The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Red Dress chapter seven"The story of a teenage girl
14 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
This girl has one large mess of a mess to deal with. It's clear she likes Alan, isn't in love with Nick and her mother's a freak. My life seems pretty good right now! Sorry, it's Valentine's night and I'm probably just jealous because I don't have two men vying for my affections!
One small spag:
It's very safe here, so here's (there's) no need to worry."
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2012
  |
This girl has one large mess of a mess to deal with. It's clear she likes Alan, isn't in love with Nick and her mother's a freak. My life seems pretty good right now! Sorry, it's Valentine's night and I'm probably just jealous because I don't have two men vying for my affections!
One small spag:
It's very safe here, so here's (there's) no need to worry."
Comment Written 14-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2012
-
Lol, I know I still have your other great reviews to reply too, but I'm still giggling at your Valentine's night comment. Ditto! I'm a sad cow and now live out my fantasies via Lisa (saves you having to put your face on, if nothing else!) The character 'Alan' is actually based on my late husband who made me the happiest woman alive for nearly 30 years until he died very suddenly in 2009. I was some lucky woman! Alexis x
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
in for a disappointment when they got there[] because all she seemed to be interested in was the room itself.
"And to think I thought it was me you were interested in[,] Lisa... not the interior bloody decor!"
check out the use of the ellipsis too.
For the first time in her life[,] she felt physically attracted to someone,
but she had no sexual experience at all, so had no idea how to handle her emotions. For five years[,] she had been tucked up in boarding school for two thirds
of the year, and under her mother's strict and restrictive control for the rest.
[] "And what if it had been you...what do you think would have happened?" she asked.
"You tell me[,] Lisa...what would have happened?" he asked as he sat down beside her.
She looked defensive for a moment [and] then took a gulp of wine as though she was trying to bolster her confidence.
"You don't understand[,] Alan. This is what everyone wants, especially Nick.
When he'd met her in Chelmsford[,] she had seemed so sure of herself,
Nick was not only kind and generous[,] but also, her only legitimate means of escape from her mother?
You couldn't possibly understand..." she answered with [a resigned voice - resignation].
"My mother drinks[] and has made my life a misery for the last couple of years.
"But surely if you go to The Isle of Man tomorrow[,] you're just going to get dragged in even further. For God's sake, Lisa, you're letting the whole thing
get so complicated!["]
"I'm sorry, Alan, if I don't get this bottle of wine back to my mother[,] there'll be a terrible argument, and she won't drive me to Glasgow airport tomorrow --- that's one way of getting out of it.
"There's no need to walk me back, Alan, I won't get attacked or anything[. I]t's very safe here. There's no need to worry."
Alan wouldn't take no for an answer, claiming he wouldn't know where to pick her up the next morning[] if he didn't walk back to the house with her. The
only problem was[] Lisa was walking so fast Alan had to lengthen his stride to keep up with her. He reckoned her mother must be some scary lady[] if this
was the effect she had on Lisa at half past ten at night.
When they got to her gate[,] he looked up at the lovely house overlooking the water. --- Some of your paragraphs are indented while others are on the margin. They should all be on the margin.
"I'm sorry[,] Alan[.] I'd ask you in for a coffee, but I'm already in trouble[. Y]ou don't know what my mother can be like---I'll see you tomorrow---okay?"
He wanted to kiss her good night[,] but he knew he couldn't because he might end up scaring
As Lisa opened the front door[,] she felt the familiar sickness in the pit of her stomach caused by the fear of not knowing what was waiting for her on the
As it happened[,] Lisa had good reason to be worried about going home that night. Her mother had polished off nearly half a bottle of vodka while she was
waiting for the wine she had asked Lisa to buy[].
"I haven't been screwing around with anyone[,] Mum[. W]hy would you think that I have?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
She silently thanked God for Alan's offer of a lift.
[]
The thought of her mother being drunk and awake while Lisa was trying to sleep[] reminded her of what had happened the year before,
"Look, Mum, why don't I take this bottle of wine up to the bedroom[] and help you upstairs.
