds another example of her endurance. It is also fascinating to note how she and James share "intellect" genes. -Joan
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Yes, it is endearing how close Angela and Grandmother have become. I was surprised by the unexpected pain Grandmother's surgery entailed--it adds another example of her endurance. It is also fascinating to note how she and James share "intellect" genes. -Joan
Comment Written 15-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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I am pleased you found that sweet.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Sasha,
Check out the line below as I think you mean 'in' instead of 'is.
scheduled to assist her is
I don't know why anyone would complain about the large font but there are those who would complain if they were hung with a new rope and you have no need to apologize. Grandmother must be pretty intelligent as she picks up on learning new things so quickly. I agree with James about what he wants to be, if anyone could understand a serial killer he would. I am glad Rachael called him and asked to meet him. I hope it works out for both of them. Hope you are feeling okay. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Hi Sasha,
Check out the line below as I think you mean 'in' instead of 'is.
scheduled to assist her is
I don't know why anyone would complain about the large font but there are those who would complain if they were hung with a new rope and you have no need to apologize. Grandmother must be pretty intelligent as she picks up on learning new things so quickly. I agree with James about what he wants to be, if anyone could understand a serial killer he would. I am glad Rachael called him and asked to meet him. I hope it works out for both of them. Hope you are feeling okay. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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I am having quite a problem with my sight and with my typing. I am thinking of taking a day or so off to relax the brain cells.
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You should take some time to rest. Sorry abut your sight being bad. Do you know what is causing it? Hugs, chey
Comment from Alaskastory
'Rachael' is a chapter that brings us close to knowing how James is growing and adjusting to the drastic change in his life.
quotes on these titles and also on 'Laura Years': they had read[.] (")On the Way h(H)ome("), (")West from Home(") and (")A little House Traveler(").
correct spent: 'I had just spend(spent) three months..'
Well done chapter, Sasha.
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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'Rachael' is a chapter that brings us close to knowing how James is growing and adjusting to the drastic change in his life.
quotes on these titles and also on 'Laura Years': they had read[.] (")On the Way h(H)ome("), (")West from Home(") and (")A little House Traveler(").
correct spent: 'I had just spend(spent) three months..'
Well done chapter, Sasha.
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thanks for catching the spags and I am pleased you liked this one.
Comment from rtobaygo
GOOD CRISP DIALOGUE BETWEEN FRIENDS. THE NARRATIVE IN THE CHAPTER'S BEGINNING EXPLAINED WHY GRANDMOTHER COULD LEARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SO QUICKLY, BECAUSE SHE POSSESSED THE MENTAL FACILITIES OF JAMES. SHORT CHAPTER BUT WELL-CONSTRUCTED. ANOTHER GOOD JOB
TAKE CARE,
RAY
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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GOOD CRISP DIALOGUE BETWEEN FRIENDS. THE NARRATIVE IN THE CHAPTER'S BEGINNING EXPLAINED WHY GRANDMOTHER COULD LEARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE SO QUICKLY, BECAUSE SHE POSSESSED THE MENTAL FACILITIES OF JAMES. SHORT CHAPTER BUT WELL-CONSTRUCTED. ANOTHER GOOD JOB
TAKE CARE,
RAY
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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Thanks so very much.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I thoroughly enjoyed this, Sasha.. the dialogue flowed so naturally between James and Angela... and now, James has a date... he deserves a little sunshine in his life.
to assist her [is](in) learning - in
but [we all] planned to be - since you started this sentence with "We all" you might consider losing the second -- simply ... but planned to be
Within a week they had read[.](:)
overpass and [walk] across - as you've used "walk" earlier in this sentence, no need for the second.
campus desplays - displays
moments of sadness(,) reminding me - add comma
always seemed to read[ng] my mind - read
challenge to accomplish.(")
what are your plans?(") - and move the next line down a space
why people do what they do[?](.) Why they make the choices the(y) make[?](.) Sasha, I read these as statements as what he wants to do, not questions.... also add "y" on they.
Also the 2 following lines are what he is stating not asking, surely!! Sorry if I'm misunderstanding, my friend..
Still screeining - screening
hesitatated - hesitated
ahead of yourself.(")
I had just spend - spent
Margaret
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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I thoroughly enjoyed this, Sasha.. the dialogue flowed so naturally between James and Angela... and now, James has a date... he deserves a little sunshine in his life.
to assist her [is](in) learning - in
but [we all] planned to be - since you started this sentence with "We all" you might consider losing the second -- simply ... but planned to be
Within a week they had read[.](:)
overpass and [walk] across - as you've used "walk" earlier in this sentence, no need for the second.
campus desplays - displays
moments of sadness(,) reminding me - add comma
always seemed to read[ng] my mind - read
challenge to accomplish.(")
what are your plans?(") - and move the next line down a space
why people do what they do[?](.) Why they make the choices the(y) make[?](.) Sasha, I read these as statements as what he wants to do, not questions.... also add "y" on they.
Also the 2 following lines are what he is stating not asking, surely!! Sorry if I'm misunderstanding, my friend..
Still screeining - screening
hesitatated - hesitated
ahead of yourself.(")
I had just spend - spent
Margaret
Comment Written 14-May-2012
reply by the author on 15-May-2012
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I am having a teerible time lately with my sight and my typing. I am thinking about takeing a few days off to relax my brain cells.
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do just that, my friend - relax. M
