The Red Dress
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Red dress Chapter six"The story of a teenage girl
12 total reviews
Comment from wordsfromsue
I KNEW she liked him! Why doesn't she go for it with him? Who needs millions of whichever money Nick has? Dollars/Pounds.... Alan sounds nicer, I'll say it again. :-)Nick is smarmy.... there, I said it!
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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I KNEW she liked him! Why doesn't she go for it with him? Who needs millions of whichever money Nick has? Dollars/Pounds.... Alan sounds nicer, I'll say it again. :-)Nick is smarmy.... there, I said it!
Comment Written 14-Feb-2012
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
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Yeh, a bit of a smarmy git, to be sure - but when you have Cruella (Love that by the way) as a mother, he can look pretty appetising!
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
So much had happened in the last few weeks[missing "that" so no comma] she couldn't believe she was complicating it further by seeing Alan.
Everyone expected it of her, especially
her mother[.]
It nurtured her[] and offered her peace. The calmness of the place filled by people who wanted to be different from the rest[] reminded her of the Isle of Man,
Lisa reminded herself not to forget the bottle of wine for her mother because[,] if she did, it would
The minute he saw her[,] he was tempted to tell her that he hadn't stopped thinking about her
When she got to his table[,] Alan stood up and they embraced like old friends
and[,] standing up, asked her what she wanted to drink.
"I better have an orange juice[.] Gerry knows that I'm only seventeen," she replied.
As Lisa watched Alan walking over to [the bar], Gerry, who was serving behind [the bar], --- See if you can change "serving behind the bar." Maybe "was acting as bartender"
As she waited for Alan to return with the drinks[,] she felt mortified[] and decided not to go near the room at all because she didn't want to give Gerry
the wrong impression[.]
"You're looking well[,] Alan[. H]ave you been on holiday?"
Lisa looked back at him[] and felt guilty again when she remember[ed]
While they were talking[,] she had been overcome with the desire to throw
When they'd met at Vikki's dinner party[,] they had sat next to each other and talked animatedly all
Did I tell you about the wikipedia page re the use ofcommas? It's excellent. check it out.
Roberta
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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So much had happened in the last few weeks[missing "that" so no comma] she couldn't believe she was complicating it further by seeing Alan.
Everyone expected it of her, especially
her mother[.]
It nurtured her[] and offered her peace. The calmness of the place filled by people who wanted to be different from the rest[] reminded her of the Isle of Man,
Lisa reminded herself not to forget the bottle of wine for her mother because[,] if she did, it would
The minute he saw her[,] he was tempted to tell her that he hadn't stopped thinking about her
When she got to his table[,] Alan stood up and they embraced like old friends
and[,] standing up, asked her what she wanted to drink.
"I better have an orange juice[.] Gerry knows that I'm only seventeen," she replied.
As Lisa watched Alan walking over to [the bar], Gerry, who was serving behind [the bar], --- See if you can change "serving behind the bar." Maybe "was acting as bartender"
As she waited for Alan to return with the drinks[,] she felt mortified[] and decided not to go near the room at all because she didn't want to give Gerry
the wrong impression[.]
"You're looking well[,] Alan[. H]ave you been on holiday?"
Lisa looked back at him[] and felt guilty again when she remember[ed]
While they were talking[,] she had been overcome with the desire to throw
When they'd met at Vikki's dinner party[,] they had sat next to each other and talked animatedly all
Did I tell you about the wikipedia page re the use ofcommas? It's excellent. check it out.
Roberta
Comment Written 20-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 21-Jan-2012
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I am going there right now! My thanks again, Roberta.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing about lisa's feelings as she got ready to meet allan and the way she felt compelled to continue her engagement in order to get her mother to like her instead of abusing her and the way her reputation was important to her and she didn't want people to think the wrong thing.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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this is very well written, alexis, you did a great job writing about lisa's feelings as she got ready to meet allan and the way she felt compelled to continue her engagement in order to get her mother to like her instead of abusing her and the way her reputation was important to her and she didn't want people to think the wrong thing.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much. Sadly, a lot is written from memory...
Comment from robina1978
Lisa made a rushed decision , when she accepted Nick's proposal, mainly to get away from her mother. Now it creates a very confusing situation for her and Allan. Wonder where you will go next.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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Lisa made a rushed decision , when she accepted Nick's proposal, mainly to get away from her mother. Now it creates a very confusing situation for her and Allan. Wonder where you will go next.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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I think you are going to love chapter 7 Ine, and be appalled by chapter eight!
