Reviews from

The Red Dress

Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The red dress chapter two"
The story of a teenage girl

14 total reviews 
Comment from wordsfromsue
Excellent
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Another brilliant chapter. I had hopes for a second that Tony was going to be able to help Lisa, but of course that would be naive on my part. At least he believed her, that had to be some small comfort for her. Good chapter Alexis.

 Comment Written 14-Feb-2012


reply by the author on 15-Feb-2012
    God, I am now going to have to run to catch up! Thank you so much for this mammoth review. I think you are doing it in the right way, in as much as this would be how you would read a book. Alexis
Comment from Roberta Joan Jensen
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Aware that she was somewhere she shouldn't be in her desperate attempt to escape her mother[,] and already regretting the fact that she had left her home
in the first place, Lisa stared back at the two men like a rabbit caught in the glare of a car's headlamps. --- Semicolons are used to join two complete sentences when you do not connect them by using for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so.

The journey to Scott's flat took about twenty-five minutes[,] and as Lisa studied her reflection in the darkened[] mirror-like window of the bus,

in darkness[,] she would have felt awkward waking up Scott and his flat mate.

"I had to get away[,] Scott...I can't take it anymore," Lisa replied in a broken voice.

"What's happened[,] Lisa?" he asked, the irritation sounding clearly in his voice.

"You don't understand[,] Scott...I haven't finished telling you what happened!"

All I'm going to do[] is tell Mum that you're safe!"

When he saw them[,] he swore out loud. The fine red lines were already turning to bluish purple bruises[] and were dangerously close to her neck.

Lisa let the neck of her sweater go[] and sat back down in the chair, glad that he[,] at least, had seen the evidence of her mother's abuse.

When Lisa arrived home, Fiona embraced her at the door and thanked the police profusely over her daughter's shoulder[] for bringing her home. She gave
the impression of being a loving mother who was genuinely distraught at her daughter's disappearance, and Lisa was so tired and disillusioned by the whole
thing[You've left out "that" and no comma is used in place of "that"] she gave off the impression of being a sulky teenager.

"You know what sixteen year olds are like[,] officer..." she purred. " They always think their parents don't really understand them...it was just a silly
row, wasn't it[,] Lisa?"

She had gone through all the pain and humiliation[] only to end up looking like a spoilt brat. The police obviously thought she had
run off after fighting with her mother[] and was now crying rape to gain attention.

People don't understand how they make things more difficult for themselves. If she had only told Scott ...

Roberta

 Comment Written 18-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 18-Jan-2012
    You have no idea how much I appreciate the help you have been giving me, Roberta I think I managed to get them all (cringe!) Alexis x
Comment from afcata22
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Aww talk about bad luck!!! She does seems like a magnet of unfortunate happenings. Nicely written. You've managed to keep me reading and wanting for more.I wonder how mcuh degree of unluckiness had she attracted after this incident. Keep up the good work!

 Comment Written 15-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
    Yes she is a bit! But never a dull moment, guaranteed! Thank you so much for your kind review. Alexis x
Comment from debskatz
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Hi alexis,

Wow. It is sad when kids are abused and they've no where to go. And worse, their families don't believe them.

Found nothing to crit here, girl! Nice job!!

smiles,

deb

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 15-Jan-2012
    Thank you so much, Deb, and apologies for taking so long to get back to you, I've been reviewing and editing my little socks off trying to post two chapters a day! Alexis x
reply by debskatz on 15-Jan-2012
    totally understand! been doing that myself. :-)
Comment from Malerie
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I am intrigued; this second chapter certainly makes me want to read further. My heart aches for Lisa as a teenager with big, dangerous secrets. It's amazing that those that are to love and protect her are the ones that are hurting her. I am rooting for Lisa to come out of this but I know there will be scares. I'll keep reading; you keep writing.

 Comment Written 14-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
    Thank you so much! Basically chapters one and two are setting the scene for the rest of the book by way of explanation when Lisa makes surprising decisions. Without understanding chapter one and two, you would find the rest of the book a little confusing! This you have done so well, thank you! Alexis x
Comment from LisaSilva
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What an attractive picture! "How much worse could it get?" That's the problem, isn't it? There's just no bottom to trouble sometimes.

"how ironic it was that only strangers ever tried to help her."

I can empathize with such a sad feeling.

"You know what sixteen year olds are like officer..." she purred. " They always think their parents don't really understand them...it was just a silly row, wasn't it Lisa?"

Just what a narcissistic and abusive mother would say!

" It was as though the whole world was against her, and their comments only proved, yet again, how isolated and helpless she actually was. There was no one who could help her, not family, not friends, not even well meaning strangers..." Such a true scenario. Very fascinating, sad and plausible story line. Leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next. Love and hugs...

 Comment Written 13-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
    Thank you so much for your wonderful review and understanding comments. Chapter three and four are set a year later in The Isle of Man, a small island between Scotland and Ireland, and presents a brand new scenario for Lisa. Only by understanding chapters one and two, does any of Lisa's decisions make sense after that. Thank you again, Alexis x
Comment from rwilliam
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Two men had jumped from a taxi, one the driver, one the passenger, when they had seen the man on top of Lisa's limp body on the piece of waste land at the edge of the estate.-- To me this is too wordy: Try: Two men had jumped from a taxi when they had seen the man on top of Lisa's limp body.

Seeing them running towards him, the drunk had taken off into the night, safe in the knowledge he probably wouldn't be followed. --Let's try: Seeing them running towards them, the drunk took off into the night._ Leaving off the last part, in my opinion, keeps with the drama of what is going on. Having it waters it down too much. What do you think?

