Still, Bobby Cheered
A deserving teen gets passed over.69 total reviews
Comment from Adam J Santos
Shari, this is a real heartwarming story in message and nature. To work hard in life without any recognition can take the fight right out of someone. Your Nephew Bobby sounds like a humbling person to be around. Someone that deserves to be looked up to. I enjoyed the whole premise of this Short story. It shared a message that all should hear and heed. Exceptional job on this and thanks for sharing such a touching write and read. Take care Adam:)
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Shari, this is a real heartwarming story in message and nature. To work hard in life without any recognition can take the fight right out of someone. Your Nephew Bobby sounds like a humbling person to be around. Someone that deserves to be looked up to. I enjoyed the whole premise of this Short story. It shared a message that all should hear and heed. Exceptional job on this and thanks for sharing such a touching write and read. Take care Adam:)
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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So many readers have enjoyed and even cried at this story. It catapulted me into the top ten writers! I know my sister is looking down upon me and applauding. Thanks for the exceptional rating. It means a lot.
Comment from justjo66
A beautiful story with so much heart. So many
children like your nephew deal daily with heart rending
challenges while parents look on helpless to help
ease their pain. I speak as a mother of a 47 year
old daughter with Downs Syndrome. It is always great
to hear of something good.
Thank you
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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A beautiful story with so much heart. So many
children like your nephew deal daily with heart rending
challenges while parents look on helpless to help
ease their pain. I speak as a mother of a 47 year
old daughter with Downs Syndrome. It is always great
to hear of something good.
Thank you
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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I glad you found pleasure in this. It's harder on the parents than the child, I think. I hope you and your daughter are coping as well as can be. Bobby never complains and has outlived the doctors' expectations.
Comment from humpwhistle
Shari, this is a truly heartwarming story, and I'm delighted it is true. I would only suggest you re-consider the title. I'm certain she was angry, and you, too. But
think the real story is about Bobby. This is story not of anger, but of accomplishment and hard-won recognition ... unless you fiddled with the strings.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Shari, this is a truly heartwarming story, and I'm delighted it is true. I would only suggest you re-consider the title. I'm certain she was angry, and you, too. But
think the real story is about Bobby. This is story not of anger, but of accomplishment and hard-won recognition ... unless you fiddled with the strings.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Well, my sister titled is A Night to Remember, but I didn't think that was very catchy. Got any ideas? I'm not happy with the title either. Thanks for being honest.
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Shari, I just think this story deserves an uplifting title. I remember being moved when Bobby applauded for all those being recognized, even as it appeared he was being passed over. Maybe it isn't catchy, but I'd call the story 'Bobby's Applause'
Double meaning. I hope this helps.
Peace, Lee
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That's a good title, but gives away the ending. It's too late now to change for reviews. I get what you say about negative though. I'll think on it more.
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Shari, I'm not sure it gives away the ending. I'm saluting Bobby's
unselfish for his mates---before he knew he was being recognized.
Those moments when he cheered for others are the heart of the story, the heart of Bobby. That's where the title might lie. How about like 'Still Bobby Cheered.'
For me, Shari, this is where the story lives. Writers, eh? We're always right! Lee
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That's good. I like it. But still I'll wait until it's time is up. It might confuse past reviewers??
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Okay, I bit the bullet and changed it anyway and gave you credit, sweetie. I do like it much better.
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Shari, I didn't intend for you to do that. Come on, have either one of us ever 'finished' a single piece? If you feel better, I'm happy. If you change your mind, that's okay, too. Maybe we're the poster kids for the way this thing is s'posed to work. Thanks for a fine discussion, Shari. Peace, Lee
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I know you didn't. But I like my readers to know I'm not above accepting good ideas. Love ya, Shari
Comment from N.K. Wagner
An inspirational story, Spitfire. I'm glad you've shared it. No one should be denied recognition for a job well done, and it seems that his high school basketball team and coach recognized that. A good night for everyone involved. :) nancy
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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An inspirational story, Spitfire. I'm glad you've shared it. No one should be denied recognition for a job well done, and it seems that his high school basketball team and coach recognized that. A good night for everyone involved. :) nancy
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Thank you, Nancy. My sister would be thrilled that I shared this night with so many others.
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
A moving and suspenseful tale with a happy ending. Bravo! Very well written and great dialogue, both inner and outer. When you described the father's betrayal I wanted to choke him!
Great writing.
Nothing to criticize there, but spotted one minor typo. "He had (had} left seven years ago...
Really good. Keep going...
cheers
js
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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A moving and suspenseful tale with a happy ending. Bravo! Very well written and great dialogue, both inner and outer. When you described the father's betrayal I wanted to choke him!
Great writing.
Nothing to criticize there, but spotted one minor typo. "He had (had} left seven years ago...
