Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "A Maza Moon, Part 2"Murder Mystery
40 total reviews
Comment from Eleanor Buron
Excellent chapter that is carried along briskly by dialog and by the thoughts of Fr. Brian. Setting is excellent; I can visualize the surroundings. Description is well done. The chapter ends on a cryptic note with the killer's call to Fr. Brian. The conflict is tight with the foreshadowing of more tension to come.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Excellent chapter that is carried along briskly by dialog and by the thoughts of Fr. Brian. Setting is excellent; I can visualize the surroundings. Description is well done. The chapter ends on a cryptic note with the killer's call to Fr. Brian. The conflict is tight with the foreshadowing of more tension to come.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, Eleanor. I really appreciate your very generous review and encouraging words. You are most kind! Warm regards, Bev
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You are very welcome.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
This is so darn good. By far, in my opinion, the best thing I've seen you do. I'm telling you Bev, I've read published works that don't read as well as this. This was a great voyage through the priest's mind today. That phone call literally gave me goose-bumps, and that strange riddle at the end... What the heck is that about?
The dialogue is real - you're not pulling punches or catering to the 'sensitive'. It is what it is, and what it should be. Hard hitting and totally believable.
SO looking forward to the next post. Holy crap, what are you going to be churning out after your course? You'll be smokin', woman!
I can't believe I don't have a six for you yet.
Excellent work, my friend. Hugs, Av
Noticed a couple of well-disguised typos:
And that suggested the possib(i)lity that one murder would not satisfy the killer's lust.
"Now who's the hyp()ocrite?
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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This is so darn good. By far, in my opinion, the best thing I've seen you do. I'm telling you Bev, I've read published works that don't read as well as this. This was a great voyage through the priest's mind today. That phone call literally gave me goose-bumps, and that strange riddle at the end... What the heck is that about?
The dialogue is real - you're not pulling punches or catering to the 'sensitive'. It is what it is, and what it should be. Hard hitting and totally believable.
SO looking forward to the next post. Holy crap, what are you going to be churning out after your course? You'll be smokin', woman!
I can't believe I don't have a six for you yet.
Excellent work, my friend. Hugs, Av
Noticed a couple of well-disguised typos:
And that suggested the possib(i)lity that one murder would not satisfy the killer's lust.
"Now who's the hyp()ocrite?
Comment Written 02-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Thank you bunches for your wonderful words of support, Av. You know how much I value your opinion, so I'm on cloud nine thanks to your encouragement which is worth a million stars! Glad you caught the spaggies, too.
I found a great book on passive voice. It's just what I've been needing and I'm noticing the difference in how I view my writing already.
I so appreciate you, Av! You're a special lady. Hugs, Bev
Comment from G.B. Smith
OK Bev now you've done it.
It is nigh impossible to squeeze a sixth star outta me, but you went & dun it anyway. I love this last line: "You like riddles, Father? Personally, I love them. Anyway, I've got one for you ... could the fact the old lady trusted you be the only reason she's dead?"
Now the reader is trying to get into your head and you left us wondering WTF. Nicely crafted and written
Bear
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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OK Bev now you've done it.
It is nigh impossible to squeeze a sixth star outta me, but you went & dun it anyway. I love this last line: "You like riddles, Father? Personally, I love them. Anyway, I've got one for you ... could the fact the old lady trusted you be the only reason she's dead?"
Now the reader is trying to get into your head and you left us wondering WTF. Nicely crafted and written
Bear
Comment Written 02-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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I am deeply honored by this wonderful review, Bear. You've really put a smile on my face with your so-encouraging words of support. Father Brian is up against a diabolical mind, for sure. Dare I say reviews like yours 'lift me up so I can see'. Blessings, Bev
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
A great piece of writing. Beautiful, elegant language here to support an interesting slice-of-life, well told. I loved the following, especially.
''the cold, methodical dance of the investigators around a corpse they couldn't afford to care about.''
''theories bobbed in his brain like carousel ponies''
I would change the following to 'felt like 'the screech of a page ripped from the spine of a book." A subtle change, but I think it brings it to life a wee bit stronger.
Expertly crafted, super-realistic dialogue, a rare talent. You've got a really good ability for crafting a flawless, interesting, easy to read tale here. Bravo!
Great work! Keep going...
cheers
js
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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A great piece of writing. Beautiful, elegant language here to support an interesting slice-of-life, well told. I loved the following, especially.
''the cold, methodical dance of the investigators around a corpse they couldn't afford to care about.''
''theories bobbed in his brain like carousel ponies''
I would change the following to 'felt like 'the screech of a page ripped from the spine of a book." A subtle change, but I think it brings it to life a wee bit stronger.
Expertly crafted, super-realistic dialogue, a rare talent. You've got a really good ability for crafting a flawless, interesting, easy to read tale here. Bravo!
Great work! Keep going...
cheers
js
Comment Written 02-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2012
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Thank you very much, js. I really appreciate the time you took to read my chapter. Your words of encouragement mean so very much! And I am honored by the generosity of your rating. Thank you just doesn't seem adquate for such encouragement. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from LAFraser
Bev, this story gets better and better! Poor Father Brian. He's got his hands full with this one. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. :)
Great job!
Hugs
~Lisa
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Bev, this story gets better and better! Poor Father Brian. He's got his hands full with this one. I'm looking forward to the next chapter. :)
Great job!
Hugs
~Lisa
Comment Written 01-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Thank you, Lisa. I really appreciate your great review and support, my friend. Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome! :)
~Lisa xox
Comment from WLHall
This is an excellent piece of work. I think I've enjoyed this chapter better than the rest so far. It's reeks of such suspense and evil from the murderer. It's well-written, no spags I saw. Great job!
