Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Murphy's Bar"A collection of my poems
50 total reviews
Comment from Eddie Z
Yea I had to find one and read it. Fantastic rhyme and wit.
If I didn't think I'd wake someone my sides would all but split. A very enjoyable read. I look forward to more.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2012
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Yea I had to find one and read it. Fantastic rhyme and wit.
If I didn't think I'd wake someone my sides would all but split. A very enjoyable read. I look forward to more.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2012
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Thanks for the kind words.
Not really expecting this one to do well - too far out of the typical sonnet mould. I have a good 'story in a poem' coming up which is more my cup of tea.
Comment from ajdevore
Well of course you won the contest. How could you not. The skill you've shown, slowly, slowly degenerating from the cultivated to the gutter, with wit and rhyme.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Well of course you won the contest. How could you not. The skill you've shown, slowly, slowly degenerating from the cultivated to the gutter, with wit and rhyme.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you - that was the concept I started with, changing from lovey-dovey to vitriolic.
Steve
Comment from yonashalom
This poem starts out with really good meter and then it flows off into different counts and stressed and unstressed syllables. It reminds me of one of my own long poems where I go back over and over again tweaking it until it flows just so. I know poetry is the land of liberties. I think this poem, however, has great potential with a little tweaking, perhaps by making different word choices or trimming to get a better count. Nice twist on the end of the story. Good luck.
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reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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This poem starts out with really good meter and then it flows off into different counts and stressed and unstressed syllables. It reminds me of one of my own long poems where I go back over and over again tweaking it until it flows just so. I know poetry is the land of liberties. I think this poem, however, has great potential with a little tweaking, perhaps by making different word choices or trimming to get a better count. Nice twist on the end of the story. Good luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you for the review, but I am a little puzzled by your comments about meter - you are the only reviewer who found it uneven. In fact, most reviewers thought it was a strong point. Some lines do have an extra syllable - that is when there is a feminine rhyme e.g. raving/craving Perhaps you could point out the lines you have trouble with.
Thanks again.
Steve
PS It won!
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Congratulations. I reread it much slower and caught each syllable. I think my ear picked up the differences with a faster read. My apologies. I'm glad you won.
Comment from Melspoems
This was very entertaining to read.
It's well written with great glow and good rhymes and tells a story in the conversation.
I like how it starts of as a relationship too good to be true and ends up completely the opposite.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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This was very entertaining to read.
It's well written with great glow and good rhymes and tells a story in the conversation.
I like how it starts of as a relationship too good to be true and ends up completely the opposite.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you for the positive review - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from Charlene0513
A contest entry disclosing the in and outs of infidelity while at first, professing their love but later discover it was all just a facade.
Very good narration and your statements were precise and to the point.
Charlene
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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A contest entry disclosing the in and outs of infidelity while at first, professing their love but later discover it was all just a facade.
Very good narration and your statements were precise and to the point.
Charlene
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Charlene.
Comment from DALLAS01
That was hilarious. Loved the way you slowly built the animosity. In the following line did you mean wife instead of life:
that I would, my life, deceive.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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That was hilarious. Loved the way you slowly built the animosity. In the following line did you mean wife instead of life:
that I would, my life, deceive.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you - glad you got a laugh - that's what it's all about, really
Comment from gordonmrln
Your witticism is very whimsical and this poem as its twists and turns;its ups and downs.But at the end is a stalk warning.You better keep your own house in order;otherwise someone else will be doing there own repairs.So there is a moral undertone to your funny poem.So I have awarded you my 5* and I hope that you get many more.Thank You.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Your witticism is very whimsical and this poem as its twists and turns;its ups and downs.But at the end is a stalk warning.You better keep your own house in order;otherwise someone else will be doing there own repairs.So there is a moral undertone to your funny poem.So I have awarded you my 5* and I hope that you get many more.Thank You.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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I would say, 'Don't try to read too much into any of my nonsense!'
Thanks for the great review - I got the win.
Steve
Comment from N.K. Wagner
This surely must be the contest winner. It's well rhythmed and rhymed. And the smooth change of mood is absolutely wonderful. Very funny, kand extremely well done. :) nancy
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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This surely must be the contest winner. It's well rhythmed and rhymed. And the smooth change of mood is absolutely wonderful. Very funny, kand extremely well done. :) nancy
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Nancy, for the great review. Yes, it picked up first prize as you guessed.
Steve
Comment from Anisa-
This is fantastic. I thought for sure it was going to be another love poem ... Until I hit the end. It's funny, and written so well. They rhyming is great.
Anisa
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2012
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This is fantastic. I thought for sure it was going to be another love poem ... Until I hit the end. It's funny, and written so well. They rhyming is great.
Anisa
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2012
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Thanks for the great review - the change from lovey-dovey to vitriolic was what I was aiming for.
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Hah, you're welcome. This was great.
A
Comment from LadyCosgrove
Brilliantly told! That moment of honesty when all is revealed without the trappings of wedded finery.
I laughed at the wheedling tone in the beginning, I laughed at the switch in the middle and I laughed at the absolute slating at the end.
Well penned!
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2012
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Brilliantly told! That moment of honesty when all is revealed without the trappings of wedded finery.
I laughed at the wheedling tone in the beginning, I laughed at the switch in the middle and I laughed at the absolute slating at the end.
Well penned!
Comment Written 10-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much for the enthusiastic review and the six exceptional stars - much appreciated. Glad you got a laugh, or in your case several laughs, out of my little romp.
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You're very welcome. I voted for yours too. :o)
