Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Iwaka Moon"Murder Mystery
47 total reviews
Comment from dportwood
Writingfundimension,
Very well written with interesting and enjoyable anecdotes of narrative and dialogue. Believable and well described. Good work.
Duane
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Writingfundimension,
Very well written with interesting and enjoyable anecdotes of narrative and dialogue. Believable and well described. Good work.
Duane
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thanks a bunch, Duane. I much appreciate your generous and supportive review. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from Connie C
I am so impressed with your writing, Bev. This story is really moving right along, making me want to read more NOW! Of course, I have to wait until you write some more, but you are holding my interest, for sure. Your use of description is so good! For example, I like how you describe the dog and how his pose is "suggestive of a satin sphinx." You have worked very well to pique my curiosity and leave me hanging--wondering about the fellow who claims to be Debra's killer. I do seem to recall in the last chapter where the killer has the pink rosary beads and if I'm remembering right, he gives them to his mother. Forgive me if I'm mistaken. I've been all over the place since I read your last posting of this story. I see no spags at all in this. Keep on writing, my friend. This is wonderful! I wish I had a sixer left for this; it is so deserving! Hugs, Connie
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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I am so impressed with your writing, Bev. This story is really moving right along, making me want to read more NOW! Of course, I have to wait until you write some more, but you are holding my interest, for sure. Your use of description is so good! For example, I like how you describe the dog and how his pose is "suggestive of a satin sphinx." You have worked very well to pique my curiosity and leave me hanging--wondering about the fellow who claims to be Debra's killer. I do seem to recall in the last chapter where the killer has the pink rosary beads and if I'm remembering right, he gives them to his mother. Forgive me if I'm mistaken. I've been all over the place since I read your last posting of this story. I see no spags at all in this. Keep on writing, my friend. This is wonderful! I wish I had a sixer left for this; it is so deserving! Hugs, Connie
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Oh, Connie, thank you so much for this wonderful, supportive review. I so appreciate you sticking with me through the story's metamorphosis. Lots of action to come! You're such a thoughtful reviewier, and always take such time to offer positive feedback. That is worth a dozen stars to me. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
You drew me into the storing by catching my attention with your vivid descriptions of the dog--"satin sphinx" is quite an image--and by portraying a priest in a personal conflict--very intriguing. Your use of dialog adds to the realism, and we want to know what happens next. -Joan
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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You drew me into the storing by catching my attention with your vivid descriptions of the dog--"satin sphinx" is quite an image--and by portraying a priest in a personal conflict--very intriguing. Your use of dialog adds to the realism, and we want to know what happens next. -Joan
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Joan, I so appreciate this wonderful and generous review. Thank you for the encouraging and positive feedback. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from guinea
Good scene. I could picture the room and could almost smell the stew. It is a great mystery to solve. I may follow your bookk along to read more. good job.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Good scene. I could picture the room and could almost smell the stew. It is a great mystery to solve. I may follow your bookk along to read more. good job.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thanks for stopping by, guinea. Glad you enjoyed the chapter, and I do hope you'll return. I do appreciate your generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thank so much, charlie!
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from barkingdog
-nice simile: already taut as piano wire.
-liquid grace of a cheetah great visual and attributes to give the Sheriff.
-this fit in so well with them just having had lunch: his troubled spirit absorbing the crumbs of deliverance the detective offered.
No doubt we can see the sheriff if you say he looks like Gary Cooper. Wow! Great choice.
Another great chapter, Bev. You cover so much which keeps the story moving.
Now, to the station ... to see what the dufus Newstead is doing to botch up the case.:)
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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-nice simile: already taut as piano wire.
-liquid grace of a cheetah great visual and attributes to give the Sheriff.
-this fit in so well with them just having had lunch: his troubled spirit absorbing the crumbs of deliverance the detective offered.
No doubt we can see the sheriff if you say he looks like Gary Cooper. Wow! Great choice.
Another great chapter, Bev. You cover so much which keeps the story moving.
Now, to the station ... to see what the dufus Newstead is doing to botch up the case.:)
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much, Ellen. I appreciate your awesome review. Yes, the 'dufus' is in for some a__ kicking. Warmest regards, Bev
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He does add that light note to your story, though. :) Good character.
