The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "The Red Dress chapter eight"The story of a teenage girl
14 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
Okay, hopefully this will lead to something positive, but I don't think whack job Mom will allow that. She reminds me of a Bette Davis or Joan Crawford movie role.
I'm crossing my fingers!
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Okay, hopefully this will lead to something positive, but I don't think whack job Mom will allow that. She reminds me of a Bette Davis or Joan Crawford movie role.
I'm crossing my fingers!
Comment Written 15-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2012
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Your not the first to have seen the mummy dearest syndrome coming to light! Thank you for your wonderful reviews. I will catch up soon - I promise! Alexis x
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
As he walked back to the hotel[,] Alan thought guiltily again about Carla. He knew what love was, having spent the last six years wooing and loving her since
they'd met in fourth year at school. Their families were from similar backgrounds and everyone seemed comfortable with the romance as long as they didn't
get too serious and talk about getting married too soon.[ ]It was accepted that they [wouldn't talk about marriage - You said this in the previous sentence. Maybe "accepted that they'd become qualified ... first] until they were both qualified in their
respective professions and financially able to support themselves.
When Carla had left to go to school in Spain, he had enjoyed his new found freedom[ to go] out with the lads again and chat[] up the odd girl on a night
out, but the novelty was beginning to wear off. Five and a half months down the line[,] he missed her, but he suspected more as a friend than a lover. Their
relationship had changed a lot in the last six months. They had hardly made love while he had visited her the month before, and there was something missing
in their relationship. That's why the way he felt now was so confusing. [switching people from to Lisa; new paragraph]What he had felt when he was sitting opposite Lisa in his room at the hotel[Don't separate subject from verb] was
unlike any of the feelings he had ever experienced with Carla. It was unbelievable that someone who had never experienced sex could turn him on so much,
and just thinking about Lisa made him feel so frustrated. What had she said about the guy wanting to marry her as soon as he found out that she was a virgin?
[new paragraph]At first that had seemed strange to Alan because[,] when he and Carla had got it together[,] they had both been virgins, as were most of their class mates, but
nobody regarded their virginity as anything of any great value. What Alan couldn't understand was his own reaction to finding out about Lisa still being
a virgin. [np]Alan had often mused about how it would be if he had sex with an older, more experienced woman because everything he had tried with Carla had
been new to both of them and, for the most part, it had been good. They had worked their way through the recipe book of sex, trying most things until they
both knew what the other liked, but there had been moments when something they had tried had appealed to him, but not Carla. The unwritten law was that
if either disliked any experience, it would never be tried again.
by the time he got back to the hotel[,] he knew he would have to tell her[I would use Lisa hereisntead of her because it's not clear if you're talking about Lisa or Carla.]. He now knew he couldn't let Lisa[Then change this to her.] go to the Isle of Man without letting her know
how he felt.
The next morning[,] Lisa woke up feeling bright and optimistic. As she ran her bath[,] she put her ear to her mother's door and could hear nothing, which was
As it was nearly ten o'clock[,] she decided to take her mother a cup of tea
"Morning[,] Mum," she called brightly[] as she moved the
"Yes I am[,] Mum[,]" Lisa replied.
Knowing her mother couldn't stop her[Don't separate subject from verb]
enabled her to keep calm, so Lisa just smiled and tried to placate her.
"Come on[,] Mum; don't be like that...drink your tea[,]" [s]he suggested.
"We'll talk about it when you come down, Mum.[]"
As she waited for the kettle to boil[,] she heard the sound of a car horn, and when she looked out of the window[,] she saw Alan had arrived. He was half an
hour early, and worried in[ ]case he might knock on the door and antagonise her mother even more, Lisa shot down to his car and tapped on the window.
Due to his lack of sleep[,] Alan didn't look too good.
in the porch while I say goodbye to her.["]
"Mum[,] it's all right[. Y]ou don't have to take me to the airport[.] Al..."
miss the boat, and if she missed the boat, she would miss the plane.[]
"Mum[,] let's talk about this. You don't have to drive me..."
Lisa was mortified realising that Alan was sitting just outside the French doors to the living room[] and could hear every word. Her mother opened the drawer
in the table where she kept her address book and drunkenly put on her glasses before she started leafing through the pages. When she found Nick's number[,]
she turned back to Lisa.
