Palm Springs
iambic pentameter with an ababcdcdee rhyme scheme21 total reviews
Comment from babylonia
alvin,
as the picture should not need a warning on it. it is an exquisite piece of artistry as is this poem. a story within a poem and it actually makes so much sense. been reading a lot of poetry here. some are quite ... you know .... LOL
but yours is a beautiful love story. nicely done. imagery is excellent. best of luck~
love,
barbara
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2012
  |
alvin,
as the picture should not need a warning on it. it is an exquisite piece of artistry as is this poem. a story within a poem and it actually makes so much sense. been reading a lot of poetry here. some are quite ... you know .... LOL
but yours is a beautiful love story. nicely done. imagery is excellent. best of luck~
love,
barbara
Comment Written 06-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2012
-
Thanks for your great reviewl
-
you are welcome!
love,
barbara
Comment from vickib
Alvin what a story you tell in this poem that moved with grace and fear too. I love old souls and you know some of us hide our loneliness in a drink and a smoke but is not a sign to run and hide but to come on in and get to know the person hiding in there. I'm thinking this is special and rare and some of us just get a sense of a person's essence. Run with it even if it doesn't last forever, it doesn't happen very often. I really enjoyed this and how creatively you have composed it. SUPER and still no six to give. I'm finally back home to try and concentrate on a few things for the book. Have your eyes crossed and your brain faded into senryu madness yet? LOL!!!! XO Vicki
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
 |
Alvin what a story you tell in this poem that moved with grace and fear too. I love old souls and you know some of us hide our loneliness in a drink and a smoke but is not a sign to run and hide but to come on in and get to know the person hiding in there. I'm thinking this is special and rare and some of us just get a sense of a person's essence. Run with it even if it doesn't last forever, it doesn't happen very often. I really enjoyed this and how creatively you have composed it. SUPER and still no six to give. I'm finally back home to try and concentrate on a few things for the book. Have your eyes crossed and your brain faded into senryu madness yet? LOL!!!! XO Vicki
Comment Written 06-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2012
-
No, I actually have a date today with the person this is written about! Thanks for an excellent review and the virtual six.
-
RIGHT ON!!!!!! I'm excited for you.
-
He stood me up! I am moving on.
-
What? Geez! That just means you can do better. XO! MEN!?!?!? LOL!
Comment from amada
Alvin, I want to see that the story captivated. It truly caught my attention because this same scenario could happen anywhere, at any age; sometimes we just got to stomp over caution, forget the cage and just fly.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
|
Alvin, I want to see that the story captivated. It truly caught my attention because this same scenario could happen anywhere, at any age; sometimes we just got to stomp over caution, forget the cage and just fly.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
-
Thanks for a great review! See you tomorrow morning in class!
-
Yap! at 9 am dear Teach. (With lots of coffee!
Comment from Lylise
Beautiful. I read everything 3 times. These are my comments.
Round 1
How could a stranger have such strong effect? Indeed.
Alliteration:
as well as eyes
stranger strong effect
fast, smooth and slick
You know the industry? Please advise.
What in his life he could rue. Ain't it the truth?.
Daft. Love that word
I will read this 2 more times. I read everything 3 times (my own rule) The first time at the ending I went Ah-h-h-h. How sweet. Then I noticed a wave a jealousy on my part. You were steadfast. He acquiesced. Not how you had seen it in the beginning.
The artwork is fabulous. I also take this into consideration.
Round 2
Then was mum. How British of you. :)
my favorite lines ....sophisitaction I did not expect--how could a stranger have such strong effect? Powerful.
What ever could this man want with me? I know this. An old woman? What could he see in me?
Drunk and high. Scary shit.
Discarding pipe and glass... Very visual.
..not what I want. Heartbreaker? Deal breaker?
What could he gain? Loaded question straight out of insecurity.
..I wish I had what you do. Killer sentence. Heavy duty.
..grasp all the pain I endured. Interesting sentence. You think bringing pain to the situation eliminates you from the game?
..mellowness in your brown eyes. Very visual again.
French cuisine. Snob! HA!
Very brave statement...I knew now that my life had found its goal. You are braver than me, sir.
Round 3
Mostly presentation stuff.
The color of your background complements your art work which is phenomenal. Excellent. Your poem reads beautifully and I'm thinking you will ace this contest.
Good luck to you. Lynda
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
|
Beautiful. I read everything 3 times. These are my comments.
Round 1
How could a stranger have such strong effect? Indeed.
Alliteration:
as well as eyes
stranger strong effect
fast, smooth and slick
You know the industry? Please advise.
What in his life he could rue. Ain't it the truth?.
Daft. Love that word
I will read this 2 more times. I read everything 3 times (my own rule) The first time at the ending I went Ah-h-h-h. How sweet. Then I noticed a wave a jealousy on my part. You were steadfast. He acquiesced. Not how you had seen it in the beginning.
The artwork is fabulous. I also take this into consideration.
Round 2
Then was mum. How British of you. :)
my favorite lines ....sophisitaction I did not expect--how could a stranger have such strong effect? Powerful.
What ever could this man want with me? I know this. An old woman? What could he see in me?
Drunk and high. Scary shit.
Discarding pipe and glass... Very visual.
..not what I want. Heartbreaker? Deal breaker?
What could he gain? Loaded question straight out of insecurity.
..I wish I had what you do. Killer sentence. Heavy duty.
..grasp all the pain I endured. Interesting sentence. You think bringing pain to the situation eliminates you from the game?
..mellowness in your brown eyes. Very visual again.
French cuisine. Snob! HA!
