Leslie T. Banks
A writer and the Triad28 total reviews
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi ellen
Loved this - made me chuckle at the start with that bloody phone call. I get ten of those a day.
The atmosphere, almost on the verge of hysterics at times, is great.
Do you enjoy reading Kafka? His most famous novel was the Trial. A young man K is arrested, put on trial, found guilty and executed. We, the reader, never know what crime he's supposed to have committed. And neither does poor K.
Your story has a wonderful touch of Kafka to it.
Good luck in the contest.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Hi ellen
Loved this - made me chuckle at the start with that bloody phone call. I get ten of those a day.
The atmosphere, almost on the verge of hysterics at times, is great.
Do you enjoy reading Kafka? His most famous novel was the Trial. A young man K is arrested, put on trial, found guilty and executed. We, the reader, never know what crime he's supposed to have committed. And neither does poor K.
Your story has a wonderful touch of Kafka to it.
Good luck in the contest.
Ron xox
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Ron. I do appreciate your great comments and the six is beautiful. I will check out Kafka, as you have recommended.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is something quite different
for you, Ellen - a clever approach
to the contest.
quite an intense read... and then...
My spark had fizzled - stop making me laugh
As if[,] it was.
All in all, a great contender for the contest.
Good luck to you, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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This is something quite different
for you, Ellen - a clever approach
to the contest.
quite an intense read... and then...
My spark had fizzled - stop making me laugh
As if[,] it was.
All in all, a great contender for the contest.
Good luck to you, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Margaret for your review and thinking it is a good contest entry. It is different. :)
Comment from LadyCosgrove
What can I say, except WOW! The story is entirely gripping. It yields a wild and exciting cacophony of words and terms, then puts them to excellent use. The scene is barely set before chaos charges to the forefront and throws it all up in the air. Then, once everything lands again, the reader is not quite where they thought they would be, which gives the whole thing that irrevocable air of complete madness.
I loved it!
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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What can I say, except WOW! The story is entirely gripping. It yields a wild and exciting cacophony of words and terms, then puts them to excellent use. The scene is barely set before chaos charges to the forefront and throws it all up in the air. Then, once everything lands again, the reader is not quite where they thought they would be, which gives the whole thing that irrevocable air of complete madness.
I loved it!
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much for enjoying this story. It seems that it communicated to you totally and I'm so pleased to have a review from you. It was supposed to feel completely mad. And maybe even set the reader a bit ill at ease at points. Thank you for your wonderful review. It seems to be a bit far out for some and so your comments are a treasure.:) barking dog
Comment from Just Alyx
Wow, very different, ellen, so it interested me straight away to see where it would take me. It turned into an intense downward spiral of a recognised writer totally driven by the need to produce, with the 'muses' actually his mental instability ... it seemed. This actually does happen, has happened, so it was believable for me. I can say confidently not everyone would like this style of offer, but I like its uniqueness. After all, people still rave about Franz Kafka's cockroach metamorphosis, and this is in a similar vein for the breakdown.
And then ... I enjoyed the surreal, unexpected twist at the end with the 'muse' escapees possessing the reporter, bringing into question if it's madness, or supernatural entities embedded in the building or room. Very creative. I enjoyed its difference a lot and it let my imagination run with it. Kudos for putting it out there and ignoring conventional expectations.
Your nemesis--misplaced commas--are the main thrust of the critique. Loathe me now, love me later, buddy:
I'd been sitting at my computer(,) for I don't know how many days
Possibly[,] I thought. Possibly--if you're going to mix styles for internal thoughts, you need the comma to denote the tag. The "I thought" isn't necessary to show they're internal thoughts anyway. Readers realise italics represent emphasis or internal thoughts, depending on placement, so don't need to be qualified, and you do this nowhere else.
Resolute [fingertips] met the keys
I continued, mulling over which way to go[,] which train of thought to take.
It might have been a publisher about those book chapters[,] so I listened--it's not incorrect the way you had it, it just isn't necessary because a comma will do.
"Hey, guys[,] he wants us to scoot, skedaddle, high-tail it to the hills."
I had begged the Triad--metaphoric Peaches, trite Lenny, and Oscar the [wordsmith]
["]Me, me you say? Loquacious? Moi? Jamais."
phrases and dialogue, an [ebb] and flow of spag free excellence. Whew!
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh ... Shit, now what? ... A knock at the door interrupted--the action and response are back to front here. The knock should come as the interruption, then the response, so you can simply transpose them.
All of my attention was toward the screen(,) as I listened anxiously(,)
I was [anybody's/anyone's??] to command(,) as my obedient puppet hands quivered over the keyboard.
"A what-will-be, will-be sort of thing?"--the hyphens aren't needed; it would read fine as "A what will be, will be sort of thing?"