When she looked back up at her mother's face[,] she saw a look in her eyes that resembled pure hatred.[]
Just how, or at what point[,] Lisa's mother picked up the scissors which were lying in the opened drawer, Lisa would never know, but her actions coincided
with Alan suddenly entering the room. He had listened long enough to the drama that was unfolding, and Lisa's panic the previous night now seemed totally
justified. As he walked into the room[,] all he could see was a mad woman with a pair of scissors in her hand
After a few minutes[,] she pulled away from him and tried unsuccessfully
When he saw the loneliness and desperation in her face[,] he understood
If he was[were] in trouble[,] he would much rather be at home where his family commanded some respect and they could help him.
It then dawned on him that he might have come up with a solution. Alan was sure that[,] if he explained the situation to his parents, they would let Lisa
stay.[ ]He had moved into a flat in town which he shared with his mate[,] Mike, so Lisa could have his old room at home,
["]Well, that's []settled then[,]" Alan decided. "I'm taking you home..."
I haven't received a reply from you yet about the scenes I said you shouldn't have left out, and I've been giving them a lot of thought. The purpose of writing a book is to tell a story. The purpose of telling a story is to make your readers become vested in your characters so that they care about what happens to them.
the scenes between Lisa and her mother, and that one between Lisa and scott, are vital tot he book. So is the week that Nick and Lisa spent together, and then next week when she met alan. Show, don't tell. It'll make your book come alive. If you sip overthem, and just describe them in passing, it's very boring.
Roberta
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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As he walked back to the hotel[,] Alan thought guiltily again about Carla. He knew what love was, having spent the last six years wooing and loving her since
they'd met in fourth year at school. Their families were from similar backgrounds and everyone seemed comfortable with the romance as long as they didn't
get too serious and talk about getting married too soon.[ ]It was accepted that they [wouldn't talk about marriage - You said this in the previous sentence. Maybe "accepted that they'd become qualified ... first] until they were both qualified in their
respective professions and financially able to support themselves.
When Carla had left to go to school in Spain, he had enjoyed his new found freedom[ to go] out with the lads again and chat[] up the odd girl on a night
out, but the novelty was beginning to wear off. Five and a half months down the line[,] he missed her, but he suspected more as a friend than a lover. Their
relationship had changed a lot in the last six months. They had hardly made love while he had visited her the month before, and there was something missing
in their relationship. That's why the way he felt now was so confusing. [switching people from to Lisa; new paragraph]What he had felt when he was sitting opposite Lisa in his room at the hotel[Don't separate subject from verb] was
unlike any of the feelings he had ever experienced with Carla. It was unbelievable that someone who had never experienced sex could turn him on so much,
and just thinking about Lisa made him feel so frustrated. What had she said about the guy wanting to marry her as soon as he found out that she was a virgin?
[new paragraph]At first that had seemed strange to Alan because[,] when he and Carla had got it together[,] they had both been virgins, as were most of their class mates, but
nobody regarded their virginity as anything of any great value. What Alan couldn't understand was his own reaction to finding out about Lisa still being
a virgin. [np]Alan had often mused about how it would be if he had sex with an older, more experienced woman because everything he had tried with Carla had
been new to both of them and, for the most part, it had been good. They had worked their way through the recipe book of sex, trying most things until they
both knew what the other liked, but there had been moments when something they had tried had appealed to him, but not Carla. The unwritten law was that
if either disliked any experience, it would never be tried again.
by the time he got back to the hotel[,] he knew he would have to tell her[I would use Lisa hereisntead of her because it's not clear if you're talking about Lisa or Carla.]. He now knew he couldn't let Lisa[Then change this to her.] go to the Isle of Man without letting her know
how he felt.
The next morning[,] Lisa woke up feeling bright and optimistic. As she ran her bath[,] she put her ear to her mother's door and could hear nothing, which was
As it was nearly ten o'clock[,] she decided to take her mother a cup of tea
"Morning[,] Mum," she called brightly[] as she moved the
"Yes I am[,] Mum[,]" Lisa replied.
Knowing her mother couldn't stop her[Don't separate subject from verb]
enabled her to keep calm, so Lisa just smiled and tried to placate her.
"Come on[,] Mum; don't be like that...drink your tea[,]" [s]he suggested.
"We'll talk about it when you come down, Mum.[]"
As she waited for the kettle to boil[,] she heard the sound of a car horn, and when she looked out of the window[,] she saw Alan had arrived. He was half an
hour early, and worried in[ ]case he might knock on the door and antagonise her mother even more, Lisa shot down to his car and tapped on the window.
Due to his lack of sleep[,] Alan didn't look too good.
in the porch while I say goodbye to her.["]
"Mum[,] it's all right[. Y]ou don't have to take me to the airport[.] Al..."
miss the boat, and if she missed the boat, she would miss the plane.[]
"Mum[,] let's talk about this. You don't have to drive me..."
