The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Red Dress chapter fourteen"The story of a teenage girl
13 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
bunny time bunny time: -)
Ahhh, the troubled young lovers finally get a chance to be alone. :-)
I was hoping the police would be able to throw Cruella to the Loch Ness Monster with a rump roast tied around her neck..
A girl can dream!
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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bunny time bunny time: -)
Ahhh, the troubled young lovers finally get a chance to be alone. :-)
I was hoping the police would be able to throw Cruella to the Loch Ness Monster with a rump roast tied around her neck..
A girl can dream!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2012
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Brilliant! (I think it would eat the rump roast and leave her behind!) I'm trying to keep up with you, but you are so fast! Thank you. Alexis
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
When they got back into the car[,] they kissed, not touching[,] as they had that morning, because they knew where it would lead.
"What's wrong[,] Lisa...you look like you've seen a ghost!"
"Jack[,] come through here! There seems to be a problem...." She called through to her husband in the front lounge.
What's that policewoman called[,] Lisa?" he asked impatiently.
Searching through her pockets[,] she pulled out the card Eve had given her, and handed it to Jack.
"We'll try and sort something out at this end. Leave that one with us," he replied[.]
Lisa started apologising on her mother's behalf yet again[] before they heard Fiona Collins shouting.
After a few moments[,] they had to endure it again.
until she couldn't hear any of[] it anymore.
Alan had phoned his flat mate, Mike[,] to tell him she was on her
time the day's events came into her mind[,] she pushed them away again, with the exception of her and Alan's abortive love making in the car that morning.
As she lay back in the bath[,] she imagined his lips on hers,
After fifteen minutes[,] she felt herself drifting off to sleep so thought it best to get out.
When she came out of the bathroom[,] she could hear the sound of voices in the living room[] so made her way towards it thinking Alan had arrived. As she
approached the door[,] she realised that the voices came from the television, so she turned and went back to Alan's room.
When he went through to the bathroom[,] he could smell the aromatic bath salts
be careful of your paragraphing. all paragraphs should begin on the margin; no indentations.
Roberta
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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When they got back into the car[,] they kissed, not touching[,] as they had that morning, because they knew where it would lead.
"What's wrong[,] Lisa...you look like you've seen a ghost!"
"Jack[,] come through here! There seems to be a problem...." She called through to her husband in the front lounge.
What's that policewoman called[,] Lisa?" he asked impatiently.
Searching through her pockets[,] she pulled out the card Eve had given her, and handed it to Jack.
"We'll try and sort something out at this end. Leave that one with us," he replied[.]
Lisa started apologising on her mother's behalf yet again[] before they heard Fiona Collins shouting.
After a few moments[,] they had to endure it again.
until she couldn't hear any of[] it anymore.
Alan had phoned his flat mate, Mike[,] to tell him she was on her
time the day's events came into her mind[,] she pushed them away again, with the exception of her and Alan's abortive love making in the car that morning.
As she lay back in the bath[,] she imagined his lips on hers,
After fifteen minutes[,] she felt herself drifting off to sleep so thought it best to get out.
When she came out of the bathroom[,] she could hear the sound of voices in the living room[] so made her way towards it thinking Alan had arrived. As she
approached the door[,] she realised that the voices came from the television, so she turned and went back to Alan's room.
When he went through to the bathroom[,] he could smell the aromatic bath salts
be careful of your paragraphing. all paragraphs should begin on the margin; no indentations.
Roberta
Comment Written 30-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jan-2012
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My thanks again, Roberta. Oh, I so wish I could get it right all by myself. Hopefully, one day I will. I'm a bit confused about the indentation thing because I've been told on a couple of occasions that all dialogue and new paragraphs should be indented five spaces, but paragraphs after dialogue shouldn't. I'm confused. Your English and punctuation is always spot on so trust that your correct. Can you shed any light? Thank you again. Alexis x
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There are several types of indenting paragraphs. When you leave blank lines between them, no indentation is necessary because the blank line tells you it's a new paragraph. That is called the "block style."
I don't know if you use the advance editor, or the regular one, when you post, but it tells you not to indent.
There is another style, but I don't know what it's called. You leave no blank line between the paragraphs and indent to the fifth space. You can do this by setting a tab at the fifth space, or spacing four times.
Whichever you use, though, you follow consistently throughout. There is no such thing as indenting some and not others. You can Google "paragraph styles" to double check who's correct; that's what I do when I get advice and I think I know differently. It is also recommended that you obtain a style guide and follow it. then your work will be consistent.
Another reason I suggest you do no indenting is this: If you choose to publish your book as an ebook on Kindle and/or smashwords, you have to prepare your book in Microsoft Word usingnormal style which automatically does not put a blank line between paragraphs and indents for the paragraphs. You cannot use the tab nor the spacing for paragraphs because it messes up the program that converts your book into the ebook. It's easier to convert block styel into the proper Word style. If you have tabs or spacing, you have to remove them all.
