Simple Expectations
Nature in its finest degree.16 total reviews
Comment from stanzasandstuff
The second line seems to have only 6 syllables
But-er-flies-flap-a-round
I also have a problem with the flow and intended meaning in the 2nd stanza
Worries of the day
evaporate when they play?
Am happy to review again
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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The second line seems to have only 6 syllables
But-er-flies-flap-a-round
I also have a problem with the flow and intended meaning in the 2nd stanza
Worries of the day
evaporate when they play?
Am happy to review again
Comment Written 16-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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thank you for the words of wisdom, now that i have seen again the second line was only 6 syllables. You were correct. And as for the rest, i am comfortable enough with it. Will remember in future works
Comment from James McCorkle
I liked the picture which you drew, but an added touch of colour in the words would have made it perfect. Maybe just one or two extra lines ? James McCorkle
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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I liked the picture which you drew, but an added touch of colour in the words would have made it perfect. Maybe just one or two extra lines ? James McCorkle
Comment Written 16-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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Thank you for the advice, and i have added a touch of color, so feel free to check it out once more.
Comment from Kingsland
I like everything about this poem. It has very richly woven poetic expressions in its poetic guise. This was just a delight to have read and written this response for... John
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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I like everything about this poem. It has very richly woven poetic expressions in its poetic guise. This was just a delight to have read and written this response for... John
Comment Written 16-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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Thank you for your kind words i do greatly apprecieate them.
Comment from manjuneelam
Wonderful piece of work which gives you such calming and soothing feeling. It is well developed poem and the flow of it is smooth.
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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Wonderful piece of work which gives you such calming and soothing feeling. It is well developed poem and the flow of it is smooth.
Comment Written 16-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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Thanks for the kind review. I guess this is why were all here. It means a lot to hear what others think thanks again.
Comment from fairydancer
Hi there,
and welcome to Fanstory. You will find you get lots of advice on this site - some of it conflicting! (LOL - laugh out loud.) I tend to think of it like other aspects of my life - I take what I like (or need to hear) and leave the rest.
I like that you have put a lot of imagery into your words but I got a bit stuck at the word "flap". I also feel this reads more like prose than poetry, which is fine but you could condense this by removing some of the linking (prose) words [on, the, by] and non-descriptive words, and then expanding again with more descriptive words, to create even more imagery. For example:
verdant forest yields
butterflies in rainbow hues
babbling brook reflects
Do you think it says the same as the original? Does it say more? Or do you prefer the flow of the original?
Have a look at this ode to Autumn haiku: "haiku (gilded boughs arouse")
gilded boughs arouse
sweet twirling zephyr's fanfare
autumn's brassy play
Every word tries to add something to the imagery and feel.
This is a good 5-7-5 with good flow and imagery.
I genuinely hope this helps. I have learned so much on this site - you want to see some of my early stuff - ugghhh!
Have a good week and I look forward to reading more of your writes soon - Cally :)
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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Hi there,
and welcome to Fanstory. You will find you get lots of advice on this site - some of it conflicting! (LOL - laugh out loud.) I tend to think of it like other aspects of my life - I take what I like (or need to hear) and leave the rest.
I like that you have put a lot of imagery into your words but I got a bit stuck at the word "flap". I also feel this reads more like prose than poetry, which is fine but you could condense this by removing some of the linking (prose) words [on, the, by] and non-descriptive words, and then expanding again with more descriptive words, to create even more imagery. For example:
verdant forest yields
butterflies in rainbow hues
babbling brook reflects
Do you think it says the same as the original? Does it say more? Or do you prefer the flow of the original?
Have a look at this ode to Autumn haiku: "haiku (gilded boughs arouse")
gilded boughs arouse
sweet twirling zephyr's fanfare
autumn's brassy play
Every word tries to add something to the imagery and feel.
This is a good 5-7-5 with good flow and imagery.
I genuinely hope this helps. I have learned so much on this site - you want to see some of my early stuff - ugghhh!
Have a good week and I look forward to reading more of your writes soon - Cally :)
Comment Written 13-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 16-Dec-2011
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You are correct, it does need improving, i was in the midst of editing and my computer got a virus. lol (laugh out loud ) lol stay tuned i do plan on editing and would love to hear what you think.
Comment from randomzed
Well said, but are you saying anything?
I read it and tell myself Amazedbyme has a nice way with words, but ................
Tell me more, please!
I'll listen.
One can have other verses in the 5-7-5 format.
To the best of my knowledge, as long as each verse is 5-7-5, you can have 2,3 or 4 verses.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
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Well said, but are you saying anything?
