Dry Season
Two lives connected in time (see notes first)33 total reviews
Comment from Tomoso
Super stuff!
A brilliant story and very well penned. I read your notes about two stories, this rewrite work is excellent. The characters are realistic and interesting. Fung-one,I liked that nickname. The guy cleaning the shite had more sense than some officers ... that Vietnam war was a terrible waste of life.
Nice piece of fiction,thanks for read
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Super stuff!
A brilliant story and very well penned. I read your notes about two stories, this rewrite work is excellent. The characters are realistic and interesting. Fung-one,I liked that nickname. The guy cleaning the shite had more sense than some officers ... that Vietnam war was a terrible waste of life.
Nice piece of fiction,thanks for read
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Thanks for reading and the wonderful compliment of the six. Both are appreciated. Bill
Comment from Chris Tee
Well this is an absolutely breath taking story that you have written here for us old sport. Well done indeed with this splendid work here old boy.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Well this is an absolutely breath taking story that you have written here for us old sport. Well done indeed with this splendid work here old boy.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Hi Chris - thanks for reading and your nice comments. Bill
Comment from Pandora's Pen
A thought-provoking, well-written story. Thank you for sharing it. A few technical suggestions only:
I stumbled over this sentence: "Perhaps to enhance the chance of success, the area for the ARVN unit to clean up had been bombed that very morning . . . ." The meaning of the phrase "clean up" did not click until I realized that "exercises" in the previous paragraph meant real combat, not a training exercise. Perhaps a little clarification would help?
Also, you might consider moving down the sentence "He and a squad of soldiers were trucked out about ten clicks from camp," to start the next paragraph. Most of the paragraph it occupies now is devoted to describing the new phase of the war, while the next gets into the details of the actual "exercise." Just a thought.
Next: "Eddie smiled as he returned to his listening post, damn, I do have a name." I suggest a period following the word "post" and a new sentence. Otherwise (silly as it seems) it reads as if the listening post is being referenced by damn, I do have a name. It will also give that internal dialogue more punch.
"Tran thought to himself, at least if I die, I'll die with a friend. I've been with Colonel for two years and he doesn't know my name." Capitalize "At" just as you would in spoken dialogue. Also, place a comma after "years" to separate the two independent clauses.
"He couldn't help but think, today is a good day for prayer." Another moment of internal dialogue, so capitalize "today" and italicize the dialogue.
American Troops: no need to capitalize troops.
This last is tricky. "Colonel Kim reached up and patted Tran on the shoulder. Turning, he saw the Colonel smiling as he said, "It will take them awhile to re-group ..."
POV changes from the Colonel to Tran and back to the Colonel.
Try: Tran felt a hand pat on his shoulder. Turning, he saw . . .
These are picky things. Just a bit of polishing. Hope you don't mind. Again, thanks for giving us all a chance to read your work.
Pandora's Pen
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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A thought-provoking, well-written story. Thank you for sharing it. A few technical suggestions only:
I stumbled over this sentence: "Perhaps to enhance the chance of success, the area for the ARVN unit to clean up had been bombed that very morning . . . ." The meaning of the phrase "clean up" did not click until I realized that "exercises" in the previous paragraph meant real combat, not a training exercise. Perhaps a little clarification would help?
Also, you might consider moving down the sentence "He and a squad of soldiers were trucked out about ten clicks from camp," to start the next paragraph. Most of the paragraph it occupies now is devoted to describing the new phase of the war, while the next gets into the details of the actual "exercise." Just a thought.
Next: "Eddie smiled as he returned to his listening post, damn, I do have a name." I suggest a period following the word "post" and a new sentence. Otherwise (silly as it seems) it reads as if the listening post is being referenced by damn, I do have a name. It will also give that internal dialogue more punch.
"Tran thought to himself, at least if I die, I'll die with a friend. I've been with Colonel for two years and he doesn't know my name." Capitalize "At" just as you would in spoken dialogue. Also, place a comma after "years" to separate the two independent clauses.
"He couldn't help but think, today is a good day for prayer." Another moment of internal dialogue, so capitalize "today" and italicize the dialogue.
American Troops: no need to capitalize troops.
This last is tricky. "Colonel Kim reached up and patted Tran on the shoulder. Turning, he saw the Colonel smiling as he said, "It will take them awhile to re-group ..."
POV changes from the Colonel to Tran and back to the Colonel.
Try: Tran felt a hand pat on his shoulder. Turning, he saw . . .
These are picky things. Just a bit of polishing. Hope you don't mind. Again, thanks for giving us all a chance to read your work.