Lisa was mortified realising that Alan was sitting just outside the French doors to the living room[] and could hear every word. Her mother opened the drawer
in the table where she kept her address book and drunkenly put on her glasses before she started leafing through the pages. When she found Nick's number[,]
she turned back to Lisa.
When she looked back up at her mother's face[,] she saw a look in her eyes that resembled pure hatred.[]
Just how, or at what point[,] Lisa's mother picked up the scissors which were lying in the opened drawer, Lisa would never know, but her actions coincided
with Alan suddenly entering the room. He had listened long enough to the drama that was unfolding, and Lisa's panic the previous night now seemed totally
justified. As he walked into the room[,] all he could see was a mad woman with a pair of scissors in her hand
After a few minutes[,] she pulled away from him and tried unsuccessfully
When he saw the loneliness and desperation in her face[,] he understood
If he was[were] in trouble[,] he would much rather be at home where his family commanded some respect and they could help him.
It then dawned on him that he might have come up with a solution. Alan was sure that[,] if he explained the situation to his parents, they would let Lisa
stay.[ ]He had moved into a flat in town which he shared with his mate[,] Mike, so Lisa could have his old room at home,
["]Well, that's []settled then[,]" Alan decided. "I'm taking you home..."
I haven't received a reply from you yet about the scenes I said you shouldn't have left out, and I've been giving them a lot of thought. The purpose of writing a book is to tell a story. The purpose of telling a story is to make your readers become vested in your characters so that they care about what happens to them.
the scenes between Lisa and her mother, and that one between Lisa and scott, are vital tot he book. So is the week that Nick and Lisa spent together, and then next week when she met alan. Show, don't tell. It'll make your book come alive. If you sip overthem, and just describe them in passing, it's very boring.
Roberta
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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I can't believe how badly I did with this chapter. (can I use the excuse of clearing out my parent's house? Please...) I do get your point about the missing chapter but there are so many facets and secrets regarding Nicks character, still to come out, I didn't want the reader to get an inkling before hand. The book is already 450 standard book length pages long,(was 550!) so thought it best to wait till I got to the end again before deciding. Everything now corrected. My sincere thanks for the time and effort you have put in reviewing this, and other chapters. Alexis x
Comment from Malerie
The plot continues to thicken; poor Lisa. What a life for a sweet teenage girl. This chapter really show the depth her mother will go to keep her as miserable as she is. The plot with the scissors really was scary. I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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The plot continues to thicken; poor Lisa. What a life for a sweet teenage girl. This chapter really show the depth her mother will go to keep her as miserable as she is. The plot with the scissors really was scary. I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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I wish I could say that my recollection of this happening is unique but I have been contacted by so many people who tell similar stories (they just didn't have a hunky guy waiting in the wings waiting to save them!)Many thanks for your great review. Alexis x
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing this chapter where lisa's mother attacks her with a pair of scissors and alan saves her and decides to take her home with him.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing this chapter where lisa's mother attacks her with a pair of scissors and alan saves her and decides to take her home with him.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Thank you, I think you might enjoy how complicated this romance is going to get!
Comment from axelbeariter
After Lisa disappeared through the front door of her parent's house/Use parents' since you're talking about more than one parent.---- he had ever experienced with Clare./You do mean Carla?----he had tried with Clare/There you go again----through the recipe book of sex/I didn't know they had one. I've never tried fried sex; but it was marinated once.----less than an hours sleep/Use hour's----you don't have to take me to the airport Al..."/Use an em dash (--) instead of an ellipsis and leave out the next sentence, because a sophisticated reader will know what the em dash represents, thus making that sentence redundant.----he took off at break neck speed/break neck should read breakneck----they would let Lisa stay.He had/Put a space before He----Again, though I have not listed them, you have used 16 exclamation marks. Publishing house editors feel that real writers should show the action that is denoted by an !, instead of telling it, which that ! really does.----Still, this is a well written piece, full of tension and a few twists. Good job overall.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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After Lisa disappeared through the front door of her parent's house/Use parents' since you're talking about more than one parent.---- he had ever experienced with Clare./You do mean Carla?----he had tried with Clare/There you go again----through the recipe book of sex/I didn't know they had one. I've never tried fried sex; but it was marinated once.----less than an hours sleep/Use hour's----you don't have to take me to the airport Al..."/Use an em dash (--) instead of an ellipsis and leave out the next sentence, because a sophisticated reader will know what the em dash represents, thus making that sentence redundant.----he took off at break neck speed/break neck should read breakneck----they would let Lisa stay.He had/Put a space before He----Again, though I have not listed them, you have used 16 exclamation marks. Publishing house editors feel that real writers should show the action that is denoted by an !, instead of telling it, which that ! really does.----Still, this is a well written piece, full of tension and a few twists. Good job overall.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
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Cringe, 16? I have eliminated as many as poss. Just when I though I was getting better! I am on so many 'patrols' at the moment when editing, it's like multitasking! I still haven't got my head round the ellipses versus dash side of things but hopefully when I've finished clearing my late parents house by Friday this week, I will get the time to sit down and study all your great reviews. Thank you again, Alexis x
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the ellipses versus dash side of things but/Use an em dash (in Word) for interrupted dialogue by another speaker, and an ellipsis after dialogue trails off from one speaker alone. Like, "Oh heck, I see..." as if you do see and don't need to comment further.
