River Rocks
Just thoughts-Would appreciate any help with this19 total reviews
Comment from Eleanor Buron
I like the poem; it's more a prose poem. I like the way it meanders and then closes nicely. I think the poem could be tightened a little. First stanza: "We walk along a little stream, picking up small river rocks worn smooth by the constant flow and friction of the water. They remind me of us." - Whenever possible use the present tense. I might remove "little" too. This is just a suggestion. Revision is always good. They say a poem is never finished, just abandoned. ;) Even though you are not real happy with it now, I think you will make a few changes and it will be terrific, so I gave it five stars. Elly
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
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I like the poem; it's more a prose poem. I like the way it meanders and then closes nicely. I think the poem could be tightened a little. First stanza: "We walk along a little stream, picking up small river rocks worn smooth by the constant flow and friction of the water. They remind me of us." - Whenever possible use the present tense. I might remove "little" too. This is just a suggestion. Revision is always good. They say a poem is never finished, just abandoned. ;) Even though you are not real happy with it now, I think you will make a few changes and it will be terrific, so I gave it five stars. Elly
Comment Written 10-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2011
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Thanks Elly for your suggestions. I will go back and take a look and see what I can do. I appreciate your advice.
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You're welcome. Elly ;)
Comment from Piggies Grandma
This is a very lovely poem justjo and I enjoyed reading it very much. It is cleverly written and very well thought out. It's wonderful when two people are still happy together.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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This is a very lovely poem justjo and I enjoyed reading it very much. It is cleverly written and very well thought out. It's wonderful when two people are still happy together.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Thank you for your kind review of my poem. I am glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from stephybs
Your poetry here is amazing! A beautiful magical walk I have just shared with you and your precious thoughts! That really tell a tale of two stories and I just love it! Sometimes I see the real and true beauty of a writer today I have witnessed you! How very, very charming! Stephanie
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Your poetry here is amazing! A beautiful magical walk I have just shared with you and your precious thoughts! That really tell a tale of two stories and I just love it! Sometimes I see the real and true beauty of a writer today I have witnessed you! How very, very charming! Stephanie
Comment Written 09-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Thank you Stephanie for your sweet comments about my poem. I am so glad you "saw" my heart and me. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Chris Tee
This poem is well written but I think you must meter it to make it flow smoothly.
To make a poem flow you measure the meter
Meter???
Now if you do not mind let me teach you meter, Ok.
Meter your work by getting the same syllable count in each line you write Ok
Example:
I love you so much = 5 syllables
Another hand to touch =6 syllables
Line 2 correction:
Another hand touch = 5 syllables
Usually tetrameter = 8 syllables per line and pentameter =10 syllables per line
When you write count the syllables and put it at the end of your line. then you manipulate your syllables after the first line and adjust accordingly. Keep the syllables per line in a verse equal. If you do not understand tell me with another reply Ok
Try to improve your writing from here by getting a nice flow.
I need to learn to just calm down = 8 syllables
The words are no good if no one's around =10 syllables
Correction top line:
I need really to learn to just calm down =10 syllables
The words are no good if no one's around =10 syllables
Now it is flowing.... It is like a clock tik tok tik tok
Try and see if it works for you.
Well done.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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This poem is well written but I think you must meter it to make it flow smoothly.
To make a poem flow you measure the meter
Meter???
Now if you do not mind let me teach you meter, Ok.
Meter your work by getting the same syllable count in each line you write Ok
Example:
I love you so much = 5 syllables
Another hand to touch =6 syllables
Line 2 correction:
Another hand touch = 5 syllables
Usually tetrameter = 8 syllables per line and pentameter =10 syllables per line
When you write count the syllables and put it at the end of your line. then you manipulate your syllables after the first line and adjust accordingly. Keep the syllables per line in a verse equal. If you do not understand tell me with another reply Ok
Try to improve your writing from here by getting a nice flow.
I need to learn to just calm down = 8 syllables
The words are no good if no one's around =10 syllables
Correction top line:
I need really to learn to just calm down =10 syllables
The words are no good if no one's around =10 syllables
Now it is flowing.... It is like a clock tik tok tik tok
Try and see if it works for you.
Well done.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Thank you Chris for explaining meter to me. Up to this point I have not understood it but with your clear instruction now I do. :o) I will copy and paste your instructions and will begin using them. I appreciate your help. Thank you.