Pandora's Pen
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Thanks for reading and taking the time to make suggestions. I will certainly circle back around and take a look. Regards, Bill
Comment from Narvik
Intriguing, Bill. You had me with you from start to finish. Nice lead-in with the movie scene, then vivid description all the way through.
Your understated style really enhances your work. You lead us along with subtleties instead of trying to force things, and it actually has more of an impact that way. I'm trying to work on that with my own writing, so reading your stuff helps.
As for the subject matter, this is an excellent commentary on both the poitics and realities of the war. You seem to have captured the apathy, ambiguity, futility etc. just right.
Colonel Kim said it all in his prophetic statement.
I wouldn't change a word of this, Bill.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Intriguing, Bill. You had me with you from start to finish. Nice lead-in with the movie scene, then vivid description all the way through.
Your understated style really enhances your work. You lead us along with subtleties instead of trying to force things, and it actually has more of an impact that way. I'm trying to work on that with my own writing, so reading your stuff helps.
As for the subject matter, this is an excellent commentary on both the poitics and realities of the war. You seem to have captured the apathy, ambiguity, futility etc. just right.
Colonel Kim said it all in his prophetic statement.
I wouldn't change a word of this, Bill.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Thank you Eric for the nicest review I've ever received. I'm trying to sell this story. I'll keep you posted. Regards, Bill
Comment from camaria
Awesome, riveting write. I'm not a war story fan, but you've done so well with your descriptions and characters, I couldn't help, but get carried along with the story. Best thing I've read all day! Thanks.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Awesome, riveting write. I'm not a war story fan, but you've done so well with your descriptions and characters, I couldn't help, but get carried along with the story. Best thing I've read all day! Thanks.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Thank you for reading and your very kind review. Both are highly appreciated! Bill
Comment from Max Edon
I thought that this was a great story. The ending was just plain awesome. As a persom with little knowledge of the military, I found this easy to understand. What are' Buffs"?
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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I thought that this was a great story. The ending was just plain awesome. As a persom with little knowledge of the military, I found this easy to understand. What are' Buffs"?
Comment Written 07-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Hi Max - I was trying to keep as clean as possible. BUFF is a nickname for the B-52. It means, "Big-Ugly-Fat-Fucker." Thanks for reading and your kind feedback. Bill
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You are welcome
Comment from gramalot8
Bhogg, I loved this story. Is it a true one? I loved that you put them together as one story. What a good day for Tran, right, Fung-one, Eddie, decides not to shoot. Thanks for sharing with us.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Bhogg, I loved this story. Is it a true one? I loved that you put them together as one story. What a good day for Tran, right, Fung-one, Eddie, decides not to shoot. Thanks for sharing with us.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Hi - thanks for the kind and generous review. This is fiction, but based on some real world experiences. Regards, Bill
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very wel lwritten, bill, you did a great job writing this story, i'm glad that you put the two parts together into one story. i enjoyed reading it again.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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this is very wel lwritten, bill, you did a great job writing this story, i'm glad that you put the two parts together into one story. i enjoyed reading it again.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Thanks Pam - I know there was some repetiveness, but I felt that many people did not realize the connectiveness of the two. There was actually significant reduction and tightening up. Plus, I'm trying to sell the story, so wanted to release as one. Thanks for staying with it. Always warm regards, Bill
Comment from c_lucas
I reconized this as a rewrite long before I seen your author note. The American troops lived in a nightmare version of hell. They were betrayed even by their own.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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I reconized this as a rewrite long before I seen your author note. The American troops lived in a nightmare version of hell. They were betrayed even by their own.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Hi Charlie - a rewrite that I'm trying to sell. Originally, this was entered as two separate stories. Even though I explained the connectiveness, most readers viewed as two separate stories. It was re-written with a lot of editing and words taken out, but for sure a lot was repepitive. Thanks for staying with it! Regards, Bill
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You're welcome Bill. Hang in there on your marketing. You may run across an intelligent Agent who knows master wordsmithing. Charlie
Comment from WLHall
I'm not usually the type that likes war stories, but this caught my attention. It is well written. I love the way you went back and forth with the viewpoints of each side. And then how in 2010 there is peace to the point of tourism in Vietnam and how former enemies became cordial. Enjoyed very much. Great writing.
Blessings,
Wanda
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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I'm not usually the type that likes war stories, but this caught my attention. It is well written. I love the way you went back and forth with the viewpoints of each side. And then how in 2010 there is peace to the point of tourism in Vietnam and how former enemies became cordial. Enjoyed very much. Great writing.
Blessings,
Wanda
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2012
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Thanks Wanda - especially for realizing that it was more of a story about people than war. Regards, Bill
