Trail of Shadows
plea for help from an unusual source17 total reviews
Comment from ajdevore
I really loved the lyrical style of your first few paragraphs. For me, just for me, the structure of the rest doesn't work. It seems unnecessarily convoluted. Of course this is a contest with that pesky 500 word limit and you'd probably do it differently were that not the case. Never the less, given the restrictions you might consider a straight forward approach starting with "when a bright flash at the edge of the vision ... and explain right there that this wasn't a surprise, it was another lost soul needing help. Explain that she's a medium, then go back to "The only clear image this time was of a brown etc. and end the way you did with the last sentence.
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
  |
I really loved the lyrical style of your first few paragraphs. For me, just for me, the structure of the rest doesn't work. It seems unnecessarily convoluted. Of course this is a contest with that pesky 500 word limit and you'd probably do it differently were that not the case. Never the less, given the restrictions you might consider a straight forward approach starting with "when a bright flash at the edge of the vision ... and explain right there that this wasn't a surprise, it was another lost soul needing help. Explain that she's a medium, then go back to "The only clear image this time was of a brown etc. and end the way you did with the last sentence.
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
-
Thank you for the great advice. I will certainly consider all the suggestions you have made! And thanks for sharing your insights. :0)
Comment from Joan E.
I am not a fan of the supernatural, but you had me at the fresh "bankrupt cells"! I was intrigued by the "robin" mirroring Piper's movements and particularly liked the "psychic road map" description. -Joan
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
|
I am not a fan of the supernatural, but you had me at the fresh "bankrupt cells"! I was intrigued by the "robin" mirroring Piper's movements and particularly liked the "psychic road map" description. -Joan
Comment Written 06-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
-
Thank you so much for this generous review!
Comment from missy98writer
Author,
Your character, Piper, is a psychic with a secret. Your 437 word first page story is splendidly written with strong imagery. I enjoy your great narrative voice and excellent detailed writing. In 437 words you managed to establish a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your tale. I wish you good luck in the
The First Page writing prompt contest. I would recommend story to other reviewers. The art work is funky you used. Nice day to you & that's my review.
Missy.
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
|
Author,
Your character, Piper, is a psychic with a secret. Your 437 word first page story is splendidly written with strong imagery. I enjoy your great narrative voice and excellent detailed writing. In 437 words you managed to establish a setting, conflict, and a resolution to your tale. I wish you good luck in the
The First Page writing prompt contest. I would recommend story to other reviewers. The art work is funky you used. Nice day to you & that's my review.
Missy.
Comment Written 05-May-2012
reply by the author on 06-May-2012
-
Thank you so much for your excellent review. I appreciate the support, missy98writer. :0)
Comment from highlander104
Good start for your novel. You have left the reader wanting to continue on to the next page, and, hopefully more pages. This also sounds like a very unusual story with a psychic as your main character. Interesting.
Good luck in the contest, this looks like a good one!
Jean K.
reply by the author on 05-May-2012
|
Good start for your novel. You have left the reader wanting to continue on to the next page, and, hopefully more pages. This also sounds like a very unusual story with a psychic as your main character. Interesting.
Good luck in the contest, this looks like a good one!
Jean K.
Comment Written 05-May-2012
reply by the author on 05-May-2012
-
Thank you very kindly, Jean. I really appreciate your interest and great review. :0)
Comment from Glasstruth
A very exciting and mysterious start for a first page. It's got everything going for it. The first page is always important, a reader already forma an opinion. Well done. Good luck with the prompt. Les
reply by the author on 05-May-2012
|
A very exciting and mysterious start for a first page. It's got everything going for it. The first page is always important, a reader already forma an opinion. Well done. Good luck with the prompt. Les
Comment Written 05-May-2012
reply by the author on 05-May-2012
-
Hi, Les. Thank you for taking time to read my entry and for your very supportive review. I also appreciate the good mojo! :0)
Comment from dportwood
Author,
Wow! The first pages of a book should leave enough unanswered questions to whet the reader's interest. You have done that remarkably well. Good work and good luck.
Duane
reply by the author on 05-May-2012
|
Author,
Wow! The first pages of a book should leave enough unanswered questions to whet the reader's interest. You have done that remarkably well. Good work and good luck.
Duane
Comment Written 05-May-2012
reply by the author on 05-May-2012
-
Thank you so much, Duane. I sure appreciate your good wishes and wonderful review. :0)
Comment from Overthehill
This is a really strong entry, beautifully written and well put together. I like your character, Piper, who has a warmth about her I found endearing. I really would like the read the rest of this tale and read a lot more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-May-2012
|
This is a really strong entry, beautifully written and well put together. I like your character, Piper, who has a warmth about her I found endearing. I really would like the read the rest of this tale and read a lot more.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-May-2012
reply by the author on 05-May-2012
-
Thank you for letting me know what you felt about my protag. That's always so helpful. So appreciate this wonderful review, oth!
:0)
