Jasmine
a contest entry17 total reviews
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hi Alvin you have a real clever way of keeping a reader's attention . I know I had much interest with your characters and their thoughts I must say you have a dry humorous remarks
I found a few nits. I hope you understand how I
noted where they are.
I saw the Amazon gazelle speak to the effeminate ((manboy)) ((Should this be two words) in the Speedo lounging with his feet in the pool. Calling her an Amazon depersonalized her, so I could ignore the unwanted stirring in my loins. I had thought the ((manboy)) was gay until she spoke to him. She addressed him as Sean and asked him if he wanted to come back inside with her to her and apparently his room. Odd, I always thought of Sean as a masculine Irish name, which didn't fit this young actor/model/dancer I associated with Los Angeles and Hollywood. They disappeared inside.
"Are you having fun, Sandy?" Carole had come out of her villa and was now standing over me, blocking my sun.
"Loads, Carole, just loads."
"Well, I say from the look of it, Jasmine did have an effect on you."
I automatically crossed my legs. It would be wrong if I cheated on Lenore.
"Only ((animalistically)) speaking. You know my heart will always belong to Lenore." Good Lord, that sounded corny.
"Look, Sanford. It's been five years. It's time to move on. You stay cooped up in that high rise on Lake Michigan, order your groceries from the market, and never go out. You even arranged it so you could work out of home. What is it they call it--telecommuting? You would never see another soul if I didn't drag you outside once in a while."
"Carole, you're a good sister. But I'm fine, really just fine. I like being alone."
"Then how do you explain that tent in your trunks?"
"You really need to learn to express yourself more fully. You hold way too much back." I jumped into the pool.
"How did you know her name was Jasmine, Carole?"
"I don't. That's just her stage name. She's in the industry."
Carole ((and)) (with) all her West Coast lingo. In the industry meant Jasmine was in the entertainment field and that could mean anything. With her height, she probably was a character actor.
"She works with Sean, Sandy."
"Sean? You mean the skinny, scrawny kid?"
"Yeah, I met him a while back at a party. It was a theme party--Cougars meet Studs."
I didn't know what was funnier--thinking of Carole with her linebacker build as a cougar or the emaciated Sean as a stud. I hadn't laughed, even inside, in a long time. It felt good.
"What were you doing at that party?"
"I don't know what you think of me, but Carlos left me very well off. Money talks here in California. I think Sean likes me."
Ah, here comes the lonely rich widow act. Carole was anything but lonely. She was the stereotype of the lady who lunches. I was the lonely one. Oddly enough, I didn't feel lonely now. I wanted to see Jasmine again, but what would Lenore think?
"And you're not worried about the thirty year age difference?"
"Shut your mouth, big brother. I am just fine. I can train him right."
"And I thought he was gay..."
Carole giggled. She shook like a bowl full of...what was wrong with me? I usually don't think this giddily.
"Well, you're sort of right, he's bisexual. He's an adult film star."
"You want to date a hustler." I come out of the water and ((dry)) (dried) myself off.
"I didn't say a hustler; I said an actor."
"In adult films?" I am scrubbing myself furiously with a towel.
Jasmine and Sean reappear with a bong. They sit down in lounge chairs on the opposite side of the pool and start getting high on marijuana.
"Carole, it's time for me to leave. This isn't for me." I need to be back on the next plane to Chicago. ((Now. )) (NOW!)
"Relax, Sandy. No one cares here. Besides, I thought you were sweet on Jasmine."
It just hit me. What kind of a name is Jasmine? Who names their daughter Jasmine? Oh, that's right...it's a STAGE name.
"Uh, Carole, what does, er, Jasmine, do?"
"Sandy, that's a loaded question in California. One you definitely don't ask. Or, if you prefer, you can ask her."
Carole saunters over to the other side of the pool and then, to my total surprise, takes a hit on the bong which is(( proferred)) ( preferred) ( by Sean. The two of them converse for a while, then go back to Carole's villa. I imagine her on top of him and shudder. I quickly put that thought out of my mind.