Really good. Keep going...
cheers
js
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Thanks for catching the typo. I reworded the sentence last night and forgot to proofread. Fortunately, the father is stepped up to the bat as Bobby got older. They get along really well.
Comment from nancyjam
This brought me to tears. Such a heartwarming story of
love, courage and honor.
It shows the strength of the mother's love for her son.
it also shows the bobby's courage and the teams respect for him.
thank you for sharing this beautiful story. Nancy
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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This brought me to tears. Such a heartwarming story of
love, courage and honor.
It shows the strength of the mother's love for her son.
it also shows the bobby's courage and the teams respect for him.
thank you for sharing this beautiful story. Nancy
Comment Written 26-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2012
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Thank you Nancy for the high rating. A lot of readers shed tears. My sister would be so happy that I shared her and her son's special night.
Comment from barkingdog
Marvelously touching piece, Shari. Well, written. I'm sure your sister would be very pleased.
What an outstanding young man Bob was at thirteen, and he's probably much the same today with courage enough for himself and others. Sorry, about his mother's difficulties facing this situation alone. A majority of families with disabled children end up in divorce and one parent often facing the hospitals, special needs and heartbreak alone.
Lovely ending. He deserved the recognition of his peers.:)
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Marvelously touching piece, Shari. Well, written. I'm sure your sister would be very pleased.
What an outstanding young man Bob was at thirteen, and he's probably much the same today with courage enough for himself and others. Sorry, about his mother's difficulties facing this situation alone. A majority of families with disabled children end up in divorce and one parent often facing the hospitals, special needs and heartbreak alone.
Lovely ending. He deserved the recognition of his peers.:)
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Thanks, Ellen. I've received outstanding reviews. Do wish my sister was still alive to share. I'm thinking on writing more about this amazing young man who is now 43 and gets along well with his father who spends days at a time with him. He's not in the best of health either! Wouldn't it be ironic if Bobby outlived him too? Thank goodness we live 90 minutes away and call him every week, visit at least every two months. He has a nice support group in the apt. complex where he lives.
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His positive energy keeps him going. It would be ironic if he did outlive his father.
People like Bobby always have friends. Their ability to get beyond the surface of themselves allowes them to see beneath the surface of others.
:)ellen
Comment from Sissy
Hi Shari,
I loved this! I had to go get the tissues before I did the reread. What a wonderful story.
You really made us feel your sister's angst throughout this. When the coach announced 'cheerleaders', I actually stopped and thought, "effing cheerleaders, what the hell." - not that I have anything against cheerleading, but, well, you know what I mean. (I hope. Unless you were a cheerleader, then please accept my apologies.)
I think this is a very strong contest entry. I cut and pasted some things below for your consideration:
The ceremony was midway through (This line was awkward for me. I wanted to link it to the sentence after, but I couldn't figure out how. Maybe just a rephase. 'The ceremony had reached it half way point.' I don't know. I just felt the line was unfinished.)
Do you realize the strain on his never(-)developed arm muscles
On nights like this she most resented Bobby's father who had left seven years ago, embarrassed by his son's physical condition: the shrunken frame, the overlarge head, the hitching gait when he walked.
(Consider changing the punctuation on this a bit, for effect. Ex: 'On night like this, she most resented Bobby's father. He had left seven years ago, embarrased by his son's physical condition: the...')
How her heart ached when he watched others run, leap, and tackle. Moves he would never be able to do. (<--this is a sentence fragment. If it's on purpose, okay. Otherwise, consider a dash, linking it to the first part.)
But now, he could still walk although he fell a lot.
(I think this is a bit awkward, Shari. The 'although he fell a lot' hangs on the end of this sentence. Hmm... 'But for now, he could still walk--although he fell a lot.' Hmm...not sure that's any better.)
She felt the sting of hot tears that her son's hard work would go unacknowledged. (watch 'she felt', that's telling.)
Barbara was seething. She would give the coach a piece of her mind after the show was over. (The 'was seething' is passive phrasing here, and the the 'was over' stands out with the repetition of 'was'. Try rephrasing. For example:
Barbara sat, seething. The coach would get a piece of her mind after the show was over. or 'after the end of the show'.??)
She marveled that Bobby could applaud all the winners of letters and lightweight gold cups. Who cared! (Who cared! Or Who cares! ???) Let's go home(+,) son, she yearned to say. Home where you're appreciated.
A dramatic pause (+ensued. You are missing a verb here. On purpose?) as the coach held the last jacket up.
The audience was on its feet (consider 'the audience rose to its feet), clapping and cheering as the boy made his way down the aisle, (consider dash here instead of comma) a slow(+,) lumbering and painful walk, (consider dash here instead of comma) but his face glowed.
Okay, so honestly, I am pretty by-the-book when it comes to reviewing and the ratings scale. But once in awhile, I just love something so much, I can't help myself. Please consider my suggestions, and please let me know if you have any questions, or need a reread. I'd be happy to do so.