If there was any problem in the morning[,] she could just go, and there would be nothing her mother could do to stop her.
I was afraid murder was going to be done this night.
Roberta
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
|
in for a disappointment when they got there[] because all she seemed to be interested in was the room itself.
"And to think I thought it was me you were interested in[,] Lisa... not the interior bloody decor!"
check out the use of the ellipsis too.
For the first time in her life[,] she felt physically attracted to someone,
but she had no sexual experience at all, so had no idea how to handle her emotions. For five years[,] she had been tucked up in boarding school for two thirds
of the year, and under her mother's strict and restrictive control for the rest.
[] "And what if it had been you...what do you think would have happened?" she asked.
"You tell me[,] Lisa...what would have happened?" he asked as he sat down beside her.
She looked defensive for a moment [and] then took a gulp of wine as though she was trying to bolster her confidence.
"You don't understand[,] Alan. This is what everyone wants, especially Nick.
When he'd met her in Chelmsford[,] she had seemed so sure of herself,
Nick was not only kind and generous[,] but also, her only legitimate means of escape from her mother?
You couldn't possibly understand..." she answered with [a resigned voice - resignation].
"My mother drinks[] and has made my life a misery for the last couple of years.
"But surely if you go to The Isle of Man tomorrow[,] you're just going to get dragged in even further. For God's sake, Lisa, you're letting the whole thing
get so complicated!["]
"I'm sorry, Alan, if I don't get this bottle of wine back to my mother[,] there'll be a terrible argument, and she won't drive me to Glasgow airport tomorrow --- that's one way of getting out of it.
"There's no need to walk me back, Alan, I won't get attacked or anything[. I]t's very safe here. There's no need to worry."
Alan wouldn't take no for an answer, claiming he wouldn't know where to pick her up the next morning[] if he didn't walk back to the house with her. The
only problem was[] Lisa was walking so fast Alan had to lengthen his stride to keep up with her. He reckoned her mother must be some scary lady[] if this
was the effect she had on Lisa at half past ten at night.
When they got to her gate[,] he looked up at the lovely house overlooking the water. --- Some of your paragraphs are indented while others are on the margin. They should all be on the margin.
"I'm sorry[,] Alan[.] I'd ask you in for a coffee, but I'm already in trouble[. Y]ou don't know what my mother can be like---I'll see you tomorrow---okay?"
He wanted to kiss her good night[,] but he knew he couldn't because he might end up scaring
As Lisa opened the front door[,] she felt the familiar sickness in the pit of her stomach caused by the fear of not knowing what was waiting for her on the
As it happened[,] Lisa had good reason to be worried about going home that night. Her mother had polished off nearly half a bottle of vodka while she was
waiting for the wine she had asked Lisa to buy[].
"I haven't been screwing around with anyone[,] Mum[. W]hy would you think that I have?" she asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
She silently thanked God for Alan's offer of a lift.
[]
The thought of her mother being drunk and awake while Lisa was trying to sleep[] reminded her of what had happened the year before,
"Look, Mum, why don't I take this bottle of wine up to the bedroom[] and help you upstairs.
If there was any problem in the morning[,] she could just go, and there would be nothing her mother could do to stop her.
I was afraid murder was going to be done this night.
Roberta
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
-
Sadly, as you now know, it was the following morning that murder nearly happened! My thanks yet again for your really helpful review. Everything corrected. Alexis x
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing this chapter where lisa explains her engagement to alan and has to be verbally abused by her mother...
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing this chapter where lisa explains her engagement to alan and has to be verbally abused by her mother...
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much for your review, as you now know, things get worse!
Comment from MumEsGirl
Good writing with a style that is easy to follow. Lisa and her immaturity is being to get tedious though.
Alan has a girlfriend, so that should be a no no. God I could strangle her. Great character work with her.
kate
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
Good writing with a style that is easy to follow. Lisa and her immaturity is being to get tedious though.
