The day she took over her life.
It's about a girl, who learns to take control4 total reviews
Comment from A. Marlow
Hi Alisa, welcome to the site. I want to start by saying I love the subject of the poem and the descriptions you used such as "screeching of anger", "out of her shell and her shadows and chains shattered", and "she buried herself in the darkness of her past." I know others have mentioned the 5-7-5 format issue so that I will leave alone. However, I believe this poem will be much better after you edit and format it. As it is now it is a little hard to read as it is a solid paragraph and kind of runs all together. What I like about poetry is the separation of the lines helps to make the thoughts and descriptions flow in a different way than a story would. :) I am by no means an expert and my stuff always help from others when grammar and such is involved, so I sincerely hope that you will work on this poem some more and share with us the finished product.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2011
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Hi Alisa, welcome to the site. I want to start by saying I love the subject of the poem and the descriptions you used such as "screeching of anger", "out of her shell and her shadows and chains shattered", and "she buried herself in the darkness of her past." I know others have mentioned the 5-7-5 format issue so that I will leave alone. However, I believe this poem will be much better after you edit and format it. As it is now it is a little hard to read as it is a solid paragraph and kind of runs all together. What I like about poetry is the separation of the lines helps to make the thoughts and descriptions flow in a different way than a story would. :) I am by no means an expert and my stuff always help from others when grammar and such is involved, so I sincerely hope that you will work on this poem some more and share with us the finished product.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2011
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why thank you :)
Comment from Suchita
So this is pretty good, but isn't this supposed to be for the 5-7-5 poetry contest?
Ignoring that though, there are some elements which I thought still needed to be edited. For example, somewhere in between you switched from writing in present to past. Also, in general, some of the lines didnt really make sense, ex. "knowing she would never have to run or be the terrified one would never bother her"- its a little difficult to understand what you were saying.
"days had passed, curiousness floundered her"- shouldnt it be curiosity?
I hope im not coming off as mean or anything: the overall idea of it seems really great, it just needs to be edited, and perhaps not put in as a 5-7-5
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2011
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So this is pretty good, but isn't this supposed to be for the 5-7-5 poetry contest?
Ignoring that though, there are some elements which I thought still needed to be edited. For example, somewhere in between you switched from writing in present to past. Also, in general, some of the lines didnt really make sense, ex. "knowing she would never have to run or be the terrified one would never bother her"- its a little difficult to understand what you were saying.
"days had passed, curiousness floundered her"- shouldnt it be curiosity?
I hope im not coming off as mean or anything: the overall idea of it seems really great, it just needs to be edited, and perhaps not put in as a 5-7-5
Comment Written 30-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2011
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i understand. i didnt know how to post a poem without using the 5-7-5. and yea, its kinda a draft. i wrote it during class in school one day. and i needed some peoples advice.
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Like I said, it really just has to be edited. Try reading it out loud to yourself, you'll probably hear most of the stuff anyway.
As for the 5-7-5 thing, You just click on WRITE, whicb on the top o the screen, and then click on POEM. which automatically categorizes it as a poem. Hope that helps
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k..........well im kinda new....so please understand..
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I know, i just joined a little while ago too, it took me a while to figure out how to do anything on this site. I found it pretty confusing because there were so many things to click :)
Comment from WilliamDeen
Your poem, The day she took over her life, ends with a wonderful positive attitude! I think this would be considered free verse poetry.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2011
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Your poem, The day she took over her life, ends with a wonderful positive attitude! I think this would be considered free verse poetry.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2011
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thank you so very much!
Comment from mrsmajor
You have not read the rules for the contest..It requires
Line 1... 5 syllables
Line 2... 7 syllables
Line 3... 5 syllables and it must be only three lines...
I can only give you 3 stars..
Please read the rules before you enter contest,
Regards,
Victoria
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2011
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You have not read the rules for the contest..It requires
Line 1... 5 syllables
Line 2... 7 syllables
Line 3... 5 syllables and it must be only three lines...
I can only give you 3 stars..
Please read the rules before you enter contest,
Regards,
Victoria
Comment Written 30-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2011
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oh, im so very sorry.
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I didn't like rating so low, but now you can make changes, and possibly be able to enter the contest..I did the same kind of things, when I was new, we all have!
HUGS!
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yes ma'am i totally understand. i am really new to this, an its kind of a draft. i didnt know how to post without using the 5-7-5.