Comment from MumEsGirl
What a tangled web you weave. This girl is really mixed up.
Alan is certainly no a loyal man and I can already see him taking advantage of Lisa. Wonder how nick will get back on the scene
kate
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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What a tangled web you weave. This girl is really mixed up.
Alan is certainly no a loyal man and I can already see him taking advantage of Lisa. Wonder how nick will get back on the scene
kate
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for your review. Yes, it is tangled, but based on a true story. Remember fact is often stranger than fiction...
Comment from debskatz
Hey alexis,
Good job editing. I think I saw maybe two "thats" but nothing to get in an uproar about. With the sentence, "He shot across the room and grabbed Lisa's wrist.", didn't you mean Fiona's wrist? She was the one with the scissors.
Interesting story. Though it did seem a little strange she didn't tell Alan she had to go back to at least get her bags. And now she's going off with another guy she doesn't know. Geez... That girl just can't get it together! Though if I were young & had that kind of mother, I probably wouldn't have it together either!
Looking forward to next chapter!
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Hey alexis,
Good job editing. I think I saw maybe two "thats" but nothing to get in an uproar about. With the sentence, "He shot across the room and grabbed Lisa's wrist.", didn't you mean Fiona's wrist? She was the one with the scissors.
Interesting story. Though it did seem a little strange she didn't tell Alan she had to go back to at least get her bags. And now she's going off with another guy she doesn't know. Geez... That girl just can't get it together! Though if I were young & had that kind of mother, I probably wouldn't have it together either!
Looking forward to next chapter!
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Phew! I must admit I was just finishing editing this chapter when your review of chapter seven came in, so I went on the 'that' patrol with renewed vigour! Good point regarding the wrist, I will change it to hand to hopefully save confusion. With regard to Lisa not mentioning her cases, she didn't have time because Alan's biggest concern was to get her out of the house and away from her crazy mother. Believe it or not, this scene and a few before and after, were written exactly from memory, so know (that) rational thinking was definitely not on the cards! You have taught me so much in so few chapters. Thank you so much. Alexis x
Comment from robina1978
Alan first asses his feelings for Carla have seriously cooled down. And like with Nick and any other man Lisa still being a virgin and so beautiful attracts men. After he witnesses personally what her mother is capable of he is the only and first one to offer her protection. Great chapter like you said before.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Alan first asses his feelings for Carla have seriously cooled down. And like with Nick and any other man Lisa still being a virgin and so beautiful attracts men. After he witnesses personally what her mother is capable of he is the only and first one to offer her protection. Great chapter like you said before.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much,Ine. As usual, you are spot on in your interpretation of the chapter Alexis x
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
That was a close call. I can't believe it has taken Lisa this long to strike back. Well this throws a kink in her plans. Very good chapter, and really looking forward to the next.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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That was a close call. I can't believe it has taken Lisa this long to strike back. Well this throws a kink in her plans. Very good chapter, and really looking forward to the next.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for your review, Cheryl. I suppose it's the proverbial hair that's broken Lisa's back. It had to happen sometime!
Comment from rwilliam
It was nearly eleven by the time Alan got back to the hotel, and although he was exhausted from the long drive, --drive? I thought they walked to her house?
YAY Nick is taking her home. I 'have to admit I'm pulling for those two.:-) BUT... we will see.
Great writing Once again.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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It was nearly eleven by the time Alan got back to the hotel, and although he was exhausted from the long drive, --drive? I thought they walked to her house?
YAY Nick is taking her home. I 'have to admit I'm pulling for those two.:-) BUT... we will see.
Great writing Once again.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Very good point! I have changed it to 'to was past twelve, and although he was exhausted, he... I had forgotten that his long drive up to Scotland was described a couple of chapters ago because I wrote this as a complete book. Oh the joys of Fan Story! Thank you for your eagle eye Alexis x