I notice there is no one else but Jasmine and me at the pool. I walk over to, er, Jasmine.
(("Hi. Looks like we're the only two here.")) ( Alvin) to me it seems fragmented line) Will Lenore ever forgive me?
"Yes, I'm Jasmine. Like the perfume, not the musician. Would you like a hit?"
"No, I wouldn't." I am such a charmer.
"That's okay. I'll put it away." She gets up and heads in the direction of her room.
"No, you don't have to go. It's just that I'm uncomfortable with people. My wife died and I haven't..." Go ahead, Sandy, pour your heart on.
"Oh, I understand. Gosh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm raising Trevor on my own. It's really hard to be a single parent. A good friend of mine in L A is watching him this weekend."
"So your husband? Did he...uh...pass on?"
"Oh, you are sweet. No, I don't know who Trevor's father is."
Oh boy. I could catch all sorts of venereal diseases here. Lenore would never forgive me if I brought back something. ((Wait a minute..she's dead!)) (Wait a minute. She's dead)
"So are there a lot of men in your life?" Now that definitely was a stupid question.
"I suppose you could say that. ((No one that matters, though)) ( Alvin to me read awkward). Sean does, I guess, but I don't mix work and play."
"So you work with Sean? He doesn't seem your type."
"Oh, you mean how girlish he is? You'd be surprised at the amount of pain he can take."
Where is this going? And why am I not leaving?
"My sister told me Sean was an actor."
"Actor? He's more like an escort...you know, sex for money. A hustler." (( sex for money; a hustler)
I wonder if Carole knows this. I think she probably does...Did she set me up with Jasmine?
"And you...?" For some strange reason, I don't want my heart broken by someone I just met...and how is that possible?
"Yes, I do adult films. I am a dominatrix. I also escort. It's been nice talking to you, Sandy."
"How do you know my name?"
"Carole told me. She thought I would be good for you. She didn't tell me what a jerk you were."
"What?"
"I can see that moral look in your eyes. She's a whore, she doesn't know who the father of her child is, and her real name probably isn't Jasmine. Well, it isn't."
"So what is your real name?"
"What do you care? If you must know, it's Mary. You know, like the Virgin Mary, not Mary Magdalene. My mother was a devout Catholic. She died when I was twelve. Then my father took to boozing and raping me every night. When I was old enough to run away, I did. I lived on the streets of Hollywood until some pimp/producer found me and put me in adult films. Since then I've had a good life and a wonderful son whom I love."
I want to jump in the water and bury my face. I look up to Heaven instead, wondering if there is a God.
"Well, like I said, it's been nice talking to you...Jerk."
"Wait a minute...I'm not like that."
"I'm listening. It's Carole's dime, anyway. She paid me." Jasmine bitterly spat the words out.
"Look, I'm a widower. I'm still in love with my wife. But my sister tells me it's time to move on."
I pause and take in a deep breath.
"I don't know what Lenore would think. Carole keeps telling me she would want me to be happy. But I just don't know."
Jasmine's/Mary's voice became soft, almost quiet. "What do you want, Sandy?"
"I want to be with a woman because she wants to be with me, not because my sister paid her to."
"That's really sweet."
"Yeah, right."
She gave me a half-smile. " ((No, I mean it.")) (do you need a comma after NO?)
"So the money doesn't mean that much to you?"
"No, Carole actually drove a bargain with me. She's rather tight with her late husband's money. I'll bet ((Sean'll))
(Sean will) surprised when he finds out how, ahem, tight."
Gert
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2012
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Hi Alvin you have a real clever way of keeping a reader's attention . I know I had much interest with your characters and their thoughts I must say you have a dry humorous remarks
I found a few nits. I hope you understand how I
noted where they are.
