Soft Side
Flash Fiction - Lost Love 500 to 800 words17 total reviews
Comment from Allison78
This is really one of the best flash fictions I've read on here. Every part of it mattered. It had every range of emotion. Wonderful job on this and good luck!
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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This is really one of the best flash fictions I've read on here. Every part of it mattered. It had every range of emotion. Wonderful job on this and good luck!
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Oh, Allison you have made my day! I am so partial to this bit of flash it borders on OCD. Thank you reading it the way it was meant to be read.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
This is very well written such a sad ending two soul mates that were parted by a tragedy and reunited the same way well done regards Fuller
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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This is very well written such a sad ending two soul mates that were parted by a tragedy and reunited the same way well done regards Fuller
Comment Written 29-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much for this great review it means a great deal to me
Comment from Jonesy
The four notwithstanding, I liked this. With flash fiction the writer usually has to leave a lot to the reader's imagination, but thought this one did a great job of creating a complete feel to the story. Big props with only 800 words to play with.
The reason for the 4 is a little better editing is needed, but also the spacing. The first third is really difficult to read by not having them to separate the lines.
Easy fix though. The writing itself deserves a 5.
***I kinda like sappy." for some reason***
"For"
***raised in the inner city not the burbs***
Need a comma after "city"
***bars have been on the windows, since I can ... ***
No need for comma (no natural pause)
***Slip slowly into a life of drugs ... ***
This sentence fragment (and the one that follows) doesn't fit with the style of the rest of the writing
***"Probably you're not my type," I laugh.***
By having the comma, this is saying the character "laughed" the dialogue. Obviously can't do that, but replacing the comma with a period would fix
***I get up from the couch put America's ... ***
Another fragment and seems the author was looking for that disjointed feel to the character, but not sold this is the best approach because it breaks away so much from the rest of the writing.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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The four notwithstanding, I liked this. With flash fiction the writer usually has to leave a lot to the reader's imagination, but thought this one did a great job of creating a complete feel to the story. Big props with only 800 words to play with.
The reason for the 4 is a little better editing is needed, but also the spacing. The first third is really difficult to read by not having them to separate the lines.
Easy fix though. The writing itself deserves a 5.
***I kinda like sappy." for some reason***
"For"
***raised in the inner city not the burbs***
Need a comma after "city"
***bars have been on the windows, since I can ... ***
No need for comma (no natural pause)
***Slip slowly into a life of drugs ... ***
This sentence fragment (and the one that follows) doesn't fit with the style of the rest of the writing
***"Probably you're not my type," I laugh.***
By having the comma, this is saying the character "laughed" the dialogue. Obviously can't do that, but replacing the comma with a period would fix
***I get up from the couch put America's ... ***
Another fragment and seems the author was looking for that disjointed feel to the character, but not sold this is the best approach because it breaks away so much from the rest of the writing.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2012
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You have no idea how much I appreciate your help - obviously I am a horrible editor. I believe I have made all the changes you suggested, but did not change the sentence that begins with "cease" I don't expect you to give it a five, but you were heard or read. Thank you very much.
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One quick question by spacing you a line seperating the the dialogue?
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Yes, and see the changes you made so re-scored to a 5.
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You are too kind, thank you
Comment from N.K. Wagner
How very sad, Val. You've portrayed the dangers of opening up, and the devastation that occurs when that person is no longer there. It's heartbreaking that your protagonist hasn't been able to regrow her shell. Well done. :) nancy
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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How very sad, Val. You've portrayed the dangers of opening up, and the devastation that occurs when that person is no longer there. It's heartbreaking that your protagonist hasn't been able to regrow her shell. Well done. :) nancy
Comment Written 24-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much - I'm a little partial to this one myself. I'm thrilled you liked it
Comment from Crackerberries
Okay, I read this with all intentions of going back through and telling you where you need to add a space or two or moves something here or there, but I can't...I'm crying now... this is a most amazing Love Story... excellent writing...great story and I remember America... didn't they do "Sister Golden Hair ---I tried to make it Sunday but I got so damned depressed that I put my sights on Monday and got myself undressed... something like that I can't remember now.... Great story thought.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Okay, I read this with all intentions of going back through and telling you where you need to add a space or two or moves something here or there, but I can't...I'm crying now... this is a most amazing Love Story... excellent writing...great story and I remember America... didn't they do "Sister Golden Hair ---I tried to make it Sunday but I got so damned depressed that I put my sights on Monday and got myself undressed... something like that I can't remember now.... Great story thought.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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They did write "Sister Golden Hair Surprise" - I always loved there music. So glad you liked my "bit of flash" - I'm partial to the ending. Your review means a great deal to me, as I don't see you as untruthful (for lack of a better word). A humble thank you
Comment from guinea
This story was very intense and captivating. I had to read with an open mind. I could picture every scene without problem. Good job.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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This story was very intense and captivating. I had to read with an open mind. I could picture every scene without problem. Good job.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Thank you for reading, and with an open mind. I'm very partial to this story, even I cry at the ending.
Comment from justjo66
An interesting romantic story with believable
story line, characters, and dialogue.
But with a sad ending. :o( You did a very
good job with this story, I liked it very much.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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An interesting romantic story with believable
story line, characters, and dialogue.
But with a sad ending. :o( You did a very
good job with this story, I liked it very much.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2012
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Thank you for reading it, Joe. I'm a little partial to this one myself. Hugs
Comment from Anthony Crosbie
Hi Val. This was well written and a really good story. I see what you mean with regards tightening up. I often try and explain things too much and perhaps waffle. You got your point across in a short and snappy way. I found this really easy to read and was stunned by the tragic end. Great stuff.
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2012
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Hi Val. This was well written and a really good story. I see what you mean with regards tightening up. I often try and explain things too much and perhaps waffle. You got your point across in a short and snappy way. I found this really easy to read and was stunned by the tragic end. Great stuff.
Comment Written 22-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2012
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Thanks for the review, Archie. There is an old saying by an unknown author, "don't fall in love with your words. you may have to lose some." You are a good writer and it shows in your story - editing is a completely different thing.
Comment from MumEsGirl
This was a well written story which held my attention from the start. It was indeed a relief to realise that this work was fiction.
Sadly it has a strong ring of truth to it.
Look forward to seeing more of your writing
hugs
kate
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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This was a well written story which held my attention from the start. It was indeed a relief to realise that this work was fiction.
Sadly it has a strong ring of truth to it.
Look forward to seeing more of your writing
hugs
kate
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much Kate - I am warming to flash. It really suits me
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello to you Val Crisson great story teller
You had me felling so happy when reading you flash fiction until I got near the end and found the ultimate surprise
in your last lines.
the best to you
Ger
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Hello to you Val Crisson great story teller
You had me felling so happy when reading you flash fiction until I got near the end and found the ultimate surprise
in your last lines.
the best to you
Ger
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Thank you Gert - I think you got flash fiction and my message better than most
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You are welcome Val
Gert