"Here put this on, Mr. Banks." My arms slid into terry cloth sleeves, and I [knotted] a familiar belt.
"It's all right. Come along, now," authority spoke, as a hand gently pressed to my back--you could take out the comma or "as".
The hand stopped me, mid-stair step--awkward imagery. "The hand stopped my step mid-stair."??
"Yes, I see, Mr. Banks." ... recognize the strident voice of an eager publisher(,) anywhere
"()Hospitalization."//"()Termination."--take out extra spaces.
I heard the infernal, early-Saturday-morning lawnmower-cowboy(,) wheeze
"Say it, just say it, Oscar ... He knows our body's [a-gonner]["]
Just inside the doorway, an ambitious(,) young reporter(,) reached
Desperately, with his hands sweating, his [overbite] clamping tighter and deadline-fever holding his mind at a [standstill], the reporter thought: Man, I could sure use some frickin' help(,) here, or my job's T-O-A-S-T.
That didn't hurt too much, did it :)) Anyway, you'll use what you think applies and ditch the rest. Give me a shout later if you like and I'll revisit. Cheers for the teaser read. Great entry for its unique approach. Much luck. Alyx. XX
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Wow, very different, ellen, so it interested me straight away to see where it would take me. It turned into an intense downward spiral of a recognised writer totally driven by the need to produce, with the 'muses' actually his mental instability ... it seemed. This actually does happen, has happened, so it was believable for me. I can say confidently not everyone would like this style of offer, but I like its uniqueness. After all, people still rave about Franz Kafka's cockroach metamorphosis, and this is in a similar vein for the breakdown.
And then ... I enjoyed the surreal, unexpected twist at the end with the 'muse' escapees possessing the reporter, bringing into question if it's madness, or supernatural entities embedded in the building or room. Very creative. I enjoyed its difference a lot and it let my imagination run with it. Kudos for putting it out there and ignoring conventional expectations.
Your nemesis--misplaced commas--are the main thrust of the critique. Loathe me now, love me later, buddy:
I'd been sitting at my computer(,) for I don't know how many days
Possibly[,] I thought. Possibly--if you're going to mix styles for internal thoughts, you need the comma to denote the tag. The "I thought" isn't necessary to show they're internal thoughts anyway. Readers realise italics represent emphasis or internal thoughts, depending on placement, so don't need to be qualified, and you do this nowhere else.
Resolute [fingertips] met the keys
I continued, mulling over which way to go[,] which train of thought to take.
It might have been a publisher about those book chapters[,] so I listened--it's not incorrect the way you had it, it just isn't necessary because a comma will do.
"Hey, guys[,] he wants us to scoot, skedaddle, high-tail it to the hills."
I had begged the Triad--metaphoric Peaches, trite Lenny, and Oscar the [wordsmith]
["]Me, me you say? Loquacious? Moi? Jamais."
phrases and dialogue, an [ebb] and flow of spag free excellence. Whew!
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh ... Shit, now what? ... A knock at the door interrupted--the action and response are back to front here. The knock should come as the interruption, then the response, so you can simply transpose them.
All of my attention was toward the screen(,) as I listened anxiously(,)
I was [anybody's/anyone's??] to command(,) as my obedient puppet hands quivered over the keyboard.
"A what-will-be, will-be sort of thing?"--the hyphens aren't needed; it would read fine as "A what will be, will be sort of thing?"
"Here put this on, Mr. Banks." My arms slid into terry cloth sleeves, and I [knotted] a familiar belt.
"It's all right. Come along, now," authority spoke, as a hand gently pressed to my back--you could take out the comma or "as".
The hand stopped me, mid-stair step--awkward imagery. "The hand stopped my step mid-stair."??
"Yes, I see, Mr. Banks." ... recognize the strident voice of an eager publisher(,) anywhere
"()Hospitalization."//"()Termination."--take out extra spaces.
I heard the infernal, early-Saturday-morning lawnmower-cowboy(,) wheeze
"Say it, just say it, Oscar ... He knows our body's [a-gonner]["]
Just inside the doorway, an ambitious(,) young reporter(,) reached
Desperately, with his hands sweating, his [overbite] clamping tighter and deadline-fever holding his mind at a [standstill], the reporter thought: Man, I could sure use some frickin' help(,) here, or my job's T-O-A-S-T.
That didn't hurt too much, did it :)) Anyway, you'll use what you think applies and ditch the rest. Give me a shout later if you like and I'll revisit. Cheers for the teaser read. Great entry for its unique approach. Much luck. Alyx. XX
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Alyx for your great go on this story. It does look like the comma fairy flew over it. LOL I was struggling with so many voices and tense changes, I nearly felt that I was bonkers by the end. I may have said fuck the commas and so she flew in and took over. LOL I think that bit where he is going down the stairs maybe better now. If you'd like to give it a re-check and maybe up the stars. I actually got a sixer already.