I saw the Amazon gazelle speak to the effeminate ((manboy)) ((Should this be two words) in the Speedo lounging with his feet in the pool. Calling her an Amazon depersonalized her, so I could ignore the unwanted stirring in my loins. I had thought the ((manboy)) was gay until she spoke to him. She addressed him as Sean and asked him if he wanted to come back inside with her to her and apparently his room. Odd, I always thought of Sean as a masculine Irish name, which didn't fit this young actor/model/dancer I associated with Los Angeles and Hollywood. They disappeared inside.
"Are you having fun, Sandy?" Carole had come out of her villa and was now standing over me, blocking my sun.
"Loads, Carole, just loads."
"Well, I say from the look of it, Jasmine did have an effect on you."
I automatically crossed my legs. It would be wrong if I cheated on Lenore.
"Only ((animalistically)) speaking. You know my heart will always belong to Lenore." Good Lord, that sounded corny.
"Look, Sanford. It's been five years. It's time to move on. You stay cooped up in that high rise on Lake Michigan, order your groceries from the market, and never go out. You even arranged it so you could work out of home. What is it they call it--telecommuting? You would never see another soul if I didn't drag you outside once in a while."
"Carole, you're a good sister. But I'm fine, really just fine. I like being alone."
"Then how do you explain that tent in your trunks?"
"You really need to learn to express yourself more fully. You hold way too much back." I jumped into the pool.
"How did you know her name was Jasmine, Carole?"
"I don't. That's just her stage name. She's in the industry."
Carole ((and)) (with) all her West Coast lingo. In the industry meant Jasmine was in the entertainment field and that could mean anything. With her height, she probably was a character actor.
"She works with Sean, Sandy."
"Sean? You mean the skinny, scrawny kid?"
"Yeah, I met him a while back at a party. It was a theme party--Cougars meet Studs."
I didn't know what was funnier--thinking of Carole with her linebacker build as a cougar or the emaciated Sean as a stud. I hadn't laughed, even inside, in a long time. It felt good.
"What were you doing at that party?"
"I don't know what you think of me, but Carlos left me very well off. Money talks here in California. I think Sean likes me."
Ah, here comes the lonely rich widow act. Carole was anything but lonely. She was the stereotype of the lady who lunches. I was the lonely one. Oddly enough, I didn't feel lonely now. I wanted to see Jasmine again, but what would Lenore think?
"And you're not worried about the thirty year age difference?"
"Shut your mouth, big brother. I am just fine. I can train him right."
"And I thought he was gay..."
Carole giggled. She shook like a bowl full of...what was wrong with me? I usually don't think this giddily.
"Well, you're sort of right, he's bisexual. He's an adult film star."
"You want to date a hustler." I come out of the water and ((dry)) (dried) myself off.
"I didn't say a hustler; I said an actor."
"In adult films?" I am scrubbing myself furiously with a towel.
Jasmine and Sean reappear with a bong. They sit down in lounge chairs on the opposite side of the pool and start getting high on marijuana.
"Carole, it's time for me to leave. This isn't for me." I need to be back on the next plane to Chicago. ((Now. )) (NOW!)
"Relax, Sandy. No one cares here. Besides, I thought you were sweet on Jasmine."
It just hit me. What kind of a name is Jasmine? Who names their daughter Jasmine? Oh, that's right...it's a STAGE name.
"Uh, Carole, what does, er, Jasmine, do?"
"Sandy, that's a loaded question in California. One you definitely don't ask. Or, if you prefer, you can ask her."
Carole saunters over to the other side of the pool and then, to my total surprise, takes a hit on the bong which is(( proferred)) ( preferred) ( by Sean. The two of them converse for a while, then go back to Carole's villa. I imagine her on top of him and shudder. I quickly put that thought out of my mind.
I notice there is no one else but Jasmine and me at the pool. I walk over to, er, Jasmine.
(("Hi. Looks like we're the only two here.")) ( Alvin) to me it seems fragmented line) Will Lenore ever forgive me?
"Yes, I'm Jasmine. Like the perfume, not the musician. Would you like a hit?"