Very brave statement...I knew now that my life had found its goal. You are braver than me, sir.
Round 3
Mostly presentation stuff.
The color of your background complements your art work which is phenomenal. Excellent. Your poem reads beautifully and I'm thinking you will ace this contest.
Good luck to you. Lynda
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
-
Thanks for an exceptional review. I am honored. "To keep mum" in American English means to keep silent. In Los Angeles, "the industry" means entertainment--usually films and television.
-
I hope you don't mind the extensive and lengthy review. I just adopted this format. Most people don't like it. I think it's my responsibility. People take time to write. I respect that with a thorough review. Reading each time you see different things. Usually mistakes! Yours was clean. Exceptional. I change my 5 to a 6 when I was done. You earned it.
-
No, I like analytic reviews; I also read a work three times.
-
Cool!
Comment from Judian James
Oh, this is a yummy one, Al. Is it true? I thought the story was well told and I loved the irony between the two, both looking for the same things and feeling insecure within themselves as to how they were appearing to the other. I did think "What is your name and from where do you come?" was a bit awkward and I suggest flipping it to:
"What is your name and where did you come from". Just a thought to take or toss. Excellent piece of writing
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
|
Oh, this is a yummy one, Al. Is it true? I thought the story was well told and I loved the irony between the two, both looking for the same things and feeling insecure within themselves as to how they were appearing to the other. I did think "What is your name and from where do you come?" was a bit awkward and I suggest flipping it to:
"What is your name and where did you come from". Just a thought to take or toss. Excellent piece of writing
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. So many reviewers have asked me if it is true. It is based on fact. I took your suggestion on re-writing that line. (I still have a note on my desk to review "The Cottage.")
-
Oh, don't worry about me or "The Cottage" Al. It's not one of my most brilliant by any means, it was just, at the time we were communicating, I thought you's appreciate my blank verse because you said I had been doing a lot of rhymers lately. I was just pointing out one that was not a rhymer. I honestly think you'd probably like "Fused", also a non-rhymer, better. Free verse on making love. BUT, as I said earlier, you don't have to stress about me or my work at all. I get it ... busy is busy!
Comment from nomi338
Hmm. Never trust an actor, they have a problem telling the difference between reality and playacting. This poem was nice and it hit all the points that it was expected to hit. Being a male I would have been more excited to read about discovering a naked female actor, but overall the poem was a good and enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
|
Hmm. Never trust an actor, they have a problem telling the difference between reality and playacting. This poem was nice and it hit all the points that it was expected to hit. Being a male I would have been more excited to read about discovering a naked female actor, but overall the poem was a good and enjoyable read.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. Hi, neighbor! (I live in Claremont.)
Comment from MAMONIA
Very lovely story indeed. Is it true?
It sounds believable and possible that
this is what happened.
I really enjoyed this and love what
you did with the imagery, rhythm and flow.
Lots of luck to you.
My best,
Marie
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
|
Very lovely story indeed. Is it true?
It sounds believable and possible that
this is what happened.
I really enjoyed this and love what
you did with the imagery, rhythm and flow.
Lots of luck to you.
My best,
Marie
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
-
Thanks, Marie. So many reviewers have asked if this is true. All I can say is it is based on fact. Thanks again for an excellent erview.
Comment from misscookie
I like how your poem moves and how o ndes mind and heart set of signal of dfamnger
something in you say take a chance
So times you win and some times you loser. It's just the throw of the dice.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
|
I like how your poem moves and how o ndes mind and heart set of signal of dfamnger
something in you say take a chance
So times you win and some times you loser. It's just the throw of the dice.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
-
Thanks for the exceptional review and the understanding of the poem. I am quite grateful.
-
Thank you very much have a nice day.
-
Thank you very much have a nice day.
Comment from rightforyou
Nice job on this wonderful poem /story and the format that you used making this a pleasure to read and review...Well Done...Ron
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
|
Nice job on this wonderful poem /story and the format that you used making this a pleasure to read and review...Well Done...Ron
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review.
Comment from Helvi2
Hi Al,
I think the unexpected always catches us off guard. When that happens our first reaction is to run. I think at this moment the youg man who was getting high was more open to express himself.You or the character had a reflex reaction and pre-conceived who this person was, but when you or the character took a deeper look past what you first beleived to be true, you saw something more.
The personal pain of the younger man gave him reason to express himself. His pain allowed him to see your pain and that startled you a bit. When you recognized that you felt a kinship developing.
Hope I got close to the story you wanted to tell, but writing has a way if telling many stories and a reader can weave their own from that. Loved the interactions in this.
Looks like there is hope to where this may lead.
Nice job of expressing a beginnig friendship or romance in a poetic story. Good Luck in the Contest! :o) Nancy
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
|
Hi Al,
I think the unexpected always catches us off guard. When that happens our first reaction is to run. I think at this moment the youg man who was getting high was more open to express himself.You or the character had a reflex reaction and pre-conceived who this person was, but when you or the character took a deeper look past what you first beleived to be true, you saw something more.
The personal pain of the younger man gave him reason to express himself. His pain allowed him to see your pain and that startled you a bit. When you recognized that you felt a kinship developing.
Hope I got close to the story you wanted to tell, but writing has a way if telling many stories and a reader can weave their own from that. Loved the interactions in this.
Looks like there is hope to where this may lead.
Nice job of expressing a beginnig friendship or romance in a poetic story. Good Luck in the Contest! :o) Nancy
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
-
Thanks for an excellent review. As you know, my work is often subject to many interpretations. Yours is spot on.