This was not painful at all, Alyx. I learned a lot attempting this piece and am a terrible speller and hypens are popping in now more than necessary. It's awful when I don't even know that I need to look up a work like overbite or standstill and spell check of course says they are fine. I guess only an editor is a cure for those sorts of problems, but the comma problem can be solved with a bit more attention on my part. I am having problems with when to use a comma with adjectives. I learned that with color you don't have to put one in and if you can put an and in you're supposed to use one that's why I had one after ambitious in ambitious young reporter. If there are only two adjectives can you just leave the comma out? Is that accepted/ a rule.
Again, thank you so much for all of this 'tutoring.' It makes posting worthwhile. You're so kind, Alex.:) ellen xxx
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Comma and adjective rules? Boy, now you're asking for the convoluted. Best bet is to look up the difference between Coordinate Adjectives and Cumulative Adjectives for comma usage. Exploring and reading about it yourself, in your own way, often helps understanding more for that sort of thing, I think, especially with listed example sentences as guides. There are loads of basic guides to source on Google God, but be sure to compare a few different guidelines to check accuracy. Go for the most simplistic explanations to give yourself the base feel for it. Just these couple you missed:
I was anyone's to command(,) as my obedient puppet hands quivered over the keyboard.
I heard[,] "Call the paramedics."
Sweet, ellen, really glad it helped. Happy someone saw the sixer value in this, too. Did you know we used to be able to up it to the six after edits when the reviewer felt they rocked the roof? Can't do it now, which is a real bummer when someone puts that effort in to polish their work--I always felt it was a worthwhile incentive and made sense. Oh, well. Five will have to do, mate, and I liked the changes you chose. Great write. You're always welc. Cheers :) A.
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I have two sixes out of five reviews, that's not bad so far. And thanks to you it isn't spaggy anymore. I love the Google God. LOL
I shall visit him again soon about adjectives specifically Coordinate and Cumulative. I did this for commas and have most of that conquered. It's when I try new sentence structures, that I get it wrong. A five is fine. I'm not vying for any prized on FS. I hope the other four will tell me what she thinks need to be edited out. I may or may not change it, but as least I'd like to know what made her want to skim or skip. I have sixty words ready to cut after she mentioned it. Maybe sixty is enough to make it more fluid in the first half.
Again, many thanks for your help, Alex.
What's up with you? I haven't seen a post from you for a while. Are you entering contests in the booths? They never come to our boxes.
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No, no comps. Just a busy time of year. Should ease up after March. Tops to see this so well received, and deserved. Ya did good! X
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I'm amazed at it's reception. Thank you for your top notch help.(Now, I wonder if THAT is two words or one. Crap. LOL.)
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((LOL))
Comment from Enrique28
Well, what can I say? It's a story told in an oblique manner that kept me interested from beginning to end. Cleverly written with fine internal dialogue. A very interesting read about a psychotic obsession with a tragic consequence. Good show!
Enrique
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Well, what can I say? It's a story told in an oblique manner that kept me interested from beginning to end. Cleverly written with fine internal dialogue. A very interesting read about a psychotic obsession with a tragic consequence. Good show!
Enrique
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you so much, Enrique28 for your kind and genreous review. Yes, it was done in an oblique manner and I'm glad that it was interesting to read. :) barking dog
Comment from Kate Walker
Hi Barking Dog,
This is very clever. You portray the angst of a writer like you've been living there yourself. All those chatty Muses vying for attention are a hoot. And each with their own personality and agenda.
You have a regular run of funny, literary phrases. The style is glib (in the best sense of the word) making it zesty to read.
Loved the ending where the reporter arrives and starts his piece with 'The room was empty'.
The idea is great. The writing is impressive, lively, quirky. Great job!
Kate
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Hi Barking Dog,
This is very clever. You portray the angst of a writer like you've been living there yourself. All those chatty Muses vying for attention are a hoot. And each with their own personality and agenda.
You have a regular run of funny, literary phrases. The style is glib (in the best sense of the word) making it zesty to read.
Loved the ending where the reporter arrives and starts his piece with 'The room was empty'.
The idea is great. The writing is impressive, lively, quirky. Great job!