"No, I wouldn't." I am such a charmer.
"That's okay. I'll put it away." She gets up and heads in the direction of her room.
"No, you don't have to go. It's just that I'm uncomfortable with people. My wife died and I haven't..." Go ahead, Sandy, pour your heart on.
"Oh, I understand. Gosh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm raising Trevor on my own. It's really hard to be a single parent. A good friend of mine in L A is watching him this weekend."
"So your husband? Did he...uh...pass on?"
"Oh, you are sweet. No, I don't know who Trevor's father is."
Oh boy. I could catch all sorts of venereal diseases here. Lenore would never forgive me if I brought back something. ((Wait a minute..she's dead!)) (Wait a minute. She's dead)
"So are there a lot of men in your life?" Now that definitely was a stupid question.
"I suppose you could say that. ((No one that matters, though)) ( Alvin to me read awkward). Sean does, I guess, but I don't mix work and play."
"So you work with Sean? He doesn't seem your type."
"Oh, you mean how girlish he is? You'd be surprised at the amount of pain he can take."
Where is this going? And why am I not leaving?
"My sister told me Sean was an actor."
"Actor? He's more like an escort...you know, sex for money. A hustler." (( sex for money; a hustler)
I wonder if Carole knows this. I think she probably does...Did she set me up with Jasmine?
"And you...?" For some strange reason, I don't want my heart broken by someone I just met...and how is that possible?
"Yes, I do adult films. I am a dominatrix. I also escort. It's been nice talking to you, Sandy."
"How do you know my name?"
"Carole told me. She thought I would be good for you. She didn't tell me what a jerk you were."
"What?"
"I can see that moral look in your eyes. She's a whore, she doesn't know who the father of her child is, and her real name probably isn't Jasmine. Well, it isn't."
"So what is your real name?"
"What do you care? If you must know, it's Mary. You know, like the Virgin Mary, not Mary Magdalene. My mother was a devout Catholic. She died when I was twelve. Then my father took to boozing and raping me every night. When I was old enough to run away, I did. I lived on the streets of Hollywood until some pimp/producer found me and put me in adult films. Since then I've had a good life and a wonderful son whom I love."
I want to jump in the water and bury my face. I look up to Heaven instead, wondering if there is a God.
"Well, like I said, it's been nice talking to you...Jerk."
"Wait a minute...I'm not like that."
"I'm listening. It's Carole's dime, anyway. She paid me." Jasmine bitterly spat the words out.
"Look, I'm a widower. I'm still in love with my wife. But my sister tells me it's time to move on."
I pause and take in a deep breath.
"I don't know what Lenore would think. Carole keeps telling me she would want me to be happy. But I just don't know."
Jasmine's/Mary's voice became soft, almost quiet. "What do you want, Sandy?"
"I want to be with a woman because she wants to be with me, not because my sister paid her to."
"That's really sweet."
"Yeah, right."
She gave me a half-smile. " ((No, I mean it.")) (do you need a comma after NO?)
"So the money doesn't mean that much to you?"
"No, Carole actually drove a bargain with me. She's rather tight with her late husband's money. I'll bet ((Sean'll))
(Sean will) surprised when he finds out how, ahem, tight."
Gert
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 03-Sep-2012
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I think all your corrections are right. I'l fix them when and if I publish it. Thanks for a good review.
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You are welcome Alvin
Gert
Comment from Kate Walker
Hi Alvin,
I doubt you'll get rich writing Senryus but I reckon you've got a good chance with your thigh-slappers. Again, it was the narrator's asides that had me smiling. You've got a great sense of literary humor.
Kate
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Hi Alvin,
I doubt you'll get rich writing Senryus but I reckon you've got a good chance with your thigh-slappers. Again, it was the narrator's asides that had me smiling. You've got a great sense of literary humor.
Kate
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Thanks for the excellent review and the compliment. Maybe I should do stand-up...