Comment from axelbeariter
Her mother eventually gave in, but only because she had run out of wine, so she gave Lisa twenty pounds and asked her to bring a bottle back./Nice! What is the legal drinking age in Scotland?----It was as though she was caught up in some pre-ordained drama, where she was both author and actress, but dependent on an uncertain cast./great observation.----She couldn't imagine living in the city now she knew this place./Put that between now and she----you just couldn't help it./Take away the comma and put a semicolon in front of you.----Lisa turn red with embarrassment/turn should read turned----It was pretty hot..." Use an em dash instead of ellipsis when dialogue is interrupted by someone else speaking. Ellipsis are used only when dialogue trails off. If you are not familiar with it, look up em dash online.----You've produced another masterpiece of varied character sketches./I've received a new allotment of six stars, so I'll give you a real one for this and the others virtually for the previous chapters. Great stuff.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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Her mother eventually gave in, but only because she had run out of wine, so she gave Lisa twenty pounds and asked her to bring a bottle back./Nice! What is the legal drinking age in Scotland?----It was as though she was caught up in some pre-ordained drama, where she was both author and actress, but dependent on an uncertain cast./great observation.----She couldn't imagine living in the city now she knew this place./Put that between now and she----you just couldn't help it./Take away the comma and put a semicolon in front of you.----Lisa turn red with embarrassment/turn should read turned----It was pretty hot..." Use an em dash instead of ellipsis when dialogue is interrupted by someone else speaking. Ellipsis are used only when dialogue trails off. If you are not familiar with it, look up em dash online.----You've produced another masterpiece of varied character sketches./I've received a new allotment of six stars, so I'll give you a real one for this and the others virtually for the previous chapters. Great stuff.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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I love you! Not just because of the wonderful six which not only made my day, but now represents a six as a novelist on my profile (only took uploading over seventy chapters from various books since November) Thank you so much. I promise to sort out the elipses for this and other chapters as soon as I can! Alexis x
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I'm the only one who discerns your brilliance. Axel
Comment from rwilliam
A couple of things I"m confused on with the story. I thought Lisa was on her week away from family with her friend. If so why is she concerned that her mother will be cross if she goes out to meet Alan? Also I thought she put off the engagement. When did she agree to marry him? I meant to ask this in the last chapter but forgot.
She couldn't believe how blue his eyes were, like two languid pools of liquid sky, framed by long sun tipped lashes.--NICE!!!! :-)
Another good chapter.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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A couple of things I"m confused on with the story. I thought Lisa was on her week away from family with her friend. If so why is she concerned that her mother will be cross if she goes out to meet Alan? Also I thought she put off the engagement. When did she agree to marry him? I meant to ask this in the last chapter but forgot.
She couldn't believe how blue his eyes were, like two languid pools of liquid sky, framed by long sun tipped lashes.--NICE!!!! :-)
Another good chapter.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2012
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Must admit I quite liked the eye thing myself! Okay, here we go...
Start...Lisa on holiday with family for two weeks in the Isle of Man, where she meets Nick for what she thinks is the first time but he has secretly been watching her when on holiday for 3 years. At the end of the holiday nick proposes, but Lisa refuses. She suggests Nick comes to visit her in Scotland after she returns from staying with her friend in Chelmsford, where she goes straight after her holiday in the Isle of Man.
This scene is set 6 weeks after she met Nick, and four weeks after she met Alan. The 'imaginary chapter between four and five is when Nick does indeed visit Lisa in Scotland after she returns from Chelmsford, and goes the big proposal scene yet again. Alan, who had only met Lisa once at a dinner party organised by her pal, is daft enough to drive up to Scotland to see Lisa for weeks after he met her, assuming that she was young free and single! Silly boy...nearly as silly as that damned chuckling, bouncing baby....
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ok some how I missed the second proposal. Not sure how. That's why I was confused. Thank you for explaining. Sorry you had to.. :-D
Comment from Malerie
Yet another little twist; previously was not sure of Lisa's attraction to Alan. Now reading her view, I see that she is. I'm starting to see something in this story and I hope Lisa does not turn to the bottle like her mother. Very interesting chapter as well; I'm still intrigued. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Yet another little twist; previously was not sure of Lisa's attraction to Alan. Now reading her view, I see that she is. I'm starting to see something in this story and I hope Lisa does not turn to the bottle like her mother. Very interesting chapter as well; I'm still intrigued. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much for your review, and my apologies for taking so long to get back to you. This editing game is pretty hard, and takes ages!
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Well damn it was just starting to look like it might get juicy. Lisa has a whole lot of emotion she best get out before Nick.
Alan seems sweet but I was wondering how him and Lisa connected so well at vikki's if he had a girlfriend. It's like a love triangle every time I turn around....there's three.....how come I can't have three....bloody unfair it is! I'll even get rid of my big knickers....:)Not that I have many of those of course..Cough cough!!
