Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Maiden Moon"Murder Mystery
77 total reviews
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Bev, Great beginning chapter! Very interesting, and pulls the reader right in. Good dialogue, too.
Instinctually (instinctively?), he felt the picture held clues to his mother's fate.
"The man wishes to convince everyone that he is a heyoka." (omit " here) And the woman suffers from nagi napeyapi."
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi Bev, Great beginning chapter! Very interesting, and pulls the reader right in. Good dialogue, too.
Instinctually (instinctively?), he felt the picture held clues to his mother's fate.
"The man wishes to convince everyone that he is a heyoka." (omit " here) And the woman suffers from nagi napeyapi."
Comment Written 03-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi, mumsyone. I always appreciate the time a reviewer takes to fine tune my writing. I thank you for that and for your awesome review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Gideon Roth
Hi there. I am back from a long absence and getting geared up to start another story. I was happy to see so many great submission available to read including this one. Great job on this. I did make a couple of observations for your consideration. In the line "There was one person he felt would hear his story without judgement.", a spelling you may prefer is (judgment). The spelling judgement is more often used for a legal action administered by a judge. The other is what we more commonly use for the proverbial "not pointing fingers and passing judgment on them." Anyway, certainly no error here and it is totally your call. The other observation was it looked like a comma may be needed in the following sentence: He stripped the damp bedding, threw it in the hamper(,) and quickly dressed.
I really enjoyed reading this and hope to follow your submissions as they become available. Keep up the great writing. Very well done...Gideon
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi there. I am back from a long absence and getting geared up to start another story. I was happy to see so many great submission available to read including this one. Great job on this. I did make a couple of observations for your consideration. In the line "There was one person he felt would hear his story without judgement.", a spelling you may prefer is (judgment). The spelling judgement is more often used for a legal action administered by a judge. The other is what we more commonly use for the proverbial "not pointing fingers and passing judgment on them." Anyway, certainly no error here and it is totally your call. The other observation was it looked like a comma may be needed in the following sentence: He stripped the damp bedding, threw it in the hamper(,) and quickly dressed.
I really enjoyed reading this and hope to follow your submissions as they become available. Keep up the great writing. Very well done...Gideon
Comment Written 03-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi, Gideon. Thank you so much for taking the time to critique my story with an eye for improvement. I do so appreciate the support. As soon as I get Internet access following the huge storm that took out most of our power, I'll go back into the chapter and take a look at the changes you've suggested - I'm using someone else's computer right now.
There will be many psychological aspects to the mystery as it unfolds and I hope others will enjoy reading as much as I'm enjoying writing it.
Blessings, Bev
Comment from Natureschild
I loved this well written story. You have a lovely, easy style that flows effortlessly. Can't find anything negative to comment on. Well done.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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I loved this well written story. You have a lovely, easy style that flows effortlessly. Can't find anything negative to comment on. Well done.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, Natureschild. I really appreciate this wonderfully supportive review! Blessings, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Very interiguing. I enjoyed reading this. I can't wait for more.
"What troubles you, friend?" The elder asked. (lower case 't' on the)
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Very interiguing. I enjoyed reading this. I can't wait for more.
"What troubles you, friend?" The elder asked. (lower case 't' on the)
Comment Written 02-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi, Barbara. Thank you for your wonderful review! I appreciate the good eye for the error and that you care enough to let me know. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Bellringer
Bev, I thoroughly enjoyed your creative story and use of American/Native American terms--it lent a sense of authenticity to this tale. I like how you built up the tension leading to the chilling conclusion of the chapter. Your two characters were believable and likeable. Blessings, Hector
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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Bev, I thoroughly enjoyed your creative story and use of American/Native American terms--it lent a sense of authenticity to this tale. I like how you built up the tension leading to the chilling conclusion of the chapter. Your two characters were believable and likeable. Blessings, Hector
Comment Written 02-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, Hector. I really appreciate you taking time to read the chapter and offer such a generous and supportive review. Your insights are always gladly received! Have a wonderful weekend, my friend. Bev
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You're very welcome, Bev. Well deserved recognition of this first chapter. Blessings, Hector
Comment from sunny39
What an excellent beginning. You certainly have a way to draw the reader in through your descriptions and the element of mystery that your story presents. I must become a fan so I will be sure to know when more of the story is posted.
This is excellent and I look forward to more.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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What an excellent beginning. You certainly have a way to draw the reader in through your descriptions and the element of mystery that your story presents. I must become a fan so I will be sure to know when more of the story is posted.
This is excellent and I look forward to more.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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Thank you so very much, sunny. I really appreciate your wonderful and supportive review. Father Brian is gonna be in a whole peck of trouble! Cheers, Bev
Comment from WilliamDeen
Interesting beginning. Glad I caught chapter one. Good writing and I like the intrigue between religion and Native American beliefs. Good descriptions, dialogue, and details. Well done!
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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Interesting beginning. Glad I caught chapter one. Good writing and I like the intrigue between religion and Native American beliefs. Good descriptions, dialogue, and details. Well done!