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Hi Shari,
I loved this! I had to go get the tissues before I did the reread. What a wonderful story.
You really made us feel your sister's angst throughout this. When the coach announced 'cheerleaders', I actually stopped and thought, "effing cheerleaders, what the hell." - not that I have anything against cheerleading, but, well, you know what I mean. (I hope. Unless you were a cheerleader, then please accept my apologies.)
I think this is a very strong contest entry. I cut and pasted some things below for your consideration:
The ceremony was midway through (This line was awkward for me. I wanted to link it to the sentence after, but I couldn't figure out how. Maybe just a rephase. 'The ceremony had reached it half way point.' I don't know. I just felt the line was unfinished.)
Do you realize the strain on his never(-)developed arm muscles
On nights like this she most resented Bobby's father who had left seven years ago, embarrassed by his son's physical condition: the shrunken frame, the overlarge head, the hitching gait when he walked.
(Consider changing the punctuation on this a bit, for effect. Ex: 'On night like this, she most resented Bobby's father. He had left seven years ago, embarrased by his son's physical condition: the...')
How her heart ached when he watched others run, leap, and tackle. Moves he would never be able to do. (<--this is a sentence fragment. If it's on purpose, okay. Otherwise, consider a dash, linking it to the first part.)
But now, he could still walk although he fell a lot.
(I think this is a bit awkward, Shari. The 'although he fell a lot' hangs on the end of this sentence. Hmm... 'But for now, he could still walk--although he fell a lot.' Hmm...not sure that's any better.)
She felt the sting of hot tears that her son's hard work would go unacknowledged. (watch 'she felt', that's telling.)
Barbara was seething. She would give the coach a piece of her mind after the show was over. (The 'was seething' is passive phrasing here, and the the 'was over' stands out with the repetition of 'was'. Try rephrasing. For example:
Barbara sat, seething. The coach would get a piece of her mind after the show was over. or 'after the end of the show'.??)
She marveled that Bobby could applaud all the winners of letters and lightweight gold cups. Who cared! (Who cared! Or Who cares! ???) Let's go home(+,) son, she yearned to say. Home where you're appreciated.
A dramatic pause (+ensued. You are missing a verb here. On purpose?) as the coach held the last jacket up.
The audience was on its feet (consider 'the audience rose to its feet), clapping and cheering as the boy made his way down the aisle, (consider dash here instead of comma) a slow(+,) lumbering and painful walk, (consider dash here instead of comma) but his face glowed.
Okay, so honestly, I am pretty by-the-book when it comes to reviewing and the ratings scale. But once in awhile, I just love something so much, I can't help myself. Please consider my suggestions, and please let me know if you have any questions, or need a reread. I'd be happy to do so.
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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I love you. I love you. I do. I'm a fanatic about passive voice and here you caught me using it several times--maybe because I was trying to keep some of my sister's version. I made every change you suggested except for the business of Who cared-which I want to use to express anger, not a question. Thanks for the sixer especially. If you have time to reread and catch anything else, feel free.
I reviewed a chapter of yours and suggested some things for you to consider. You've helped me. I hope I can return the favor.
Hugs, Shari
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Looks good! And thanks for helping me with the Attack of the The's!
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Hey,Sissy. I finally made the top ten! But not by much. So I'll have to post something brilliant again! LOL. So glad I could rescue you from the attack. Hugs,Shari
Comment from Rama Rao
A fine story about a young lad with a disability. Such stories always evoke sympathy and move the reader to tears.
It's generally well written. However, I'd like to bring out one point for discussion. Teammates and cheerleaders gathered around to congratulate him. -This is a simple sentence and the meaning is clear, but who is 'him' in this sentence- I mean grammatically.
2. He has not been up here- I'd say up on the stage.
3.Who cared?
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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A fine story about a young lad with a disability. Such stories always evoke sympathy and move the reader to tears.
It's generally well written. However, I'd like to bring out one point for discussion. Teammates and cheerleaders gathered around to congratulate him. -This is a simple sentence and the meaning is clear, but who is 'him' in this sentence- I mean grammatically.
2. He has not been up here- I'd say up on the stage.
3.Who cared?
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Excellent advice to make it clearer. I changed all but #3. It's a a bitter remark and doesn't require an answer. Exclamation points are acceptable for sentences starting with Who depending on what feeling the writer wants you to get across. Thanks for reading and pointing out the flaws. I really do appreciate.
Comment from sibhus
What a great story. It was well written and told so much through the words of a devoted aunt. We all can take something away from this, your nephew is a wonderfully inspiration to us all. A wonderful story that is so endureing.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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What a great story. It was well written and told so much through the words of a devoted aunt. We all can take something away from this, your nephew is a wonderfully inspiration to us all. A wonderful story that is so endureing.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2012
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Thanks, Sibhus. My sister wanted me to write this story and share it. I'm getting awesome reviews.
