The English Assignment
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The family barbecue part a"The author tells a tale how he tried to better him
6 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
Nobody tells you anything when you have a dad who was - a dad who is
don't really know what drunk is, but - add comma
I should have shouted a clue a clue - drop a clue
and wrote it down - and written it down
How could my father's relatives - add apostrophe for possessive
smaller than my body, and - add comma
over to the door, and I was - add comma
come quick. Something - add period to avoid a run-on
Dad went down, pulled out his gun - add comma
Mom was a little angry at first, but - add comma
That is sure way more excitement than my family's barbecues LOL
Good action and character development
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Nobody tells you anything when you have a dad who was - a dad who is
don't really know what drunk is, but - add comma
I should have shouted a clue a clue - drop a clue
and wrote it down - and written it down
How could my father's relatives - add apostrophe for possessive
smaller than my body, and - add comma
over to the door, and I was - add comma
come quick. Something - add period to avoid a run-on
Dad went down, pulled out his gun - add comma
Mom was a little angry at first, but - add comma
That is sure way more excitement than my family's barbecues LOL
Good action and character development
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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thank you very much. I'm pleased with my progress and I have to remember my commas before conjunctions. Thanks again.
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thanks again
Comment from Chris Davis
Very smooth story-telling. This is a very enjoyable read, easy to follow and compelling ... I can't wait to read the next part... it's next on my list. :)
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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Very smooth story-telling. This is a very enjoyable read, easy to follow and compelling ... I can't wait to read the next part... it's next on my list. :)
Comment Written 20-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2012
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thank you for taking the time to read and review.
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you're welcome... :)
Comment from Rattler
Nice job. I'm no expert but I noticed a few things you might want to check out.
"When your a child..." <- you're
"fleeting minute...." try moment instead.
"Oh well I wasn't..." Add comma "Oh well, I..."
"...through the screen. Gave me a gun." Is this "Give me a gun?" or "Get me a gun."
Keep up the good work.
Very nice...
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Nice job. I'm no expert but I noticed a few things you might want to check out.
"When your a child..." <- you're
"fleeting minute...." try moment instead.
"Oh well I wasn't..." Add comma "Oh well, I..."
"...through the screen. Gave me a gun." Is this "Give me a gun?" or "Get me a gun."
Keep up the good work.
Very nice...
Comment Written 19-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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No he gave me the gun. thanks for the review.
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Hey I made some corrections how bout an upgrade I need this thing up to five stars.
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Sure thing I'll take a quick look.
Comment from writerwish
Hello again, caught a few more...Look below...................................
Hi, writer. You certainly have an unusual past. Your Uncle sounds like he could be a lot of fun. You are off to a good start. There were quite a few mistakes. Most were spelling, not using contractions correctly for instance, isn't instead of isn't and when you use Mom and Dad or Uncle and you directly call them, they are capitalized. Like Mom, will you come here or Mom came right out the door. But when you say my mom was in the kitchen it is small letters. I noted some corrections down here. Fix them and go through piece one more time. I'll look at it later and up your rating to a five because I really do like your story and some of the descriptions.
Anything in parenthesis is the correction. If you need more help, just let me know. I've been corrected many times on fanstory too. That's why I stay.
(hammered) not hammered
When (you're) a child
My Uncle Neil and my Aunt (were) there.
They picked me up and told me they (hadn't) seen me since I was three.
Well(,) I was older now(,) and (the only thing that had changed was--this whole part could come out) I wasn't in diapers anymore.
Anything (is) possible."
small (doUGHnt).
He sprung (high) off the board(,) came down like a jack
Bam(!) (R)ight into that little hole
(tourniquet),
Reads much better now. Still a few more spags I caught.
(father's) relatives have known me..
Swish(!) I went right through...
I was to go get (Mom) and tell her Dad was arguing with Uncle Olsen...Here Mom is still a title, if it was my mom or his mom, then they wouldn't need capitols...
Mom was a little angry at first(,) but the thrill of it seemed to wash over her and a few good hugs from Dad and Olsen and she was good....
When (you're) a child...This means when you are a child
I would have shouted a clue a clue...Said clue twice here.
Good work. Keep going...
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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Hello again, caught a few more...Look below...................................
Hi, writer. You certainly have an unusual past. Your Uncle sounds like he could be a lot of fun. You are off to a good start. There were quite a few mistakes. Most were spelling, not using contractions correctly for instance, isn't instead of isn't and when you use Mom and Dad or Uncle and you directly call them, they are capitalized. Like Mom, will you come here or Mom came right out the door. But when you say my mom was in the kitchen it is small letters. I noted some corrections down here. Fix them and go through piece one more time. I'll look at it later and up your rating to a five because I really do like your story and some of the descriptions.
Anything in parenthesis is the correction. If you need more help, just let me know. I've been corrected many times on fanstory too. That's why I stay.
(hammered) not hammered
When (you're) a child
My Uncle Neil and my Aunt (were) there.
They picked me up and told me they (hadn't) seen me since I was three.
Well(,) I was older now(,) and (the only thing that had changed was--this whole part could come out) I wasn't in diapers anymore.
Anything (is) possible."
small (doUGHnt).
He sprung (high) off the board(,) came down like a jack
Bam(!) (R)ight into that little hole
(tourniquet),
Reads much better now. Still a few more spags I caught.
(father's) relatives have known me..
Swish(!) I went right through...
I was to go get (Mom) and tell her Dad was arguing with Uncle Olsen...Here Mom is still a title, if it was my mom or his mom, then they wouldn't need capitols...
Mom was a little angry at first(,) but the thrill of it seemed to wash over her and a few good hugs from Dad and Olsen and she was good....
When (you're) a child...This means when you are a child
I would have shouted a clue a clue...Said clue twice here.
Good work. Keep going...
Comment Written 18-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2012
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thank you for the help. corrections made. thanks again.
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Good job. Added a few more changes to review. But you did a good job at corrections.
Comment from Bina1
Read back through this, use spell check. There are several errors you can easily fix.
The first sentence is confusing, seems to run on a bit.
maybe-That was another hint that had not been given;yet I still had no confirmation. (?)
no body tells you anything vs no body tells you nothing.
Baroque vs barbecue
allways vs always
gotten vs had got
hammered vs hammared
and my aunt were there vs was there
hadn't vs hadent
Clean it up, you are off to a good start.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2012
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Read back through this, use spell check. There are several errors you can easily fix.
The first sentence is confusing, seems to run on a bit.
maybe-That was another hint that had not been given;yet I still had no confirmation. (?)
no body tells you anything vs no body tells you nothing.
Baroque vs barbecue
allways vs always
gotten vs had got
hammered vs hammared
and my aunt were there vs was there
hadn't vs hadent
Clean it up, you are off to a good start.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2012
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Okay all cleaned up I think. How bout an upgrade you killed my rating. But thanks for the corrections and I did forget to spell check it. Thanks again.
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Hey how bout an upgrade on the stars ease trying to get this up too five stars and you're killing my rating.
Comment from joann r romei
this is a great story, i cant beleive that they played that type of joke, what can be added to the chapter is alot more scene so the reader can really get a feel for what ois going on,include the 50 senses. good job
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2012
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this is a great story, i cant beleive that they played that type of joke, what can be added to the chapter is alot more scene so the reader can really get a feel for what ois going on,include the 50 senses. good job
Comment Written 18-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2012
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50 senses do you mean five senses? Thank you for the kind review ill look into adding more description.
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5, but if you can think of 50 more writing power to ya!
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How bout an upgrade in the stars I'm trying to get this up to dive stars .
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Not sure what you mean, do u have another piece I could review