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Just to clarify, I didn't mean 'you' won't get rich writing Senryu. I meant NOBODY will. Kate
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Well, I am editing a book on senryu by women. Wait until it comes out!
Comment from IndianaIrish
Hi Alvin! Your story was interesting and kept me reading to see what happened between Sandy and the gazelle. Good dialogue and the storyline moved along well. I liked the ending. A couple of things to look over...
grace of a gazelle my wife(,) Lenore
70 degrees Fahrenheit (do you think Fahrenheit is needed since we know it's in US?
all three hundred pounds of her body(,) and one
come back inside with her to (is it Jasmine and Sedan's room?)their room.
She works with (I thought his name was Sean??)Tommy, Sandy.
Best of luck in the contest with your story, Al.
Indy :>)
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Hi Alvin! Your story was interesting and kept me reading to see what happened between Sandy and the gazelle. Good dialogue and the storyline moved along well. I liked the ending. A couple of things to look over...
grace of a gazelle my wife(,) Lenore
70 degrees Fahrenheit (do you think Fahrenheit is needed since we know it's in US?
all three hundred pounds of her body(,) and one
come back inside with her to (is it Jasmine and Sedan's room?)their room.
She works with (I thought his name was Sean??)Tommy, Sandy.
Best of luck in the contest with your story, Al.
Indy :>)
Comment Written 20-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2012
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Oh, Good Lord, how did I miss I changed his name? Thank you so much for this. I included Fahrenheit for all the non-American readers. I'll fix this right away. I don't have any Reviewer nominations left--remind me to give you one next month.
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I think I caught everything. If you have the time, would you give it a glance over? Would you believe that Sean was his real name and Tommy was his stage name? Didn't think so.
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I just found one Tommy...
My sister told me Tommy was an actor
While reading through it again, Al, I noticed how often you used the names. Most people don't use the person they're speaking to name, but as a writer we have to soemtimes to keep the speakers straight. But instead of using names so much, you can substitute pronouns or instead of carole, sister can be used. When just Jasmine and Sandy are talking, you don't have to have them use their names so much because we pretty much know who's talking to whom. Just a suggestion, okay?
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OK, I think I fixed it. I'll look it over for proper names in the morning.
Comment from PHILIP LEA
THE BOOK IS GREAT IT GIVES PEOPLE SOMETHING TO LEARN.THE AUTHER DID A GREAT JOB. THE BOOK NEEDS NO MORE WORK.I LIKED THE BOOK IT IS INTRESTING AND YOU CAN LEARN FROM IT.THE PICTURES AND ART WOK ARE GREAT.SO HIS IS WRITING GREAT.YOURS TRULY PHILIP LEA.philip.lea@live.com
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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THE BOOK IS GREAT IT GIVES PEOPLE SOMETHING TO LEARN.THE AUTHER DID A GREAT JOB. THE BOOK NEEDS NO MORE WORK.I LIKED THE BOOK IT IS INTRESTING AND YOU CAN LEARN FROM IT.THE PICTURES AND ART WOK ARE GREAT.SO HIS IS WRITING GREAT.YOURS TRULY PHILIP LEA.philip.lea@live.com
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thank you for an extraordinary review. I am highly honored.
Comment from cthomsen
This is great. I knew Jasmine was going to be a colorful character. Your characters were developed well - and the lively banter was fun to read. I would love to see where this goes...
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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This is great. I knew Jasmine was going to be a colorful character. Your characters were developed well - and the lively banter was fun to read. I would love to see where this goes...
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks for a great review. I am wondering myself where this will go!
Comment from Fluffyhead
I laughed most of the time. Expecially the part about giddy thoughts and the tent in the character's pants and his sister was a hoot. The part about thinking of his wife was still alive reminded me of the salesman in Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Hope you write more.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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I laughed most of the time. Expecially the part about giddy thoughts and the tent in the character's pants and his sister was a hoot. The part about thinking of his wife was still alive reminded me of the salesman in Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Hope you write more.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thank you. There is more in my portfolio. Much, much more. What is "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"?