Alan has a girlfriend, so that should be a no no. God I could strangle her. Great character work with her.
kate
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
There's no such thing as a no no, when it comes to love. What else can I say... Thank you so much for your encouraging review. Alexis x
Comment from robina1978
No wonder Alan finds it difficult to understand how she agreed to marry a kind of stranger. He obviously has not been in such a situation. Both are pretty confused.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
No wonder Alan finds it difficult to understand how she agreed to marry a kind of stranger. He obviously has not been in such a situation. Both are pretty confused.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
Thank you so much for your review. Yes, there are a lot of emotions going on here! Alexis x
-
welcome to both Alexis. Ine
Comment from axelbeariter
His only concern was the fact that Lisa was considering marrying someone she hardly knew and had no intimate knowledge of./Maybe I missed it, but I don't recall you revealing all those details to Alan before. I assumed he just knew that she was dating someone else.----If her mother had been drinking, which Lisa knew she probably would have because her father was away, then she knew what to expect./See if you can simplify that long sentence.----!I haven't been doing anything, Mum, honestly, we were just talking!"/This sentence should read as so: "I haven't been doing anything, Mum, honestly, we were just talking."----"It's even nicer than I remember it!"--not the interior bloody decor!"--It's all arranged!"--make that kind of commitment!--You couldn't possibly understand!"--"Try me!"--no for an answer!"--but he won't listen!"--get so complicated!-only when I get there!"--Glasgow airport tomorrow morning!"--you've been screwing around!--we were just talking!"--TALKING!--you're mistaken!"--"You go to fucking bed!"--Go easy on the exclamation points. I've pasted 16 instances of them here. Submission editors feel that overuse of exclamation points is the sign of an amateur. And you ain't no amateur! Seriously, it's the easiest way to have your manuscript wind up on the publisher's slush pile./Other than the excessive !s, you've once again written a great piece, heavy on character descriptions that make your story.
-
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
His only concern was the fact that Lisa was considering marrying someone she hardly knew and had no intimate knowledge of./Maybe I missed it, but I don't recall you revealing all those details to Alan before. I assumed he just knew that she was dating someone else.----If her mother had been drinking, which Lisa knew she probably would have because her father was away, then she knew what to expect./See if you can simplify that long sentence.----!I haven't been doing anything, Mum, honestly, we were just talking!"/This sentence should read as so: "I haven't been doing anything, Mum, honestly, we were just talking."----"It's even nicer than I remember it!"--not the interior bloody decor!"--It's all arranged!"--make that kind of commitment!--You couldn't possibly understand!"--"Try me!"--no for an answer!"--but he won't listen!"--get so complicated!-only when I get there!"--Glasgow airport tomorrow morning!"--you've been screwing around!--we were just talking!"--TALKING!--you're mistaken!"--"You go to fucking bed!"--Go easy on the exclamation points. I've pasted 16 instances of them here. Submission editors feel that overuse of exclamation points is the sign of an amateur. And you ain't no amateur! Seriously, it's the easiest way to have your manuscript wind up on the publisher's slush pile./Other than the excessive !s, you've once again written a great piece, heavy on character descriptions that make your story.
-
Comment Written 17-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
Brilliant, constructive review! Thank you so much. Your suggestion re Lisa claiming not to have been 'doing' anything reads much better, and I will remove the 'intimate' bit to save confusion. (I was just working on the premise that her disclosure about being a virgin would imply that there had been no intimacy with Nick) Likewise, I will go on the 'exclamation mark' patrol! Your input is greatly appreciated, thank you so much Alexis x
Comment from Cheryl Daphine
I can't believe she is planning on getting married to Nick,just to get away. Even tho I have watched people make the same mistake in daily life. Alan seems like an honorable and kind fellow. Maybe she should take a second look. I am sure she won't. Great story developing here,Alexis.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
I can't believe she is planning on getting married to Nick,just to get away. Even tho I have watched people make the same mistake in daily life. Alan seems like an honorable and kind fellow. Maybe she should take a second look. I am sure she won't. Great story developing here,Alexis.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
I believe it happens all the time, and in this case, it actually happened to me. That's why it has been so easy to write about. Wish I looked like Lisa though!