Comment from donnadiann
I really like this free verse and really got lost in the sentiment in it. I loved the descriptions and the strong imagery of this romance you've worded well. Maybe don't capitalize all the beginning letters at start of each sentence unless needed. In the lined b...Me, all long red hair and big blue eyes...try-- Me, with long red hair and big blie eyes. Also good metahor/river rocks.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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I really like this free verse and really got lost in the sentiment in it. I loved the descriptions and the strong imagery of this romance you've worded well. Maybe don't capitalize all the beginning letters at start of each sentence unless needed. In the lined b...Me, all long red hair and big blue eyes...try-- Me, with long red hair and big blie eyes. Also good metahor/river rocks.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Thank you for reading and commenting on my poem. I am glad you liked it. Yes, you are right your suggestions sound much better for the line about my hair. I will change it. Thanks. I'll also take your advice about the capitals. I appreciate your help. I struggled writing this poem. I wanted to get it right. Thanks.
Comment from fairy77
That was fantastic.Such a true story of feeling loved over time.I loved it.Well described.You should try stories.This is fantastic the flannel shirt was my fave.Excellent piece.beth fairy77.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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That was fantastic.Such a true story of feeling loved over time.I loved it.Well described.You should try stories.This is fantastic the flannel shirt was my fave.Excellent piece.beth fairy77.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Thank you so much for your kind review and the six stars. I am glad you loved the story/poem. It meant a lot to me and I wanted it to be right. I do write an occasional non-fiction short story. Thanks for your support.
Comment from Dave Russell
Now that is poetry my friend. What a testament of a life spent loving that one person. Such a poignant description of the journey you have made together. So here's six stars for a wonderful story/poem and for true love. :)
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Now that is poetry my friend. What a testament of a life spent loving that one person. Such a poignant description of the journey you have made together. So here's six stars for a wonderful story/poem and for true love. :)
Comment Written 08-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Wow! thank you Dave for your great review of my story/poem. It really meant a lot to me and I wanted it to be right. I really appreciate your kindness.
Comment from adewpearl
nice alliteration in small smooth river rocks and in flow and friction
sometimes you put a period at the end of a sentence and sometimes you do not. I prefer consistency.
vivid descriptive detail
and additional excellent alliteration
Who would have guessed that time would have changed us so? - add question mark
This is a wonderfully romantic poem about enduring love :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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nice alliteration in small smooth river rocks and in flow and friction
sometimes you put a period at the end of a sentence and sometimes you do not. I prefer consistency.
vivid descriptive detail
and additional excellent alliteration
Who would have guessed that time would have changed us so? - add question mark
This is a wonderfully romantic poem about enduring love :-) Brooke
Comment Written 08-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Thank you Brooke for your help. I will go back and work on making the sentences more consistent. As always, punctuation is my downfall. :o( But, I'm working on it. :o) I appreciate your kind comments. I am glad you liked the content of my poem.
Comment from rawahymis
Sometimes rough, uncut, and natural is best, justjo66.
Your poem starts off with the river rocks and the effect of time and wear on them.
The poem smoothly moves on to the relationship, allowing the reader a quick glimpse into the younger days, and finally settles, just like the smoothened rocks, on the couple that have travelled the roads of life together for quite a while, now pausing for respite at the cross roads.
I'm just so tired after a long trip to offer any suggestions right now, but this raw and uncut version is quite effective: you may want to read it at intervals, perhaps chopping a word here or there, or perhaps replacing one for another.
Well done and best wishes for the rest of the journey.
rawahy
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Sometimes rough, uncut, and natural is best, justjo66.
Your poem starts off with the river rocks and the effect of time and wear on them.
The poem smoothly moves on to the relationship, allowing the reader a quick glimpse into the younger days, and finally settles, just like the smoothened rocks, on the couple that have travelled the roads of life together for quite a while, now pausing for respite at the cross roads.
I'm just so tired after a long trip to offer any suggestions right now, but this raw and uncut version is quite effective: you may want to read it at intervals, perhaps chopping a word here or there, or perhaps replacing one for another.
Well done and best wishes for the rest of the journey.
rawahy
Comment Written 08-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Thank you for your kind review of my poem. I will take your suggestions and keep working on my poem. It means a lot to me and I want it to be perfect.
Comment from cvcopac
I believe your poem is worthy of 5 stars. Beautiful sentiment expressed well. You integrated your thoughts by stanzas and that's good as it is a lengthy poem. You employ punctuation as you will but you should either complete the punctuation or get rid of it and distribute the poem in an other method. You know, like say, e.e. cummings might do; or something.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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I believe your poem is worthy of 5 stars. Beautiful sentiment expressed well. You integrated your thoughts by stanzas and that's good as it is a lengthy poem. You employ punctuation as you will but you should either complete the punctuation or get rid of it and distribute the poem in an other method. You know, like say, e.e. cummings might do; or something.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2011
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2011
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Thank you for your kind review of my poem. Yes, you are right. Punctuation has always been my downfall in my writing. I will take your advice and work on it. Thanks
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My pleasure.