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a movie with John Candy from the 80's. Steve martin plays the straight guy and Candy plays this irrepressible annoyingly cheerful salesman that drives him crazy and makes him realize what he has.
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I must rent that movie some time.
Comment from jimbo starr
Not a bad yarn with many spaces and places to go. Picture painted well of 'where' and your style brings in the 'smells, weather, and time', perfectly. Love the intro of Jasmine/Mary/?, clever with a huge pit of 'fraud' to jump into with poor old nearly straight 'Sandy'. Just a point on flow maybe with to many 'Carole's' and check singular/plurals but you no doubt, like all writers, chuck the 'gut' out there and do the rubbish later. Fantastic write with a real slant on a 'Valentine story' or will this be 'The Sandy Valentines Day Sexual Massacre'. Simply very clever.You should win.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Not a bad yarn with many spaces and places to go. Picture painted well of 'where' and your style brings in the 'smells, weather, and time', perfectly. Love the intro of Jasmine/Mary/?, clever with a huge pit of 'fraud' to jump into with poor old nearly straight 'Sandy'. Just a point on flow maybe with to many 'Carole's' and check singular/plurals but you no doubt, like all writers, chuck the 'gut' out there and do the rubbish later. Fantastic write with a real slant on a 'Valentine story' or will this be 'The Sandy Valentines Day Sexual Massacre'. Simply very clever.You should win.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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You are very kind. I have been worried abut this story and you have reassured me. Where should I check singulars/plurals? I know I can miss those. I would appreciate your help on that, if you would be so kind. Thank you for an extraordinary review.
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'I jump, I jumped into the pool to deflate. (but still works) and maybe Cougar meets Stud to emphasise the 'talk' later. Just a thought though. And the old saying 'Go with the gut', it usually is right.J.S.(P.S) Love this the more I read it.
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My writing is a little more subtle than the first suggestion, but I took your advice on the second.
Comment from burton.0115
This is quite sweet - in a way! Well written and very American.(I am Welsh so it seems that way to me).
A good story line I think.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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This is quite sweet - in a way! Well written and very American.(I am Welsh so it seems that way to me).
A good story line I think.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2012
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Thanks for a good review; where do you see it needs improvement? I haven't received many reviews for the story, so I am looking for ways to improve it.
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I don't feel I am qualified to tell you that, it's only my conception of it you see.
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Everyone's opinion matters. All professional writers need audiences, or we would starve. I can certainly judge what you think of the story; I truly would like to know how you think it could be improved.
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I've read it again and think it gets better with age! No changes needed as far as I can see.
Comment from Jean Lutz
Even though I live near New Orleans I still can be sort of innocent or maybe dumb. I clicked on the title thinking I was going to be reading about a flower. Oh well, it was a fun read with a good ending. As you know it is Mardi Gras season and today the parades were rained out and tornado warnings. Clouds are supposed to be clearing. Mild temperatures and sunshine should smile down on Tuesday, Mardi Gras day.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Even though I live near New Orleans I still can be sort of innocent or maybe dumb. I clicked on the title thinking I was going to be reading about a flower. Oh well, it was a fun read with a good ending. As you know it is Mardi Gras season and today the parades were rained out and tornado warnings. Clouds are supposed to be clearing. Mild temperatures and sunshine should smile down on Tuesday, Mardi Gras day.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Yes, I am celebrating on Mardi Gras! and enjoying Carnival right now in sunny California! Thanks for a great review.
Comment from Linda England Bonam
This was such a cute story that I enjoyed reading a lot. You did a nice job with the conversations, and it was well worth my time to read. It is my pleasure to do a review for something that is this well written!
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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This was such a cute story that I enjoyed reading a lot. You did a nice job with the conversations, and it was well worth my time to read. It is my pleasure to do a review for something that is this well written!
Comment Written 17-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Thank you. You are very kind.