You have to turn off all automatic ffeatures when preparig your book for convertion because there can be no hidden commands buried in the text. If you know how to turn off everything, and set it on normal style with automatic paragraphing (the only auto feature you use), then you can create it that way and see if it copies into FS. If not, use the block style because it's easy to convert.
As for punctuation, study, study, study. When I joined two years ago, I Googled, Googled, Googled. I make it a practice to use proper punctuation in everything I write - diary entries, emails, everything. After a while, it becomes almost second nature. and, again, anything I'm not sure about, I Google because I can't read print style guides.
Comment from rwilliam
Mike had stayed up waiting for him in case he hadn't got his key, --This may be just different style's of speaking but just in case it isn't maybe try ... in case he had forgotten his key. Just a thought. :-)
Hubba, hubba, gettin' warm in here. LOL Very good chapter!
"m doing my best to come up with new ways to let you know how good this story is! I can so see this publisehd and soon I might add.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2012
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Mike had stayed up waiting for him in case he hadn't got his key, --This may be just different style's of speaking but just in case it isn't maybe try ... in case he had forgotten his key. Just a thought. :-)
Hubba, hubba, gettin' warm in here. LOL Very good chapter!
"m doing my best to come up with new ways to let you know how good this story is! I can so see this publisehd and soon I might add.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2012
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I love you! I've changed to 'in case he had forgotten his key.' reads much better. SO good to get your review, I've really missed you! Glad you're enjoying the ride! Alexis x
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A most enjoyable chapter, Alexis..
he teased."What happened - space after period
half hearted - half-hearted
around him pulling him close [to her body], their flesh separated only by two damp towels... - might you consider losing "to her body" as that would be obvious to the reader
Margaret
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2012
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A most enjoyable chapter, Alexis..
he teased."What happened - space after period
half hearted - half-hearted
around him pulling him close [to her body], their flesh separated only by two damp towels... - might you consider losing "to her body" as that would be obvious to the reader
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much Margaret. Your review is so encouraging. Everything corrected. Alexis x
Comment from debskatz
Hi alexis,
Well, they're finally going to get some! lol What a bitch her mother is. She didn't learn her lesson back at the police station? And her father is a whimp. Geez, I hope he grows a pair.
Really enjoyed this chapter. Looking forward to the next one!!
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Hi alexis,
Well, they're finally going to get some! lol What a bitch her mother is. She didn't learn her lesson back at the police station? And her father is a whimp. Geez, I hope he grows a pair.
Really enjoyed this chapter. Looking forward to the next one!!
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 24-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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I have a sneaky suspicion that you might really enjoy the next chapter. I do hope so! Thank you for your review and great sense of humour!Alexis x
Comment from robina1978
This went a bit different from expected here. The police helps to find a way out for Lisa. Don't know if Alan's place will be the best to go to. Her parents might sauce that out.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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This went a bit different from expected here. The police helps to find a way out for Lisa. Don't know if Alan's place will be the best to go to. Her parents might sauce that out.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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I think they're almost past caring, Ine. Ah, the path of true love! Thank you so much for taking the time to review. Alexis x
Comment from Malerie
Well, well, Lisa's "Mum" is really something else; the father is just "extra." Yet another intriguing chapter. I wasn't sure where you were going with Lisa and Alan, I expected Carla to show up before the two got too intimate and I'm still looking for Nick to reappear. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Well, well, Lisa's "Mum" is really something else; the father is just "extra." Yet another intriguing chapter. I wasn't sure where you were going with Lisa and Alan, I expected Carla to show up before the two got too intimate and I'm still looking for Nick to reappear. Keep writing, I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Your spot on with your view of Lisa's father. Carla will have her day, have no doubt! Thank you for your great review. Alexis x
Comment from axelbeariter
"Are you sure that's all you want to do?' she asked with a cheeky smile./Cute.----to say the least/Not needed----Mr Turner, but I think, under the/Not a biggie, but Mr Turner ought to be Mr. Turner----"Yes I think it is,"/Use; "Yes I think they do,"----"Okay that's great, Mr Turner/Again, put a period after Turner----Mrs Collins/Use Mrs.----"No, it seems to be my lot in life to travel light these days," she answered wryly./That's nice to ease the tension----This duvet will do fine...'"she/Fix the quotation mark----"That would be great, and the bath sounds good to./Use; good too----Another good chapter
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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"Are you sure that's all you want to do?' she asked with a cheeky smile./Cute.----to say the least/Not needed----Mr Turner, but I think, under the/Not a biggie, but Mr Turner ought to be Mr. Turner----"Yes I think it is,"/Use; "Yes I think they do,"----"Okay that's great, Mr Turner/Again, put a period after Turner----Mrs Collins/Use Mrs.----"No, it seems to be my lot in life to travel light these days," she answered wryly./That's nice to ease the tension----This duvet will do fine...'"she/Fix the quotation mark----"That would be great, and the bath sounds good to./Use; good too----Another good chapter
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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All sorted (I think) I really appreciate the time and effort you put into reviewing this. Thank you so much. Alexis x
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Another first class chapter. Filled with action from the witch which makes me cringe and yet rise up against her as well.