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Thanks again, Ellen!
Comment from juliaSjames
Good construction of this chapter, Bev. You keep the action flowing but you leaven the darkness with pleasant homely touches such as starting off with dog Alyx and his endearing mannerisms. Loved his pause to "say grace" before eating. More than the Sheriff did before diving into his spicy stew! LOL
You brought in the description of Oleson in a remarkably natural manner. Didn't slow the write at all.
As in every good mystery, you answer one question - what was on Debra Paget's walls, while raising a host of others.
Before I suggest edits, I have a question and a follow up. I note that you name each chapter for a moon. Is there a reason apart from adding an eerie quality to the write? And why did you switch from English to Sioux descriptions? - wouldn't it be better to stay with one or the other?
Suggested edits:
"nails clicking like miniature castinets" - I think this should be spelled "castanets".
"Hello ..." Norma, the parish secretary interrupted," - "interrupted" seems a strange speech tag - did you mean "erupted"?
"They're interviewing Sheriff Oleson on the lawn of Debra Padget's home." - I doubt if she would have said, "on the lawn" - it sounds awkward and anyway she's in a rush. Probably just, "out at Debra Paget's house" or whatever idiomatic speech is preferable to you.
"To Derek, the place looked more like a funeral home than a rectory." - Meant to be funny, but I don't get the comparison. Maybe it's just me!
"It was the first time the policeman had been inside the residence, and he was grudgingly impressed with the richness of its interior." - He's not inside yet, so perhaps you should relocate this sentence.
"Even seasoned detectives, like myself, are sickened by such vicious crimes." - sounds a bit condescending. Did you mean it to be? I think he would have said something more subjective, "I've been on the Force for --- years and it still turned my stomach."
"plush primrose-colored sofa." - a yellow sofa, Bev? Doesn't fit in with a study in a well-appointed house. But that's a personal opinion.
"Carrying a lacquered mahogony tray' - perhaps a "veneered mahogany tray".
"I learned the hard way that you don't drink cold beverages to still the heat - only makes it worse." - this is absolutely true - you have to use something like bread or potato to absorb the spices.
"his troubled spirit absorbing the crumbs of deliverance" -appropriate metaphor since they've just finished eating: would it more accurate to write "crumbs of consolation"?
"pink rosary?" - Sheriff Oleson may call it that, but I think the priest can be more specific as to the composition of the rosary - rose quartz beads maybe?
"he stepped into the hallway to answer." - delete quotation marks in the text after "answer." And I suggest writing "he excused himself and stepped into the hallway ..." so as to be courteous to his host.
Not sure if "sheriff" should be capitalized when used on its own.
"Father Brian caught the gist of the situation from Sheriff's side of the conversation." - suggest "Father Brian had overheard the Sheriff's side of the conversation." and relocating to after Sheriff Oleson states his intention to leave.
Hope all these bits and pieces are helpful, Bev. They don't take away from the quality of the write since they are all suggestions except for the couple of instances of spag.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Good construction of this chapter, Bev. You keep the action flowing but you leaven the darkness with pleasant homely touches such as starting off with dog Alyx and his endearing mannerisms. Loved his pause to "say grace" before eating. More than the Sheriff did before diving into his spicy stew! LOL
You brought in the description of Oleson in a remarkably natural manner. Didn't slow the write at all.
As in every good mystery, you answer one question - what was on Debra Paget's walls, while raising a host of others.
Before I suggest edits, I have a question and a follow up. I note that you name each chapter for a moon. Is there a reason apart from adding an eerie quality to the write? And why did you switch from English to Sioux descriptions? - wouldn't it be better to stay with one or the other?
Suggested edits:
"nails clicking like miniature castinets" - I think this should be spelled "castanets".
"Hello ..." Norma, the parish secretary interrupted," - "interrupted" seems a strange speech tag - did you mean "erupted"?
"They're interviewing Sheriff Oleson on the lawn of Debra Padget's home." - I doubt if she would have said, "on the lawn" - it sounds awkward and anyway she's in a rush. Probably just, "out at Debra Paget's house" or whatever idiomatic speech is preferable to you.
