The English Assignment
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The family barbecue part B"The author tells a tale how he tried to better him
5 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
do some work on that Saturday, and they - add comma
but they arrived late, and Dad - I added the comma and capitalized Dad as it's being used as his name
"We want to get paid." they said - replace the period with a comma
"Just come back tomorrow." I said - use a comma
myself in harm's way - add the apostrophe for possessive
Instead of just coming in and having a drink and giving my dad a little respect. - use a comma instead of a period to avoid a fragment
Dad, they just want - use comma for direct address
You sure you want to do this? - add question mark
pulled him close like he was his best freind - friend
Why don't you come in and join the party? - add question mark
There's plenty of food - add apostrophe for contraction of there is
No, Bill, I just want - add commas
elbow around the guy's neck - add apostrophe for possessive
it's not like that, Bill - add comma
I don't ask to much - too much
It's not like that, Bill - add comma
and than demand that I give you - then demand
Hold on a second, Bill - add comma
When I said my dad was as strong as Mike Tyson. - use a comma instead of a period
ushered somewhere else, and the cops - add comma
Excellent use of dialogue that expresses the emotions and attitudes of the speakers effectively
Engaging narrative style in a story told in good, dramatic detail.
The 4 is for SPAG issues. Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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do some work on that Saturday, and they - add comma
but they arrived late, and Dad - I added the comma and capitalized Dad as it's being used as his name
"We want to get paid." they said - replace the period with a comma
"Just come back tomorrow." I said - use a comma
myself in harm's way - add the apostrophe for possessive
Instead of just coming in and having a drink and giving my dad a little respect. - use a comma instead of a period to avoid a fragment
Dad, they just want - use comma for direct address
You sure you want to do this? - add question mark
pulled him close like he was his best freind - friend
Why don't you come in and join the party? - add question mark
There's plenty of food - add apostrophe for contraction of there is
No, Bill, I just want - add commas
elbow around the guy's neck - add apostrophe for possessive
it's not like that, Bill - add comma
I don't ask to much - too much
It's not like that, Bill - add comma
and than demand that I give you - then demand
Hold on a second, Bill - add comma
When I said my dad was as strong as Mike Tyson. - use a comma instead of a period
ushered somewhere else, and the cops - add comma
Excellent use of dialogue that expresses the emotions and attitudes of the speakers effectively
Engaging narrative style in a story told in good, dramatic detail.
The 4 is for SPAG issues. Brooke
Comment Written 22-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2012
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Thank you again for the corrections, sorry i havent gotten back to you, I have been busy.
Comment from mr elis
Bill was wrong,this shows how a person can change after having a few drinks.He loss respect for himself and his family and friends.He really went off tract.his duty was to pay the chaps ,and finish the brawl,if this is not fiction, no doubt Bill is in jail.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Bill was wrong,this shows how a person can change after having a few drinks.He loss respect for himself and his family and friends.He really went off tract.his duty was to pay the chaps ,and finish the brawl,if this is not fiction, no doubt Bill is in jail.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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thank you and i agree.
Comment from Chris Davis
Wow. Your family's party sounded a bit stressful. A few spags I found...
"Did I do something wrong to you(?" he asked,) and he tightened his elbow around (the guy's) neck.
you insult me by not (accepting) my (invitation) into my party
I could (hear) the guy trying to (reason) with him
Looking forward to more... ~Chris
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Wow. Your family's party sounded a bit stressful. A few spags I found...
"Did I do something wrong to you(?" he asked,) and he tightened his elbow around (the guy's) neck.
you insult me by not (accepting) my (invitation) into my party
I could (hear) the guy trying to (reason) with him
Looking forward to more... ~Chris
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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thank you corrections made.
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updated your rating.... :)
Comment from TammyGail
Wow this was some chapter, can't believe those bastards couldn't wait for their money they had to get it just then.. Excellent work keimosobie I enjoyed the read
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Wow this was some chapter, can't believe those bastards couldn't wait for their money they had to get it just then.. Excellent work keimosobie I enjoyed the read
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Thanks still tweeking it.
Comment from makinghismark
I like the setting and development of this chapter. It has a nice element of realism to it. There are a few changes I would make though. First, the paragraph that begins with "instead of just walking away...." is wordy and a bit confusing. Tidy it up. Second, I think you force the rising action a bit too quickly. You foreshadow the conflict with direct narration rather than tone. Perhaps the drunk dad should throw the employee with the more nerve a curve ball. Rather than things escalating into a fight, perhaps the Dad could try to be more friendly, Don Corleone style at first. even if this is based on an actual event, it goes south too quickly.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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I like the setting and development of this chapter. It has a nice element of realism to it. There are a few changes I would make though. First, the paragraph that begins with "instead of just walking away...." is wordy and a bit confusing. Tidy it up. Second, I think you force the rising action a bit too quickly. You foreshadow the conflict with direct narration rather than tone. Perhaps the drunk dad should throw the employee with the more nerve a curve ball. Rather than things escalating into a fight, perhaps the Dad could try to be more friendly, Don Corleone style at first. even if this is based on an actual event, it goes south too quickly.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Sounds like good advice. Okay ill do it.
