Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 55 "Part two, Chapter 17"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
62 total reviews
Comment from emmaysavage
Very nice piece of writing. I did not get confused between the tellers and the telling. This covered necessary material and kept me wondering about Sam
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
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Very nice piece of writing. I did not get confused between the tellers and the telling. This covered necessary material and kept me wondering about Sam
Comment Written 06-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from camaria
Great Dialogue and excellent descriptions. You do very well at avoiding cliches and working original, believable details into your writing. Makes it very realistic. Wonderful read. Only had one nit and its entirely my opinion (from a reader unfamiliar with this story);
"Bobby said he used a Taurus 9MM pistol. I don't know anything about guns."
If Anna doesn't know anything about guns, would she remember the exact model of the gun used if Bobby just mentioned it in passing?
Anyways, great writing. Thanks.
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
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Great Dialogue and excellent descriptions. You do very well at avoiding cliches and working original, believable details into your writing. Makes it very realistic. Wonderful read. Only had one nit and its entirely my opinion (from a reader unfamiliar with this story);
"Bobby said he used a Taurus 9MM pistol. I don't know anything about guns."
If Anna doesn't know anything about guns, would she remember the exact model of the gun used if Bobby just mentioned it in passing?
Anyways, great writing. Thanks.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
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Probably the same reason I remember it, from a Ford Taurus and the zodiac sign. I know nothing about guns either. Thank youf or the kind review.
Comment from rheabug
I love this chapter for your book. The turn of events has made interesting reading. Seems like you are getting close to the resolution. Blessings, Linda
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
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I love this chapter for your book. The turn of events has made interesting reading. Seems like you are getting close to the resolution. Blessings, Linda
Comment Written 06-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Anisa-
Again, well done with this chapter section. You create a good, natural image for a diner setting.
A few things to note:
1. What led her to believe they went out drinking together?
2. She starts eating a salad at one point, but a salad is never mentioned. The waitress brings burgers and fries.
3. When she mentions the name of the gun Slim used in the robbery it seems odd that she would remember the name. She follows by saying she doesn't know much about guns. If I don't know much about something, I typically don't remember specific details about them.
4. She says in the beginning that she doesn't know a lot about him, but by the end it seems like she really does know a lot.
Just a few things to think about. Otherwise, great job with this and I am looking forward to the next post.
Anisa
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Again, well done with this chapter section. You create a good, natural image for a diner setting.
A few things to note:
1. What led her to believe they went out drinking together?
2. She starts eating a salad at one point, but a salad is never mentioned. The waitress brings burgers and fries.
3. When she mentions the name of the gun Slim used in the robbery it seems odd that she would remember the name. She follows by saying she doesn't know much about guns. If I don't know much about something, I typically don't remember specific details about them.
4. She says in the beginning that she doesn't know a lot about him, but by the end it seems like she really does know a lot.
Just a few things to think about. Otherwise, great job with this and I am looking forward to the next post.
Anisa
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2012
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Sorry for the tardiness of my reply, but I wanted to have time to answer all your notes.
#1My first husband I never really knew for fact, but I pretty much knew he went drinking with, just from overhearing conversations. This is from personal experience.
#2 The second paragraph in this post solves the problem with the salads. Troy reached over and touched Anna's arm. "Are you all right?"
The waitress set two salads on the table. "Your cheeseburgers and fries will be out in a few minutes. Can I refill your drinks?" She glanced at Everett. "Would you like to order?"
Troy reached over, took a chair from a vacant table, and motioned to Everett. "Please join us."
#3 Well, again this is from personal experience. I remember the name of the gun because of the Ford Taurus and the zodiac symbol. I had something to remember it by.
#4 I feel there is still a lot to know about Slim. I honestly don't believe she knows very very much about him. Only what she's heard about him and a few times she's met him.
Thank you for your review.
Comment from Gideon Roth
Hello Barbara. You have been busy turning out some great stuff if looks like. I am just returning from a long absence but was very happy to see that you are still doing a great job with your writing. Having been one who owned a few of the muscle cars of the sixties and seventies, I especially appreciated the mention of the Charger. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading your next submission...Tim
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Hello Barbara. You have been busy turning out some great stuff if looks like. I am just returning from a long absence but was very happy to see that you are still doing a great job with your writing. Having been one who owned a few of the muscle cars of the sixties and seventies, I especially appreciated the mention of the Charger. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading your next submission...Tim
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Welocme back, I have missed you. Chargers were nice cars, I just bought a new car. I tried to talk my husban into a Charger with a Hemi, but he told it would be a waste of mechinary. I told him I needed a new Public Relations person. I got a Malibu.
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Thank you, Barbara. I look forward to your input into my next post. I had two muscle cars. The first was a 429 Cobra Mustang and the other a 400 cubic inch Pontiac GTO. I miss the GTO the most. I am looking forward to your next submission...Tim
Comment from RazberryBullet
A very formidable crew of sadistic jerks. Hopefully, the PI now has enough information to zero in on them.
suggestion: His language was filthy, every other /words>word/ was a curse word.
Well done!
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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A very formidable crew of sadistic jerks. Hopefully, the PI now has enough information to zero in on them.
suggestion: His language was filthy, every other /words>word/ was a curse word.
Well done!
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sloegin
Good folowup from preceding chapter. You set the scene very well. Your charicters are believeable, and you keep moving on an even keel. I like the fact that you don't over describe.
Two things jumped out at me. (1) undress with his eyes:he made me feel like I was naked. Undress with eyes has been used many times (cliche)
(2) smashed the side of his head: hit the owner on the side of his head, almost killed him.
Keep writing. I'm waiting for the next half of chapter.
Sloegin
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Good folowup from preceding chapter. You set the scene very well. Your charicters are believeable, and you keep moving on an even keel. I like the fact that you don't over describe.
Two things jumped out at me. (1) undress with his eyes:he made me feel like I was naked. Undress with eyes has been used many times (cliche)
(2) smashed the side of his head: hit the owner on the side of his head, almost killed him.
Keep writing. I'm waiting for the next half of chapter.
Sloegin
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from TammyGail
Excellent work once again barbara
This chapter was yet again showing
your great talent for writing
this chapter was compelling
held my att throughout
excellent woro on your dialogue
Insuring the reader will be back for more
Great work and thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Excellent work once again barbara
This chapter was yet again showing
your great talent for writing
this chapter was compelling
held my att throughout
excellent woro on your dialogue
Insuring the reader will be back for more
Great work and thanks for sharing
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from hellion5
This is a great chapter, but I still don't think you give us enough about how Anna feels about things. Just my opinion, I guess.
Some spag:
1968 dodge charger--Dodge Charger
sipped her ice tea--iced tea
, every other words was--word
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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This is a great chapter, but I still don't think you give us enough about how Anna feels about things. Just my opinion, I guess.
Some spag:
1968 dodge charger--Dodge Charger
sipped her ice tea--iced tea
, every other words was--word
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review. I need to fix the Dodge Charger, and the word, but as for the ice tea, it depends on what part of the country you are from.
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The part of the country would be relevant if the ice tea were in dialogue. But in narrative, proper English prevails. Of course, down here in the South, they just skip the iced altogether and call it sweet tea. I guess they couldn't figure it out either!
Comment from Connie P
Slim has as much class as Bobby. Anna has every right to be worried, this makes me nervous for her.
Note:*It was a souped up 1968 dodge charger. *(Dodge Charger)
Connie
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Slim has as much class as Bobby. Anna has every right to be worried, this makes me nervous for her.
Note:*It was a souped up 1968 dodge charger. *(Dodge Charger)
Connie
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Thank you for the kind review.