"To Derek, the place looked more like a funeral home than a rectory." - Meant to be funny, but I don't get the comparison. Maybe it's just me!
"It was the first time the policeman had been inside the residence, and he was grudgingly impressed with the richness of its interior." - He's not inside yet, so perhaps you should relocate this sentence.
"Even seasoned detectives, like myself, are sickened by such vicious crimes." - sounds a bit condescending. Did you mean it to be? I think he would have said something more subjective, "I've been on the Force for --- years and it still turned my stomach."
"plush primrose-colored sofa." - a yellow sofa, Bev? Doesn't fit in with a study in a well-appointed house. But that's a personal opinion.
"Carrying a lacquered mahogony tray' - perhaps a "veneered mahogany tray".
"I learned the hard way that you don't drink cold beverages to still the heat - only makes it worse." - this is absolutely true - you have to use something like bread or potato to absorb the spices.
"his troubled spirit absorbing the crumbs of deliverance" -appropriate metaphor since they've just finished eating: would it more accurate to write "crumbs of consolation"?
"pink rosary?" - Sheriff Oleson may call it that, but I think the priest can be more specific as to the composition of the rosary - rose quartz beads maybe?
"he stepped into the hallway to answer." - delete quotation marks in the text after "answer." And I suggest writing "he excused himself and stepped into the hallway ..." so as to be courteous to his host.
Not sure if "sheriff" should be capitalized when used on its own.
"Father Brian caught the gist of the situation from Sheriff's side of the conversation." - suggest "Father Brian had overheard the Sheriff's side of the conversation." and relocating to after Sheriff Oleson states his intention to leave.
Hope all these bits and pieces are helpful, Bev. They don't take away from the quality of the write since they are all suggestions except for the couple of instances of spag.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Hello, Julia. Your thorough review and excellent suggestions are much appreciated. I will definitely consider making the suggestions you've added to your review. In answer to your question regarding the inclusion of Sioux dialect - this directly relates to the first couple of chapters where Father Brian's good friend, Tony Buday (who is a Sioux medicine man) was introducted and will re-appear in upcoming chapters. Additionally, in the first chapter, it's revealed that Father Brian's mother was Native American also. Granite Hills is an actual town in Minnesota which is on the edge of a large Sioux reservation - part of the reason I'm setting the story there. So, long explanation that I hope clears things up a bit.
Thanks again, jj.
Warm regards, Bev
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Yeah, this explanation does help my appreciation of the write, Bev. I think it's great that you're using the tribal language and introducing tribal characters. I'm a huge fan of Tony Hillerman and his Navajo crime novels. peace and blessings, julia
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Oh, one of my favorite authors of all time, jj. I'm trying to stay with what I can comfortably use of the Sioux culture through research.
I've made your suggested changes, and like how they make the chapter flow better. Thanks again! Xx Bev
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:-))
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writing fundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where the father goes home to his dog. that pet contraption sounds interesting
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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this is very well written, writing fundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where the father goes home to his dog. that pet contraption sounds interesting
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Hi, sweetwoodjax. Thanks much for your kind and generous review. The pet feeder is available for the low price of $140.00, without shipping! The housekeeper is probably right LOL. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
There is good description in this chapter, Bev. Could there be danger ahead for Father Brian? I enjoyed the part about Father Brian's dog. I am wondering if he will play a part in this story. I enjoyed reading this. :o) April
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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There is good description in this chapter, Bev. Could there be danger ahead for Father Brian? I enjoyed the part about Father Brian's dog. I am wondering if he will play a part in this story. I enjoyed reading this. :o) April
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thanks for your kind and generous review, April. I do plan to keep Alyx in the story wherever I can. Warm regards, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Animals always add something special to a story. :o)
Comment from rheabug
This is a very well written chapter in your book. All the elements were brought together in a smooth way. I loved the story line and hope to read more in the future.
Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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This is a very well written chapter in your book. All the elements were brought together in a smooth way. I loved the story line and hope to read more in the future.
Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 28-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, Linda. I really appreciate your very generous review. Much appreciate the words of support for my chapter. Lots of action to come. Warm regards, Bev
