Lonely Hearts Meet
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "Part three, Chapter 15"Anna and her son escape from a man-made Hell.
88 total reviews
Comment from RochelleCB
A topic that needs to be addressed, so thank you.
In the paragraph that starts with "Troy chuckled.." I think I would take the word "then" out and either leave it out or put it before "whispered, I want to be with you." Just my thought as I was reading it.
Keep writing about this~it needs to be said. Good job!
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
  |
A topic that needs to be addressed, so thank you.
In the paragraph that starts with "Troy chuckled.." I think I would take the word "then" out and either leave it out or put it before "whispered, I want to be with you." Just my thought as I was reading it.
Keep writing about this~it needs to be said. Good job!
Comment Written 24-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hey Barbara
This is an interesting chapter and I like the way it is crafted and laid out. The use of italics must represent that person's thoughts? You write a good story
Bear
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
|
Hey Barbara
This is an interesting chapter and I like the way it is crafted and laid out. The use of italics must represent that person's thoughts? You write a good story
Bear
Comment Written 24-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review. Yes, italics is standard for thoughts.
Comment from dbmccarter
I think the romance is progressing just right and I like that you are giving Anna courage and the realization that she has the right to a life of her own. Great.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
|
I think the romance is progressing just right and I like that you are giving Anna courage and the realization that she has the right to a life of her own. Great.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Yes, Barbara:
There comes a time when even the most abused woman says,
"No more. You will no longer control my life; hold
dominion over the things I say and do. I've done what
I'm supposed to do -- I'm done!!!"
Thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
|
Yes, Barbara:
There comes a time when even the most abused woman says,
"No more. You will no longer control my life; hold
dominion over the things I say and do. I've done what
I'm supposed to do -- I'm done!!!"
Thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Rama Rao
Excellent post, as excellent as your other posts, and it's carrying the story forward briskly. That said, I have a comment about the word nuzzled her hair. Having doubt, I checked the Websters and found it may not be appropriate in the contest. Kindly check.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
|
Excellent post, as excellent as your other posts, and it's carrying the story forward briskly. That said, I have a comment about the word nuzzled her hair. Having doubt, I checked the Websters and found it may not be appropriate in the contest. Kindly check.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review. Thank you, I will check that out. I have heard that way many times.
Comment from rchitwood
You go girl and give them what's for another very creative chapter. Held my attention has good dialogue and characters.
Very creative writing and believable. Blessings Rita
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
|
You go girl and give them what's for another very creative chapter. Held my attention has good dialogue and characters.
Very creative writing and believable. Blessings Rita
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review and support.
Comment from amada
Very sweet beginning's chapter, but at the end it turns sordid again. Anna is under so much pressure, I think she is almost ready to break up. The artwork is just marvelous and so fitting.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
|
Very sweet beginning's chapter, but at the end it turns sordid again. Anna is under so much pressure, I think she is almost ready to break up. The artwork is just marvelous and so fitting.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from HPicasso
Another well written chapter and it will make a great addition to your story. I'm pleased to see Anna has finally divorced the evil Bobby and made a life for herself with Troy. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Troy has a good head on his shoulders. The phone call when Troy is gone and the loud muffler are clues.
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
|
Another well written chapter and it will make a great addition to your story. I'm pleased to see Anna has finally divorced the evil Bobby and made a life for herself with Troy. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Troy has a good head on his shoulders. The phone call when Troy is gone and the loud muffler are clues.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Dave M
Barbara,
This is an exceptional chapter, and Anna is really lucky to have met a man like Troy. Looks like Bobby's family is going to get in more trouble with the law. Now, Anna has absolute proof that she is being stalked. Didn't she have a tracer on her telephone?
Dave
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
 |
Barbara,
This is an exceptional chapter, and Anna is really lucky to have met a man like Troy. Looks like Bobby's family is going to get in more trouble with the law. Now, Anna has absolute proof that she is being stalked. Didn't she have a tracer on her telephone?
Dave
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 23-Jan-2012
-
Thank you for your kind review and you support.
Comment from jaeladarling
This is a pretty good story you've got going. In this chapter, you've got me wondering who the mysterious voice is, what's going on with Troy at the station, etc.
However, the writing is too cut-and-dry. It's all he said, she said. You need more emotion, especially from the main character. For example, we see that Troy embraces Anna and nuzzles her after staring into her eyes. Didn't that set her heart a-flutter or something? Surely such a motion would evoke an emotional response from Anna. Instead, Anna steps back and apologizes, then it's right back to Troy's dialogue.
You want your readers to connect with your main character, so give her some emotion. Show us what she feels; give us more than tears here and there. Show us her heart. Maybe she's wondering if Troy really means what he says, or maybe her emotions are in turmoil. Show us that.
If you work on character development, you'll have a smashing story. :)
I found a few nits also, listed below. Thanks for sharing this story!
"I wonder what set off the alarm at Troy's office." (Change the period to a question mark.)
"and screamed, "We're divorced. I can do what I want." (This doesn't sound like she screamed. Use exclamation points.)
"That was stupid, they'd already hung up." (Change the comma to a semi-colon.)
"she ran to the window, but couldn't see it." (No comma.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
 |
This is a pretty good story you've got going. In this chapter, you've got me wondering who the mysterious voice is, what's going on with Troy at the station, etc.
However, the writing is too cut-and-dry. It's all he said, she said. You need more emotion, especially from the main character. For example, we see that Troy embraces Anna and nuzzles her after staring into her eyes. Didn't that set her heart a-flutter or something? Surely such a motion would evoke an emotional response from Anna. Instead, Anna steps back and apologizes, then it's right back to Troy's dialogue.
You want your readers to connect with your main character, so give her some emotion. Show us what she feels; give us more than tears here and there. Show us her heart. Maybe she's wondering if Troy really means what he says, or maybe her emotions are in turmoil. Show us that.
If you work on character development, you'll have a smashing story. :)
I found a few nits also, listed below. Thanks for sharing this story!
"I wonder what set off the alarm at Troy's office." (Change the period to a question mark.)
"and screamed, "We're divorced. I can do what I want." (This doesn't sound like she screamed. Use exclamation points.)
"That was stupid, they'd already hung up." (Change the comma to a semi-colon.)
"she ran to the window, but couldn't see it." (No comma.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2012
-
thank you