Comment from rwilliam
He came over to the bed and looked down into her eyes.--You go from Alan looking down at her , standing in front of her to him getting off the bed. You need a transition here. :-)
If you think you're going to the Isle of Man tomorrow, you've got another think coming, --OOPS- another 'thing' coming...
Great chapter. Off to read more!!!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
He came over to the bed and looked down into her eyes.--You go from Alan looking down at her , standing in front of her to him getting off the bed. You need a transition here. :-)
If you think you're going to the Isle of Man tomorrow, you've got another think coming, --OOPS- another 'thing' coming...
Great chapter. Off to read more!!!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
I knew I could rely on you to pick up on that sort of thing. All sorted now! Thank you Alexis x
Comment from debskatz
Hi alexis,
This story just gets better and better. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.
Okay, I'm not letting you off this time. I'm gonna list all the spag I found:
" Alan couldn't get over the fact (that) Lisa"
"He's thirty(-)three,"
"knowing (that) he sounded sarcastic"
"The look on her face made Alan realise (that) she was"
"Alan knew (that) he was pushing"
"he suggested in the hope (that) she would open up"
"Lisa was right(.)(,) (H)(h)e didn't understand."
"Alan couldn't believe (that) anyone in this day"
"Alan couldn't believe (that) anyone could be so stupid."
"Seeing the doubt in her face he continued(.)(,)"What is it with this guy?
Well, darn, I confused as to where I was. Suffice it to say there are quite a few more "thats" that need to be taken out of.
You don't have to take them out of the dialogue, we all use "that" more than we should. But you need to be aware you're doing it, because you might want a character to sound... well... better educated.
Maybe you're trying to post them so fast, you're not checking them as you should. Be sure to check each chapter SEVERAL times before you post it. Okay????
Holler at me after you revise & I'll look at it again.
smiles,
deb
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
 |
Hi alexis,
This story just gets better and better. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.
Okay, I'm not letting you off this time. I'm gonna list all the spag I found:
" Alan couldn't get over the fact (that) Lisa"
"He's thirty(-)three,"
"knowing (that) he sounded sarcastic"
"The look on her face made Alan realise (that) she was"
"Alan knew (that) he was pushing"
"he suggested in the hope (that) she would open up"
"Lisa was right(.)(,) (H)(h)e didn't understand."
"Alan couldn't believe (that) anyone in this day"
"Alan couldn't believe (that) anyone could be so stupid."
"Seeing the doubt in her face he continued(.)(,)"What is it with this guy?
Well, darn, I confused as to where I was. Suffice it to say there are quite a few more "thats" that need to be taken out of.
You don't have to take them out of the dialogue, we all use "that" more than we should. But you need to be aware you're doing it, because you might want a character to sound... well... better educated.
Maybe you're trying to post them so fast, you're not checking them as you should. Be sure to check each chapter SEVERAL times before you post it. Okay????
Holler at me after you revise & I'll look at it again.
smiles,
deb
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
-
Holler, holler! Yes your right! I have to have Lisa's parent's holiday place cleared by Friday because it's been sold and I've been re writing for 14 hour stretches at a time. (now have disgusting red eyes!) I've got that lot, but must admit it will be the morning before I can do any more because it's nearly 12.30 Thank you so much, I don't know what I would do without your eagle eye zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Comment from Malerie
And the saga continues; poor Lisa. What a life for a teenager. She could marry a man she does not love or stay under the abusive eye of her alcoholic mother. This story really does play out in society today; I've witnessed but not to this degree. Thanks for sharing; I'll keep reading.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
|
And the saga continues; poor Lisa. What a life for a teenager. She could marry a man she does not love or stay under the abusive eye of her alcoholic mother. This story really does play out in society today; I've witnessed but not to this degree. Thanks for sharing; I'll keep reading.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
-
I think the difference in this scenario from the norm is the fact that apart from the abuse Lisa receives from her mother, she has had a very privileged upbringing. She has a lot to lose if she exposes her mother, and Nick seems to be the only way out (so far!)