Great conversations between characters that seem very real and natural. I enjoyed reading this as the action part was very well done.
Didn't see anything big that stood out. I thought it was penned exceptionally well and your pace is perfect for the reader. Imagery is spot on. The reader becomes part of the story and wishes to throw the boulder back into said witches hands....ouch.
OMG you're leaving me hanging again...damn it the juicy part was next and where is it??? @^#&^@%&^*@(@^% yup that about sums it up...I got all hot and bothered for bloody nothing.
Good grief you're trying to kill me slowly with raging hormones of Lisa and Alan ....leading to nothing...
Sigh.....
Thanks for sharing a brilliant story of first love....and all the excitement to which I hope follows the act...of washing dishes....LOL
This darn thing won't let me give you a 6....have to be a virtual one. Truly brilliant work, grabbed me and held me right till the cliff hanger...more sighs...
Maureen
Edit thoughts:
"Alan took Lisa's hand and propelled her through the back door, and across the back garden to the fence."
// I'm not sure but some of your sentences have a lot of "and" used. This is an example and the one below. I'm not good on spag but I wonder if you've just switched "that" for "and"...
"They said good night, and Alan sat for a few minutes and downed his drink before going through to the bathroom"
"She let her mind wander back to that morning in the car again and eventually, her head full of thoughts of Alan, she fell asleep, the damp towel still wrapped around her..."
// This sentence above seemed really long and I'm not sure if its a run on sentence, but look more into it...just in case.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Another first class chapter. Filled with action from the witch which makes me cringe and yet rise up against her as well.
Great conversations between characters that seem very real and natural. I enjoyed reading this as the action part was very well done.
Didn't see anything big that stood out. I thought it was penned exceptionally well and your pace is perfect for the reader. Imagery is spot on. The reader becomes part of the story and wishes to throw the boulder back into said witches hands....ouch.
OMG you're leaving me hanging again...damn it the juicy part was next and where is it??? @^#&^@%&^*@(@^% yup that about sums it up...I got all hot and bothered for bloody nothing.
Good grief you're trying to kill me slowly with raging hormones of Lisa and Alan ....leading to nothing...
Sigh.....
Thanks for sharing a brilliant story of first love....and all the excitement to which I hope follows the act...of washing dishes....LOL
This darn thing won't let me give you a 6....have to be a virtual one. Truly brilliant work, grabbed me and held me right till the cliff hanger...more sighs...
Maureen
Edit thoughts:
"Alan took Lisa's hand and propelled her through the back door, and across the back garden to the fence."
// I'm not sure but some of your sentences have a lot of "and" used. This is an example and the one below. I'm not good on spag but I wonder if you've just switched "that" for "and"...
"They said good night, and Alan sat for a few minutes and downed his drink before going through to the bathroom"
"She let her mind wander back to that morning in the car again and eventually, her head full of thoughts of Alan, she fell asleep, the damp towel still wrapped around her..."
// This sentence above seemed really long and I'm not sure if its a run on sentence, but look more into it...just in case.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Sorted! Where would I be without your eagle eye? You always seem to identify the sentences I'm not totally happy with, but for some reason, as soon as you point them out, it seems so obvious what I should do....spooky! A bit of telepathy going on here, me thinks... So glad I got you all worked up. That's my job! I am going to take a whole day to edit the next chapter just to wind you up a bit more! Love Alexis x
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I'm already wound up, I'm like the energizer bunny.
Great minds think alike cows seldom differ :) LOL
Had to pay you back for the winding up part....pretty soon I'll have to stuff myself into the freezeer just to cool down.
love Maureen
x
Comment from James McCorkle
Top of the class again. Go up and kiss teacher. WEll done. The story goes on and Love will find a way. Isn't it great to be young and in love for the first time? I am still in love with my gal, even after 68 years together, except for little breaks during the war. James. I wish you well Alexis.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Top of the class again. Go up and kiss teacher. WEll done. The story goes on and Love will find a way. Isn't it great to be young and in love for the first time? I am still in love with my gal, even after 68 years together, except for little breaks during the war. James. I wish you well Alexis.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much, James! It makes my day when I get a review from you, especially when it's twinned with a sizzling six. 68 years? Now that really is a love story! My love to you both, Alexis x
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Yes Alexis. Unfortunately our meetings , Bonnie and I, take place now in a nursing home where she is in a pure state of serenity, but unkowing most of the time. James.
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As I said to you before, James, I'm sure she still knows, in her heart of hearts, that it is her love when you see her. Love never dies, whatever the state of your mind. Alexis x
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Yes Alexis. I know that her heart still holds the past securely, but her mind has stowed it away for safe keeping. James.