I read it and tell myself Amazedbyme has a nice way with words, but ................
Tell me more, please!
I'll listen.
One can have other verses in the 5-7-5 format.
To the best of my knowledge, as long as each verse is 5-7-5, you can have 2,3 or 4 verses.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
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Thats my sentiments exactly. I am new to this site and actual forms of different poetry. So from this statement your saying a 5-7-5 can have other versus i wasnt sure. I do agree there should be more. My question for you is if I edit it, would i have to repost a new certificate. Cause I havent yet upgraded so I dont know if im able to put another certificate until then but I am going to edit my poem. So if you not keep an eye out for the revised edition. Thanks for the advice.
Comment from Eleanor Buron
Butterflies like mist and sometimes mist rises from a river. I like the sound of butterflies and riverside. I think riverside is written as one word not two. I like this brief poem. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
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Butterflies like mist and sometimes mist rises from a river. I like the sound of butterflies and riverside. I think riverside is written as one word not two. I like this brief poem. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
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Thank you, for your kind words. I wasn't aware that a 5-7-5 could have more than one verse. Or honestly it wouldn't of been so brief.
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We find these things out after our effort. You could alwayd write a second poem (while keeping this one)expanding on this one.
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Well see my dilema here is i am not an upgraded user. So im not sure what i can and cannot do. Im looking for other contests to enter as well, but due to me not having upgraded im not sure if i can. Ex. a contest says open to all and i try to reserve a spot but it says i cant do it. And about this poem i can only enter one for the contest, correct. I know it can be better, i just want to join more contests but im afraid i dont have the funds to upgrade is there a way around this. thank you for your time.
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One way to get the member dollars to promote your poetry is to do a lot of reviews. There are some guidelines as to the number of stars you give a poem. You may just want to review poetry. Say what you like about a poem, how it makes you feel. You can read it aloud to yourself and see if it flows nicely. You can read other peoples reviews and get some hints. I know it takes time but then when you have say twenty member dollars you can list your work. You use Member Cent Pumps to raise your poem even higher in the listing so it will receive more reviews. Read the rules for each contest closely. Sometimes there's only 15 or 20 slots open for a contest. You may have to jump on them early to reserve a spot. I bought a 1 year membership and will renew if I find this to be a good site. So far it works. Some people put their own 'real' money behind promoting their poetry or stories. I can't afford to do that. But you can actually purchase Member dollars. I earn them by doing reviews. Hope this is somewhat helpful. lly
Comment from WilliamDeen
Your poem, Simple Expectations, is lovely. It has a good form of 5-7-5 syllables. I love butterflies. They are so pretty flittering around.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
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Your poem, Simple Expectations, is lovely. It has a good form of 5-7-5 syllables. I love butterflies. They are so pretty flittering around.
Comment Written 11-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
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Thank you for your kind review, it means a lot knowing an accomplished writer, likes what I have to offer. I am considering an edit to make it a little more sincere.
Comment from J. P. Egry
Very nice relaxing 5-7-5 that paints a lovely picture for the reader (even without the artwork). It makes one want to be there watching the butterflies and listening to the water. I love "butterflies flap around". Those sights and sounds are so nicely inferred here. To commune with nature is divine. Alliteration adds to the easy feel of the poem.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2011
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Very nice relaxing 5-7-5 that paints a lovely picture for the reader (even without the artwork). It makes one want to be there watching the butterflies and listening to the water. I love "butterflies flap around". Those sights and sounds are so nicely inferred here. To commune with nature is divine. Alliteration adds to the easy feel of the poem.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2011
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Thank you for the inspiring words of wisdom, I want to enter another contest. Must i register or will they have free contests often? Just curious.
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They post free contests quite often, sponsored by FanStory. Also, members post contests that cost an entry fee of member dollars--usually five dollars. Click on "contests" at the top of your page and then click "full listing." If you are not registered as a FanStory member and you wish to do more, you can join for a yearly fee--I think is is $40 and participate fully in posting your work and reviewing others. You get points for member dollars every time you review a piece by someone else. You can also buy member dollars for real dollars. member dollars can be used to move your work up to where more readers review it. Let me know what you decide.
Comment from cercie
this is a very nice verse for the poetry contest . I wish you ggood luch thank you for sharing so we might enjoy well done
cercie
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reply by the author on 10-Dec-2011
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this is a very nice verse for the poetry contest . I wish you ggood luch thank you for sharing so we might enjoy well done
cercie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2011
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I would hope so. I am still feeling this site out but I think I like it so far. Thanks for the review.