I enjoyed this chapter, the chemistry still seems strong between the two...even though they have Nick and Carla....
Time will tell up in the honeymoon suite....
For now I can say you get me engaged with the story, and I wanted more, well more eh ....never mind...just keep writing.
Caught a couple of areas that tripped me up so give em a look over. But otherwise this flowed well, imagery creation of scene and characters excellent.
Over all a fantastic read...it won't let me give you a sixer yet....that rule is a horrid pain in my arse!
Thanks for sharing your exceptional work!
Maureen
Edit Checks:
"How could someone you had met only once in your life have such an effect?(She asked herself.) He was more or less engaged to someone else, and so was she. // I read this over three times...and I kept tripping on "she asked herself" it seems to be in the wrong place? When I said it at the beginning of the sentence it flowed better for me. Give it a look over....:)
"he had gone to the trouble of looking her up (whilst) visiting Scotland" // tripping again....while?
"She couldn't imagine living in the city now she knew this place. It nurtured (you), and offered (you) peace." // I would have thought "her" should be in the brackets above since you started off with "she" ? Not sure?
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Well damn it was just starting to look like it might get juicy. Lisa has a whole lot of emotion she best get out before Nick.
Alan seems sweet but I was wondering how him and Lisa connected so well at vikki's if he had a girlfriend. It's like a love triangle every time I turn around....there's three.....how come I can't have three....bloody unfair it is! I'll even get rid of my big knickers....:)Not that I have many of those of course..Cough cough!!
I enjoyed this chapter, the chemistry still seems strong between the two...even though they have Nick and Carla....
Time will tell up in the honeymoon suite....
For now I can say you get me engaged with the story, and I wanted more, well more eh ....never mind...just keep writing.
Caught a couple of areas that tripped me up so give em a look over. But otherwise this flowed well, imagery creation of scene and characters excellent.
Over all a fantastic read...it won't let me give you a sixer yet....that rule is a horrid pain in my arse!
Thanks for sharing your exceptional work!
Maureen
Edit Checks:
"How could someone you had met only once in your life have such an effect?(She asked herself.) He was more or less engaged to someone else, and so was she. // I read this over three times...and I kept tripping on "she asked herself" it seems to be in the wrong place? When I said it at the beginning of the sentence it flowed better for me. Give it a look over....:)
"he had gone to the trouble of looking her up (whilst) visiting Scotland" // tripping again....while?
"She couldn't imagine living in the city now she knew this place. It nurtured (you), and offered (you) peace." // I would have thought "her" should be in the brackets above since you started off with "she" ? Not sure?
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Spot on, Maureen! You've managed to identify the bits that I wasn't comfortable with yet again. I've tweaked both thanks to your suggestions so it hopefully makes more sense. Now I must get to my bed because the old brain is beginning to crumble (and I haven't even had a drink!) Alexis x
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Oh wonderful.....:)
Not to worry I had your glass of wine and my own....:)
Hugs
Maureen x
Comment from debskatz
Hi Alexis,
Ooooooohhhh! Absolutely delicious!! I can't wait to see what's going to happen.
Now, I found at least a dozen "that's" that (lol) need to be taken out. I deliberately didn't list them for you because you need to go through and find them for yourself.
I'm still giving you a 5, but I just might be back and check up on it! (I can't help it, it's the teacher in me! lol)
Thanks for sharing!
smiles,
deb
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Hi Alexis,
Ooooooohhhh! Absolutely delicious!! I can't wait to see what's going to happen.
Now, I found at least a dozen "that's" that (lol) need to be taken out. I deliberately didn't list them for you because you need to go through and find them for yourself.
I'm still giving you a 5, but I just might be back and check up on it! (I can't help it, it's the teacher in me! lol)
Thanks for sharing!
smiles,
deb
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
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Okay....Cringe again! You should should have seen how many I did take out before I posted, it was veritably awash with that's! Have eliminated another seven or eight but ended leaving three of four I couldn't see a way around! Thank you so much for your input. Alexis x
Comment from AlexAX
Not having read any of the other chapters, I really liked it and you kept me interested with the flow of the story and the characters coming through. You have written it so well that you can really get to like these two characters and actually want them to get together. Want to read this from the beginning :) Well done!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Not having read any of the other chapters, I really liked it and you kept me interested with the flow of the story and the characters coming through. You have written it so well that you can really get to like these two characters and actually want them to get together. Want to read this from the beginning :) Well done!
Comment Written 15-Jan-2012
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2012
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Thank you so much! You couldn't pay me a greater compliment! Alexis x