Kate
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Hi Kate, I do appreciate your comments and you are correct in that the first part was about him doing battle with his muses and I need to establish that they drove him insane and probably caused his death from obsesive writing, not eating, not paying the heat bill, etc. Then the police come probably from the smell of his dead wife reported by the neighbors. Leslie dies facing reality and him muses who have lives of their own leave him to haunt/ inhabit the young reporter. Without the beginning, the end would have no meaning. Please, reconsider your stars as you say it is impressive, lively, quirky and good. It is not just a detective or death of Doris story which is all it would be without the muses driving his obsession. I hoped that people would see that the reporter would be similarly obsessed by the Triad's influence.
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Hi BD,
I followed the story entirely, just as you paraphrased it above. Yes, his Muses drove him insane - got that.
I don't think you're going to lose any of that by tightening up the first half of the text. Some great writer - can't remember who - once said: 'For every word you edit out, another reader will stay with you.' And that's what was going through my head as I was reading.
I was thinking: This is good, lively writing that leaps off the page but...
I'm not an impatient reader but I was scanning ahead, skipping lines. Not because they were sub-standard, they most definitely were not. There were just too many of them.
You did a better job than you know. You didn't need to work that hard at it.
But look, I'm one reader. These things are very much a matter of personal taste. If nobody else suggests editing, then leave it as it is. Ultimately the work is yours and yours must be final call on it.
Sorry! Kate
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How can I tighten it up and stay with in the word count? Do you want me to cut out some of the muses talking is that where you found yourself skipping. I do want to make it better and if you can tell me where you found yourself skipping, I'll go there and check. It is just hard to know in one's own work what a reader finds or wants to skim/skip. I'm not the least bit unwilling to edit(as long as I can stay at the 2000 word minimum) Would you be willing to help me by telling me where you found yourself 'scanning ahead, skipping lines,' etc. I do want it to have good flow throughout. Thank you so much. I am still learning. :) barking dog
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Hi BD,
I've read through the first half of the story again and done a quick, sample edit. I don't know how to get it to you. I'm new to FS. Is there some way of sending text with underlines and lines thru?
Kate
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Hi BD,
I'm probably on the other side of the world from you and it's getting late and I need to go to bed. Hopefully we'll catch up tomorrow. BTW, the minimum word count for that comp is 700. G'night! Kate
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You can send it to my email ehines1000@aol.com or go to my profile page and hit the box that says contact and you will get a message form that will go to my PM.
I have found sixty words to cut. I wonder if they are the same as yours. LOL thank you so much. I do want this to be a better piece.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Ellen :)
I haven't a single clue how you came up with this piece, but you did. It's a bit long to hold a reader into such a story. It's somewhat confusing to read. A mental breakdown and eventual death of an author? If the writer dies how can the story be told from his POV?
Your writer won the Pulitzer, but couldn't convince anyone else of his brilliance. Now there's a contradiction.
I wish you luck with the contest.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Hi Ellen :)
I haven't a single clue how you came up with this piece, but you did. It's a bit long to hold a reader into such a story. It's somewhat confusing to read. A mental breakdown and eventual death of an author? If the writer dies how can the story be told from his POV?
Your writer won the Pulitzer, but couldn't convince anyone else of his brilliance. Now there's a contradiction.
I wish you luck with the contest.
Ted
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Ted. POV again? Shit. We'll see how this goes. Maybe he was a one hit wonder or lost him capacity to write as he grew old. May artists are one hit wonders, even the greats. Many loose their capacity later. Maybe, he had a car wreck and is brain-damaged. Who knows. Do you want a book? LOL that's how 'Gima' got started people wanted to know more about the characters. It had to be a minimum of 2000 words. Thank you for your honest review. He didn't die until the end when he told Doris, Ilove you in italic. The supernatural then took over to allow his characters to enter the reporter's brain. The POV changes to omniscent in the reporter section. This is legal. LOL
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Okay :)
You met the contest requirements and we'll see where it goes.
Some of the narrative reminded me of H.P Lovecraft. He was a strange writer. He died penniless somewhere on Long Island or in New Jersey. After his death, some editor or publisher found his writings and got them published. There's been a couple of movies made from his weird works.
Ted
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So when they find me dead, I'll be famous. WOW! Something to look forward to. LOL
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Hi :)
Loved you comment about dying to become famous. In Lovecraft's case his family reaped the harvest.
Ted
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The piece is doing very well. Lots of sixes and no POV complaints. LOL. We'll see what tomorrow brings.:)
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Glad it's working for you. Good luck with it.
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:)ellen
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Nice :)
Comment from Chris Tee
This is a wonderful story with some bizarre connotations that we have here from your pen. Well done with this splendid work here. It was indeed a pleasure read and good luck in the contest old sport.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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This is a wonderful story with some bizarre connotations that we have here from your pen. Well done with this splendid work here. It was indeed a pleasure read and good luck in the contest old sport.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2012
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Thank you, Chris for being the first review in on this new post. I do appreciate you kind and generous review.:) barking dog