Comment Written 02-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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Thanks so much, billy. I am very pleased that you liked the chapter given your wonderful ability to write gripping fiction pieces. Thanks for stopping by! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Veronica Grace
Great read! I am so glad I came on in the beginning of this. I want to know where this takes us, so I'll be watching for you. Excellent. Nothing to change of crit.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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Great read! I am so glad I came on in the beginning of this. I want to know where this takes us, so I'll be watching for you. Excellent. Nothing to change of crit.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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Hi, Veronia. Thanks a million for this awesome review. Father Brian is going to be facing demons inside and out. So appreciate you taking time read and review, my friend.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from IndianaIrish
WOW, Bev! You've got me with this already! I like the characters (even the bad guy has my interest!!)and you jump right in with the action that makes it a page-turner for sure!
Karyn :>)
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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WOW, Bev! You've got me with this already! I like the characters (even the bad guy has my interest!!)and you jump right in with the action that makes it a page-turner for sure!
Karyn :>)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2012
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Hi, Karyn. Thanks so much for this wonderful review. I appreciate the encouragement for the series. The paranormal investigators are on hiatus - Father Brian is quite insistent at this point. I'm sure you know what I mean. Thanks again!
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Kate Walker
Dear Writingfundimension,
This was a pleasure to read. You started the novel very quickly, set up a main character we can sympathize with in Fr.Brian, and got both the mystery (with the parents) and the plot (with the unknown telephone caller) briskly under way.
I particularly liked your way with words. You have a rich writing style that achieves something like a tapestry effect with a great economy of words. Eg: 'a cataract of fear blinded him to its possibilities'. You find just the right word, that conveys both meaning and sub text.
A very small suggestion - for which I wouldn't dream of deducting stars. By the end of paragraph five I was ready for text to switch from exposition to some other device. The reader had been given a great deal of information - all of it beautifully written and engaging. But the same tone had gone on a while and my ear was ready for a change. But the exposition went on for another three paragraphs.
I personally would have liked it if you'd introduced your first few lines of dialogue earlier, that is: "Think the rain will hold off, Tony?" etc, etc. Then slipped in those remaining three paragraphs of exposition into the second section, perhaps spacing them out between the interactions of Fr Brian & Tony.
I also would have liked a quick thumbnail sketch of Tony. We don't actually get see him. And you drew such a tangible and intimate image of Fr Brian.
These are very personal responses and from the rating your first chapter has received, obviously other readers were entirely enchanted by it. And I was too. I've found the feedback from FS reviewers really helpful and I'm trying to do the same when I read for others.
Cheers, Kate
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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Dear Writingfundimension,
This was a pleasure to read. You started the novel very quickly, set up a main character we can sympathize with in Fr.Brian, and got both the mystery (with the parents) and the plot (with the unknown telephone caller) briskly under way.
I particularly liked your way with words. You have a rich writing style that achieves something like a tapestry effect with a great economy of words. Eg: 'a cataract of fear blinded him to its possibilities'. You find just the right word, that conveys both meaning and sub text.
A very small suggestion - for which I wouldn't dream of deducting stars. By the end of paragraph five I was ready for text to switch from exposition to some other device. The reader had been given a great deal of information - all of it beautifully written and engaging. But the same tone had gone on a while and my ear was ready for a change. But the exposition went on for another three paragraphs.
I personally would have liked it if you'd introduced your first few lines of dialogue earlier, that is: "Think the rain will hold off, Tony?" etc, etc. Then slipped in those remaining three paragraphs of exposition into the second section, perhaps spacing them out between the interactions of Fr Brian & Tony.
I also would have liked a quick thumbnail sketch of Tony. We don't actually get see him. And you drew such a tangible and intimate image of Fr Brian.
These are very personal responses and from the rating your first chapter has received, obviously other readers were entirely enchanted by it. And I was too. I've found the feedback from FS reviewers really helpful and I'm trying to do the same when I read for others.
Cheers, Kate
Comment Written 01-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2012
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Hi, Kate. Thank you so much for this thorough and extremely helpful review. You picked up on one area of the story that I did not feel entirely happy with - the idea of bringing dialogue in sooner. So, if I do anything further with my novel, I plan to take a closer look at how I can accomplish that. Also, I think it would be pretty easy to bring in a little more of a description of Tony who seems to already be a character of some interest to reviewers. I will certainly keep these excellent suggestions in mind as I move forward with the story. So, thanks a bunch for the great review! Kind regards, Bev
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Hi Bev,
I'm really pleased that I didn't offend you. You're an accomplished writer and I did hesitate about saying anything at all. I only make suggestions where I feel the work is worth that extra little tweaking. And I had a few reviewers in the last few days give me valuable advise that I think vastly improved my work. So I thought: No, do it, it's worth sticking your neck. I was very taken with the character of Tony too. There's a nobility about indigenous peoples that make us want a closer look at them.
Best wishes, Kate
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I hope that you will always feel free to be honest, Kate. In this case, you and I were definitely getting the same vibe. I need to go check out your portfolio! Take care, Bev