Wanda
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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This is an excellent piece of work. I think I've enjoyed this chapter better than the rest so far. It's reeks of such suspense and evil from the murderer. It's well-written, no spags I saw. Great job!
Wanda
Comment Written 01-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much, Wanda, for this great review. I worked pretty hard to get the elements correct in this chapter, so I really appreciate you noticing and commenting. That's worth gold to me! Kindest regards, Bev
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You're so welcome!
Comment from adewpearl
Were these acts staged for the benefit of the authorities, or did they - add comma
Excellent detail as Father Brian speculates on the way the killer staged the corpse
typo - THE THE desolation reflected in his eyes
You build tension and suspense well as Father Brian wonders about the identity of the killer
Chilling phone conversation with the killer
Brooke
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Were these acts staged for the benefit of the authorities, or did they - add comma
Excellent detail as Father Brian speculates on the way the killer staged the corpse
typo - THE THE desolation reflected in his eyes
You build tension and suspense well as Father Brian wonders about the identity of the killer
Chilling phone conversation with the killer
Brooke
Comment Written 01-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, Brooke. I appreciate your time and generosity. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from peggles
This is a good follow on chapter lots of tension
Father Brian leaves so quickly
washes gets into new cloths
what's that about DNA evidence
but why
I don't think he did the deed
I am not convinced the police will fall for the phone call
You are so good at creating believable characters and a situations which are only to easy to believe happens in real life
I'm rooting for the priest
If I have it wrong I just have to wait won't I
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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This is a good follow on chapter lots of tension
Father Brian leaves so quickly
washes gets into new cloths
what's that about DNA evidence
but why
I don't think he did the deed
I am not convinced the police will fall for the phone call
You are so good at creating believable characters and a situations which are only to easy to believe happens in real life
I'm rooting for the priest
If I have it wrong I just have to wait won't I
Comment Written 01-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Hi, peggles. Thanks for your super review, my friend. I really appreciate your take on the situation and insights. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
Nice chapter Bev. I love the pace and forward drive of it.
Suggestions:
The opening felt a bit awkward. I'd combine the first two sentences to improve the flow: Because Father Brian had never observed the processing of a crime scene, he was unprepared ...
-leave out the word 'likely' in the sentence about Sheriff Oleson. Followed by badly, it's too much adverbing.(ly words are not well liked by many in the know). Then you have two more--uncharacteristically and endlessly. It seems that you end the 'ly' phase after this.
Just wanted to give you a head's up. I try to limit adverbs and describe instead.
It was so nice to see Father Brian relax and put on normal clothes. He seems like a different person, less clerical , at the cabin. I guess that's why he is so open to the 'spirits.' Nice transition to the spirit world with change of scene and clothing.
I don't remember but is the medicine man dead now? Is the chipmunk his spirit and the smell Debra's. Or is the chipmunk her, too.
If Tony is dead, I needed a reminder. If alive then that too. So I could know for sure about the chipmunk. Both of them could have been with him on the path to Bass Lake.
Then the murderer calls. (I'd been wondering when he would show up again and there he was!) Very good conversation. Fine flowing dialogue.
You packed a lot into this tight chaper. Nice job.:)
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Nice chapter Bev. I love the pace and forward drive of it.
Suggestions:
The opening felt a bit awkward. I'd combine the first two sentences to improve the flow: Because Father Brian had never observed the processing of a crime scene, he was unprepared ...
-leave out the word 'likely' in the sentence about Sheriff Oleson. Followed by badly, it's too much adverbing.(ly words are not well liked by many in the know). Then you have two more--uncharacteristically and endlessly. It seems that you end the 'ly' phase after this.
Just wanted to give you a head's up. I try to limit adverbs and describe instead.
It was so nice to see Father Brian relax and put on normal clothes. He seems like a different person, less clerical , at the cabin. I guess that's why he is so open to the 'spirits.' Nice transition to the spirit world with change of scene and clothing.
I don't remember but is the medicine man dead now? Is the chipmunk his spirit and the smell Debra's. Or is the chipmunk her, too.
If Tony is dead, I needed a reminder. If alive then that too. So I could know for sure about the chipmunk. Both of them could have been with him on the path to Bass Lake.
Then the murderer calls. (I'd been wondering when he would show up again and there he was!) Very good conversation. Fine flowing dialogue.
You packed a lot into this tight chaper. Nice job.:)
Comment Written 01-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Thanks for the great review, Ellen. I've incorporated your suggestions, especially about the adverbs, for the most part. Tony Buday is alive - Detective Jana Burke lives with him on the reservation.
Appreciate the support and critical eye for improvement! Bev
Comment from jadapenn
You're a jolly good story teller. I thoroughly enjoyed this mystery/crime and can't wait for the next chapter. I hope this is a novel or a series of short stories. You captured my attention and kept me reading with your crisp descriptions and sharp thoughts. Father Brian is in the thick of things and this criminal is close at hand. Well written. luv jada
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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You're a jolly good story teller. I thoroughly enjoyed this mystery/crime and can't wait for the next chapter. I hope this is a novel or a series of short stories. You captured my attention and kept me reading with your crisp descriptions and sharp thoughts. Father Brian is in the thick of things and this criminal is close at hand. Well written. luv jada
Comment Written 01-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, Jada. This is part of a novel and there's lots of psychological games to come. I so appreciate your time and generosity! Warm regards, Bev