Lisa rolled over onto her side, and felt the air rush back into her lungs as she gasped for air--Try: Lisa rolled over onto her side, her lungs ached as she gasped for air.

After she had stared back at the two men for a moment or two, her eyes wide with fear, they helped her shakily to her feet and asked if she was okay.--Try: She stared back at the two men for a moment or two, her eyes wide with fear(.) They helped her shakily to her feet. "Are you okay?"

Lisa nodded, and said that she was, but staggered slightly to one side, forcing one of the men to take her arm in case she keeled over. --Try: Lisa nodded, but staggered slightly to one side, forcing one of the men to take her arm in case she keeled over.

"Are you from around here, love?" he asked gently. Lisa shook her head.-- You could identify the 'he' here. For example: "Are you from around here, love?" The taxi drive asked gently.

There were a few people standing waiting under the shelter, their shoulders hunched with the cold, their collars up, their hands in their pockets. -- Try: There were a few people waiting under the shelter. Their shoulders hunched with the cold, their collars up, their hands in their pockets.

Lisa was almost surprised at the normality of it all, considering what she had just been through.--For me 'almost surprised' seems contradictory, I'd take out 'almost' it seems more believable without it. Like she see's these people and is surprised at the normality of it all.

When the bus arrived, the guy from the back of the cab shoved a few coins into Lisa's hand-- For me- personal opinion- 'shoved' doesn't fit with the kindness of these two men, the picture you've painted. MY opinion- okay.

Scott jumped to his feet and looked down at his sister with an annoyed expression.--Confused. Didn't her brother answer the door? I still saw him standing there talking. When did he sit down to jump up again? It's unclear.

Great chapter. With a little tweaking it will be fabulous! :-)














 Comment Written 13-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
    Think I've managed to change all! As usual your really insightful review has helped tremendously. I laughed so much at the 'jumping out of the chair, that neither Lisa or Scott had never sat down in the first place, bit! It's a bit like those bouncing chuckling bloody babies that are always in places they shouldn't be!(still chuckling!) Hope you like the next chapter set in the Isle of Man a year later.
reply by rwilliam on 14-Jan-2012
    it's ok that is why we are on here. yeah that baby still makes me chuckle. You may help in this way someday so stay tuned. LOL
Comment from axelbeariter
Excellent
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She had reached the point where she didn't trust anybody anymore because of everything that had happened that night./Since this scene is still in the present night, that night ought to read this night, while that had happened is proper, because it's in the recent past.----He interrupted her/Since her dialogue was interrupted by someone else's dialogue, you would use an em dash instead of ellipsis to indicate that. If you're not sure of what I mean, look up em dash online.----An ellipsis is used in dialogue to show it trailing off, like you have written here: "No, but..." she stuttered.----" It doesn't matter..." she sobbed./Close the space before It.----"Well show me then" he suggested. I'm not/Redo this part as: "Well show me then," he suggested. "I'm not----It was as though the whole world was against her, and their comments only proved, yet again, how isolated and helpless she actually was. There was no one who could help her, not family, not friends, not even well meaning strangers.../You have set this plot up expertly by having Lisa feel everything and everyone was against her. Even though I've recovered from myself by now, your premise in that last paragraph fit me perfectly. You couldn't write it any better. Now I really could kick myself for handing out my stack of six stars to pieces and poems less deserving than yours.




 Comment Written 13-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
    What a wonderful compliment! I'm not just saying it when I say that your reviewing techniques are excellent, in as much as you point out the obvious to improve your work, without being smart or causing offence. Thank you so much for that, I really appreciate it. Alexis x
reply by axelbeariter on 14-Jan-2012
    I'll make an extra suggestion, again without being offensive, that you will get more reviews for your work if you post your chapters offering reviewers more member dollars. It doesn't matter to me, because you are such a good writer, and I enjoy the way you build a plot, plus also learn other techniques from you that I would review you for free. However, many writers' work therefore their time is limited and they only review pieces that offer the most member dollars for their comments. Also, some won't review work that they think is underfunded for the time they need to take to do ther job, therefore when I post a piece, I aim to offer at least over a dollar, so I attract a varied crowd of reviewers. If it's possible for you, try to do the same, so you get a good cross section of opinions to critique your offering.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2012
    I couldn't agree more so now make sure that I at least have a base certificate for each chapter. The only problem is putting it in place before the two complimentary reviews have been done (sometimes at the speed of light!) I'm just so happy that quite a few people are following now, for the story alone. My thanks again for all your help and advice. Take care, Alexis.
Comment from MumEsGirl
Excellent
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This is heartbreaking stuff. Lisa is in one of the worst situations possible, and I get the nasty feeling that this is only the start of her troubles.

Looking forward to my next serving of the story
kate

 Comment Written 13-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 13-Jan-2012
    Don't worry, another twist is about to make it all a lot more interesting!
reply by MumEsGirl on 13-Jan-2012
    Can hardly wait
    kate
Comment from James McCorkle
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The story grows and gets better with each paragraph.The brother is no help to her, and as a result Lisa has to return home. Then she is treated as a spoiled brat who is just seeking attention. Even the police aren't aware of what is happening, so poor Lisa is back in the mothers den where she no doubt about to receive more ohysical abuse. Where is this story going now? What will happen to Lisa? Will her brother finally wake up and notice what is going on? I can't wait to read more. James McCorkle. Frae Glesca.

 Comment Written 13-Jan-2012


reply by the author on 13-Jan-2012
    In the face of adversity, the strong will become stronger. As a fellow Scot, I assume you appreciate. Thank you so much for your lovely review
reply by James McCorkle on 14-Jan-2012
    AS old Harry Lauder used to sing, " Keep right on to the end of the Road." You will get there with a wee bit more patience alex. James