Dark Shadows
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Dora-Max6"A collection of short stories and flash fiction
15 total reviews
Comment from Heather Wilkes
Well, overall I liked it. I liked your word usage and the overall plot, but I think that this type of story is best told in book form, where you can clearly develop the characters and expand on the events. In this form, I saw it as being a mixture between Stephen King's "The Stand", "Outbreak" and then "Dawn of the Dead." This might be avoided if you brought in some memoirs the protagonist has of people he knew that have succumbed to this disease. Maybe close friends? Colleagues? A love interest? Perhaps if you wrote it out as a diary being kept by the main character. That way you could possibly describe his exact role in the entire thing and you could create more than just a simplified short story. There were a few grammatical and spelling errors towards the beginning, as well...BEFORE he was supposedly succumbing to the disease. A very intriguing piece, but it still needs some work.
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Well, overall I liked it. I liked your word usage and the overall plot, but I think that this type of story is best told in book form, where you can clearly develop the characters and expand on the events. In this form, I saw it as being a mixture between Stephen King's "The Stand", "Outbreak" and then "Dawn of the Dead." This might be avoided if you brought in some memoirs the protagonist has of people he knew that have succumbed to this disease. Maybe close friends? Colleagues? A love interest? Perhaps if you wrote it out as a diary being kept by the main character. That way you could possibly describe his exact role in the entire thing and you could create more than just a simplified short story. There were a few grammatical and spelling errors towards the beginning, as well...BEFORE he was supposedly succumbing to the disease. A very intriguing piece, but it still needs some work.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2005
Comment from Carol Johnson
What a strong and powerful write. I could feel his horror and guilt. Wel ldone.
A couple of points.
We all have lived in fear of chemical and biological warfare but, truthfully, every nation on this earth has dabbled in it.
This, I think, isn't accurate. Chemical weapons were used in World War I and II. Biological warfare, on the other hand, is something that has been "Dabbled" in. Perhaps remove "Chemical" from this.
We burned the contaminated corpses of the animals that didn't survive our testing and, due to the alarming rate that people were dying of the Blue Death, began to administer DORA-MAX6 to the populace. Usually when a new drug or vaccine is discovered, it spends years being tested for long term effects before it is ever allowed to be used. We didn't have that luxury. For every 5 people who contracted the virus, 3 were dying. If we had spent the years required to test the vaccine, most of the human race would have long since expired. Of course, if we had taken the time, I wouldn't be writing this.
This is the critical part of the story. It feels rushed. I think, even though he is ill, there is no need to rush this. Perhaps a better way to show us this is makr it more personal. Show one person (ideally someone close to him) that is suffering through the disease. Personify it for us. That would mean breaking out into a scene. Show us what happened. We would take the knowledge (and horror) of one person and spread that out to the population.
If you just tell us - it doesn't have that close impact. We can't imagine it as easy - it's distant.
Overall well done. His feelings really came through well. This was well written overall and was an enjoyable read.
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What a strong and powerful write. I could feel his horror and guilt. Wel ldone.
A couple of points.
We all have lived in fear of chemical and biological warfare but, truthfully, every nation on this earth has dabbled in it.
This, I think, isn't accurate. Chemical weapons were used in World War I and II. Biological warfare, on the other hand, is something that has been "Dabbled" in. Perhaps remove "Chemical" from this.
We burned the contaminated corpses of the animals that didn't survive our testing and, due to the alarming rate that people were dying of the Blue Death, began to administer DORA-MAX6 to the populace. Usually when a new drug or vaccine is discovered, it spends years being tested for long term effects before it is ever allowed to be used. We didn't have that luxury. For every 5 people who contracted the virus, 3 were dying. If we had spent the years required to test the vaccine, most of the human race would have long since expired. Of course, if we had taken the time, I wouldn't be writing this.
This is the critical part of the story. It feels rushed. I think, even though he is ill, there is no need to rush this. Perhaps a better way to show us this is makr it more personal. Show one person (ideally someone close to him) that is suffering through the disease. Personify it for us. That would mean breaking out into a scene. Show us what happened. We would take the knowledge (and horror) of one person and spread that out to the population.
If you just tell us - it doesn't have that close impact. We can't imagine it as easy - it's distant.
Overall well done. His feelings really came through well. This was well written overall and was an enjoyable read.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2005
Comment from SportsChick73162
It took me a long time to read because i had to keep re reading but over all i love it. I wouldnt change or add a thing. I was thinking about entering the contest and this is close to what mine was going to be about. or at least the beginning. thanks for sharing and good luck with the contest
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It took me a long time to read because i had to keep re reading but over all i love it. I wouldnt change or add a thing. I was thinking about entering the contest and this is close to what mine was going to be about. or at least the beginning. thanks for sharing and good luck with the contest
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2005
Comment from giftsun
The moment you started the spelling errors, I knew how the story would end, simply because your author's note at the top said it was deliberate. The other thing is, how could Mr. McNamara die from asphyxiation and the police close the case then and there? No questions about what caused his asphyxiation? That's not a natural cause of death.
Instead of the spelling errors, you could have simply described how you were feeling, without letting the cat out of the bag. eg " I'm having a little trouble oncentrating...must be getting tired."
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The moment you started the spelling errors, I knew how the story would end, simply because your author's note at the top said it was deliberate. The other thing is, how could Mr. McNamara die from asphyxiation and the police close the case then and there? No questions about what caused his asphyxiation? That's not a natural cause of death.
Instead of the spelling errors, you could have simply described how you were feeling, without letting the cat out of the bag. eg " I'm having a little trouble oncentrating...must be getting tired."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2005
Comment from Tweedypie
This is certainly one hard thing to show. I'm not quite sure who this fellow is? Is he one the scientists, a doctor, no one in particular, or is he one of the living dead? Maybe you could tell exactly what happened, and have a lone survivior read this. This is just a suggestion. I have no idea how this story could be told. Good try, though, Ricouard.
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This is certainly one hard thing to show. I'm not quite sure who this fellow is? Is he one the scientists, a doctor, no one in particular, or is he one of the living dead? Maybe you could tell exactly what happened, and have a lone survivior read this. This is just a suggestion. I have no idea how this story could be told. Good try, though, Ricouard.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2005
